OK - told him on Wednesday I needed to go NC for awhile - no a plan B I guess. Just a time to clear my head and live with a little peace. Thursday morning he calls me at work, tells me he sent me an email - I am stunned - I thought that I had asked for NC. I asked him if the email was going to hurt me, he said I don't know. So I pulled it up and read it. FOr the details - see my thread.

After a tense day, I sent him another email asking him to please not contact me until next week when we go to the marraige counselor. I never heard a word back.

Friday morning I run into him at Dunkin Donuts. It was awkward - I sat in my car for a minute, he came out and apologized for interrupting my day - he looked strange. And away he went. I was fine - talked to me Dr., went grocery shopping, and spoke with my MIL because my WH looked so unlike himself. I asked her if he was ok - asked her to keep him grounded. I have been feeling that he isn't emotionally stable for a few weeks now - and while I can't get involved - she can.

Friday afternoon I text messaged him to ask when he would pick up the boys for the New Years overnight he had agreed to. I am taking DD out to dinner and a late movie and thought it would be a good time for the boys (8 & 10) to be with their dad. They have been looking forward to it - and after last weekend when they refused to go with him, I have been talking it up with them - trying to get then excited.
I did not get a response back. I waited a couple of hours and called and left a voice mail this time on his cell.

Then I thought - OK - he's ignoring me - giving me the NC I wanted. SO I called MIL asked if she would call him for me. She told me she was actually on my way over to drop something off and we could talk then.

When she got here, she proceeded to tell me that WH needed to get awy for the weekend. He was emotionally and physically exhausted after my emotions on Thursday and the decision I made to travel to Michigan last minute to visit my family with the kids. I didn't go to MI, MIL convinced me I was too emotional and physically exhausted to drive all that way with the kids, through roads I had never driven alone. She accused me of running away form the problem and said it won't solve anything. I had a clear plan and I had promised her and my WH that I would be back on Tuesday (I HAVE to work on Wed, the kids start school again, and I have a IC appt. that night). But I decided not to make the trip - she was right I was exhausted.

So after all that emotional stress on WH, she said he needed a break. He was not going to be available for the entire weekend. She didn't know where he went - just that when he called her he was in New York somewhere. SHe said he couldn't stand to be cooped up looking at those four walls of his tiny apartment for the holiday weekend, he was exhasuted and needed a break. Doesn't know when he's coming home, and only knows to reach him by cell - but that he won't answer our home phone, my cell or DD's cell.

EXCUSE ME - he wanted to leave me and our home because he wanted to be by himself in a quiet place. He told me he loved his little apartment and was quite comfortable there. And now he doesn't wan to be cooped up? I was so hurt - at least I told him I was going to MI, when I'd get back, where I would be. I promised -

He did nothing - he let the boys down, my DD down. And I am tired. I need a break too - except for one evening and Chrsitmas Eve and Cristmas night - I ahve had the kids to myself + the dog (his). All the responsibility, the laundry, the housework, working full time, and him lecturing me about taking some time off.

And the bank statement came yesterday. His trip to B'ham that he said was put on the company credit card and he's pay for out of a savings account that contains money he got as an inheritence when his grandfather died - NOT - he put about half of it on the debit card. He's spent over $1200. in the last 4 weeks plus the $500 from the trip. NO wonder a few of our checks bounced this month. And he still owes $1200. for the apartment! I am livid - he assured me that our finances were fine.

OK - you were all right - never trust an alien in husband's clothing. I will go to the attorney this week and file a temporary support order - at least then I'll know I can afford food to feed the kids.

But it dawned on me - he has blaming me for all of this, his leaving, his affair, etc. And I am really not to blame!!
I mean I certainly had a hand in creating the environment, BUT it's not me he's running away from - it's himself!

No Jan.

He is having an affair.

People do what they want to do.

Please accept this. HE is not suffering. He is living la vida loca. He is a wayward. He is partying most likely in the Big Apple.

I hate to say this...but this is most likely the truth.

His mom, your MIL is making up excuses for her son's poor behavior. Now don't do the same thing and match his poor behavior.

And decide if you are gonna do this properly with a stellar plan A followed by a stellar plan B or a botched up version of both.

I think you need to work on you and do a good plan A. Your plan B imho is improperly timed.

OK JP -

I have spent a lot of time in denial, accepting the blame, worrying about him, doing all the love busters I shouldn't have. I am angry, hurt and concerned about my children.

How do I do a PLAN A when he can't even stand to be in the same room with me, we are not living together. I have asked him to not contact me for awhile because I needed to get my head on straight, and every time we speak or see each other I cry and it deteriorates from there.

How do you PLAN A in that?

I have been working an myself - and it does feel good. I look good, feel better than I have for along time. My house is slowly getting organized. A little exercise and some rest and I'd say I feel 100% better(although - be honest Jan, you've been feeling about 5% all month!). I am living for my kids right now.

Jan:

You forgot about remaining on the same thread.

Can you move this to your other thread?

I agree with Peachy. He is having an AFFAIR..PERIOD...

Jan,

I know that the only info that we have is what is coming from you. But from what you've said, it certainly doesn't sound like your H is hurting. It does sound like he's cold, calculating and trying anything in his power to cause you to have a breakdown. It just sounds like a lot of head games to me. You need to try to examine his actions dispassionately. He really, really sounds like bad news.

This may sound awful, but do you have a large life insurance policy? You said that you've been suicidal in the past. His actions just don't sound like typical WS to me. He sounds like he's doing everything he can to manipulate you into a breakdown.

I think you need to become a cynic about anything he says or does. He knows that you are emotional and he knows how to get you to feel sorry for him when you aren't falling apart from his other antics. He doesn't sound like a very nice guy. I'd watch my back if I were you...

Jan,

Do a search on my most recent thread I gave an ultimatum. My reading your thread is giving me insight into my husband's behavior, and your reading my thread might help give you insight into your husband's behavior. I think that's part of the benefit of the MB forum. Sometimes, when you are looking at the trees in your own forest, you cannot see the trees for what they are, but everyone else can see them for what they are. Just a thought.

As for your talking about your having been suicidal in the past, I'm listening to the book Emotional Intelligence and it talks about how certain behaviors can be executed without any reasoning at all. They're just done. People don't decide to commit suicide. They just do.

You don't need to justify moving to Plan B. Plan A is for people who can handle the incredibly selfish behavior or a mate in the fog of an affair. You already know you cannot. Your children need you. My mother's only sibling committed suicide several months after her husband left her. It was the weekend their youngest child went to college. How very sad for them, for my mother, for us...

Consider that you need to be in Plan B to protect yourself so that you are there for your children. Your husband is very articulate. Honestly, I have never read anything quite as breathtakingly evil as what your husband wrote in that letter you posted. Please get away from him.

Cherished

Cherished -

My WH is extrememly articulate - he spins a very good story and writes beautiful poetry. Too bad the OW has gotten his best stuff. He has written me poetry - usually about the bad things I've done - the incredible "hurt" I have caused him, etc, etc.

There have been times where he has written me beautiful love letters - I saved them all - only now he says they were all a lie - he never meant any of it. Maybe someday I'll be able to part with them - but right now - they are away.

I did some positive things today - cleaned some of the house, celaned out some closets in the basement, did a bunch of laundry, and did something really importatn - I moved the new printer off the computer desk an into the storage unit where it belongs. When WH installed printer a few months ago he just set and all the clutter on the desk. I asked him ot move them a couple of times and I always got a sure - ok. Well today I unhooked all the cables - moved it, and rehooked everything and it worked!!! This is big for me! I am completely iliterate whe it comes to computers.

I also went to the bank - opened my own account. Spoke with my MIL - I think she finally understands a little better. I exposed all the financial mess he has left me in to both of his parents and mine. ANd I confirmed my plans to continue with my New Years Eve plans with DD. My MIL will take the boys for the evening.

Happy New Years All!!

I suggest coaching from MB...one of the Harleys. If you have entertained suicidal thoughts, then I also suggest that you primarily work on YOU right now...your kids need their mom! A good and healthy mom as their dad is a cheater right now.

Focus on plan J...primarily. Then also read up on plan A...learn carrot and stick of it...and also the 180 degree list...

I don't think you can execute a half [censored] A followed by half [censored] B.

You need to do them right...and talk to a counselor here first. You have other issues that I myself, feel more comfortable having you deal with a professional. Also make sure you are being properly treated w/counselor and pysch.

If you want to get H to consider coming back...make YOURSELF and the kids and home a place hw would WANT to come home to...no histrionics. No yelling. Peace, calm and serenity...and A HEALTHY WIFE TOO! Fix you and get help from a doc, psych, and counselor. Begin slowly to fix marriage with the Harleys...and learning all you can about plan A.

Plan A yourself too ...you can do this!

Thanks JP - I needed those words of encouragement tonight. I am amazingly calm given the fact I don't know where he is or who he's with.

I can only work on myself now - and I am feeling a little better everyday. I still fight with myself to not call him. I was actually felling great - even a little flirty, wanted to talk to him - but didn't even try. He wants some space right now - I can give him that. I know if I was to try calling him he would not answer - that's become a pattern for him.

Have not heard anything from WH in over 60 hrs. now - he hasn't even called the kids. This is so frustrating. No responsibility - nothing. I shouldn't be surprised - but still.

Jan - I thought you asked for no contact from your WH?? If you are in Plan B then that is good you have not heard from him! Do something special for yourself and your kids! You deserve it!!

I know - but I wish he had at least called the kids. They miss him. And my youngest is not well - bronchial infection complicated by asthma. SO he wants Daddy right now.

Darn!! I hate doing this. Why is he doing this to us - to me.

The more you chase him, the faster he'll run. Let him go. He shows absolutely no care for you or the kids.
Cherished