it has been awhile since i've posted, but i have read almost every post every weekend.
so thank you ahead of time for listening <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />.
here is what is happening, oc is 4 & 1/2yo now, and as most of you know at this age they repeat everything they hear and/or what is told to them. and i truly believe they know what they are saying, h says they don't.us moms know better. well lately ow has been telling oc that i'm -----(my name)not mommy to oc, i'm mean, and for oc to be mean to me. oc has been a rotten child alot lately, even worse when h is not around. oc has a very foul mouth,like oc's mother,oc is always calling everyone,especially me,you stupid, you stupida--,you stupidas- f--k.for awhile there it was always you mother f--k-r.H tries to correct oc,saying that's not nice,you don't say things like that. but it goes thru one ear and out the other,because that is what oc hears all the time at home with ow. we only have oc everyother weekend and wednesday night for 3hrs.and those 3hrs,oc is like the child from ****,we never have a nice relaxing dinner,oc throws a fit and is very nasty. so every wednesday i say, i don't have to put up with crap,and i'm not going to do this anymore,but my love for h,keeps me going,so i can be with him.well this last wednesday,oc did it again,this time the first thing out of oc's mouth,while getting into the car,was my mommy said you -----, not mommy.like every time it hurt my feelings,but this time,while we wrer eating dinner, h asked me why i was upset.i told him ow is always telling oc things about me and you aren't and won't do anything about it.that's when he said oc doesn't know what oc is saying.then oc saw that i was crying and asked H why, he said you hurt her feelings by what you said when you got in the car,oc said, i said she's -----.that there tells me oc know what is being said.
i would like to know if anyone else has or is going thru anything like this? and what are you or can you do about this when it happens? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />
and to put more salt in the wound,after h drops oc off and get back into the car, he says i'll be watch oc this weekend,which happens to not be his weekend to have oc, but ow has to work.so no new years fun alone with my hubby.he didn't even ask if would mind and he usually does.
so right now i don't know what i should do, stay with him and put up with this sh--,or move out. H doesn't know what he wants to do about us, besides he doesn't want to talk about this weekend cause we have oc,he just wants to relax and have a nice quiet weekend.yeah it'll be quiet,cause i,m not talking to him or oc, or even paying any attention to either one of them,childdish i know but i affaid i'll blow up, and my youngest(from pervious marriage)is home from college and i don't want everything to blow up and have my child get involved, it'll be a big mess and very ugly.MY child is still angry, hurt and mad about all the pain and hurt h has caused me in these last five years.
also over x-mas my oldest,asked or told me to move down to OK and live with them, they'll help find me a job and i'll get to see my grandchlid all the time instead of 3-4 times a year. i'll still be close to my youngest,college is 5hrs away instead of just 3hrs,but it's still close, right? or i can stay here,keep my good job,which i love, and has some what of good pay,and get my own place, which might have to be in the not so nice neiborhood but cheap.
i know,i know, i'm just rambling on, sorry.
SO DOES ANYONE HAVE ANY ADVICE OR SUGGESTIONS AS WHAT TO DO?
THANK YOU AGAIN FOR LISTENING>

So, what do you want to do?

Do you want to leave your H?

I think Stacia here deals w/ a little bit of what you are saying. OW telling OC to say stuff. Maybe she'll come around.

I know it's tough, but you have to remember that OC is repeating what OW is saying. Kids want to love their parents no matter what and she doesn't understand why OW is saying these things about you. She is just trying to act/talk like her mother. Yes she knows what she's saying, but I don't think she understands exactly how hurtful these words are, or what they mean. I think it was good for your H to explain to her that she had hurt your feelings.

I think that H and yourself need to both talk to OC about these words and how much they hurt you. Also reinforce it over and over when OC uses them. It has to be consistent. I know you don't have OC all the time, but she has to know that at your house these words are inappropriate.

I'm sorry I'm not much help.

do you encourage the oc to call you mom or mommy or something like that? I wasn't sure what ---- meant is that a curse word or your name that the oc has been calling you. I think the oc should call you by your first name, she may be a Bi^** , but the oc has a mommy. I think you have to do what makes you happym is your husband willing to really listen to you, or do you feel like the only one putting into the marriage?

There should be fair and consistant rules and consequences in your home that you and DH both enforce. OC's daycare or school would not allow cussing and disrespect, and neither should you. A common consequence for cussing might be 4 minutes time-out in "the uncooperative chair," every time. Does DH not hear the cussing? Record it! Does your DH not trust you or back you up??

I really recommend couple counseling before visitation destroys your marriage. You and DH need to be on the same page (Policy of Joint Agreement and Honesty) now more than ever, communicating at an all time high. OC's visitation is not going well and the stress is a Love Buster for you. What do you guys do to work on your relationship? Has your H worked to rebuild trust or affirm your needs? Have you parented together before? Parenting is hard enough; parenting OC part-time when xow has different values or undermines you is harder.

I'm also confused about the name issue. What did you want to be called? You and OC should be allowed to find a name you BOTH find acceptable (Mrs. X maybe? ), but it probably won't be what OC calls his/her mother.

Good luck!!
J

This child is in peril !!!

No 4 year old ought to be allowed to talk like this ... she will be miserble in school and in life unless ~someone~ comes to her rescue.

GET A TAPE RECORDER .... and start taping those family dinners with OC

Gather EVIDENCE .... and take babymama to court ~~~~ go for full physical custody

GET THIS CHILD INTO A SAFE HOME .... a home where she will not be taught anti-social skills

this is NOT NOT NOT about you or your hurt feelings

this is about a child needing a stable home where she can learn how to behave ~~~~ or she may be hopelessly damaged.

I think if you have OC call you something like stepmom or stepmommy, stepmother that would prob fulfill your need to have her think of you in a parenting or authoritative roll which I believe is what you and your husband are going for am i correct?

I agree I have never heard a 4year old say nasty things like that and the ow should be reported to child protective services. Thats just disgusting and god only know what she sees in front of her much less hears.

hi damned,

i am not sure i understand. i am horrified that the child is speaking to you like that and equally horrified that the xOW is putting her up to it. Some people dont deserve to have children at all, ever. Dont be too hard on the OC though, it is her mothers manipulation that is making her act this way, and even if she does know what she is saying is bad, she is being told that she is making her mother happy by doing it. it would be a hard temptation to resist for a little kid.

That being said, you sure as ****** dont have to put up with it though. i wasnt sure what you meant about being you and not being mommy to the oc. Do you have the OC call you mommy? or is the xOW just pissed that you are step mother to her child?

the whole name thing is a tough one. for some people mommy works, for others (like me) just first name works, it is quite awkward for us BS's. Our roles are very ill defined.

i do think pepperband is right in that this sort of behavior is a form of abuse and you would do well to document it and report it to the authorities.

In terms of your marriage though, it sounds like you have already decided that you have had enough. despite your husbands wish for a quiet weekend i really hope that you lay it on the table for him, excatly how you are feeling and what you think you need from him to lay your issues to rest.

Hugs

Carolyn

And here I am, Wife...

Yes, D---, I also am dealing with this type of attack.

Lil Bit is also 4 1/2. She has started since Christmas telling me that I am not her real mommy, that OW is.
Then, when she came home this past weekend, she promptly told us that we weren't her real parents, Only OW.
She also told us that OW's new live-in bf was going to call us and say that Lil Bit was going to STAY there.

My H has primary custody of Lil Bit. We have had custody for 2 years now and OW just began paying CS this past month, which I really believe is the root of this new attack.

Lil Bit has called me Mommy from the time she could speak. And she has called OW Momma as well. We have ALWAYS been in her life. We have ALWAYS been Mommy and Momma.
This is the life she KNOWS.
Now, OW (along with her 10 yr old son) are trying to undermine this child's stability in what she has ALWAYS known.

Now, Lil Bit does use some colorful language, but its not be as graphic as you have described. She understands that there are some words that she may hear that are NOT acceptable. She had heard me say "crap" and asked if it was a word that "little kids can use." I smiled and said that it was an ok word, but not to use it a lot. She then looked at me and said, OK Mommy.

While, I know that OW and her son are doing this I also know that Lil Bit will ALWAYS think of me as Mommy. No matter what she is told, no matter how much they try to change her mind... She knows deep down.

Anyway, it hurt me the first time that Lil Bit said, "You aren't my real Mommy. Momma is."
In that moment.. I was cut to the core. But, in the next, I knew that it was not her thought, it was one planted in her head.
I looked at my daughter and told her that no matter what, I loved her as much as any "real" mommy would. And it doesn't matter if anyone thinks I am her "real" mommy or not, that I will love her just the same.
Mommies take care of their kids, Do I take care of you?
"Yes."
Mommies hug and kiss their kids when they get hurt or don't feel well, Do I do that with you?
"Yes."
Then I think I am as real as any mommy.
"But you have your OWN son."
( Ah... so the truth is revealed... OW is still bitter about Baby Mac)
And I have YOU too. And I love you just as much, and always will.

I think that is when it satisified her, because she dropped the subject for a while.. until the next visit with OW.

I know its hard to remember that they are just children, especially when the so-called ADULT on the other side is poisioning them.
Its even hard to be the "bigger person," suck it up and ignore their comments.

I have often wondered what SuperNanny would have to say about this type of situation... LOL

I agree with the tape recorder suggestion. I would take the recording to your attorney and see what can be done. It may also entail taking the tape to the Dept of Children's Services, because this is placing the child at risk. It is a form of abuse.

How long have you been in contact with OC?
(I am not completely familiar with your story, as I am not around here as much as I used to be <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />)

Hugs to you, I know its a hard road to travel.
But with support, we call all make it around the pot-holes.

Stacia