I wasn't sure where to post this...so any help or advice would be appreciated. DDay for me was September 17 of 2005. So this is still very fresh on my mind. My H had been having a 6-7 (or longer) month affair with an older women at his job. He apparently got EXTREMELY close to her. This was an emotional, physical...everykind of affair. Anyway, after I found out, I left and flew home to my parents for a week, came back and we started counseling. Later in October I found out her gave her his new phone number. I was livid. We talked about it in counseling and he was to never talk to her again.

Come to find out that Christmas Eve, he not only talked to her, he took her to lunch and bought her a piece of jewelry. I was in shock, yet I haven’t left. And NOW, everything has turned around. Instead of him being afraid of me leaving, I’m afraid of him leaving. He talks about how much he cares for the OW and how close he became to her. And he is ashamed and feeling extremely guilty, yet he is being honest. He doesn't know if he wants to work it out with me and now I’m sitting here like "don't be stupid, get out of this marriage." But at the same time it's not like me to give up and I don't want to give up. He says he has realized that he must have a relationship with God and he has done enough to me…..

We have had an extremely rocky relationship. He was abusive in our relationship at first; physically, emotionally, mentally. We have never respected, truly respected each other. There has been jealousy and anger and rage. And now this affair. I have learned that I must turn to a higher power to get me through this, but I am now wondering if I need to go, or just wait for him to mess up again. Because he said he can't control himself. Am I just stupid for staying? Or should I pack up and leave? I have an awesome support system back home, so I in all honesty wouldn't have a lot of trouble moving on. We would split everything in half; I don't have children or money to worry about. Am I so codependent that I can't leave him? Or do I stay and fix MY personal problems as he fixes his and go to codependency classes and go to church? Any advice?

Has he completely stopped being abusive?

How long have you been married?

I am 26 he is 29. We began dating in 2000 and the abuse started immediately and ended a year and a half later. He went to a counselor and nothing since then. We got married in June of 2003. The friendship with the OW began in November or so of 2004 when we moved to this state and it became a real A prob in March 2005 and I found out in September of 2005. The OW is 43 and another race (not that that really even matters....) just a slap in the face to me.

i must say something else about my H. He has willingly gone to counseling, spilled his heart, professed his undeniable guilt and shame for what he has done. He keeps saying "we should have never moved here." and "i never imagined doing this to you." I know in my heart he is not a bad person. Just made bad choices. But how long must I stick around? I love him dearly and don't want to imagine my life without him in it. He wanted to be by himself today and I was okay with that. He went and bought Joel Olstein's (mp?) book and has began reading it. I see that he wants to change, but am afraid that he doesn't want me to walk in the journey with him.....i am just confused.

Have you exposed the affair to her husband (if she has one) and to the company? Exposure will help bring an end to the affair.

She is a single woman. And if i BELIEVE if i were to expose it to the company, both the OW and my H would be fired. And the fact of the matter is that my H started the A. He approached the OW. Once it was apparently "broken off"...for example, he wrote the final letter, she did not speak to him. HE approached her again to talk. It's like an addiction to him. Should i contact the company and ask of their workplace rules as far as infidelity in the workplace?? Would they/Could they fire her?

Have you read the info on the site and the book, Surviving an Affair?

You need to start with those. They will help you see what you are up against and will help you to formulate a plan.

IS there a way you can go back to your old town and his old job?

I think the book he bought is very, very good.

take care

No i have not read this. I will def look into it. at this time we can't move. his committment to the company will not be up until august of this year...then he MAY be able to transfer. I just don't know if i can do this for another 8 months. i will look into this book. thanks for the advice.

Read all about Plan A. That is the starting point. It is about being the best wife you can, admiring him (for things you can), and not being angry. You only have to do it for a couple of months. It can end the affair. But your big problem is that they work together. The Harleys suggest that the infidels never have contact again.

not stupid ....

he says this? ---> "I can't control myself."

hmmmmmmmmm

reminds me of "Love Must Be Tough" <--- a GREAT book by James Dobson

When the WS gives the BS THIS statement of being out of control ... I usually think a very INTENSE Plan A should be tried ....

If you want to give your marriage a chance, go for it ... but go for it FULL THROTTLE

draw up your battle plan .... the AFFAIR is your enemy ... not OW and not your H ... go after the affair .... make your marriage irresistible by doing a gold-standard Plan A

i pretty much started Plan A this week. i have been a loving, sweet, understanding wife. I still feel like when i ask him a question...he should answer it without hesitation. He still gets angry when i ask him the same questions over and over. I don't understand how he can get so mad? he should have known the consequences to his actions...i have a RIGHT to ask questions. I have to read the Plan A again, but how long do i do plan A before going on to Plan B?

This is Plan A vital information .... read/study/impliment

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...;gonew=1#UNREAD

So I looked over the plan A…but I feel like I have been doing everything possible to keep my H around. Shouldn’t he give me a decision about what he wants? I told him I need a decision. You either want to work out our marriage or you want out. It’s like he just ignores the subject and just keeps staying in our marriage. I haven’t gotten an answer from him. I feel like I should get an answer before I keep trying to fix the marriage. I'm unhappy living here (we moved here a year ago). I hate my job…I miss my family….I feel like everything is telling me to move home (which is about a 17 hour drive home). So you can imagine how far I am from my family. With his job he says he can’t leave or even think about leaving till august….but he hasn’t even asked his boss. I'm just tired of feeling like this. I feel like I deserve better. I don’t even want to really go into plan B. I feel like if I say leave or if I leave, then that’s it. I don’t know if I need to do this anymore....

I told him earlier today we needed to talk about the status of our relationship and he needed to give me an answer tonight if he wants to work it out or give up. He said we could talk about it, but the last few times we have talked, I never get a straight answer out of him. If he doesn’t even know if he wants to work it out, how can we even begin to try? He keeps saying he doesn’t know if it’ll ever be the way it was. I keep telling him, I don’t want it to be the way it was; I want it to be better! We never had respect for each other before; we never had a friendship…or openness. I WANT all those things now. It seems like he has no faith. Do I go home and have this discussion with him? What do I do?

Why do you repeat yourself?

Well, after i found out about the A, i wanted accountablity from him. what time he was getting off, i wanted him to call me when he got home, i would count his milege..etc....and now, i've stopped doing a lot of things, even though he tells me he is txt messaging the OW and he thinks about her, etc....

so this morning when i called,i asked my H if he had a good morning...and he said yes...then i said "no, was your morning okay." i was meaning did he talk to her or see her etc...and he said "why do you have to keep asking me the same stuff over and over again." it's like he doesn't even know how much i'm hurting. And i feel like i'm sitting around while he does this in front of my face.

***Shouldn’t he give me a decision about what he wants? I told him I need a decision. You either want to work out our marriage or you want out.***

No, KDee -- like so many betrayed spouses, you are forgetting Option #3:

Stay in the marriage and have both a wife AND a girlfriend.

Your WH *has* made a decision. He has decided that he wants both of you. That's what he's doing and that's what he'll continue to do as long as he can string you along and make you a part of the triangle.

You have no way of removing HIM from the triangle.

You can only remove YOURSELF from the triangle.
Mulan

You are so very right. I am just confused and hurt. He KNOWS what he is doing wrong. I can see it in him. I can see his pain and i know he must feel a little of my pain. I guess if I want to continue this, I must move to Plan B. I have no other choice. And that way, maybe he can make a decision.

KDee,

Plan A tends to go against every instinct we have. That's why it works in contrast to going with what our feelings tell us to do.

One of the big parts of Plan A that was hard for me was really understanding the no relationship talk part. That's ALL I wanted to talk about. I wanted the accountability. I wanted to not feel like he was doing everything right in front of my face too.

In Plan A though, you assume the affair IS ongoing. You don't condone it or accept it. You let him know it hurts you. Then you move on with Plan A.

He is looking for justification for his affair. Part of that justification is how he feels with HER compared to how he feels with YOU. She understands him and accepts him...blah blah blah.

You are absolutely justified in asking him questions and expecting the accountability.

You may just have to choose between being doing so or in applying a true plan A.

Both choices are open to you and neither one is wrong.

But understand that Plan A is about YOU, KDee. You can not control his actions, only your response to those actions. That took me a long time to understand. No amount of telling him how hurt I was, none of the reasoning with him, none of the questioning or threats did a single thing.

Backing off of that while still letting him know I was not okay with his calling her or seeing her did make a difference. It confused the heck out of him and took away one of his feel good justifications. I told him it hurt me when he did those things but didn't question him about them.

I assumed it was happening every single time he was away from me for more than two minutes. My time and my actions were then independant from what he was doing. It gave me the freedom and the power to do a great Plan A and work on ME and what I could do to change the relationship. If I had been obsessing about what he was doing I wouldn't have had the ability to do that Plan A and more importantly I would have been wasting my time and energy on something I had no control over.

It's not easy. I know that. But when I really studied Plan A and followed the advice I received here and from Steve Harley (get that counseling for yourself if you can, it makes a WORLD of difference) I saw that I had nothing to lose from trying it. What I was doing on my own hadn't worked.

Good luck to you!

FIM

edited to add:

We were posting at the same time. Plan B is meant to follow a great Plan A. Be careful of going into it too soon!

thank you SOO much FIM. That just made so much sense. i guess i didn't totally understand my role in Plan A....I also have another post up about exposing him to his company. would you mind looking at that (if you didn't already?) thanks again!
KDee

With such a short marriage, no kids, and him being abusive, I think you should at least seperate from him.