okay, so i have told him that i am willing and ready to work on our marriage and I am being sweet and telling him that I will be there for him and meet his EN's.

And now I am supposed to expose him? Isn't that sort of sneaky and won't that make him resent me even more?

I am still confused about plan A.

Advice needed.

I know. I know. Wouldn't it be perfect if by simply telling your H that you're "willing & ready to work on the M, be sweet, be 'there' for him, and meet his ENs", that magically, that would end the A, bring him home, and make life wonderful?

Unfortunately, this is not a fairy tale. It is real life. Real life is messy and hard.

Good. You told him you're going to do your part. Now he has to step up and do his. And, most likely he can't. Not now. He's addicted to the A. He can't stop.

Do Plan A. There are great Plan A threads to help you here. Did you get the books? SAA? HNHN? You need this information.

But, you can't stop gathering information and ammunition to kill the A.

Again, we all know how hard this is for you. We have BTDT. It's awful, terrible. You don't deserve it.

Good luck.

Alison,
Have you read everything on the site about Plan A?

He might resent you, or say he resents you, but this is about saving your marriage. HE is in a fog, HE doesn't know what he's doing, HE can't make good choices right now, HE can't quit the affair.

YOU break up the affair by exposure, then be his soft place to fall when he's in withdrawal from it.

Make sense?

MSA

Just lost my post, arrrrrr
Alison,
The reason for exposure is quite simply to put all the pressure you can on busting up the A.
It is good you are trying to change and provide for those EN's. But often it is uneffective it there continues to be an ongoing A. That is because your H is in the fog and cannot see his left hand from his right hand.
So, part of Plan A is to bust up the A. Exposure is the best weapon in your arsenal to do this. It should be swift and withour warning to achieve maximum resutls. It burst the bubble of secrecy that allows the A to exixt in the first place.
When brought to full light, A's simply cannot exist. It becomes far too uncomfatable for the A partners and they begin to realize that the price to continue, doesn't outweigh the benefits of the A itself.
Your H will not feel you meeting his EN's if someone else is already doing that for him. So yes, Expose and bust up the A. He will not see you, until OP is gone.
Hoping the exposure experts will jump in here.
Reach to Mel or others and they can be of GREAT assisitance.
All Blessings,
Jerry

Jerry, thank you. It is helping to hear everyone's point of view on this. I really am going to do it, but am SOOOOO afraid that my H may be telling the truth about no A with this woman. Am I crazy??

AND - seriously - what of there is no A and I do this exposing - really only OWH and his work to expose to - and he hates me for it and never wants to speak to me again??

Also - with the exposing. LORD - how do i do the work one???

Yes, makes sense, but really what if there is no affair?? Please help me... Am I really being stupid to think nothing could be going on...???

Alison, you have gotten a lot of good advice from MelodyLane on your other thread -

Here is Pepperband's
"The Carrot and the Stick of Plan A" which I hope clarifies some things about Plan A...

ALISON...

HE IS HAVING AN AFFAIR.

Let MelodyLane help you with that. She is an expert at how to handle these situations.

Also - why can't I tell him that I am exposing his "little secret"????

Because he will keep doing what he is already doing!!! Which is to say, spinning webs that make you doubt yourself. He will also forewarn OW, and she will forewarn her H, which is to say that she will preceed your story with tales of how nuts you are, and how you make things up, and how desperate and suspicious and clingy you are, and ... do you get the picture? Happens every time if the OW or the WH are forewarned.

You MUST keep you plans a secret until you are ready to expose. You MUST not give him a chance to unravel all the good exposure will do by knowing in advance that it's coming. Check out Jaysmom's thread on Plan A / Plan B - she just exposed Friday. Even if you can't read the entire thread, just check out the last couple days... she was scared to death and it took her months to get up the nerve, but she is so glad she did, and it will probably end the A immediately.

Mrs. - Thanks I will read Jaysmoms thread. I believe they already think I am crazy due to my drunken "exposure" in mexico. I did tell the OWH that I thought they were "doing it" but with an F in the beginning. So he may already have his preconcieved opinion about me.. What can I do then?

Show/tell him the proof you have, i.e. the cell records and the text message.

Post deleted by sickofthis1961

Alison -

You can do this. It's an awful place to be. But exposure is so important. Gather your facts & information and go from there.

Get yourself strong.

Kim

Present your information to the OWH just like you did to the community here. Have any evidence at hand so he can look at it. Dont be confrontational. Dont attack his wife in any way-- just present everything and let him know that with what you have at hand, you feel their (WH and OW) relationship is extremely innapropriate and you'd like his help and understanding.

Allison, I was naive enough to believe that if my husband could look me in the eyes, than he was not lying. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> Not only that, but his new expression during the worst part of this mess was "trust me". OMG, it sucked the life out of me when I tried to wrap my mind around it all. He may never admit it but you know what you know. Present your case. Here is something else to chew on:

After DDay I purchased some tapes from a website -lightyourfire.com. Dr. Ellen Kriedman of that website told me this:

"Many times, when a man's behavior makes no sense and he starts distancing himself from you emotionally and sexually, he is usually seeing or interested in another woman who he has made an emotional connection with. Just so you know, usually, one of the first signs that an affair has been going on, is that he tries to find fault with you in order to justify the affair in his mind. Anything he can find, he magnifies, because if he can prove that you are a terrible wife, then he can feel justified for doing what he is doing. Another more important sign is that he no longer wants to kiss passionately on the lips and no longer initiates making love because he feels guilty. Many times, when a man swears there is no other woman, he says that because it's not a physical affair at this point. But he doesn't realize that an "emotional" affair is just as bad because it cheats you out of the emotional connection the two of you should be having and ruins a marriage. Every couple argues, but if there is another woman who he can talk to, then he secretly thinks he'd be better off with her during those times and your arguments become more frequent and you stay distant longer and longer."

I AM FEELING THE SAME WAY ABOUT THE EYE THING EVEN THOUGH i AM WELL AWARE OF ALL (shoot not yelling, caps lock sucks) the body language signs of a liar, and he does show many of them at times, but I adore him and at this point I am so wrapped around his finger that I almost will belive anything he says but get this!!...

Just got of the phone with H. I very very calmly laid it on the line ofr him again and said to him, "I know you are having an affair, blah blah blah" Blah meaning reiterating the facts/evidence that I have. so he says, "okay so I am having an affair, lets just go with that. I don't care anymore, tell the world. I am tired of dealing with this. I just don't care anymore. You can tell everyone you caught us screwing on the floor and I wouldn't care - I am just tired. now what?" So I calmly asked him, " so you are admitting that you are having an affair" and he said, "no I am just telling you what you believe and what you want to hear. I can't convince you otherwise, can I?"


So here I am again, not sure what to do. Second guessing as usual, needing some major advice.. [email]HELP@@@[/email]

This makes me think I need to do Plan A for a while longer concentrating on no LB's and then maybe do the exposure. Any thoughts?? Please advise!!!

Also, can I wait to try to get more evidence, then do the exposure? I really want physical (photo) proof. I feel like that is THE ONLY way I might be able to get H to admit and quit!!

I don't think you understand exposure. Exposure is not to get him to admit to anything. It is to expose the affair to OTHER people. Believe me, he already knows he is in an affair.

Exposure brings the evilness of the affair into the light. It can not flourish in the light.

You can wait, but the longer you wait, the longer it goes and the deeper he gets into it.