My husband and I have been married for just over 21 years and have three nearly grown children plus one grown daughter from a previous marriage (mine). We have had many, many ups and downs in our marriage - as do all marriages - but there have been certain threads that have run through the fabric of our marriage that, over time, nearly destroyed it.

There have been incidents, too numerous to count, of financial irresponsibility on my husband's part - to the point where I filed for divorce and he agreed to turn over finances (and his directly deposited paycheck) to me. Even so, I bathed more than one baby in water I had warmed on my electic stove when the gas has been shut off for nonpayment. He has had a penchant for collector cars and parts since before I married him, and has often put what should have been family money into this hobby. Then there were the years that he was explosively angry at the kids - or at best snide and cruel in his remarks.

A year ago, I had come to the end of what I thought I could tolerate with him. He knew this and did (what I thought was a complete 180). Even though I told him I was going to file for divorce after our son graduated from high school, my husband continued to show his love for me and displayed a course correction in his behavior. As a result, I changed my mind about the divorce. It seemed like such a miracle... like a gift from God because it felt like my heart had been softened - changed.

I felt loving toward my husband in I don't know how many years - safe, trusting.

Then we went to a party around the holidays, only to have a friend of his tell me my husband had bought yet another collector car without telling me. This came on the heels of him approaching me to increase the home equity line on our home in order to take care of credit card debt he incurred (again!). This is not the first time he has brought cars home without my knowledge and hid them in his large outbuilding that I rarely go into because it is so stuffed with car parts. At the time of this latest purchase, he already knew I was having a hard time keeping up with bills as we have two boys in college - but he never thought about them!

I told him I had HAD IT! He needed to sell this car or back out of the deal AND sell the last car he bought and hid from me. He also had to destroy his credit cards.

At first he was angry with me. The next day he acted truly sorry - said he would do whatever I wanted. As I write, he has not done anything with either car... or the credit cards. He HAS sold a significant number of expensive car parts, but I have yet to see any of that money in the family account.

My trust is gone. I find it difficult to love a man I can't trust. I don't want a divorce, but I feel at the end of my rope. I have thought that perhaps I should commit my way to God knowing that I can trust HIM even when man fails me and therefore stay in the marriage. But, I'm just not sure what is the right and honorable thing to do. My "problem" may seem small in comparison with many who post here, but it feels large to me. I have only written a tiny fraction of the difficulties we have faced as a couple. Mostly, I guess I wonder if he never really changed at all - if he just played me so I would stay and he could maintain the lifestyle to which he has grown accustomed. My counselor last year cautioned me about this very likely possibility.

I'm at a loss.

Thank you,

MAzingrace

If you are seriously thinking of leaving, I would suggest that your first step should be getting in touch with a lawyer to protect your assets. If your H becomes bitter that you want to leave, he may run up the bills and pass half of the debt along to you.

And please don't feel like you're posting in the wrong place - whether or not this is a big thing compared to other posters' problems, it's important to you, and that's what matters.

Over in Emotional Needs there is a H who used to be like your H - his handle is Cuthbert Calculus. Maybe you could ask him what his W did to wake him up and take that attitude with your H.

Thanks, Cat_A, for your response. I thought I had deleted my post because I hadn't gotten any answers, but alas - the post was still here today as was your reply. I will check on the emotional needs portion of the forum. I don't want a divorce - although I have come close to seeking one in the past - but I am pretty emotionally fragile right now and don't know whether I should trust my husband or not. I know we always take a risk when we trust another - but some risks are wise to take while others are not. This is my quandary.