Thanks. I am having one of those "can't get a prayer out myself" days.

I had gotten an e-mail from WH this a.m.:

Sarah-
I thought long and hard about you last night, and I miss you, but can't change anything. Could you please send me the CC #'s and calling info so I can see if I can use that money for buying my new car when the D is final.
-WH

This probably contributes to my mood today.

You guys help more than you know.

hmm, maybe you could respond:

I thought long and hard about you last night, too. These thoughts were while I was bathing our sons, snuggling with them and putting them to bed. I also thought about you when your as yet unborn son was kicking me in the stomach. He is so like his daddy.

If you truly missed me, you would change things. No, I can't send you the CC#s and calling info. That money will need to be used to provide for your children. If you need money to purchase a new car, I suggest you trade in the mustang. It should more than cover the cost of a new car.


Ok, maybe it would not be the nicest response.

I am sure that would have a lot to do with my mood, too.

blessings

Actually I think that is the perfect response. And really, I don't think there is anything nasty in it.


Can you please tell your WH I thought long and hard about him last night while watching the Sopranos? I say empty the diaper pail in his precious mustang.

I didn't reply at all. When he called, I said I was too busy today to look into it (I mean, hello? I am about to give birth. I am taking care of the kids. I have to keep bringing things to the workers, and have been talking to realtor all day!) I don;t have time to think about helping you get a new car because you want to divorce me.

It's like he wants me to be his friend and help him through this. That is not meeting EN's--that's being a mommy doormat. And that is not my job. he has called me lately to ask things like--how do I set up a a paypal acct, a p.o.box, etc. I have always taken care of these things for him--but while I know I should try to meet his EN's, I don't think these qualify when their only purpose is to help him get on his feet in his new life without me.

What is sick about this, is when he wrote he missed me...it felt nice. Like I was hanging onto a crumb or something. But then the next sentence made me want to spit that crumb out.
I don't know how firm I believe in this alien/fog thing all the time--sometimes, people can just be cruel.

Oh and thanks Shattered. If I ever grow some "mean bones" I'll pass this along. I think comments like this all the time. I just never say them. Hope that's for the best.

I know exactly how you feel. I hope it eases your mind to know that there are former wayward spouses that post here and/or tell their betrayed spouses who post here that they cannot believe the things they said and did. They themselves are sometimes horrified at their behavior upon reflection.

Texas, I usually am not a mean person at all. As a matter of fact, sometimes I am too nice and people take advantage of me. Not so much anymore. The older I get the more I speak out. It's just that I feel very protective of children and pregnant women. I am very proud of you and the way you are holding up under the circumstances. Do you have a happy place for your labor? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Hehehe..happy place? For labor?
Did you get the memo?
It's PAINFUL!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I'll be at the hospital. Who will be with me is still a little undecided. Plenty have offered, and my mom will be here, but I haven't made the final decision.
It will be so weird not having my H there.
My friend had her baby today (homebirth--not for me) and when I left her house, it was so sad for me. (WARNING-PITY PARTY COMING ON!) Her H was there, the whole fam--what it should be like. I cried all the way home.
but like osmeone said earlier onthis thread, I'll have the prize, right? I'll have this new life to keep me busy (and sleep deprived <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />).

Okay, there are gobs of Texans here on the site. There is probably one in your town. If you let us know, I am sure one or several of us would be happy to help you out with childcare, a meal, anything at all.

Intexas, I just thought I'd respond on your own thread... you know, we ended up playing "Held" at the re-wedding we had (just the 2 of us, the pastor, & photographer in Vegas of all places) - and we bawled together the whole way thru it. I wish the same for you and WH someday; what a moron he is being. Incredible song, we both loved it immediately when it started up on the radio.

Which brings me to, have you heard Third Day's "Light at the end of this Tunnel" on their newest? There will be that for you!!!!!

MSA

Thanks moveforward.That is so very kind of you.

I am in Central TX-between Waco and Austin, right off 35. Thankfully, I really have good friends here. I called one earlier (one of the few that are unmarried) and asked if once my mom leaves and maybe grandma, could she come on Sunday evenings just to be an extra hand. I work Sunday evenings, and wasn't going to be able to pay childcare for that fifth night. She said yes, of course, and she'd cook for us too that night. She said she wanted me to ask for help--that was what she was there for.
So maybe I need to ask more. Hard for me to do, but let's face it--I'm not in the best of situations right now.

You are giving others a gift when you let them help you.

I also have the hardest time absorbing that, but it really is true.

Haven't heard it, but will search for the lyrics once I hit post. I love music--find it very helpful during this time.

"Held" is one of my favs. I saw Natalie Grant perform it at the women of faith conference last year-that is when I heard it for the first time. Loved it then, and didn't even have this happening in my life.

Me and my best friend here in TX went to the conference together. We both loved it. A week before my WH moved out, so did her WH. He was the youth minister, and was having a yearlong affair with his assistant. The manipulation and lies were probably more shocking than any heard on here. He prayed with her about her learning to trust him and everything. Vert scary stuff. She is actually divorced already. It's so sad. She has two little ones (4,2) like me. I am sure God has us as friends for a reason. That song kind of has helped us both.

It is so true. I also don't have family here and I guess I started to feel like you can't depend on anyone but yourself. Well, this awful situation FORCED me to reach out and ask for help. Initially I'd preface it with "Just say No if you can't". <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> Sometimes the words would gag me. I hated asking for help. I think that was the point of it. I had to learn how. I truly love to help people that need it. I always try and remember that when I'm asking for help. And a woman with a newborn, 2YO and 4YO, whose husband left her for another woman in her last trimester?! Fuggetaboutit!! Us women will be all over you like a bad rash trying to help!

Here's what you need to tell them when they ask, is there anything I can do?

Watch the two toddlers so I can take a nap and catch up on my sleep.
Cook some meals that I can throw in the freezer.
Take the boys to the park.
Run errands.
Keep me company.
Watch my boys some more so I can nap again.
Babysit.
Cook.

You get the picture. Hey, it's the one time in your life where no favor is too big to ask. Take advantage of it!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

I have to warn you, I searched the lyrics and they didn't thrill me the way hearing the actual song does, which is why I didn't post them over here... truly I love the song though, though the lyrics look a little cliche' on paper... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

God definitely puts people in our lives even before we need them. A woman about 10 years older than me started working for me in my dept (we share an office, just us two) and went thru her H's affair about 7 years ago just when we started working together. I watched the whole thing, the roller coaster ride, the WS, the lies, the 6 mos. separation, the false recovery, her going to see a lawyer (with him!) for a D, him coming around; and here they are 7 years later doing great. I started to feel about 6 months before I found out about the affair like it wasn't so simple when women found out about A's... to just kick him out. You've got kids, a mortgage, history together... and then boom, it happened to us. God DEFINITELY put her in my life ahead of time... no question about it.

My sister in law is due on Thursday with her first, no contractions yet... you???

MSA

I wish I was having more contractions. I want to meet this little guy. Crazy, but somehow I think I'll get more real sleep once he is here (no indigestion, middle-of-the-night potty trips, etc.) Friday would be ideal, though. We'll see. I go to the doc on Thursday.

I googled the lyrics. I can tell it's a sound-better-when-you-here-it song. A friend bought the new cd--might have to borrow it now.

You are so kind and too funny.
Like I said, I am getting better at it. Like cleaning the new house to sell--I am going to have to ask for help with that--no way I can do that.

Thanks, ladies. I'll check in tomorrow. I think sleep sounds a little appealing right now (that and some fruit cocktail--you know, preggo cravings!)

Good days will come, right?

SUCH a hard evening for me. THe whole day was busy going to realtor, signing more papers, going to Lowes again to get workers more supplies, over to the ex-dream house and dropping off the supplies. (Darn it--it is so hard to see that place. I love it. It was our project. Our first home and we never lived there!)

And tonight WH was finally coming to see the boys. Came an hour late, so got here at 7, and brought them back at 8:40.
They ate at a restaurant and went to one of those blow up play land places. (way too costly for 45 minutes he spent there). He stayed at the house a little while because our 4 yr old asked him to. I cleaned in the other room.

It is so very hard for me to see him on the house, playing with the boys, sitting on the couch, etc. It has been almost 5 months since he left. It was normal to think he should be there, but he left. He said out loud "I love you" and I turned in a normal reaction to say Love you too, but realized (thankfully) he was talking to the boys as he was leaving. Sharp arrow straight to the heart. I felt like a fool.

Do you know how long it has been since I heard those words or felt loved? I'm sorry, I am just having another very, very sad day. And reading hurting's post made me even sadder. I know all marriages aren't saved, and my D is supposed to be final in a month and a few days--nothing I can do about it either. Gotta (not) love no fault states--makes it too easy.

Then he called on his way home and we were talking about the boys, and I said they needed to see him more. He said he didn't want a set schedule--like a certain night a week, etc. Started arguing with me saying I was being difficult. I told him we would all need structure. He wanted to play visitation week by week. This is where a bog problem will lie for us I can tell.
He also got mad at me when I said i might have to put baby in some childcare in August to get another job, because I really couldn't stay here forever at this one. He said that he didn't want that for our children--I said me either, WH. But your actions leave me know choice but to change careers to make us self-sufficient.

He did this! Can he not get that inot his head? He is NOT a victim here. Me and the boys are the ones who had our dreams and plans shattered because he needed "more affection." (aka another woman).

I don't need to get bitter, I don't need to get bitter, I don't need to get bitter...

My mom will be here tomorrow. Maybe that's the boost I need.

You know, I am only a few hours away. Infact, I'll be driving through there next Thursday night. I would love to shake some sense into that man. Darn him.

I'm so sorry you are hurting. Being pregnant sure intensifies feelings, too. I can't imagine. Are you going to breastfeed Elliot? If not, please talk to your doctor about meds- just in case post-partum sneaks up on you. Did you have post partum blues with the other two? I think there might be something you can take and still nurse these days.

I hope your mom is just what you need to get a lift emotionally. How fiesty is your mama? I'd probably have a long 'talk' with my stbxson-in-law if my daughter was in this situation.

I'm praying for you.

Thanks. I don't think sense can be shaken into him--he has to decide that on his own.
I will be BF'ing, and disn't have the baby blues with either of the boys. I am actually usually much more together than this-just with having to deal with the house, too and the upcoming arrival of baby #3 around the corner--it's hurting more now than ever.
My doc knows what is going on, so I am sure she'll check on me in that area when I go to my post-partum visit.

Mom would love to get her hands on him, but he won;t even come to the house when she is here--says I'll either have to meet him somewhere or he won;t visit the boys in the next two weeks.

Please DO NOT meet WH somewhere for visitation!!!

Boundaries!!!

Visitation is not only good for the boys but should be a BREAK for you....driving somewhere will not help you and it will set a precedent for how he wants you to handle future visitations! Tell him now what YOU expect from him regarding visitation, you are in the driver's seat...oh,he'll be angry because that's what WS's do, it's all about them right now!!! Crazy as that might seem, being ready to deliver....but that's what this addiction does to them! Don't let him guilt you into doing it his way!!! If he wants to see ALL of his children badly enough, he will suck it up and come to your home.....don't allow him to hide from his shame....

If you must, get a Dr.'s note....that includes all this running around getting the house ready for sale!!! Let HIM find a way to do it!! Whatever your former role as W was in this relationship is over....he needs to realize that this is another result of HIS actions!

It is not about Punishment! It's about WH's new reality! He must feel it, now!

You are enabling WH's behavior by not allowing him to feel the FULL impact of his choices!!

That is the only thing that worked in my case. We are back together AFTER our Divorce and it is going well. He is back to being the person he was before the A....it can happen!

However, my WXH had to hit bottom....he felt the full impact of what he had done to his life, our life and his children's. He was hit incredibly hard financially in the D....the judge also gave him a stern lecture about abandoning his family....I DID NOT FEEL BADLY after all he had put us through! Several months later, when it was obvious that he had indeed hit bottom (it sure took a long time, 2.5 years!), then and only then did I put out my hand to help him....he was ready....but up until then he was ****** bent on proving that he had made the right choice although it was obvious that it had failed miserably!!! WH's are way too foggy to think straight....it does often take a sledgehammer over the head!

WH was living 2.5 hrs away, out of state, HIS CHOICE to be near OW....Visitation was ONLY allowed in our state and he pissed and moaned about it everytime and he didn't make much effort to come regularly.....besides the kids DID NOT want to travel to his apt.....older ones wanted nothing to do with him....

It is GREAT that your WH does not want to face people.....right now it shows that his concience is bothering him....He is probably having HUGE doubts about his decisions but does NOT know how to rectify it!!

By making it easy for WH right now, you may think it is better for the boys....well maybe in the short-term, but definately not for the long-term. The best thing would be for their father to snap out of it or hit bottom, end his affair and come home....That will not happen unless you set some firm boundaries and let him FEEL fully the extent of his decisions!!

Despite the ****** we went through, my children are far better off with both their parents HOME and working together to raise them! We are healing and you can too!

My thoughts are with you. Hang in there, you're doing great!