I started reading the book Second Chances, in which the author stated that the person who chose the divorce usually ends up happier ten years later (at least they say they are) and the other spouse ends up worse off, and the kids end up miserable, and in many cases severely damaged. It includes stories of men who are seem so narcissistic that they are hard to believe. I could really use some stories, even second or third hand, about betrayers who left their families and regretted it, even years later.<BR>

Nellie<BR>I don't know where to start. I have several stories for you and in every case the betrayer who divorced for the OP is now alone and the other spouse has gone on to a happy new life.<BR>I have seen a lot of marriages break up over infidelity during the last 15 years. Not one of the betraying spouse's has gone on to make anything of their life.<BR>I will send you some stories later today. Have to get the family off right now.<BR>

nellie,<P>My uncle and his wife had 2 children, and his wife was sweet and beautiful, took such good care of the house and him and the kids. Anyway, my Uncle must have had some need for a (pardon the use of the word here) slutty-looking girlfriend, and met this woman at a bar. She wears heavy make-up, has huge hair, mini-skirts, etc... He thought she was so sexy, he had an affair, dumped his wife and ended up with this woman. My aunt, was devastated for about 3 years, but now 10 years later has the best life. She's finished college, has a career as a teacher, put the 2 kids through college, works out, and has a great new husband. Meanwhile, my Uncle is still with his bar-girl, but they sure don't seem happy. He almost seems embarrassed by her, and they fight constantly. Now he even asks her to dress more conservatively (aka his ex-wife) and not be so obnoxious. funny how he just loved that about her during the affair.<P>I think that a lot of betrayers fall in love with these OP for one trait (like my uncle thought she was 'sexy') and then later realize that you can't build a whole life on that one trait.

Nellie: I can tell you the story of my Father, who was a "career cheater." Apparently, during the course of Mom and Dad's marriage, he was always stepping out on her, and when he came back, Mom would accept him back, no questions asked, giving him every opportunity to do it again. They had four children, and when she was 8 months pregnant with their fifth child, she received a letter in the mail, not only telling who my Dad was seeing, but specifics of the affair. It was only then, when she realized that others knew of his indescretions, did she throw him out.<P>He ended up living with, and eventually marrying the woman he had been having the affair with, when he had been thrown out. While we were growing up, none of us had much contact with him, but as we got married and had our families, we started seeing more of him. When his wife died suddenly of a heart attack, my paternal Grandmother urged us to go to the funeral, and as she put it, "take our rightful place." You can imagine our shock, when we arrived there, only to find that not one of my Father's friends or business partners were even aware that he had children, let alone a first wife.<P>Throughout my childhood, I harboured many feelings of resentment towards my Dad, and being young, I used to imagine how I would "pay him back" when I got older. Those fantasies left as I matured, but as my sisters and I sat at the back of the church for the funeral, a thought came into my mind. Call it payback, or what goes around, comes around, whatever. Here was this man grieving for his wife, following the casket and taking his seat in the front pew, totally alone. His five children were there, and yet, he was still alone, at what was probably the hardest time of his life. That was the day that I realized that you will always get back what you give. All of the resentment and animosity I had felt for him disappeared that day.<P>A few years later, my Father took a third wife. She was younger than three of his daughters. Against our advice, he married, and two months later, their marriage was annuled, as it had never been consumated.<P>My Father was diagnosed with terminal cancer June/98. He had no one to care for him, and he begged myself and my husband to take him in with us, as he didn't want to spend his last weeks alone in a hospital. We brought him home, and he was given an opportunity to spend time and get to know his daughters/grandchildren/great grandchildren before he passed away. Even our Mother visited him every day, and the joke among us girls, was that here was this woman who had wished him dead for most of her life, was now trying to keep him alive. But it was not for her, but for us. That is what I would call "unconditional love." My Mother put aside all her anger and hurt she had held onto for so many years, to try and give us one more day with our Father.<P>Five days before our Dad died, our doorbell rang, and there stood this young girl, asking to see her dying Father. She was 24 years old (my Dad was 76) and she was an offspring of yet another affair he had, while married to his second wife.<P>That same day, we had to rush him to the hospital. During the last five days of his life, his daughters/sons in law, kept a 24 hour vigil by his bedside, so that he would not die alone. The day he slipped into a coma, I was in the room with him. I told him that I hoped he had learned a valuable lesson while he had been here. Friends come and go, but without your family, you are nothing. He took my hand, and told me that he understood. Those were the last words he spoke, and he died a day later. <P>Nellie, you asked about regret? My Dad was never one to say anything, unless it was in a joking manner. But, I will tell you this. When my Father took my hand that day in the hospital, I looked into his teary eyes, and I saw so much more than regret. I saw remorse, love, and even fear, but the most important thing that I saw, was a Father's pride for his daughter. <P>Take Care, and keep smiling!<P>------------------<BR><BR>SUCCESS STORY<P>

My (betrayer) H has a father and step father who had affairs that ended their marriages, both are all alone and very unhappy for their choices, as the OW in both cases didn't last longterm....<P>The step dad TOLD ME he was miserable and if he could do the whole thing over he would...<P>cozy

Oh my God, Why Me.......<P>You have touched a place in my heart that I had forgotten was there with the sharing of your story about Dad.<P>It is very similar to my Dad's persona and I was also with him when he died. I saw the same in his eyes and felt the same as you in my heart....lessons learned about family!!!!<P>The tears are just rolling down my face, but I am not sad....<P>You have reminded me of HOPE!!!! Though my H may be as old at them and on a deathbed dying of cancer some day, maybe - just maybe, he will realize what REALLY counts in this life!!<P>Thank you Why Me......and thank you Nellie for this thread!!<P>God Bless You<P>Hugs,<P>Sheba

Dear Sheba: isn't it sad, that some have to look death in the eye, before they truly realize what they have missed. A few days after Dad came to stay with us, I had the strongest urge to call a friend of mine. For whatever reason, I called her at home, knowing that she should be at work. When she answered the phone, I was quite surprised, but even more surprised to find that her Father had passed away, the night before. We discussed the mixed emotions I was feeling, about having him here. She put my mind to rest by reminding me that, my Father had given me life, and now it was up to me to give him death. That phone call I made couldn't have come at a better time, and from that moment on, I was determined that irregardless of the past, my Dad would live out the rest of his life with love and dignity. <P>------------------<BR><BR>SUCCESS STORY<P>