MH,

Pretty much everything that could have been said by me has already been said by many others here, so I won't waste your time via reiteration using different words. I totally agree with Starfish (big surprise there - NOT <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />), and Symphony, CN, and many others have given excellent advice.

From the sounds of things, having taken the time to read through this entire thread, on the one hand it sounds like you are quite frustrated with your current scenario and are self aware enough to know that a crisis is coming if your W continues to gain weight, which she apparently has started to do again over the last six months. I hear you saying that this is becoming a deal-breaker in some ways. On the other hand I see you've answered the question of what you would do if nothing changed, and your answer was to accept the reality of a sexless marriage due to W's weight, and stay in it for the child. So, it seems your two answers here conflict at least on some levels. I think you have some thinking to do along this line.

One of the reasons I appreciate Harley's MB system so much is that it emphasizes the fact that we ignore the legitimacy of our EN's at our own peril, and oftentimes the peril of those closest to us who bear the brunt of our grief, anger, bitterness, and unhappiness due to unmet needs. Yes we can "tough it out" sometimes for many years, but sooner or later our unmet EN's are going to get the best of us, and when that time comes is usually when the M starts to self destruct. Harley teaches us to identify our EN's, and he then does a great job of teaching us to legimitize the necessity of having those EN's most important to us to be consistently met by our spouses. As for your specific situation, hindsight is always 20/20, and I can certainly see how the early weight loss of your wife down to 185 gave you a serious indication that things were headed in the right direction. Perhaps as a result of youth and inexperience, you took this to mean a permanent change, whereas we now know that oftentimes changes like this are not permanent in nature.

I would state here that the fact that your W did lose a great deal of weight before is an excellent indicator that she can do it again, though it may be more difficult since as we age, it becomes harder, relatively, to lose excess weight. It is for this reason that your encouragement and your making a decision to utilize the MB system, and therefore putting in the corresponding effort to meet her EN's outside of SF becomes all the more important! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> She needs that from you no matter what the future holds in regard to her weight struggles.

So, work the MB system MH, study it, and use it, if you so decide. If you find you're having significant troubles doing so, post here, and some good folks will help you with your next steps. If you can afford it financially, call the Harley hotline and get phone counseling, then you're getting advice directly from the source so to speak, doing so will eliminate any question as to whether or not you are implementing certain ideas correctly or not.

On a slightly different topic, I find somewhat incendiary posts like this to be fascinating. We see gender differences come out rather easily. It makes me think about asking the question, what is the purpose of marriage? No doubt our spouses are, at times, supposed to be a soft place to fall, a safe place, and chances are your wife doesn't feel very safe, and really neither do you, discussing the topic at hand. This is an area that needs change, it needs PORH, but probably not before implementing POUA to build up your friendship. Are you spending your 15 hours per week together as a couple investing in one another? To me, the purpose of marriage is to build each other up, to glorify God, to be a soft place to fall for each other when it's needed, to be each other's biggest cheerleaders in life, but at the same time it's also a place to help improve each other's weak points, , and sometimes that means confronting deepseated problems in our lives that we do not really want to confront or change, or oftentimes even recognize as legitimate in the 1st place. This last step is all about confronting the truth in love. This step is ALL about that old adage, it's not what we say, it's the way we say it. Chances are your W probably wants to lose weight just as much if not moreso than you. I really do not believe that anyone wants to be overweight, but it sounds like your W grew up learning a lifestyle that produces weight problems, and the coping habits she has learned growing up are hard to change, but she can change them. Studies show that couples who attempt to lose weight and get healthy together are much more likely to, one, succeed, and two, permanently change their lifestyle (for obvious reasons IMHO). You and your W have to get "on the same team" about this problem, she needs to feel your love and your support and know that you are her soft place to fall when she has setbacks temporarily (and yes this will happen), otherwise those temporary setbacks will turn into a return to old bad habits most likely, in the form of weight gain, which is probably what you've seen to date since you two appear not to be on the same team regarding the weight issue given it is an unsafe topic to even bring up. We can help you to come up with creative ways to take these steps here at MB. I look forward to being a part of your doing so if you decide that is what you want.

Lastly, I will tell you about my own experience here at MB. As others have said, there are hotbutton issues for everyone, so there will always be people posting that may appear to be unduly hard on you. Understand that for those people, your issue probably touches on some issue in their own life that produces a lot of emotion and therefore can sometimes motivate people to become reactionary. Sometimes the reaction is good, sometimes not. Take it in stride, practice good boundaries in these cases. Good boundaries keep the good in, push the bad out, keep the bad out, and let the good in. Always remember that and you'll do just fine here. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

MBFW, I'm right with you. As I said previously, for the great majority, it is diet and exercise related so long as medical issues are ruled out. One thing I did not say which I am a BIG believer in is to find a good doctor and get everything checked out before starting any weight loss and exercise regimen. As I said, assuming no medical factors, it really does come down to calories in > calories out. By that I meant what I just said, work with your doctor to ensure you aren't spinning your wheels so to speak. There's nothing worse than trying with all your heart and getting no results because there's a medical problem at hand. That is very disheartening to say the least. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

That said, I would also state that exercise, even low to moderate exercise that does not produce weight loss, can produce an improvement in people physically and emotionally. I'm a big advocate of walking for this very reason. It's great exercise that almost everyone can do with little consequence and a big long term payoff on multiple levels in life.

glad you mentioned non-intimate marriages.
i guess non-inimate is a bit subjective.
i know several people who seem perfectly happy to be in non-intimate marriages. i am related to 1....and although her marriage would never work for me, there are many parts of it that i admire. they have a beautiful home and are very organized and very frugal, they work well on projects together.
i get stuck because she says she is content and tells me that is where i need to get to. but, it doesn't feel right to me.
plus, i am fairly certain that her husband would like more sex and affection and admiration from her.

after reading your post, i realized i don't think i know a single person who doesn't have some psychological problem.

I was very interested in reading your post and replies. I have wondered about this topic over the years and tried internet searches and never came across such discussions before.

I don't know if anything I say will be helpful, but maybe it is just more continuing the "conversation"....

Your description of your situation, your feelings and emotions -- could be describing my H... and myself (although one difference is my weight gain came after our marriage). I'll share briefly our story and then had some thoughts about your situation. In general, during my life until marriage, I had been a normal weight (not overweight). However, after marriage I started to gain weight… and gain and gain and gain..... 30+ pounds just in the first few months, and after having two children in a couple more years, I eventually ended up 90+ pounds over the weight when I had married. This gain was such a surprise to me, and I would never have believed this would "happen" to me. Ever since, I have tried (and failed) countless times to lose the weight... I just can't bear to think of giving up, the thought of being fat like this for the rest of the life is too awful to contemplate. But I also feel despair because I don't know what to do!!! I can hardly believe it is me, when I see this huge body in the mirror... And to think that this has gone on for so long. Each year I keep thinking, “by this time next year, I will find a way to lose weight! I will be thinner…” And when another year rolls around and I'm still the same size, the realization is so sickening and despairing for me. I am also greatly afraid of the risks to my health. But now I'll change the subject for a moment to my H...

As I gained weight he found himself unable to be attracted to me.... The things you described in your initial email about how you reacted to your W's weight, how you couldn't look at her fat without thinking "yuck", how you have felt depressed and hopeless to think of spending the rest of your life this way in misery and without SF in your marriage etc. etc.-- you are describing my H exactly, and how he feels about me and my weight gain and our marriage.

As I gained weight, my H withdrew from me. Now there is very little talk between us; we are ships passing in the night. My husband has told me that because of my inability to lose weight, he has about given up hope to ever having a happy marriage. I feel so awful about being overweight, and by not being able to give my H what is so important to men and marriage (because he simply can't bring himself to be with me in that way - there is zero attraction).

With all that said:
* I agree that I think that no-one can make me lose weight; it has to come from me.
* I don't think that it is "shallow" for a man to find it important to have an attractive spouse; I think this is natural, how God made men.
* I also think it is fine for my H to express how my weight impacts him (that is honesty -- and who knows how I would feel if the tables were reversed and my H had gained 100 pounds? Would I feel attracted to him or repulsed to see all the fat???)
* On the other hand, things my H did that made things worse were: > when he tried to make up a diet plan for me and insisted that my lack of success with losing weight was due to my unwillingness to follow his plan (as if losing weight was only a matter of finding the correct diet plan!); >buying some awful exercise videos and insisting on dragging me out of bed very early each morning to exercise with him (why not mutually pick out videos or invite me to choose some form of exercise that I liked and offer to exercise with me at a time that I liked – but not forced??)).

I accept responsibility for overeating and gaining this weight. I don't want to blame it on something else, and use that as an excuse for being helpless and giving up trying to fight this battle. Yet, when I have tried to figure out possible reasons for this gain and inability to lose, I keep coming back to the following:
* Constant, never-ending stress over finances (before marriage, stresses in my life would be short term, with an end in sight, or something that I could "control" and figure out a solution to). But since marriage, our finances have been on a roller coaster, with no budget or control, and no end in site. I have been continuously stressed about not having any spending plan, my H’s repeated pressures to spend money and take on debt for things we couldn't afford, countless times when we ran out of money and our mortgage was behind and I was ashamed and humiliated at not having even money to buy gas or having to borrow small bits of money from relatives just to get groceries etc.) I have wondered if this circumstance was different, whether this would make any difference to my ability to lose weight? (This would certainly relieve stress which might reduce my compulsion to “escape” by overeating…)
* Lack of help to me at home (I handle 100% of cooking, tidying, laundry, grocery and other household errands, home maintenance, handling bills, working 1.5 jobs etc.—plus caring for our two young children) -- very stressful and exhausting trying to do everything without help (and getting criticized severely for not doing things well enough); plus it has perpetually been extremely hard to go and exercise without help from him with the children (I used to be very active physically before marriage).

I wonder whether I would have gained weight in the first place, or if I would at least have lost the weight, if the two stresses above had not been present? My weight gain has caused a vicious cycle. As I have gained, my H has withdrawn from me, and I have gained still more. I have struggled for 9 years with this problem, without success. Maybe I am “stuck” in a corner at this point…. But is there room for my H to move? I wonder if it would make a difference if my H tried hard to meet my EN (even though I might not be meeting all of his). If he tried hard to treat me as though he loved me, and was kind to me, and treated me with honor, and asked me what he could do for me, and then tried to do it with all his heart -- how would that impact me? It could be very, very powerful. I can’t say if this would be a turning point in my weight loss; whether it would help or not, because it hasn’t happened…. But I wonder. Is this something you have tried with your W?

Also, a while back after a long “dry spell”, my H approached me one night in bed and we had (what I thought was) a great time. It powerfully impacted me, to have this happen after so long. To feel desired! For the next few days I found myself feeling so happy and NOT wanting to eat, wanting to make myself attractive – putting on makeup carefully and dressing as nicely as possible, expecting this to continue, and feeling full of energy and hope. But, it didn’t happen again, and I realized this was just “accidental”, and gradually I grew dejected again, and returned to eating….

I tell this little anecdote, because I wonder how it might impact me to think that my husband was trying to meet my needs and sticking to a budget and helping me at home, and being kind and not criticizing – maybe even praying for me or with me each day -- would I want to dress nicely each day, wear makeup, and not eat -- feeling and trying to be desirable (even before my body was slim) -- because my H was treating me with honor and with love (regardless of his feelings, he was being loving and caring in his actions)?? And where might this lead???

Well – sorry for this extremely long monologue. I sympathize with your predicament. And I greatly respect your commitment to your marriage vows, and to your son. I think you are a man of honor and courage to stick to these commitments and you will be rewarded for it and your W and son will be blessed because of your decision to do what is right, no matter how hard it is. But I pray that God might provide you with wisdom and strength that may lead to changes in you and your W and to JOY in your marriage.

- Aster

Aster,

There is a lot going on in your M. I'm going to have a look to see if you have your own thread...

Cat

Astrid, have you read the 3 states of intimacy in a marriage? It's in Basic Concepts. I couldn't recommend the advice in there more highly. It seems like you have a lot of questions in your mind about how you and H each contributed to the place you are at now. If he changes nothing today, you can still get started on the plan there, eliminating LBs. This will even the first day give you more of a sense of control over your choices, and build your self-esteem.

If you are at a point where you want to lose the weight (only you can decide that), then I welcome you to join our MB weight loss support group. It is an amazing group of inspirational women motivating each other daily through our successes and growth opportunities. It is really about so much more than weight loss!

I personally think you deserve the situation you are in. You knowingly married a woman that has a weight problem. You entered this marriage with your eyes wide open and now you want her to change or you want out.

Consider this: I dated a man a few years ago that smokes. He is a wonderful guy, we had great sex, we got along beautifully, he had many many wonderful qualities but the smoking was a deal breaker for me. He had told me when we began dating that he would quit smoking. He didn't. After 2-1/2 years of dating, our relationship was at a crossroads. Marriage or go our separate ways. I let him go not just because of his smoking but it was the major issue for me. I would never ask him to stop smoking because that is entirely up to him so I let him go so he can find a woman that accepts him just the way he is, cigarette smoke and all. I loved him enough to let him go. You may have trouble with this concept, a lot of people do.

It has been my experience that people do not change. You have to accept them the way they are and love them despite their flaws.

You married your wife despite the fact that she was overweight. I'm about 30 lbs. overweight and believe me, I KNOW IT. I don't need anyone to tell me I need to lose weight, I'm well aware of it thank you very much. I know it's bad for my health. I know that I'm more likely to have diabetes because of my weight and diabetes runs in my family.

Being single and overweight guarantees that you won't get asked out. I gain weight to avoid dealing with men when I'm tired of dealing with them and I want to take a break. In general, men don't like overweight women. Being single for the last 12 years has taught me that.

Your wife deserves a husband that loves her and accepts her exactly the way she is. You married her under false pretenses and believe me, she is paying the price for it too. If you can't give her your love and acceptance then you should let her go.

Just my humble opinion.

Wow. I can certainly sympathize with you, and find myself in the same situation. You very accurately discribed the thoughts and feelings we feel with this issue and the inward battle we face with them. It's not easy to vocalize how we truly feel deep down and for that I give you credit. I'm sorry for the judgemental and rude responses you have received and this certainly will not be one of them. Although I'm not sure I will be able to offer any advice. When I married my H he was 6'3" 180lbs, he's now at 245. I could handle 10, even 20lbs of gain, but not 65. I've had four children and have managed to stay a size 4/6!!! And it's not easy. I'm not the 100lbs I was when we met, but I'm only 15lbs heavier, and still working on it. You cannot help the way you feel regarding this issue, it's the way we are "wired". I also sense that you had a "feeling" about the weight being a major issue while dating and before marriage, and I agree that maybe you shouldn't have proceeded. But what's done is done and you cannot change the past so there's no need to keep looking back. What you need to do is focus on the present, the future and begin making plans accordingly. But that's as far as my advice goes. LOL I wish you the best of luck and I hope things work out for the best...

Aster,

Thank you for your kindness. And in turn, I wish you success as well.

My wife and I don't have the same pressures on us, while we're hardly filthy rich, we're doing pretty darn well. We've still got a full-time nanny for our son, at least until he's in school for a full day (*that's* going to be an adjustment ... when we're back to doing everything for ourselves again!) and a once-a-week housekeeper who even does laundry. I probably do a bit less than what my wife would call "my share" of the remaining stuff, but only a bit.

She works full-time, and I'm self-employed at home, so we sort of have the best of both worlds.

Aster ... in particular reference to your story of the "surprise" sex one night, I have done the same myself. What's going on (at least in my case) is usually a mix of different thoughts/emotions along the lines of "I feel close tonight", "I REALLY want to try to make this work", "I feel bad that I'm this way, and want to try to make up for it", "Maybe this time I can ignore my hind-brain and make this better". And sometimes even simply that the third glass of wine did the trick, LOL.

Also Aster ... don't forget that men are motivated to try to fix things. When your H hears you say that you want to lose weight, but can't seem to do it, he does not think, "She wants me to be supportive and sympathetic", he thinks, "OK, now I've been asked to solve this problem. Here's my plan ...". If he's an engineer, like me, he'll be even *worse*!

So give him credit, he's trying to do what he knows how to do. And if you can, give him direct, unambiguous feedback about what you *really* need him to do --- or you'll both just get more frustrated.

For anybody who is interested, I have started on Prozac about three weeks ago. Just the fact of taking *some* action has had a great effect on my frame of mind, and I believe the drug is starting to "kick in" about now as well. I've been feeling much less desperate and depressed, and have lost a large chunk of the unhelpful anger and resentment.

So in the next week or two I plan to address the issue again with her.

I've also managed to drop almost ten pounds myself! WooHoo! I'd like to keep *that* going ...

Anyway ... time to get some real work done.

That's great to hear. Have you identified any Love Busters to work on?

Here's where we part company ... everything that I have read here and elsewhere, *especially* the comments from the peanut gallery, have convinced me that the issue of obesity and weight has to be handled in a manner similar to other addictions such as drugs or alcohol.

That is to say that the addiction must be dealt with before it is possible to do much, if any, work on marriage issues.

I believe that this is consistant with Dr. Harley's thoughts.

So LB or no LB has *absolutely nothing to do with her weight*. (Not that I don't intend to be as nice as I can be ... just that I'm sure that there is no causal releationship either way.)

What brought me to this realization are the conversations I've had with my wife, as well as many of the posts here from women who have outlined their difficulty with weight loss, and the pathological thought processes that give them such a hard time.

Let me try to find the post that really brought me to this point: ah - here it is - osxgirl's post. and there was another one a little further down the thread. I'll quote the parts that struck me as telling.



and later ...



My wife has expressed some of these sentiments. And what osxgirl doesn't say, after her very first sentence that I quoted where she says that dieting won't make "an iota of difference", is that the *reason* it won't make a difference is that the dieter will sabatoge their own efforts.


Well, now I've REALLY done it!

Wow - I wasn't really even following this thread, I just happened to pop in a little yesterday and started playing catch-up, and now you quote that. It seems like forever since I wrote that, but I guess it hasn't been that long. Two months.

You know, I don't know if anything I say will be helpful. Every person is different. What motivates every person is different, and the thing that finally pushes every person to the edge and makes them change is different. Some people never find that thing that pushes them to change. What works for some people doesn't for others.

That's true with diets too. I have been so glad to finally find a way of eating that works for me to lose weight - but I wouldn't run right out and tell everyone that THIS is the way for them to lose weight. I'd tried plenty of other ways before that worked for other people, and did nothing for me. This one seems to work for my body. This is another factor that makes the whole weight loss thing tough - finding a plan that actually works for you, because I'm now convinced that the way a person needs to eat and what a healthy diet is for a person varies somewhat for different people. I think that's why when they try and do studies on some of these different diets, some of the results end up being so inconsistent.

Yes, at the most basic, it is calories in = calories out, but our bodies are machines, and how we utilize those calories as they come in and what we do with them can vary a lot.

And then there is the whole psychological side of it, which is of course back to what you were getting at when you were posting the quotes, MIS. I can give you my own experience. In my case, I was always fat, but after we married, I did start putting on weight. A little at first, but quite a bit as the years went on. My (now) XH claimed at one point the weight was a problem - I have no idea whether or not that was the truth. I know he preferred fat women. I know that when I found all the porn he had hidden on the computer, it was all fat women, and so were all the women he was contacting through personals. He claimed that I had gained TOO much though.

The question is - why did I start gaining so much? Even though I was fat, I had been stable for years. I actually had come to terms with a lot of things, and was at mostly a stable weight, with just a slow weight increase. The reason I started gaining? The way he treated me. There was a lot of emotional abuse. He treated me like.... well, most of the time, like I wasn't really a person, or like I really didn't exist.

The problem is, if you looked at it on the surface of things, he would have said he didn't treat me that way, and I probably would have at the time too. It was all very subtle. I was mainly picking up on his emotions, his feelings toward me. I later found out that he had some problems - issues with his parents, other things. I really don't know what, he wouldn't talk about them with me or with anyone. I just knew they were there. And it started becoming obvious that he had a whole lot of disdain for other people in general, and for me in particular. But it wasn't overt - as I said, it was subtle, I could tell the feelings were there underneath, no matter how much he told me he loved me or tried to act like things were ok.

And it was those underneath feelings I reacted to. I knew how he REALLY felt about me - I could feel it. And I was hiding from it in the one place I felt safe. Food.

Does all of that have any bearing back on your story? I think maybe it does. I don't know what the answer is for you, but if your wife is feeling that from you - feeling disgust that you can't hide, feeling that you don't love her for her, it might be nearly impossible for her to quit hiding behind the weight. It can be a safe place to be.

As for me - I'm finally losing the weight, and doing well at it. I didn't start losing it until almost a year and a half after the divorce. It took that long for me to get my head clear enough from everything that happened and to be ok enough be want to do it. Before that, I wouldn't have stood a chance at being successful, and I know it. Now, I've lost a good 70 pounds in 20 weeks, and I'm still going strong. But at least in my case, it would never have happened as long as I was with my husband, because of the way he treated me. I was going through too much pain dealing with the way he treated me to even think about going through the kind of pain that I needed to go through to have these kinds of realizations about WHY I was keeping on the weight and continuing to gain it. Too much pain to deal with all at once.

I don't know if any of that helps.... but it's what I have for now.

I can't stand it when people blame others for their fat.

JUST STOP IT WITH THE PITY PARTY!!!!!

Everybody has to 'watch' or to diet sooner or later. What makes ANYONE so GD special that they think they shouldn't have to?????

Hmmmmmmmm.....Maybe a little humor will help your wife.

Tell your wife you are waking her up at 6 A.M. to go jogging.
If she says no way--give her a copy of this news article:

----------------------------------------

HUBBY DIES AFTER SEEING FAT WIFE IN THONG UNDIES


**********edit***************

I'm glad you quoted those 2 posters because they are exactly right. I gain weight to keep from having to deal with men. I gain weight because food is a comfort to me, it doesn't hurt my feelings, it doesn't make me feel bad, it doesn't yell at me or call me names. It's always there, it's always available and I can buy whatever I want foodwise and not break the bank doing it. I can use it as an excuse for not dating because of course we all know that men don't like fat women, you said so yourself!! It can't be any other reason, right? I'm fat so no one wants me. Makes perfect sense to me!

I was also sexually molested by my half-brother (we have the same Mother, different Dads) when I was 5 years old and from what I've read about incest, this is probably another reason why I have a weight problem. It's like a barrier. If I'm fat no one messes with me. I never had a weight problem until my early 30's, I was always slender before then. My early 30's was when I first started telling people (including my Mother) about what my brother did to me. Coincidence? Maybe.

Anyway, I really do wish you luck with your situation. You can't help how you feel. I really feel bad for your wife and what she is probably going through. I understand it very well.

Where did you get this from, The Onion?

It's from the elite periodical known as the Weekly World News

http://www.weeklyworldnews.com/features/chamber/61589

This is indeed where we part company. You are assuming that for your W this is an addiction, that looking at your behavior is irrelevant, that you are a helpless victim here. I would say that only by looking at your own behavior could you test that theory. I would say further that before you choose this path, you should look at where it leads - disappointment and resentment. Is this what you want your boy to grow up in? Does he not deserve for you to try everything within your power before you throw in the towel?

How about calling the Harleys before you go off on that path?

I encourage you to read redFish's current thread. There is great perspective there on constructive ways to address a top EN not being met.

I haven't "thrown in the towel", and there are certainly things I'm going to try before doing so. But I'm content to see the problem clearly, which I believe that I do now ... and also how and where MB principals can and cannot help us.

Redfish's thread is one I've been following. Yes, there are parallels, but there is also a huge difference between our situations.

Thank you very much for sharing some helpful thoughts and insights into possible motivations for some of my H's behavior. I really appreciate it.

This isn't really relevant, but I just wanted to add further explanation on a couple of points you mentioned: regarding our financial situation, we are both professionals with post-graduate degrees. I used to earn a 6-figure income before marriage and we still make a decent income. We live in a solid middle class neighborhood, an could certainly afford this lifestyle - if we were responsible and had a specific spending plan / budget. The problem is that our income is very unevenly distributed throughout the year (or even from year to year)-- the timing always varies a lot. This of course makes it even more important to plan, because the money in the bank today might need to cover the next 3 months. But my H isn't willing to do this, and buys expensive toys, makes large purchases and investments that we can't afford and may not pan out anyhow... Also, this has resulted in debt and huge finane charges. This situation is incredibly stressful to me. Often there has been no $ to pay the mortage or even small basics like groceries, gas, etc., which I have found very, very embarassing and humiliating. But enough of that -- I'm glad for you that this isn't a problem for you...

Also, you mentioned being on an antidepressant -- my H also has been on antidepressants for some time now (partly for another reason, but also partly because he was feeling depressed about my weight and says the meds help...)

One thing I mentioned in my prior post, was that for some people it can be extremely difficult to lose weight (and people who don't have this problem can't understand it). But there are powerful psychological or other factors involved, that make the problem a lot more than simply having the discipline to eat less, exercise more. It really is like an addiction. One reason some people overeat is to "escape" (like a drug) from stress and unhappiness in their life. That is why I wondered whether it would make any difference to me if there was a way to remove my biggest stressors. Or, what it would be like to have my H just ask about my needs and ask me what he could do to help and then follow through. Would this ever make any difference in my ability to finally lose this weight? I don't know. I realize that my ultimate weight loss and success can't be dependant on level of stress in my life. But still....

Anyhow, once again I thank you for your insights, and I wish you and your W the best of luck.

Thanks for your note and suggestion. I read and printed out the articles on the 3 states of intimacy - very interesting. I want to mull this over more and would like to see if I could get my H to read and see what he thinks...

I am interested in the MB weight loss support group -- where is it listed? (I DO want to lose the weight, it is just finding the motivation and energy to try yet again after failing countless times... In any case, I am on a program currently that I really respect and have managed to take off about 10lbs, but based on past experience I wonder if I have any chance at all of succeeding??) Anyhow, please let me know more about the group - sounds wonderful.
Thanks again for taking the time to write.