For many years my H and I have talked about moving from Australia to Europe. It's always been part of our discussions for the future and it was such great plans.

2005 was a horrible year for me. I was suffering a bully boss and needed a great deal more emotional support than I normally would. H found this too much and started to get more involved in his climbing. He had been planning a 6 week trip with two climbing partners. About mid year the female casual climbing partner became more of a permanent fixture. They would stop for dinner after training and always turn down my offers to cook for them or meet them. They even stopped going climbing with the other guy. Then H would start to tell me about how terrible the OW's BF was - they were clearly talking about relationships together. I was uncomfortable, but every time I mentioned it I was assured that nothing was happening. With the bullying continuing at work, I didn't have the emotional reserve to deal with it so I accepted that.

The the most amazing month occurred. I was offered redundancy at work as they knew I had a good legal case against them. I accepted this. I'd been there 7 years so it's a big deal. But the day before I'd contacted an old friend who said he might have a job going. My last day of work I left early to attend a phone interview. Two days later I had the job - in Europe. I was leaving in 2 weeks. I was concerned for my relationship first and foremost but H was encouraging - it would take us closer to our goal and also be a fabulous opportunity for me and he would follow in May.

So I went. I've been there 3 months and during that time he seems to have become distant. He's never available to chat online and he talks about the books that this woman has given him to read - books he's never shown an interest in before. I've come home for Christmas, knowing that this is the time he's away on the trip. But when I walked into the bedroom of our home here I felt like I had been punched in the stomach. My breath literally left me. It wasn't my room. The top drawer of my bedside unit has been cleared. No photos are up (there weren't any before I left) and it just seems so not me. And why would he need two boxes of condoms beside his bed when I'm not there and we only used them in emergencies? There's a ticket to a show as well that I knew nothing about. The room told me my husband has cheated.

Upstairs there's photos of me, he's arranged for his mum to set up a christmas tree and he's left me a gift. He is usually generous, but the Tiffany's box reaks of guilt.

I'm on my own here, so my mind is wondering. Since I've come home I've asked him to cut his trip short to spend more than the original week together. He got aggresive at the suggestion. He's not always available to answer my calls, I've found poetry talking about blue eyes when mine are brown and emails that are flirty. I also found emails where he told a friend that he didn;t know if he was going to go to Europe or not - and he's avoided the subject since I've been there.

I asked him about the bedroom. He told me to stick up some photos and said "I'm not bringing women over for sex, I'm married to you" but why is the feeling so very very strong? I so want to believe him but I just cannot.

So, he comes back in a week and we'll have four evenings together before I go back to Europe. I don't want to spend that time fighting, but my emotions are crazy. How can I possibly get him to remove this woman (who is 23 to his 38 BTW) from his life when I'm not even there? If I leave Europe to save my marriage I know I'll resent him for it, but if I go and my marriage dies I'll resent myself. Should I throw away my career and dreams to save my other dreams? Compound this with the pressure that a particular medical condition gives me to have a child within 2 years and I'm a shattered woman.

Wow, what awful choices! It sounds like he is having an affair. And with a 23 year old it will never last. The affair WILL die for sure. But what to do in the meantime? I really don't know.

The boards are slow, so please post on general questions. There is more traffic there.

By the way, welcome to marriage builders.

And also, how long have you been married?

shetats,
I am so sorry to hear about your sitch. I can only say we have all been there and all of us have had our breath knocked out of us. As it is New Year's Eve, I don't know if anyone is around to respond. Keep checking and some of the more experienced will be by to advise. You can start by reading everything on this site from Dr. Harley, especially emotional needs. Purchase and read Surviving an Affair by Harley and His Needs, Her Needs, also by Harley.

My own opinion is that it sounds like your husband is deep in the throes of a physical/emotional affair. I'm going to guess that the four days you have planned together will be used by him to "break up" with you. He will tell you that he loves you, but is not in love with you, etc. He may encourage you to stay in Europe and move on without him. Marriage Builders does offer a plan to save your marriage. The old timers can help you there with a plan. There is a lot of hope and support on this website so please stick around, you are going to need it. Start reading while he is gone so you can somewhat prepare yourself.

Good luck.
S.

Thank-you for the welcome. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

We have been married for 2.5 years but together for 14

Shetats,

I think it will be impossible to deal with these issues on different continents.

You have been together 14 years. There is an investment in that much time together. One or the other of you has to move. Hopefully, you can convince him to come to Europe for a few months to sort things out.

The plus in this situation is that 23 year old girls don't emotionally invest in someone so much older than they are. She will not be someone who will really fight to be in the picture.

I wish you patience, humor, strength, forgiveness and a bad memory! They all come in handy in these situations.

Cheers,

PB