I don't know where to start. the past two days dealing with WH have been a whirlwind. And to premise this, there is no good news to be contained in this post, unfortunately. And, no, this isn't going to be a pity party either. I just need to vent.

Yesterday, he came to get the boys. Here is the gist of one of our conversations:
WH: Remember the e-mails I sent you last week about OW and you and us? (the ones he is referring to are about how he might as well be with her since he can't have me, etc.)
ME: uh huh
WH: Well, can you open up your e-mail account and let me see you delete them?
ME: Why?
WH: Because I don't want you to send them to her. See, intexas, I really want this to work with me and her, and I think you are gonna try to everything to see that i have a miserable life.
ME: Sorry, won't do it. But I don't want you to have a miserable life.

So, basically, my husband was asking me not to tell his girlfriend that he was trying to get back with me. Hmmm....

Today. Well, today was horrid so far. I am back at work (right now actually, work 5pm to 7am) and he said he wouldn't bring the older boys back will 7, so I wouldn't have to arrange childcare. At 5:15 he shows up, well rather I see his car stopped in front the house--it has broken down. I knew I was in for it then. (Remember, he is wanting to buy a new car SO badly). He comes in, yelling, angry, etc. His friend is with him--came to see actually, if he can help WH get the mustang working.Luckily, they get it working. While friend is working on the car, WH is telling me to watch the boys--they are annoying him outside as he is working. I say "I can't. I am working, and this is my first week back. you said you'd be here at 7." He was loud, mean, etc. Told me has a life, too. I said "I do too--I call it my family."
So he leaves in the mustang, the other car is here.
Here are some problems that are gonna happen now.
The mustang is a 67--it cannot hold child seats. How will he take the boys? What if he wants my car to do so? I use the time he has the older boys to do errands with the baby. I can't do that if he has my car. Can I suggest he borrow a car from someone else?
He needs a car now. The house has to sell first before he'd qualify for one.
The D is final so soon, too. So close to the D being final, should I treat him any differently? We're talking as early as Feb. 10th--12 days from now I might no longer be married. I don't know what to do. I HATE this. I am overwhelmed, yet again, and I can't cry--I am back at work--on call--always have to be available. I also am dealing with my boss thinking I can't handle this job as a single mom with three small boys. I can. I know it. But if I lose it--well, I'd rather not what if.

Any Bs's out there who got divorced, even though they gave it their all? Any with small kids and need for a major career change? I could use some encouragement if you've been there. Anyone hiring in the central Texas area (he-he)?

Sorry to hear things are so bad for you. Just remember, they usually come back to their families.

Things don't sound too good for your husband. He wanted you to delete the e-mail?

There are lots of folks here who made it through what you are going through. It is hard, but gets much, much better.

By the way, most of the women who got divorced against their will are doing just fine. You'll be okay either way.

You are back to work already? My thoughts and prayers go out to you. No wonder you are stressed, newborn, 2 small boys, fogged out WH, divorce pending. Take one breath at a time.

I would print out those emails he wants you to delete incase he finds a way to get into your email.

No, they all seem to be spiraling down more and more. He is so lost. My mom thinks he's a loser. It's hard to keep hearing that from her. She is insisting I never take him back. Telling "once a cheater, always a cheater" etc. While I liked finally telling her what was going on, i feel like she'd put a big wrench in the recovery--as they BOTH hate each other--even more now.

Yah, he wanted me delete the e-mails from him. I sent them to another account and printed them out. If she evers does soemthing with my kids that I have a prob with, then I will have to hit the send button.


And yes, Confused, I started back today. I couldn't afford to take more time off. This is my vacation time as it is. I work for a non profit, so we don't get paid maternity time whatsoever. I felt physically ready, but dealing with him today was too much. I literally am forcing myself to hold it together until I lock up for the night. I really need to release these emotions and have a good cry. Tears keep coming down, but I am holding them back as well as I can.

Sometimes, I just feel so alone. But I don't even know if I want him here anymore. Maybe if it was genuine I'd feel differently.

(((((intexas)))))
You will survive this. You will be happy. You will be loved and appreciated.

Hey, those are legitimate feelings, but hard to accurately process in the midst of this storm you are in.

I don't have any suggestions you are going to want to hear, but I do wonder why you would NOT send those emails to the OW.

Your marriage is on life support (and you seem to still want it), so IF I WERE YOU I'd exhaust all resources while I had a chance. You cannot argue or negotiate with a terrorist. Your WH coming back to you or not is not going to be ulimtately decided by you placating him now with withholding those emails. I'd send them NOW. What do you have to lose? You said it yourself, the divorce is coming up quickly.

I don not believe in uttering false hope and encouraging denial of REALITY.....but I do understand your need for some support.....I'd support you to do everything you can to end his affair with this OW....because while he still thinks he has a chance with her...YOU DON"T.

Now, I am not telling you what I would do...clearly I could not and would not fight for this man after doing what he has done......But you know what? SO what...that's just me. You gotta do what you have to do. We are not compring apples to apples here. I realize that.

It is a fairy tale if you think your WH is gonna come back groveling and doing all he can do to win you back....THAT RARELY happens. Often, as believer said, they come back to their families after their options dry up and their "fun" ends. They do often come back and yes the Betrayed Spouse has to suck up their pride and take them (WS) back if THEY want to try and recover the marriage. Anyone who tells you differently is drinking the Alien "kool-aid" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> Read it all here.

NOONE is saying that is fair....BUT IT IS REALITY.

Goodluck

Lem

See. LM, I am not taking him back IF I am the only option. I am a smart woman, and I'd know if that were the case. I could have had him back by now--but I am not willing to mess around with someone who might not be committed to me again. AT thi spoint, he still feels it is okay to leave--that is not committment. I hope that makes some sense. I will give it a chance again--but everything would have to fall into the places I'd want it to. Does this mean it might not recover? I know it does. But the history here of him even with the student/e-mails puts me on a different playing ground for what I am willing to deal with. I'd rather have a marriage unrecovered than a H who only wanted me because I was the only option.

Let me explain kind of how I feel about what it would mean for my marriage to recover--and basically, this is all I am holding out for. I have done all the "fighting" i am going to do for the time being. I will continue to pray for him to come back to God, and I will continue to treat him with respect and love. Now it's his turn to change himself and come back to God. Nothing, no more plan A'ing (though that is actually my natural personality--I am very agreeable) is going to fix him and his narcissisitc self. I have enough sense to know I will not be second choice. He has to change--and at this point, rock bottom is where he is headed. While I seem to still want to take care of him, I know he must fall. I beleive in forgiveness and reconciliation--but also know that repentance and "turning" from those wicked ways has to happen first. i believe anyone can be changed and healed and forgiven and used by God. I am not playing any religion card here, either. This is the real me--the me that prayed for my WH every night before I knew he was a WH and not an H. IF all those things happened--repentance, etc. well, then I'd have to give it a go--but like I said--I think I'd know if it was real.

And that second choice thing--well, that is kind of the reason i haven't sent the e-mails. I have already found out of the affair. Already expressed my desire to have a marriage that is in tact. I don't want to be the one at this point (now in the beginning this would have been a gem of a piece of info to have my hands on) to break them up. He needs to do that on his own because HE wants to work on US--no more ME wanting it and me pulling out all the stops.

I am sure to many here this sounds anti-MB. But I have already exposed. I have already not been chosen by him since he continues to be with her. And I do not want to be the catalyst NOW to bring him home because his "options dry up and their [his] "fun" ends." No, he will have to make an effort--without me prodding him along. I hope to all who read this it doesn't seem I have given up. It's not that. I am just at a point where I know if I will ever be resepected again in THIS marriage, then it will be because HE came to his senses and changed. A lot of this behavior is fog, but a lot is just the person he is. That can change. But HE has to want it.

I sure can ramble--don't even know what I am saying here I think. Just wish this wasn't the reality I was living--but don't we all?

It's okay to feel like you do. I decided that I didn't want my WH enough to put up with anything. The couple of times that he was talking about leaving the OW did it for me. I just didn't have any more respect for him. He couldn't be his own man.

IT:

I read your post and believe me girl I get ya...100% dead on. I agree, and I understand.

But you should also know and realize that "hope" and wanting things to "fall in perfect" place for recovery are probably "pipe dreams".

Read the recovery board, read the GQ II board for all of these years. You are kidding yourself if you think that you are gonna sit back and that your WH will "come to his senses" and come out of the fog and that a magical recovery will happen. Even if he does come to his senses "somehow"....this part of the affair is the easy part. Have you read the recovery forum...? those BS who are even 80% recovered are still battling, fighting and putting 100% into recovering their marriages.

Yeah, I hope for you (and your children) that your WH wakes up...it may happen....but it won't be an "A-HA" moment. It won't. I think you will be hoping for a long time here if you still believe that.

Now, let me be frank with you. I would NEVER do even 10% of all that you have done (hence I am divorced--and happily so) BUT I have read enough here and think I know enough to understand alot of the principles and scripts of an affair. I know and understand the feeling of being thought of "second best" or the "back up QB"...yes I understand how you feel. We can all talk about actually being the "chosen one" and being the
1st choice" and find many ways to dress it up and make ourselves feel better if our WS comes back to us....but it is what it is. Don't think for a minute that the reality of that is lost on me. It isn't.

I just make these comments to you NOT because I think that your WH will change or not because I have some faith that divine intervention will intercede and somehow change his heart. I wish it were that easy. It isn't. You know this, so I don't need to tell you this.

Not much else to say to you.

I wish you the best of luck recovering yourself from this.

Lem

Well, I know it probably won't happen. I am not fogged over myself in believing pipe dreams. I know the kind of recovery I am willing to waddle through at this point (I say at this point, b/c when I first told him--me or her--and if he had chosen me--then I'd have been willing to go through much more) has high standards. But that's all I can handle after all of this.

And i can say with cetainty that i will be used by God regardless of where this path leads me.
It's just pretty darn tough as of now. And very overwhelming.
I think I have a lot of mourning yet to do--it's the death of a dream.

It is understandable. I don't think I could have the strength to do what you are doing and top it off with a newborn and going back to work so soon.

I fancy myself (maybe I am delusional...LOL) as an extremely intelligent, hard working, type A, "go getter". I have survived many a rough night to be where I am in life (personally, financially, professionally, and emotionally)....and yet I do NOT KNOW if I could be you and step in your shoes and function to the level you are functioning.

I dunno the true answer to that one.

Give yourself one ****** of a pat on the back, because this is as bad as life can get....and yet your breathing and living and functioning....even if only one minute at a time. What else can you do?

LM <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

[color:"purple"]Revelation 3:7-13
"To the angel of the church in Philadelphia write:
These are the words of him who is holy and true, who holds the key of David. What he opens no one can shut, and what he shuts no one can open. I know your deeds. See, I have placed before you an open door that no one can shut. I know that you have little strength, yet you have kept my word and have not denied my name. I will make those who are of the synagogue of Satan, who claim to be Jews though they are not, but are liars—I will make them come and fall down at your feet and acknowledge that I have loved you. Since you have kept my command to endure patiently, I will also keep you from the hour of trial that is going to come upon the whole world to test those who live on the earth. I am coming soon. Hold on to what you have, so that no one will take your crown. Him who overcomes I will make a pillar in the temple of my God. Never again will he leave it. I will write on him the name of my God and the name of the city of my God, the new Jerusalem, which is coming down out of heaven from my God; and I will also write on him my new name. He who has an ear, let him hear what the Spirit says to the churches.

[/color]
Keep your eye on the prize intexas... ultimately as a Christian, this life isn't about you and your H, it's about you & God, and your H & God... peace.

Thanks, Mrs.S
That is actually what I am doing my best to hold onto. I think it ismore important that my H comes back to God than to anything else. My deepest prayers lie there. It hurts all that is in me to see him down this road, for I know it must be lonely not to be walking with the One who completes you and gives you peace--that is his first love, and that is the love I most desire him coming back to.

I guess I need to remind myself when I get down in the dumps, overwhelmed, and scared about the future as I am now, that He is still gonna see me through. I ahve been faithful through this, and I know he will continue to hold my head up even when I don't have the strength.

My marriage might be over in 12 days, but God will notleave me or my H--and I know that.

Yes, God will not leave you or your H. It is hard to feel that sometimes, to wonder why we have to endure all of this. I wondered, can WH ever be sorry enough for me, can he ever understand what he has really done to me? Then the next morning I woke up and realized it isn't about me. If WH is accountable to God, repentent to God, broken before God, and has a contrite spirit before God, that will certainly be enough for me. It's about WH and God. I am a bystander in THAT relationship. Sometimes I still don't understand all that WH did in the fog, the lies, the justifications, the mistakes, the terrible judgement, the poor choices. It is hard to piece together. On a bad day, I can get feeling that it was all so wrong to me.

It is God's forgiveness, God's unconditional love, God's peace, God's understanding and the remembering that ultimately when this life is over it will be about my relationship with God, not my relationship with H. We are the means to show God to each other. That is God's purpose for our marriage. I hope and pray that your WH comes out of the fog, and claims the grace that is extended to him by God, and from you also, through God.

MSA

Elliot--3 Weeks Old


and more Elliot

(sorry, the pics are small--didn't know how to make them bigger)

Hello everyone. Realized I never got around to sharing a pic of the new baby--so here is Elliot Levi at three weeks old today! The time has flown by!

I just wanted to say to all the pregnant BW's out there--this baby truly helped keep me going--and now, as I am so close to an end I never wanted--he is again helping me to look to the future and stay strong. A child is ALWAYS a blessing! I know it seems overwhelming now--and sometimes it still is with a newborn--but just take it one day at a time. When you hold that new little one...well, you are reminded what love is again...and that feels very nice.

Intexas

p.s. Isn't he beautiful (I mean handsome)?

He is a magnificent fellow! So much like his mom.


(((((InTexas)))))

Intexas,

He is a beautiful little man..... I wish you and him the best.....

I miss those baby days...sigh


Hurting

What an adorable little baby boy. *Sigh*

Take care.

Over a few coffees this morning, I read most of your thread. I have to tell you, I had tears running down my face many times, and esp. at the end, when I read LM's posts, and yours back to him.

You are unbelievably strong, even if you don't feel it always. And, I'd have whisked off those emails/vm's "toute suite" to the OW, and with great glee. But, I totally understand your stance as well.

Your little Elliott is such a blessing (and quite handsome too). I'm so glad that you've got him to hold and coo, and the other little ones to keep love alive in your life.

It hurts me to read what he has done to you and the boys. I can't imagine how much it's hurt you, I just can't. And yet, you remain strong. I am in awe of you.

I will continue to read your story, and no matter what decisions you make for yourself and your family, you deserve support, aiming for the best possible outcome, whatever that may be.

May God bless you and yours.

Janet

intexas!

Beautiful Baby!!

You appear to holding up well under the circumstances and I certainly admire that.
I just read "Texasbeauty"'s thread, could you perhaps pop in and offer some support. She is due this week and I'm sure you can relate to the stress she is under!
Thanks!