Hey MBer's.

It's been along time since I've been on here, almost a year. And what a tumultous year it has been. I need some MB advice. Some of the regulars may be familiar with my situation ... (its not really any different than anyone else's, is it?)

It would take me a year to recap what has happened over the past year. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> I can just say it was a year of steady withdrawls from my Love Bank. I never thought I could feel this way about my wife... I am afraid to be near her.

I have a mediation set for Tuesday, Jan. 3rd. In all likelyhood I may have a final disolution of my marriage reached and waiting for a judge to sign.

My STBX has again, sought a reconciliation. She called this morning asking if we were doing the right thing and saying she thinks we could save it.

Since last Christmas we have attempted reconciliation several times. She has repeatedly lied to me regarding No Contact with her internet lover. She has agreed and then refused protection measures. She agreed to many things but never followed through. She quit on the relationship at least 5 separate times during the last 11 months. We finally made it into counseling with Jennifer in September(STBX set appointments) but STBX quit counseling after 4 sessions. Jennifer was working on meeting needs and stopping love busters. My wife wouldn't do it, and sent me a text message while I was in my nephew's wedding saying she was done with counseling. In the beginning she said she loved the counseling and Jennifer, but now says she didn't like it?

One minute she likes something the next she doesn't. One minute she is happy the next the is Ugly mean. She has drastic mood swings and is very hurtful and nasty to me and the kids, I have been in relatively no-contact since mid-October. She pursued the Divorce issue and had the judge reinstate the case. (The judge had dismissed the case because of no activity for 6 months) Her attny has pettitioned for the mediation, "in hopes of a rapid and mutual dissolution of the marriage.

I don't know what to do, I have never moved back home because I did not feel safe. My STBX has not followed through on anything. No stability, no security, no dependability. I just kept plunking away all year, hoping for a change. I used to think my ability to hope was a beneifit for me, however in the last three months I have looked at it as a curse ... it has been too painful.

The judge wants something done with the case. I've wasted tons of money on attnys and so has she. I just don't see anything ever happening.

Well, give that famous MB advice and support.

OH, Happy New Year

Hi Tom!

Been wondering about you.

It sounds 2 me like you may be putting a bit 2 much stock in your hope she'll pull her head out. She may yet, but it'll be entirely on her own when or if it does happen.

I'm glad you're back, though. And if Mrs Joad is reading here, well she's welcome 2. Maybe people here can help some.

-ol' 2long

Hi Tom,

Looks like you figured out the problem so just ignore the e-mail I sent ya!

O

Edited to Add:

P.S. My advice,take it or leave it,is more along the lines these days supporting making a time line that you feel good about and stick to it .What I see over and over here is that BS's keep giving chance after chance after chance getting their hearts ripped out over and over as the WS fails and fails to prtoect the M and spouse even if they claim they don't want a D.It is not only extremely hurtful but careless and insulting.Don't let your WW do that aymore Tom.There has to be a boundary to how much slack you keep giving her.No one,NO ONE,deserves that kind of allowance OK? You are a man with feelings and heart,mind and soul and she can't keep dragging you around with her indecision.Decide what YOU want to do with your life.

Hi again. Glad you checked back in. I think you should just get a divorce. You can always remarry if she ever gets her head on straight.

I always thought you two would make it, but she has to want to put in a consistent effort.

Thanks for the comments so far.

2Long, Believer,
You are so right on the money. I honestly believe anyone can change, but you have to do the work, No one can do it for you. I think there maybe a medical problem there too, but ... as soon as someone says something she doesn't like, or says she isn't fine just the way she is ... she shuts them out. That is why she quit counseling. But as far as remarrying her, I don't think so, not after a divorce.

10girl, your right too. I set conditions, she agreed, and then I waited and waited. When I brought it up she would just say she changed her mind ... Then when we split again, she calls back and wants to try again. If I'm not there she is willing to do all kinds of things, but when I stand next to her, she won't do anything and doesn't want too. In addition, she is just overwhelming emotionally abusive to me and the kids.

Stick to this, it is time.

Her ability to go from "happy to UGLY mean" to you and the kids tells me of her serious level of immaturity.

Let her reap what she has sown now Tom, and then she may mature into a woman with character and control over her hurtful, abusive and self-indulgent mood swings and self-centeredness...or not.

But give her the chance to fall after your divorce, and see if she becomes who she is capable of becoming. Allow her this opportunity for growth, and yourself the opportunity to find love which does not hurt.

This has been going on too long. I hardly ever advise folks here to divorce, but I really don't see any other options. You have fought the good fight, and can be proud that you were man enough to try to save your marriage.

Tree Reich is getting D'd on the 3rd. Maybe you two can be friends.

Ooops - that wasn't very MB like.

I remember you from when I first started on this board a year ago. My WH has a problem with MB counseling also. After his first appointment, he really liked SH. Now, he drags his feet and/or lies about making and keeping appointments. Personally, I think WH's afraid of what SH has to say. It's a yellow brick road that can get the wayward back into their marriage. It's sensible, honest and direct. And it scares the [email]cr@p[/email] out of the WS. It runs contrary to the "feel good", me, me, me fantasy they are currently in.

You've come a long ways. Protecting yourself is very important. Feeling a little bit of control and setting boundaries also is. Are you still in some form of Plan B?

B? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> Ya,not very MB like. tsk tsk.

Well, I thought of you too O-girl. But you are a little farther away.

I know we're not supposed to do hook-ups here, but I find myself wanting everyone to find a good person.

I've been doing this stuff for 3 years, and when my D is final, I plan to have fun, fun, fun.

I hope you do have fun B.You so deserve it <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />.But you know me,I always want BS's to have several months healing time post D before hitting that relationship road again.

I would love to meet an MB guy though versus trying my "luck" out in the real world.At least there is more security in what we talk about and believe here and you're ahead of the "game".That to me is a great starting point even if it doesn't actually work out.

There was talk on the D/D board about "what if" there was an MB "dating site" and it was an interesting discussion.I think it would be a good idea under *certain circumstances.

Hi TJ,
I've wondered how you've been doing over the past year.
We've missed you.

What has she told you would be different this time?

Did she ever get an updated evaluation from a psychiatrist concerning medications etc? Any consistent IC?

If nothing has been proposed and offered I think you should probably proceed as planned. This can't have been an easy year for you or your kids riding a rollercoaster of your wife's emotional instability and lack of commitment.

Trix, I'm glad to hear from you.

Well, last year when she wanted to reconcile I told her I needed;

1. Verifiable No-Contact (access to computer and phone records) At the time she didn't have a computer.
2. Change her phone #.
3. Arrange for counciling.
4. A letter from her attny. stating she wanted to reconcile.
5. Complete honesty about the affair.

I got a letter from her attny a month later (after I brought it up again)

She bought a new computer (she said so she could talk to me? Didn't give me access to it.) She maintained her phonesex and cybersex affair going (she claims they are just friends why can't they talk?) She still lied about her PA. She wouldn't cancel her multiple email accounts and told me she didn't remember the password to her Cybersex name, but when I hacked it she freaked out and said she was calling the OM to tell him? (doesn't sound like "I" was the one she was worried about, or who she bought the computer for" Then she told me she couldn't afford counseling, but she could afford new computer ???

She didn't change her phone # until July ( and made a big deal of it) She didn't arrange for counciling until Sept. then quit after 4 meetings.

On our anniversary in Feb. she gave me a set of lingerie for her to wear for me. (I knew from his IM's that OM had given her the lingerie and there were ... stains in the crotch from the both of them - nice anniversary present)

She never kept her word about anything. From dates, to behaivor, to ... I mean everything. She would agree then cancel or change her mind at the last minute, usually picking a fight with me or the kids and trying to put the blame on us on why she wouldn't go.

She has told me many many times she will do whatever it takes to fix the marriage, that quitting is not an option. But she quits almost monthly. Where is the future in that for me? She'll cheat again whenever she feels like it. She is still in contact with her cyber lover. In fact he was supposed to come and stay with her in October while I was out of town at a wedding.

And you are correct, she has offered nothing, proposed nothing, contributed nothing, all she did was complain if she didn't get everyhing she wanted. Even now, she has proposed nothing for tomorrow, she only made excuses on why she quit counseling(even though she claimed she loved it before ... SEE!! nothing is ever the same) She won't accept responsibility for anything she does, it is always someone elses fault or somethings fault.

She calls and makes these statements, but does nothing. Just talk.

I was excited when we went into counciling, ... even at 9 months late I was excited because she made the appointment. She did it ... she called and set up the appointments. Then she did a few other things, and she made some real plans. It looked like she was making an effort, taking action. Of course then she cancelled the real plans, quit counseling and was waiting for her cybergeek lover to visit.

I'm not even going to mention how and what the kids think of her.

She would tell me what she cares about, so I do it, then she tells me the next week that she doesn't really care about it. It is all a waste of time, ... well no ... the time was valuable because it helped me finally realize she is unwilling to do anything for anyone but herself.

She used to be able to make me feel better than anything in the world. (she didn't do it very often, but enough to keep me loving her) But now, I can't even remember her making me feel that way ... I can't remember ever feeling good with her.

Hope everything is well with you.

Believer and 10girl, well I have to admit, I'm not the bachelor type. I like having a real partner to share things with. I won't force anything, but you can't catch any fish without some hooks in the water.

Tom,

The data is clear...there is not only smoke but fire. Is it time to clear the building? You are well trained and I think you know the answer that best suits you.

God Bless,

JL

TJ,
Some people rely on the spouse's unconditional commitment to marriage and blame their spouses for ending a marriage in which lack of care was evident. As I read this, I think that you might want to ask your wife to draw up a commitment of what she will do to restore your marriage and have the actual divorce triggered if the conditions are not met.

It took me a long, long time to realize that the commitment to marriage is conditional upon the spouse's behavior.
Cherished

JL,

you made me smile.

Cherished,

I don't feel like asking her for anything. I have done that, it just sets me up for dissappointment and pain. The divorce papers have been filed since 7/04. She had a list she said she'd do and reneged. In counseling Jennifer gave her a plan that she also agreed to follow then backed out. False expectations. She wouldn't even put in the protection feature that Jennifer asked her too.

Nothing would have made me happier than to keep my family together, and have a happy caring marriage. But for the past year she actually made more withdrawls..????? I am so angry at her for not keeping her word, for what she has done to the kids.

Somewhere down the road, you finally use up your last chance. I still remember her telling how great OM was and how he would take her in a second. I hope she tries that out, OM is scum and an internet preditor.

Sorry for the rant. I'm still trying to protect my STBX from my anger and hurt and I haven't vented in a long time.

And Cherished, this is at least my STBX's 2nd affair. Several suspected EA's also. Before we married she cheated 3 more times. I know, I know, what was I thinking. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

So,it sounds like you have no reason to believe this time would be any different. You know you've tried your best.
I think you already know what you should do. Stop the pain for all concerned.

We are doing fine. My H has been temporarily working 7 days a week out of town(a couple of hours away. I go to visit him on the weekends. My trust in him is built to a place that I've been okay with this. He calls several times a day and evening.

TJ,
You've answered your own question. That's the best way to have it answered. End your marriage tomorrow in peace and look to a peaceful future.

Cherished

Made a mistake, my mediation is on Thursday.

Got an email from STBX. She says she's sorry. She says it takes work. She invited me to come over and fill out the EN questionaire to prove she is committed.

We filled out the ENQ last February and again in Sept. with Jennifer along with the LBQ. Didn't work then. She says she is working on controling her mood swings.

She lied to me again about OM. Said there isn't anybody else, but I know she has been in regular contact with him. OH YEAH, they're just friends. She doesn't get it. I've said it all to her before, the counselor told her the same, she still thinks she can force me to exist in a M with no honesty, and be constantly abused.

She is doing the same thing she has done before, promising the things that are important to me and our M. But as soon as I say OK. All those promises are worthless. She has not followed through on anything she has said without some sort of difficulty.



But still, sometimes that damnable Hope exists. It tortures me, but I'm enduring.

Tom - Tell her that you need ACTIONS, not words, and she needs to be truthful. Ask her to go get some meds. Let her know that you are worried about her mood swings. Explain that you are really done.