Hi,

I have been lurking for a few days and am new here. I am actually sure there is an EA or something more going on with someone whom my H spends a great deal of time around. They are very "close" friends. I think there may also be someone else as well.

I notice he avoids and "contact" with me when we're around her. Ex: At last nights New Years party he didn't come near me until I was in the bathroom to kiss me. I left. These are just a few of the things that I have noticed.

No desire to shower, shave or care for him self especially around me. But whenever he leaves to go out of town for work he showers, shaves and brushes his teeth

No desire to do anything at all around the house especially with me.

No desire to do anything or go anywhere with me.

Very critical of me, says very mean things to me often and is careless about hurting my feelings.

Could not even shower and shave to take a Christmas photo with me.
Has no desire for lovemaking with me.

When we do have sex, he’s been very different in bed with me-his touch is different and he does things that he’s never done before.

No desire for any affection or intimacy with me. Especially when we are out an around this other person.

We have no closeness like we used to. There is no hand holding, no snuggling. We were always the ones to be hugging and displaying our wonderful affectionate marriage with people. They always commented on it. We had the marriage that everyone was jealous of and wanted.

I am sure that he is not in love with me anymore. I feel like the live-in maid and a roomate rather then his partner.

When we used to go out and there were discussions he used to boast/take pride in the fact that he spoiled me and did little things like set up the coffee maker. I now notice that he avoids those types of things and when there are conversations he acts like he doesn’t care to do these things. This especially around this other person.

I thank you in advance for your kindness and thoughts or opinions. I am really crushed that my marriage of 23 years is fading and fast!

The trouble is that his cell phone is paid for by his employer so I have no resource there at all. He knows I am a very smart cookie and I have been snooping and he's got his tracks covered very, very well. Yesterday I found a phone number hidden on a piece of paper in his wallet. When I called it I found a woman's cell phone voice message. The number is also stored in his cell phone as JT.

Last week I also found out why I would get the message "user busy in data A3". (We have nextel phones) He is able to receive both email and text messages by phone. The problem is that again it's through his employer and he's got everything clean-nothing saved, he deletes it all because he knows me very well.

I went through his work truck-as he is a truck driver. He is local usually only goes through the day and home by 5-6 p.m. but he does take some road trips where he is gone 1-2 days. I also went through his pick-up truck. Both are clean as a whistle. How on earth do you confront someone with no evidence really to speak of but gut instinct, and a hidden cell phone number from his wallet?

I am emotionally wiped out right now. H is not a man who will just "fess up." I need to have hard evidence and don't know how I am going to get any. I am so hurt and sick inside I cannot stand to even be around him right now.

Hi Jinxie,
Welcome to MB and I'm sorry you are here to join the club no one wants to belong to. This is a good site for support no matter what becomes of your marriage. I have a few questions for you:

Do you have any children?
Do you know who this "JT" person is? Is it the friend that you are uncomfortable around? Find out as much as you can about these people. Are they married, do they have children, etc. Most likely your husband is also involved in a physical affair.

I would gather my evidence before I do any confrontations. Just know that when you do confront/expose, it is to people that don't know about it, such as coworkers, OW family, etc. The two people having an affair already know about it so you don't need to convince them. Also, don't expect a confession when you confront your husband. They will usually continue to deny anyway.

The purpose of exposure is to blow the cover off their affair. Affairs thrive on secrecy and the excitement of sneaking around. Once their tawdry affair is exposed to people whom they respect, it doesn't look so good anymore.

Purchase and read Surviving an Affair by Harley. Read up on this site all about Plan A. Refrain from any angry outbursts and disrespectful judgements against your H. They will only drive him further away and convince him he is better off with OW. Vent here instead.

You are in for the fight of your life. Buckle your seat belt and hold on tight. You can do this! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Hi Shattered-thanks so much for the response and the support. I feel like I am dying inside. I have no idea who the JT woman is. I know that cell number is from this area one town over. I was shocked as it's not the same person I was originally talking about. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> So now I am doubly sick inside!

Do I call this JT person and say who the heck are you? What have you been doing with my H?

Since he did find what I've been reading up on he's been all of the sudden very lovable. He brought up another couple that we know of who're splitting bc of the guys wife running around-and my H says usually when women accuse the spouse of doing something it's bc they are guilty themselves. Ummmm reverse the blame when I have been utterly devoted for 23 years!

Again the trouble is he's very good at covering his tracks because he knows how savvy that I am. He won't even do anything via the computer as I am a computer specialist so that's out. Short of a PI which I really cannot afford I really don't know what to do to catch him?!

TIA, Jeanne

You might consider placing a recording device in his vehicle. I have not used one but folks on this site have with great success. His work vehicle is probably where he does all the talking so that would be your best bet. I think you place it behind the driver's seat or under the seat. From what I understand, you can purchase one at Radio Shack in the vicinity of $60. I'm sure that will tell you all you need to now.

Whatever you find out, do not tell him how you know, you just do. He will try to pry it out of you so he can shut down your source. Keep your cards close to your chest and put on your best poker face.

Your not sure, or you are sure?

Maybe he is depressed. Sometimes the symptoms you describe are signs of depression.

If you are convinced he is cheating, then you have to determine "when does he have the opportunity to cheat" Isolate the opportunities, then go from there.

As far as JT goes. You maybe able to track down the phone number if it is a home phone you can get an address and name. You can do this with a cell # too. PI's can help with this if you are not familiar with how to do it. You might surprised at the cost. Tell him specifically what you want to know, and ask for a price.

Don't call JT yet, or ask your husband about JT. Not until you have verified something.

Shattered gave some good advice. If you H is in an A he will deny and want use your loyalty and honesty against you. Think of it as protecting yourself and your marriage, he will try to make you feel guilty and dishonest for what you have done. But even if he isn't haveing an A, you have a right to protect your M.

Your not sure, or you are sure?

*** I am sure. I know this man very well, very well.

Maybe he is depressed. Sometimes the symptoms you describe are signs of depression.

*** He's not depressed. I know this for certainty.

If you are convinced he is cheating, then you have to determine "when does he have the opportunity to cheat" Isolate the opportunities, then go from there.

*** I know when he's got the opportunity and I simply cannot change that-it's during the course of his job. Again I want to emphasize that I belive it to be an EA-however he's quite good at covering his cell phone tracks and I cannot check on minutes etc. as his employer pays for that bill.Also the other friend I spoke of has a major crisis in her life is/was a very good friend of ours and depends on him a great deal.

As far as JT goes. You maybe able to track down the phone number if it is a home phone you can get an address and name. You can do this with a cell # too. PI's can help with this if you are not familiar with how to do it. You might surprised at the cost. Tell him specifically what you want to know, and ask for a price.

*** I know that it's a cell number as I managed to find that it's a cingular customer. It's not the same person either that is our friend.

Don't call JT yet, or ask your husband about JT. Not until you have verified something.

Shattered gave some good advice. If you H is in an A he will deny and want use your loyalty and honesty against you. Think of it as protecting yourself and your marriage, he will try to make you feel guilty and dishonest for what you have done. But even if he isn't haveing an A, you have a right to protect your M.

*** Thank you for all of your support and insight folks. I love my H more than anything in the world. He's been my best friend for many years and I am not willing to throw the towel in without a tough fight!

If you have her number, you can check HER phone activity on-line. I think it costs around $80.

I would start a good Plan A. It's hard to do, but you only have to continue it for around 3 months.

How was the marriage before all of this? Are there things that he complained about?

Here are a few ways that I have heard of to catch a cheating husband. If you have the phone number call it up and say you are from the hospital and he was in a serious accident and her number was given to contact. Ask if she is his girlfriend? I saw this on one of the other web sights.

Another option is to set him up. You plan on going on an emergency trip out of town but you don't realy go. Instead you are set up to have him watched while you are out.

Here is another plan. Have a gift delivered to him at home from a florist when you are not there that does not have a card attatched to say who it is from. Have the home phone set up with a recording device.

Believer - How can you access her phone records?

Not that I need to know - but curious. Just goes to show how niave I am.

Jan

There are services on line. I forget the names of the good ones though. You get the results in a couple of hours.