Writing this is tough, but it helps me to organize my thoughts. I apologize for it’s length, but I’m covering a span of eleven years.

My wife and I met via the 'net in 1995, when I was 37 and she 32, and since neither of us was interested in an "online relationship", we agreed to meet for dinner after a short time. I was immediately impressed with how considerate she was; when she found that the restaurant where we’d been planning to meet was at least twice as far for me as for her, she insisted that we change our plans to “meet in the middle”.

I had had nothing but bad luck with women since the end of my seven-year marriage in 1989, and was really looking forward to meeting this woman, who seemed friendly, smart and considerate. There was a moment of disappointment when I first saw her --- although she had a pretty face, she was more than a little overweight. No, let me restate that. She was fat. Not hugely fat, but way more than just chunky. Think five foot seven, and maybe 250 pounds. I resolved to be polite, hid my disappointment, and we sat down to dinner.

We had a great time. Great conversation … lots to talk about … didn’t spend the whole night talking about my ex … went home a bit confused, but I did have a good time.

So we started “dating”. I really did not find her that attractive, but I sure did like her a lot. Eventually, she initiated sex. It was strange to me … I’ve always been the kind that never had enough, and was always wanting more even when I simply couldn’t do it another time … but not with her. I had never made love to a fat woman before, and I have to say, I didn’t like it. I’d collected my share of accolades from previous lovers, and considered myself to be pretty good in bed, but with her I was lousy; the fat was simply very off-putting. (Sadly even that hasn’t changed … I can’t even claim to be as good once as I ever was … unless maybe I tried with someone else)

Before you ask, I’m no Adonis myself, at that point carrying about an extra 20 pounds or so.

After several months, I decided that I couldn’t stand it, and resolved to break up with her. In an extremely odd circumstance, another gal literally threw herself at me, and that clinched it … I was outta there.

Then we talked on the phone. She told me that for all of her life, she’d been denied passion, because of her weight, and I felt absolutely rotten --- I wanted to protect her from being hurt, and I realized that I really did love her. She said she’d lose weight; I said I’d be more open with her about my feelings. This was in September.

To be fair, I should relate that she did say that she’d never be thin …

By the way, I’m no fan of stick-thin women. That is NOT the issue here. I think my wife would look pretty damned good at one-sixty or so. I’d surely love the chance to find out for sure!

She lost weight, got down to maybe 185. It was still out of my “comfort zone” … no, let’s be honest … it was way out of my “lust zone”, but things were at least much improved. While I hadn’t forgotten what she’d said, I figured that actions spoke louder than words, and in mid-April I proposed, and she accepted.

By the time the wedding rolled around in the first week of August, she was back up to 205 or so, and I was not feeling too cheerful. It wasn’t too long before she’d put on even another 20 pounds more.

After some period of time … I really don’t remember … I just stopped initiating sex. She caught on, and didn’t initiate either. Eventually we talked about it, and I told her that I had a problem with her weight … we started on weight watchers together, but didn’t stick with it.

I even went to the absurd length of asking my doctor about “reduced sexual desire”, since I had promised her I would do so, when I knew all along that the problem was simple … “Hey, my wife’s fat, and I find that extremely unattractive.”

But you know, you’re not supposed to feel that way, right? It’s shallow, and it’s mean, and unkind, and a whole host of other unpleasant names.

So another year goes by. Finally, in desperation, I try to find a way to tell her, a way so unambiguous and exact that it won’t trigger anything but the response that I’m after. For days I struggled to come up with the right words. Finally, I had them. And to this day, I still feel that I did a perfect job. Here it is:

I NEED YOU TO LOSE WEIGHT.

I made it clear that it was my need, not hers, that it was a need, not just a desire, and that it was her action that was required.

I think she started another diet, but with little success.

So in these past 9 ½ years of marriage, we’ve had way more than our share of “dry spells”, some lasting almost two years at a time, and always by my choice. It drives me crazy, since I don’t lack for libido, but I can’t look at all her fat without thinking “yuck”! It’s bad enough with clothes on; when she takes them off, I simply look anywhere but in her direction, and grit my teeth, and wonder how long I can live this way.

And the longer it goes on, the more anger and resentment I feel. I used to feel a lot of guilt too, but no more. Her problem stems from the food she puts in her mouth, the choices she makes, and the fact that she does little to no physical activity.

At this point, I’m pretty well withdrawn. There’s not much chance of me meeting her needs for affection or romance or much beyond ordinary civility when my top two needs are utterly and completely unmet --- and entirely under her control. I do try to be as affectionate as I can, or at least I have tried, but romance is totally out of the question. For me, and I suspect for all men, desire is a necessary precursor to romance, and there is no desire left. If anything, I feel revulsion.

Were it not for this issue, we’d have a close to perfect marriage … heck, that’s why I’m still around. She’s one of the smartest women I’ve known, she’s talented and also one of the most reasonable women I’ve ever met. As well, I feel strongly about keeping my word, no matter what. And after having been through one, I have NO desire to ever go through another divorce. And we have a beautiful five year old son, and I have no wish to shatter his world, the way mine was broken when I was six by my parent’s divorce.

On the other hand, with our tenth anniversary only eight months away, the thought of another ten years of this misery leaves me shaken, and wishing that I could just shoot myself (I would never do that to my son, so do not worry, but it sure seems like the only thing I have any real control over in this situation!).

So what should I do? I just got HNHN (there --- I did it, I ABBREVIATED! Happy?) and read the applicable chapters. I’m leaning toward underlining the good parts in red and handing it to her, and telling her, “Your choice.”

I know she’s aware that I’m unhappy (how could she miss that?) but I don’t know if she appreciates just how close to the breaking point things are.

I want her to DO something about it, not talk about it, or “try” to do something.

I’ve had it. Something’s gotta give soon.

There were some wonderfully articulate posts recently (hopefully someone more awake will point them out -- I'm nodding off into my keyboard) about how the approaches you're using are the OPPOSITE of what will help your wife lose weight.

I can't help noticing you're applying the MB concept selectively in your favor. That's guaranteed to make things worse. The first step in MB is to eliminate your own LBs, and from the looks of it you need the book Love Busters, since you're doing things it clearly tells you not to do, such as attempting to "educate" your spouse with tactics like underlining things in a book and handing it to her.

I know you're thinking that if your wife would just see the issue your way everything would be ok. But that's also the definition of every Love Buster in a nutshell. That attitude is creating your own misery, anger, and resentment. Let's repeat that, because it's critical to whatever future you have, with or without your wife: Resentment is something YOU create in yourself, all by yourself. It does not come from outside.

There isn't going to be the quick fix make-your-wife-see-things-the-way-you-want-magic-bullet that you're looking for.

I hear you about being tired --- I'm not sure I'm coherent at this point either .... but .... some thoughts ...

I haven't tried anything yet, at least not with HNHN, nor anything else in the last eight months or so.

I can't "help" her lose weight. She needs to do that, or not do that for herself. I'd like to convince her it's worth it, and at this point the reality is that ten years is all I can take; so there's a lot at stake.

I am not the reason she's fat, and it's simply not under my control. This does not fit quite so neatly into the "meet her needs and she'll naturally be inclined to meet yours" model ... at least it seems to me that the long-term effort it takes to lose weight and keep it off makes this much, much harder for her, than whatever it would take to deal with just about any other type of "unmet needs" problem. No matter how wonderfully lovable I act, no matter how happy she is, nor how well I meet her emotional needs, she's still going to tip the scales at 260.

My feelings about fat aren't really under my control either --- I've tried hard to deny them and make them go away; no dice.

And I certainly don't expect a quick fix --- even in a perfect world it takes a long time to lose 100lbs.

But what I do have to get from her, as a starting point, is an acknowledgement of my need for her to be attractive to me, and of the validity of that need. If she can't or won't "get" that, then I see no hope.

This keeps reminding me of a recent thread we had on spouses who smoke. A poster wanted to know how to get her husband to quit smoking. The answer of course is that there's no way to get anyone to do any such thing.

I said I couldn't answer that one because I would never try to get a spouse to quit smoking -- I'd toss him out the door the first time he lit up. I would, too. No anger, recriminations, or resentment, just the plain simple fact that I will not even try to live with that, plus that I'm terribly sorry he's struggling with such an ugly problem and I hope he's going to be ok.

Another poster chimed in with how she had worked with her smoking husband to find an incentive that would make him happy about the effort of quitting smoking. They found one and she got it for him. Both were happy with the deal.

If I were dealing with an overweight spouse, that latter approach is what I'd go for. It's true you can't help her lose weight or do any of it for her. But you can negotiate ways to deal with the challenges she faces getting that done to find options you're both happy with. Are you willing to learn to cook special meals for her that are both tasty and fit a healthy diet plan that works for her? Are you willing to take up whatever form of exercise she finds fun with her if that makes it more fun for her? There are lots of options.

Whatever you do, simply taking the approach of she's just going to have to do this or else pretty much guarantees you failure.

OH.......MY.........LORD. Look Im sorry to hear about this situation, it is a sad one. All I can say is that although your post did seem to have a lot of thought in it, the theme that seemed to come through was that you are trying to do 'the right thing' by staying in this situation. I really believe you are doing her no favour by stayting when you feel this way. You do point out that neither of your needs are being met. At the risk of causing great controversy, I believ that you are ok to let her know how you feel but should nevfer 'expect another human to change for your needs. This is something that she will do when and if she is ready. ie any pressure from you is likely to push her the opposite way I think.
So I can see that you are able to point out the many ways YOU feel ripped off, so may I be so bold as to point out the ways in which you staying hurts her?
1) She deserves a man who is attracted to her
2) Perhaps she is happy with herself and her attempts to loose weight have been to appease you.
3) Is it possible that this is an issue of control and that by being free of your hudgements she may feel more in control of her own life.
These are just some of my ideas. take thewm or leave them, my personal experience has no doubt impacted on my interprtation of this problem. (you may refer to my previous posts where my h had issues with my body but not weight). It has only been after extensive counseling that I have come to understand the way in which issues around attraction are seldom what they seem. Often they mask deeper issues. this may or may not be the case.
Honestly, I dont know if the relationship can be saved. Personally I wouldnt want to be with a man who felt like you do about me. Even if I lost the weight I would be outta there, but maybe she sees it differently.
I dont know if the following is true or not but In our counselors words 'True attraction comes from the love of another, their physical appearance could be grotesque but if a man really loves her he will become aroused.'
I guess this is one of the reasons I cant believe the whole importance of how my partner looks business (usually men compaining about w). I mean look around, Ive seen some pretty 'unconventail looking' people who's partners are incredibly turned on by them. Im sure there plenty of men out there who would feel that way about your w if given the chance.....Maybe you should free yourself of your own misery and give them and her a chance...
Sorry, hope I didnt seem to blunt but I really feel that someone has to offere a different perspective to the backup you will receive from a society that sees womans bodies as commodities to be shaped and rated and not as whole people. Hope it works out for you all

Miserable hubby, I'm relatively new as well, and it may not be my place to say so, but, "welcome aboard".....Also, misery loves company. You seem exceptionally articulate, logical, and intelligent, but trust me, that will be little defense in the face of those on this board who will run you down for daring to suggest that your wife lose the weight.
"You are LB'ing, etc.. Well, call it what you will, but most of the well-wishing men are in rock-my-world marraiges with gorgeous size 6's, while they condesendingly chastise you. That doesn't make your need go away. IT IS very much legitamized by Dr. Harley in his book. (Which, when I read it first in 1996, I had to shout out loud, "Finally, someone who understands me!!!)You do have to be mindful, however, that you cannot pick and choose which MB concepts to apply...I.E....not just those to be assigned to her.

I've suffered in a similar situation for the last 15 of my 21 year marraige. Ther are no easy answers,..you just have to come up with ways to cope. There is no way outsiders can comprehend the hunger we share, especially not women, for very few have a need for an AS.
The overweight wife usually has little or no inclination to change, since "all seems well" to her...She won't miss the SF to the degree that we do, and most all of HER needs are being met, so where is the incentive to clean up her act??
To make matters worse, on occasions when she does lose some weight, you have to compliment her, and she will enjoy comments from others....To us men, logic says that should encourage her to continue, but often she says to herself, "I've arrived....Praise the Lord and pass the chocolate chip cookies!!!"
I wish you well, my friend.....This should be an interesting exchange to watch....I hope you've got you're armor on, because trust me, it's coming.

Hoesntly Chapter8 how many more assumptions can you put in one post.....(*my challenge to you lol)

first you assume that there is no way outsiders can comprehend your humger ......lol...can you possibly understand others and their hungers???we ALL have different experinces in ,life and the fact that I amn not a man compalining about how much the scales read when my partner steps on them doesnt make my contribution any less valuable,. Perhaps, the very fact that I am in a headspace differnt to your makes it possible for me to see another perspective ...
Secondly you make assumptions about 'the overweight wife' as if they are mass produced products all with the same attributes.
Then you have the audacity to complain about giving compliments...oh my..,

I'll tell you what.....with an attitude like tyhat you should be GRATEFUL any woman would put up with you...fat or thin

Furthermore chapetr 8 , you seek to unite yourself in the battle against fat wives....lol.....honestly have you watched the newqs lately, have you looked around....stop worrying about someone else body and if you dont like it be a man and say this is what I want (notice my use of the word want not need) and if she decides not to give that to you (her right) then be true to youself and leave...How dare people expect from others what they are not prepared to give themselves...I really hope you men share your post with your w. (and if so I bet I know who's not getting any tonight)

Miserable hubby,

I am a woman and I do understand what you are saying and feeling. My H and I have an almost identical story. We met online. I was overweight. He loved and married me despite a lack of attraction. I did lose weight but then had a foot injury which pretty much ruled out excersize. I maintained my weight and then gained after surgery when I was immobile for months. Add to that serious marital problems and severe depression. Losing weight became a real hurdle and one which I failed miserably at. I now weigh the same as when we met.

Is my H attracted to me? Nope. He loves me but there is no attraction. I understand that. He doens't say it but it's a case of actions speaking louder than words and words that don't exist. It's pretty dang obvious since we rarely RARELY have had sex in our almost 5 year marriage. He doesn't look at me in 'that way', doesn't touch me in romantic or sexual ways and doesn't talk about sex at all.

Now, when we met we had an amazing sex life (best lover I ever had) and that lasted right up to the "I do's". Then it went away. We had alot of issues besides SF. Things are better with us now but not regarding SF. I accept my role in that. At the same time I feel duped. He wasn't honest with himself or me. I lost out on a sexlife and the desire of my H. He wanted to 'do the right thing' and not be petty etc etc, just like you BUT in doing that he's hurt me more than if he would have just been honest in the beginning. I have lost alot in this exchange. I have had to endure a M without SF and physical touch. Just now things are getting better with affection but there were scars that took time to heal and so much was lost.

Again, I do understand my H and your sich. I also want you to understand your W a little. You can't make her lose weight but you CAN help her. You can start by eliminating LB's. All of them. If you are LBing in your M then you have no business asking change of your W. You have to go first. Yes, that sucks but that's the reality. You are here and you have control over YOU. (I recommend the LB book).

Second, once you've eliminated LB's then you can start to make sure you are meeting her needs. Especially the top 3. Again, you can't ask someone to change if you are not willing to.

Once you have eliminated LB's and are meeting her needs THEN you can use Radical honesty to let your W know where you are at regarding her weight. You can do that in a non-judgemental, non-LBing, respectful way. You'll need some time to figure out how to do that. What I have found out is that H is very happy when I eat right and get some exersize. He doesn't expect me to lose all the weight right now but the effort is what makes him happy.

When you have been RH with your W on how this need is not being met and how you are feeling about it then you can use the POJA. This is where you can really help your W. Find out what her thoughts are and really listen. Find out what would work for her to lose weight and then be a support. Eat and exersize with her and encourage her when you hit the rough patches. Praise her for EVERY good thing. When you notice she's lost a pound, when she shows some effort towards exersize.

One thing you have to realize is that YOU made a choice. You dated and then married a woman who was overweight. You knew she had weight issues. She told you she would never be thin. She did say she wanted to lose weight and that's the only thing you have going for you in this whole mess IF you want to play a power game.

Have you thought about how your W feels? Did you have a good sex life before marriage? Did you pretend to find her attractive for a period? My H did. If he hadn't I wouldn't have married him. I miss SF. I long for that touch of my H. I don't want anyone else but he doesn't want me. No matter what my body looks like I still am a woman inside with needs and desire and a longing for the tough of my husband. To know he isn't attractive to me, no matter how much I understand it, HURTS. It causes me great sadness. That can become a circle of pain. A person can easily give up when faced with that kind of knowledge. It breeds depression and it's near impossible to lose weight when you are depressed.

Being that your W has struggled with weight have you looked deep to see if there is a reason? Depression, FOO (Family of Origin- childhood issues), health reasons? There are MANY causes of weight issues. I know for me when I am happy I lose weight really easily. I feel good so exersize is easy and fun. I don't crave crappy foods or sugar and I eat in a healthy way. When I am unhappy it's a real struggle. Knowing you find her unattractive and missing the affection and admiration from you could easy put your W in a place where it is emotionally near impossible to lose weight.

Many woman emotionally overeat. It's a way to stuff problems, depression and general unhappiness. It's as serious an addiction as drugs and alcohol. We HAVE to eat to survive and food is around us all the time. We can't just stear clear of it like you can with many addictions.

Bottom line is you made a choice when you married your W. You martyred yourself thinking you were doing 'The right thing' and you do have to accept some blame and responsibility in where you are now. BUT there is also alot you can do to make things better if you choose to. You can play the blame game and put it all on her. You can say you WONT until she DOES. You can continue being resentful. In the end you will lose. OR you can make changes yourself and do all you can to make the environment she needs to lose weight, be honest with her about how it affects you and then POJA something that works for both of you. If none of that works then stop martyring yourself and move on. You both deserve better than an empty M. But don't do that until you have done ALL you CAN so you can walk away knowing you tried.

Symphony

Chapter 8,

Good grief man. Your post read like those of a very bitter man. You really want to live like that? Are you a martyr or a good husband? If you express your resentment, bitterness and wallowing in your M as you do here I have no doubt you are in a very unhappy M and I would venture to guess your W is equally unhappy.

As for the opinions of members here, there is quite a variety of people and if you want to believe the chastizing opinions come from those who are married to gorgeous size 6 woman you are pretty off-base. There are many ideas and angles to the issues we face on this board and those come from different experiences of different people. There are some who oppose the need for AS (for many different reasons) and those who agree with it. I personally agree with it and I am an overweight woman.

Please stop stereo-typing woman. The last thread on this subject you made a comment:



One of the worst stereo-types I have ever seen on these boards and you continue on with your chocolate chip cookie theory.

Chapter, you are new here. You don't have many posts and the times you have posted have been about weight issues. I don't want to thread jack so encourage you to post a thread and tell us your story. Let us know your frustrations and what MB principles you have used. I'd be interested to know more about you and your M. I too have had to "cope" in an unhappy marriage but with the help of MB and alot of good people here I have found ways in which I could change. Ways to hone my communication and attitude. It was tough BUT it has brought real change in my M. H and I are doing much better now. He's changed quite a bit but I went first.



And this is the smartest thing I have heard you say. (that includes LB's and disrepectful judgements right? Maybe you want to practice that a bit here in your posts huh? Just a thought.)

Symphony

being a little overweight myself I understand both sides. All you can do is be there for her and talk to her. Be very open with her about how you feel but be supportive at the same time. Do little things to encourage her like ask her to go for a walk with you or ask her to go bike riding with you, just try to do active things with her which is spending time with her but still exercise at the same time. well that is what i would like my husband to do with me to support me anyway hope it helps

I agree lostlove, having my husband offer to do things with me ie:exercise, walk, ride bikes, etc. would really help me want to be doing it.

I also am a little overweight. I had lost a lot of weight and looked awesome when my husband had an affair. I gained back after d-day due to stress. His OW was not as thin as I was. Go figure.

My DH does have AS as a top need. However, for him the weight is not so much the issue as the way I dress, makeup, nails done, jewelry worn, etc. Being a little overweight makes it harder to dress, but I do work hard to find things that are flattering.

You said you read the applicable chapters, they are all applicable. Read them all to see how they work together.

Maybe approach it in a way that you want to work on your relationship. Show her you got the book, ask her to read it with you, work through the questions. Maybe you will see where you need to meet her needs and she will see how to meet yours. Maybe she overeats to compensate for things she feels that are lacking in your relatioship. She may be very happy to go through the book with you.

I saw a program once about the Mamas and the Papas. Cass Elliot was in love with one of the other members of the group (sorry I forget which.) He rejected her because of her weight. They interviewed him (many years after her death) about the situation and he cried saying how stupid and shallow he was. He said she was a wonderful person but he couldn't get past the weight. He deeply regretted his actions as he lost out on a loving relationship and broke her heart.

I would have more sympathy for you if she were not over weight before you married her. This is a problem that you both will need to solve together. Be open and honest with her as you've done here. Don't make this out to be her fault as much as it is a lack of character on your part..because Miserable, deep within you, you know that's true.

Encourage her and work with her. Ask her what about you is a turn off for her and work on that situation as well. As my Dad always said when you point a finger at another there are 3 pointed back at yourself. I hope you don't end up like the singer mentioned above and even more miserable because of what you missed and the pain you caused. Tread softly.

Sorry but this one struck a nerve and I know I should bite my tongue but can't this time.

YOU knew she was heavy when you met her...and YOU decided to marry her anyways. Now YOUR going to complain about it?? Do HER a favor and get out. She can do alot better than you! She may be heavy and can lose the weight but you'll always be shallow bitter man.

Alluring I wouldn't say that those that have a high emotional need for physical attractiveness are shallow.

Now I agree that the timing for complaining was off but Dr. Harley does mention that physical attractiveness is can be high need. He's not shallow in my opinion.

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I resolved to be polite, hid my disappointment, and we sat down to dinner.

So, you were dishonest with yourself and instead of having dinner (to be polite) and then never seeing her again, you chose to continue the relationship.

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I had never made love to a fat woman before, and I have to say, I didn’t like it. I’d collected my share of accolades from previous lovers, and considered myself to be pretty good in bed, but with her I was lousy; the fat was simply very off-putting.

So, you were dishonest with her and chose to continue seeing her, knowing that the sex wasn't good and you weren't attracted to her.

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She told me that for all of her life, she’d been denied passion, because of her weight, and I felt absolutely rotten --- I wanted to protect her from being hurt, and I realized that I really did love her.

She was being HONEST with you, but again, you were dishonest about your feelings and you convinced yourself that because you were feeling ROTTEN about your previous DISHONEST actions, that you actually LOVED her. BUZZZZ--WRONG! That's not love--that's pity.

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She lost weight, got down to maybe 185. It was still out of my “comfort zone” … no, let’s be honest … it was way out of my “lust zone”, but things were at least much improved.

You're HONEST with US now, but again, you were DISHONEST with your GF and proposed to her, KNOWING that you weren't attracted to her.

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But you know, you’re not supposed to feel that way, right? It’s shallow, and it’s mean, and unkind, and a whole host of other unpleasant names.

Buzzz....WRONG!

It's ok to be unattracted to someone...it's SHALLOW, MEAN and UNKIND to marry a woman that you're to which you are not attracted and expect HER to change.

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There’s not much chance of me meeting her needs for affection or romance or much beyond ordinary civility when my top two needs are utterly and completely unmet --- and entirely under her control. I do try to be as affectionate as I can, or at least I have tried, but romance is totally out of the question. For me, and I suspect for all men, desire is a necessary precursor to romance, and there is no desire left. If anything, I feel revulsion.

You do realize that she will resist losing weight as long as you're not willing to meet her half way when it comes to EN's, right? If she's an emotional eater and she's unhappy, she'll never lose weight...

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And we have a beautiful five year old son, and I have no wish to shatter his world, the way mine was broken when I was six by my parent’s divorce.

After all the dishonesty you brought into this relationship, you chose to bring a CHILD into it, too??? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

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I know she’s aware that I’m unhappy (how could she miss that?) but I don’t know if she appreciates just how close to the breaking point things are.

WELL...WELL....WELL....let me understand this...you LIE to her throughout your dating period, propose to her, have a child, tell her it's "her choice" and then expect her to single-handedly repair this relationship by losing weight?

It's bloody DIFFICULT to lose weight. Most people have to have complete SUPPORT from their partner and generally, no one can lose weight successfully if they're doing it for anyone other than THEMSELF. Is this all about your desires or have you told your wife that it's important for her to do this for her HEALTH? Good grief, man! If you were my Husband, I'd ask you to leave--no one needs this kind of pressure!

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I want her to DO something about it, not talk about it, or “try” to do something.

Have you considered HER needs? All I hear throughout this post is YOU, YOU, YOU. Have you considered that there ARE men out there that would accept your Wife, just the way she is? YOU married her FAT. YOU had the choice to DO SOMETHING and you CHOSE not to! Why is it up to HER to fix this mess that YOU made???? Do you realize that the need for attractive spouse is generally directed toward people who drastically CHANGE their appearance AFTER marriage? I'm sorry buddy--this doesn't apply to you. YOU married her...YOU misrepresented your feelings...Now YOU can fix the problem!

Movefoward has it right.

Just a question here...was she sexually abused as a child or was she ever a rape victim? There may be more to the weight gain than just the simple cause. What was going on in her life when she first started to gain the weight? Is she a compulsive eater? She may need a psych evaluation. Just a thought. One can always get bipass surgery, she could die from it, but I'd be interested in what happened when she started to eat.

High need for some yes...but he knew it when he met her...spells shallow to me!

He think he did a favor to her by marrying her when she would have been better off with someone who loved her for who she was "as is". I feel horrible for her and how she must feel living with a man like him.

WOW~
YOU make me sick.
Do your wife a favor and get out. She needs to be with someone who loves her for her, no matter what she is or what she looks like.
To me it sounds like you settled. And she inturn settled for you. The sad thing is she probably really loves you...but all you can think/sleep/breathe about is weight and how it IS SUCH AN ISSUE.
You should be an encourager NOT a destroyer. AND it should have never been a "LOSE WEIGHT AND I'LL..." whatever!
You need to take a long look at yourself...
Sad, sad, sad!

Here's my perspective as a woman who has been overweight most of the time for the last 30 years....

In my first marriage I was miserable....I weighed 180 when we met and my new husband knew what I looked like and that I had been overweight since I was in high school. On our honeymoon he pointed out stick thin women and said how he'd love it if I looked like them. I tried, I really did, and at one point got down to 140. Other men were attracted to me, but he still criticized. When we divorced I weighed almost 200; I ate cuz I was miserable. As I gained confidence and began to excersize; my old personality came out. Men were attracted to me! And I was still overweight. Then I met my H......wow, he LOVES me the way I am! He'll support me if I want to lose some weight (he worries I'll get too skinny, lol). I can't tell you how wonderful it is to be with a man who thinks my body is sexy and voluptuous and tells me so often. Funny thing is, I watch what I eat and excersize more now cuz I know he loves me the way I am, and I want to be healthy enough to spend alot of years with him.