My husband and I watched the extended version of "The Two Towers" from Lord of the Rings and it would be good for you to see visually what the affair has done to your WS through a new set of eyes.

Imagine that you are Eowin - niece of King Theoden. Your cousin has been killed in battle, and your brother banished, while your King sits in a Saroman-induced fog - the fog ages him, whithers this tower of a man you once knew. He doesn't recognize you and his voice is not his own. You do not have the power to separate him from this leach of a man who keeps your King under the spell of evil. All while your King's kingdom is being pillaged and burned by that evil.

Now, transfer those same feelings to your real life situation. Your husband is somewhere in that whithering shell that once was a man - he is under the spell of evil. He willingly stepped into that relationship and was lost to its spell. Meanwhile everything in his life is turning to ruin.

Pity the man. But do not suppose that you have the power to bring him out of that fog. That is God's work. But you must maintain the fight long enough by refusing to cater to the will of evil - do not allow what a fog-induced man does to lower your resolve or to violate your feelings. This shell is not your husband. What that shell says has nothing to do with you and everything to do with the will of evil - what evil wants you to think of yourself.

Next time you watch the movie - watch the transformation when the fog lifts.

Hi KA,

Well u r certainly one riviting writer. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> Your description is accurate and scarey.

The fog..... so the question c/b.... why do so many try to wooh back the WS? Because they feel if they don't their spouse won't come back?

U know after all these years on this board, I find it sad to see so many spend soo much of their time, energy and $$ enslaving themselves to a WS instead of using those same things for themselves and their families. I suppose it is more of a thing they must do until they realize they can't fix a WS. For me I call it putting the mind and heart in sync POV.

U can't really expect every BS to get this up front. Some do but they are in the minority..... most of us have to learn life's lesson the hard way.

Thanks for your post, it certainly is a helpful illustration.

L.

I think the reason so many BS try to woo back the WS is because they don't recognize the fog - they see the changes, but mistakenly think that they have the power through logic and love to break through it.

I was just reading where Ark recommended an al anon program for someone "helping" the WS out of the conseqeunces of his fog - and realized why I can see it - I've been in Al Anon 12 steps for 19 years - dealing with adult child of alcoholic issues. Some of that transfered into how I handle - or don't handle - my husband's issues. And it got to the point where I can't go to an Al Anon meeting because I'm in a room full of people who just want to change the addict instead of working on themselves.

It's sometimes too easy for us BS to focus on where we are powerless, instead of taking action where we have power - on our families, on ourselves...

My heart and mind took years to sinc up - my turning point was when I watched a fellow anon (sex addiction was the addiction of choice for our husbands) find out there was another child - from the first affair he had on her - she found this out while she was pregnant with child #5. He'd had 8 affairs, and when he wouldn't leave his wife, OW sprung a child support law suit on him. For a 15 year old daughter.

I watched my friend, while going through this pregnancy, plan on a divorce. She went stealth on her husband. She started just a piece at a time, copying a few financial records each time she went to the store or the library. One week she bought new sheets for her future home - sheets his cheating body hadn't slept in. Each action empowered her and allowed her to set healthier boundaries with her WS. She didn't get involved in defending him or handling the legal action involving the OC.

That's when I got it. Now I'm working a plan too. I no longer wait for the day that evil is cast off.

I think the transformation is quite apparent to most BS's when the A is underway but in my own personal opinion,many BS's are confused,especially when new,that they should be doing so much for the WS in Plan A when in reality they are supposed to be negotiating the end of the A.Meeting needs as Dr.Harley puts it, should be discussed and planned for when the A is *over,not supporting the cake eating and fence sitting fest by trying to meet needs of an active WS who is now getting it from OP and a bit,if at all, from BS.Most WS's(if not all) do not want things from the BS because they are caught up in the A with the OP and get what they "need" from them.So as Orchid states it is sad to see BS's use all the time,money and emotion trying to get a WS to stop the A in what I think are the wrong ways,in some circumstances.

It's OK to present yourself as caring,supportive,work on yourself, make a home welcoming and be ready to work on the marriage but not while the WS is out and about having sex and dining out with the OP etc.That to me is just plain wrong.

Most of us regulars know that it's not the WS we want to deal with and make a new marriage with but the SPOUSE we married.But so many here that encourage meeting needs that should not be given to a WS.Not in that way.It should be negotiation first and retaining your dignity and self worth instead.I know some may not agree with me but in what I have read,many BS's get so down and lost because they are not on the right track.

OTOH,WS's do have more control,I believe,than the characters in movies.They can make choices that are healthier and not hurtful and that is making their marriages and families the priorities as they promised by their vows.Not allegiance to homewrecking sick OP.Even those who are hooked on heroin can get off it with a lot of support and the will to have a better life.It's not easy by any means but it's a choice.

O