On to you - unfortunately I am glad to read she is the one that "abandoned" you. Where are the kids??? Who is OM?? Have you done a background check on him??? Is WW exposing kids to OM??? Are your finance's separated?? What state are you in???
We share custody of the kids and I have tried to keep life as close to normal as possible. But, of course, life is as uncertain for them as it is for me, and this is affecting them.
No background check. So far, she has not exposed them to him, and I suspect, will not for some time. She does not seem to want her family, or anyone else, to know. She still denies it is an A, despite evidence to the contrary (not sure exactly when it restarted as we were supposed to be in R). Finances are separated completely, though we both pay toward joint bills. I have not sought legal separation as I think it is not necessary at this point, but will not hesitate if she stops keeping up her end of the finacial bargain. But, anything you think I should be doing in this area I would be interested in hearing.
It appears she is on a test drive with OM. As long as everything goes smoothly she will likely remain on the fence forever. Yes, eventually things need to come to a head but we need more information to asses your situation.
I agree completely, that is why I am still trying to Plan A and work on me, because if/when I go to Plan B, I want to feel that I did everything I possibly could have. But, I worry about diminishing returns as each day passes that they have together. But, as she is not exposing OM to the kids, they infidels only get about half the month together. Not sure if that extends the fantasy, or will cause LBs. I imagine, at some point, OM will not like being "in the background" and may want to legitamize the A. I am hoping that this will cause LBs because she is totally on the fence and will not look kindly to being pushed too hard in any direction. I know my WW fairly well, and I just do not see her legitamizing the A as she knows I have proof that this is not "the new man", but a man she has been cheating with for some time. Her parents are religious and my WW is a "good girl", just can't see her going that route, so I have been praying for LBs. I imagine, at first, her excuse will be that she does not want me to be hurt, but at some point, I do not think he will appreciate her continuing to protect me and the kids.
Have you ordered and/or read Dr. Harley's books???
Can you afford to call the Harley's and do phone counseling??
Have the books and am re-reading HN/HN. Yes, I can afford the counseling at this time.
Where are you in this process??? How fed up are you??? Do you still absolutely love your wife or is your love fading???
There was a point, when I discovered things were back on, when I fell apart and did not want to keep doing this, but I started on Anti-Ds and started praying a lot and have found a lot of peace. Strangely enough, I have been able to compartmentalize my feelings about what she is doing, and treat her very well. I feel it is probably making my Plan A very effective and I do not feel my energy level waning at all. I would like to maximize my chances for Plan A when I am with her though. Tips??
And, I am not losing my love at this time. I feel like this is a long, uphill battle that I have signed on for, and I am totally up to the task. One intersesting thing was that when she was living here, I still had some walls up (fear of being hurt again), as did she. Since she has left, I have seen many hopeful signs about our sitch than I saw when she was here. She has seemed to be Plan A'ing me and pursuing me to some extent. And, I cannot pass all of it off to guilt, or for the kids, as too much has happened.
But, I worry that the more time they have together, the more she will feel safe letting go of me. She does not seem ready for that at this time. She has consistently said she does not want a D.
Are your familiar with LB's? Have you been avoiding them??
This is where I need the work. I have not done terribly in this area and have made some really big changes, but a few times recently, I let things fly and lost control. That was about a month or so ago. So, there are those. They were isolated incidents, but I know my WW took note because she commented on them. There have been definite changes, but not significant enough that she is satisfied with them. So, that is where the majority of my energy has been going. I know this would need to change for her to want to be with me and I want to change them regardless of what happens to my M. The changes are for me.
Are there any issues you are keeping from us??? I sense by the brevity of your posts that you are unsure about exposing yourself for some reason. We are here to help your marriage regardless of who you are or what you've done. Trust us.
I do trust you. The main reason I am being brief is that I know she knows I come here to post and I fear revealing too much that would let her know who I am (I have had to change my name on many occasions, so noone can follow my story, that is why I made the request about the BBQ board. I need somewhere safe that I can share everything.) I struggle with this all the time. I want the help so much, but I cannot get it in the same way as others can.
There is more to the story, but I will not hesitate to share it with. I want to save my M, but I fear if she knew which poster I was, she would have insight into how I am feeling and my straegy, and I do not want to reveal that to her. As MM has said, this is a battle for my M-- well, you do not lay out your battle plan to the "enemy". I do not want to do anything that may destroy my chances of saving my M.
