It was an okay one. No abuse or anything. His dad was sick since he was 12 with MS, and his sister got pregnant at 15 and 17, so when he was a teenager, he was left to his own doings pretty much since his mom was busy with the sister. He grew up in church, and was very active. His mom is pretty "cold" in the realm of emotions I think. Everything is always about the sister--even to this day.

He says he has always had close women friends, though I know of many of his old guy friends, too.

A lot of people who are serial cheaters have a need to control something from their childhood.

They keep trying over and over again to work through it and have a different outcome. And the weird thing is they usually do it from the security of a marriage. They aren't the type to be alone.

The part about not being alone--that's what he tells me--he can't be alone. Which is why he said he was with the HS girlfriend the day after we weren't speaking and why he is still with current OW and won't leave her until I say he can come back. Silly me--I want him to leave her b/c he actually wants and chooses to be with ME--not just someone.

Believer--how does cheating help them get over something in their childhood--getting a different outcome of what kind?

I am curious because I think this could be him. Does the history I wrote about with the ow's sound like it to you? I don't want to analyze him too much, as I am not trained whatsoever to do so, but I am so needing to at least understand why I am not enough for him. He told me in a text that he just widhed it could be different-that I would have been more--because then our marriage could have worked.

Gosh, I don't know how it works. I just know that it happens. They get married, and then try to work through childhood issues. They need the security of marriage to do it. They can't be alone.

Sometime I'll tell you my WH's story.

Actually it is good that he is telling you about his problems with OW. He is still relying on you to meet some of his needs.

Thanks for taking time to post to me Believer. I swear that all the normal people around me have no clue what I am going through--they really don't. I get tired of the pity looks. HEck, I can't even have a private life at work. My best frind's H left her for another woman a week before my WH left me--but they are already divorced. She could never stand the thought of him again. But at least she understands the pain.

I'd like to hear your story one day. You are always so optimisitc, and i know from what you've posted you've been going at this for some time. I've only been at it six months--but that's a fairly good chunk of our six year marriage (5 1/2 from when he left).

Oh I know he still is relying on me to meet his needs. But it really comes across as disrepectful to me that he would complain to me about his girlfriend--almost like he sees me as a really close friend. I would like to think that most men wouldn't dare (even when exposed) complain about the OW maybe leaving them. Hello, WH--you left your wife first.

Yep, but they don't get that. A normal man would realize that it is a big NO-NO to complain about his OW to his wife. But it is very common here that they do it. We hear it all of the time.

His fantasy is showing a weak spot.

okay--my honest thoughts this V-day.

At first, I was about to have my own pity-party, but then it hit me--he never made Valentines's Day special. Really, I don't have a single memory of our 6 V-day's together. Not a single one. So that made me feel better in a weird way. made me wonder what one day it will feel like to have someone (could be WH if he ever becomes nomn-narcissisitic, repentive, and OW-less..it could happen, right? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> treat me well.

And then I had a pity-party moment because the small group I go to from Church is playing the newlywed game for fun with the whole group. it hit me--I am now the only one without a spouse (so to say). I can;t go b/c of work--but darn it, I want to be included, too.

(okay, pity party over.)

But, I did get a laugh of sorts today.

WH called to tell me he wouldn't have the boys overnight, and see them only on Sunday. (side note--he is seeing them less and less and calling less--is this a really bad sign? My heart aches for those kiddos and that new little one he's seen all of five hours his whole life) He ended the conversation with:

For what it's worth, INTEXAS, happy valentines day.

Yup. He had the nerve. He has a new "valentine" he's getting flowers for and he tells me Happy v-day. Nothing more. Nothing mushy.

But "for what it's worth???????"

I wanted to say it's not worth anything when you've abandoned us and are with another. I wanted to get angry--and I haven't yet. And I still didn't.

Someone tell me WHY I cannot get angry with this man? He has done nothing but hurt me, (except for the two times he;'s been nice--once when he took out the trash, and another when he brought me a black-cherry vanilla diet coke and chocolate chex mix to try--ooohhh!) and I cannot get mad. Just hurt.

Isn't anger part of this?

Think I should drive to the school and see them together? Will that help me get angry?

Intexas,
I did not read your whole thread, bits and peices, but anger came to me on friday....month 9, and FWH is with me...so I dont know if it works with WHs
JE

your not getting angry yet because its not safe....fear of pushing him away. if you reconcile it will come.....lol. when the safety is returned it will come....we all go through it.

Hmmm..on the not safe idea. I have thought about this today and agree. But what is getting me is that this is how I have always been with him.

A question for any takers. Feel free to use your own sitches as examples....

Do you think the longer you're at this (six months for me) the harder it is to remember the good times?

since six months into my marriage, my mom has been commenting on how it seems I have lost my joy. She has always inducated that this had a lot to do with my H.

I've been doing more thinking (you know i'm awake all the time with this newborn so i have more hours to do that) and I can see what she's talking about--feel like I've lost that intexas pep that was there before. I was always (especially when around her) on edge b/c I never knew if he was gonna choose to be nice that day around her, or if i'd have to cover for him. he would be rude to me in front of her--like he was trying to get an edge out of her--knowing full well how anxious that made me.

once, on the way back from visiting them in Ohio (all our contact is visits out of town), I took a wrong turn on some interstate and he literally berated me and yelled at me and asked me what I was good for for the remaining 12 hours we had left of the drive. He apologized--said it was because of allthe tension with my parents that he lost his temper.

I don't know why I am writing that story. It's just that those are the times I am remebering-not the good ones.

Have I been living a lie for so long? Anyone been there?

My Elliot is five weeks old today, and WH has seen him all of 5 hours. Is this b/c of the state he is on, or is it b/c of just who he is becoming?

Thanks for letting me ramble...

intexas

HEY Tex -

How did the scrpabook turn out? I was an avid scrapper, was a consultant for 8 years and LOVED it. The personla scrapping has been tough - I haven't scrapped a page in 2 years now. And I quit the business 1.5 years ago so I could spend more time with WH.

I've been invited to a weekend Crop in April - maybe I'll hjave a enough emotional fortitude to go. Always afraid that there will be more tear stains than journaling on my pages.

Jan

Hi all. I haven't posted on my thread lately. But wanted to post this song. It's where I am at right now in this storm.

I know it's over now. And I am just thankful that i can sing this song and still say "amen."



There's another song on the same alblum--think WS when you hear it.


This one gives me hope for my WH--I want my WH to come back to God more than anything. Not for me--I'm finally okay with that--But for my boys and for him.

funny thing Intexas...my xh?

when he first moved in with family values, shacking up...I once asked him..."HOW CAN YOU DO THIS"???

His response: aw come on peach...YOU KNOW I CAN'T BE ALONE.

I said...so that's it?

him...this is me.

peach--

Heard that, too. And I think he means it--no fog there.

very, very sad.

Gotta be honest here. Not doing well tonight.

It's Wh. It's my boys. And it's my dad--all the men in my life (since that's what I am surrounded by).

WH--E-mailed me today. He has another cert. Exam on the 11th--if he doeesn't pass--he can no longer teach. Bottom line--I can't see him passing. He got a 28 last time. Yup--a 28! He asked if I knew of a job that could pay child support, a car note, and a place to live. Then he called and said he had to study--won't be getting the boys this weekend. Started crying and said tell them I love them.

My boys--My oldest, Ben, has been crying all week for daddy to hold him. I went in the room today--and both of the older ones (4 and 2) were on the bed, holding the pic they have of the three of them and were crying together--we want daddy to hold us--we miss daddy, etc. And now I have to tell them daddy is not coming again.

My dad--is very sick, and might have cancer. He has hepatitis, and it has gone to his liver. Please pray for him.

Help me here people. I am feeling so overwhelmed at the moment--and I HAVE to be "together" all the time. Like right now--I want to curl into a ball and cry. But I am at work, and the baby will need to be nursed soon. I am not depressed--I'm just in need of a break--physically, mentally-and literally--something has to break for me sometime soon.

What do I do about WH? I know it is his fault. He made these choices. How do I distance myself from him right now??? He will blame me for this--I know it. Even though he is the one who has had three years to pass these tests and study and take refresher courses--and he has not--he will blame me. Cry out the whole "oh woe is me" smeal. I can't fix it for him anymore. And I feel helpless. I can ignore most of the stuff he does--but this is just drawing him one step deeper into this rut he's in-and to be honest--I am afraid he will own true to all his threats about wanting to run away or just die. He's got me entagled in this mind/guilt trap. HELP!

And my boys? What do you tell such young little men? My WH has been coming less and less--always something. And while some of the reasons seem justifiable--there is always a way to see your kids. He says he can't come b/c of the car. So I drive them to see him (80 miles round trip). I need real advice here. I hate to see them affected like this. And that baby--he hasn't spent any time with him since like the 11th of february. And never asks about him. Ever.

Sorry to gripe--I just need some support, advice, anything.

(((intexas)))

I am sorry you are stuggling tonight. Here's my advice: think of what you CAN affect and concentrate on that.

Your WH's test in not your problem. IF he flunks and can't work, THEN it may affect you. But maybe you can say that he is purposely underemployed and they will calculate his CS based on what he should be making. So when he is dumping on you, just think to yourself "must stink to be you" and let him go.

I am so sorry to hear of your father's illness. I will keep him in my prayers. Just pray, that is really all you can do right now.

For your sons ((Hug to the boys)), I know how hard this is. Maybe, since they are so little, you can pile them all up in the bed with you, put in a great kid movie, and just have a snuggle fest for a little while. Encourage the older ones to draw pictures for daddy. I bought a cheapo tape recorder and have the girls make tapes when they are feeling bad.

You and the boys are the only thing that you can affect right now. Take it easy, try to get some rest. Let some of the little stuff go. I have spent alot of time just laying around with my daughters. They love the snuggly time and it gives me a chance to just focus on what is really up to me.

((((intexas)))))
Take a deep breath, again. I love the idea of the boys making a tape for their dad. It would be even better if he would make one for them. My kids made a tape for their cousins reading books. Then we gave the tapes and books as a gift. They listen to the tapes and read along over and over.
Hug your babies...give them YOUR calm, YOUR strength and you will get more in return.
I'll add your dad to my prayers.
It sounds like WH is hitting rock bottom...this may be a blessing in disguise. He is kind of young for mid-life crisis. Have you checked out that thread by milkshake? Its a real eye opener!

Have a peaceful night.

love the little ones. hug them. tell them that their FATHER IN HEAVEN loves them so much....pray with them.

my ds feels secure now...it has taken a long while...he knows his dad loves him his way..and that i love him 100 percent...and that god loves him always constantly. and he is safe and secure with that.

i will pray for your dad. see if his doc can do a liver/spleen nuclear medicine study on him to see how liver is affected. lesions can show up as can effects of cirrhosis and other problems in the study. very easy to. simple iv shot. no reactions to it.

i buried my father nine months after having my ds...and then one year later, buried my grandma and found out that same week my xh had his first affair...it is sometimes almost too hard to bear life...but that is when we relinquish that pain and realize that we have to let GOD CARRY US thru this and ask for our friends to pray.

praying for you my friend. prayer for peace, for healing for the boys and for your dad and for YOU and for your ws. he's so lost hon. but he has to come to terms with the why he is so lost and so hurt. if he were living the right kinda life, this man would not be crying over phone about not being able to see his boys.

i see this affair ending.

why? the vet cannot even with all the cute puppies or kitties in the world compete with a man and his adorable children and a wife. you're permanent. they are permanent.

this is gonna crumble. i feel it. i pray it happens within a workable time frame for YOU and that you're able to heal....

i see it ending either way...if you d, it will end...or if you don't it will end...and you will be one deciding if this marriage will reconcile or not. it will be up to you in the end i feel.

This was after him calling me and telling me he can't see the boys over Spring Break (well, just for one day) because he and OW have plans already.

I hate this e-mail. It's a bunch of bull. It's just saying that I have it easy. It will be hard for him. And that "despite our differences" junk--we did not fight. I was too appeasing to fight. What he means by that is despite my lack of acceptance to his female friendships.

ugh. ugh. ugh.

He is saying this to make himself feel better. This was no way and is no way to treat a "best friend." I was more than that--a wife.

Darn it people.

And what about this doozie he wrote to me earlier in the day in reference to the bills after the D is final:


He expects me to still pay the bills for him as long as he gives me the money. I don;t think I should. He should have to take care of those things himself then.

Here is where I am at. I don't like being here. I am at a place where I am tired of it all. Where I know the D is here. (any day I think). But then there is the what-iffer in me that is asking myself that IF he ever wanted to come back WHEN he was TRULY repentent, would I want him back then?

See, I am scared thinking of him home now. And I feel guilty for maybe not wanting him here after all that time.