I wasn't sure where to post this...so any help or advice would be appreciated. DDay for me was September 17 of 2005. So this is still very fresh on my mind. My H had been having a 6-7 (or longer) month affair with an older women at his job. He apparently got EXTREMELY close to her. This was an emotional, physical...everykind of affair. Anyway, after I found out, I left and flew home to my parents for a week, came back and we started counseling. Later in October I found out her gave her his new phone number. I was livid. We talked about it in counseling and he was to never talk to her again.

Come to find out that Christmas Eve, he not only talked to her, he took her to lunch and bought her a piece of jewelry. I was in shock, yet I haven’t left. And NOW, everything has turned around. Instead of him being afraid of me leaving, I’m afraid of him leaving. He talks about how much he cares for the OW and how close he became to her. And he is ashamed and feeling extremely guilty, yet he is being honest. He doesn't know if he wants to work it out with me and now I’m sitting here like "don't be stupid, get out of this marriage." But at the same time it's not like me to give up and I don't want to give up. He says he has realized that he must have a relationship with God and he has done enough to me…..

We have had an extremely rocky relationship. He was abusive in our relationship at first; physically, emotionally, mentally. We have never respected, truly respected each other. There has been jealousy and anger and rage. And now this affair. I have learned that I must turn to a higher power to get me through this, but I am now wondering if I need to go, or just wait for him to mess up again. Because he said he can't control himself. Am I just stupid for staying? Or should I pack up and leave? I have an awesome support system back home, so I in all honesty wouldn't have a lot of trouble moving on. We would split everything in half; I don't have children or money to worry about. Am I so codependent that I can't leave him? Or do I stay and fix MY personal problems as he fixes his and go to codependency classes and go to church? Any advice?

If I were in your situation, with the history you guys have, I would pack up & leave. You don't need a life full of this. Even if he can manage to get untangled from the affair and overcome some of his abusive traits, it is doubtful that he has the relationship skills to navigate the kind of relationship you deserve. Once you have children you will pay and pay for his problems, his addictions, and his chaos.

Moving on won't be easy at first, but he isn't in recovery with you right now, he's still cheating. You deserve better.

MSA