Hi! I've been married for 17 years after dating for 5 years. So that's 22 years we are together. I have to admit things haven't been the best for the past 4 years (since the birht of our 3rd child)There have been good even great times but overall, I think we both emotioally checked out. He was busy with work me with the kids. Anyway, About a month ago he went to a festival and yes, I was "invited" but it was for adults only and we do have 3 kids. Also, I already had a commitment with my mother which was scheduled 2 months prior that he knew about. Anyway he told me everyone who was going to be there everyone except HER!!!
(she is someone he works with) When I confronted him about it he told me SHE is his BEST FRIEND and her "digs" her - because everyone needs someone to talk to. He also told me if her wins multimillions she'd be the first he would give a million to. She's married but but not happliy. Anyway, we yelled and screamed and I thought got back on track. We had a great New Years Eve and seem to really be reconnecting. Yesterday (New Years Day) he had to call work to speak with a male co-worker (work related) then asks if SHE is there and has what I consider a much too friendly conversation with HER. Telling her about his drive home he almost called her just to complain about traffic etc. how OUR New Years Eve was. Now here's MY problem he sees NOTHING wrong with this!!! When I confronted him he tells me I'm crazy he's not leaving me for her I'm his wife he comes home to me everynight!!! How do I make him understand that I want/need to be his best friend and what he is doing is killing me!!!?

If he isn't in an EN he is heading that way, and you may be pushing him. Focus on meeting his needs. He is obviously getting some kind of support from this woman. Try to fill that void.

Talk to him without screaming, tell him how it makes you feel when he shares his life this way with another woman. If he says that you don't have to worry and that he doesn't want this relationship to hurt the Marriage, TELL him (without screaming) that him not wanting you to be hurt or him not wanting you to worry, does not keep you from being hurt and worrying. His actions are causing these feelings in you. Only the discontinuance of his actions will let the feelings go away.

And make sure he knows you want to be his best friend, and meet whatever needs this woman was meeting. This woman will probably not want your lose your H's companionship, she will not cooperate.

Also understand, if he is in an EN. Then he is also in the Fog. Which means he may not make rational decisions, but rather selfish ones.

Good Luck and Plan A Plan A Plan A

oh yeah, Plan A too. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Kat,
I might not have been bothered by that sort of conversation before my husbands affair, but since I found out, YES!!!. Every time he makes the slightest comment about a woman or seems to be putting another woman's interest above mine, I go nuts. It feels like the first day again when I found out. That even applies to his mother. I was shocked to feel that way and know it is ridiculous, but there it is, it's the way I feel. I was naive before and now I think you have every reason to be upset by his behavior. He is hiding something IMO.

Screaming and angry outbursts won't help your situation. Start reading about Plan A which is showing him what a wonderful wife you can be.

Kat - my husband is doing the exact things yours is doing except that I have cell phone records and a text message from him to her.

I have gotten amazing advice here. Listen to everything, read everything, and make your plan. I am doing this right now and I feel stronger every time I come onto MB.

Best wishes for a smooth ride!!
Alison

1. Read up on Plan A and about Lovebusters and Emotional Needs. Post here and practice, practice, practice.

2. Snoop skillfully, keep proof/evidence in a safe place, and control your urge to confront him -- YET.

My H came home from work one day announcing he had a "Best Friend and Confidante". The alarm bells didn't ring for more than a year or so, but by then it was too late. I went through the maze created by his fog.

Our divorce is now pending. I filed. He moved into an apartment close to the house and is a good father to our son. He refused to give up his relationship until the LAST MINUTE. By that time I was fed up and ready to move on.

I told him too much, too soon, about what I knew and about my sources. Don't make that mistake. Never reveal everything.

Take it slow and steady and post on the Boards. You will get a lot of support. These people are awesome, and the Harleys know their stuff.

Hi Kat- I really could relate to your situation- it sounds alot like what was happening in my marriage at the time my H's affair started. I would suggest you read the books "Surviving an Affair' by Harley and also Shirley Glass' book "Not Just Friends." I noticed my H"s cell phone bill had tons of calls to OW on it- be sure to check his phone records and the memory log of recent calls made on his phone.You might want to have someone follow him too- I wish I had pics of mine at OW's place. I felt in my gut that my H was involved with a coworker- he claimed they were 'just friends" well that all changed when he drove her home from the Christmas company party that spouses were excluded from ( company policy to save money.)They both had been drinking and it was her birthday! The fact that your H is in frequent contact with her and doesn't seem to SEE the danger in that is very troublesome. These affairs can explode like bad fireworks and cause all sorts of damage. Read all you can right now and gather proof quietly( check his briefcase, emails, credit card bills, restaurant receipts etc.) so that you can confront him when the time is right. And be prepared for him to lie- I NEVER thought my H would lie directly to me about whether he was involved with her but he DID. Trust your gut feelings. Take care- lifeismessy

Hi Kat,

I was never bothered or in the least bit jealous of my husbands friendships with women. He openly kept in touch with several college classmates and even a former girl friend or two over the years.

Just as in your marriage, we grew apart over the years and developed some marital issues. He became too open with one friend in particular who just happened to be in an abusive marriage. Sometime in 2002, their friendship turned into an EA and in 2003 became a PA.

What I have learned the hard way is opposite gender friendships are dangerous for married folks. Private marital details should never be discussed with opposite gender friends. OW set her sights on my H before the ink was dry on her divorce certificate and because he had confided my shortcomings to her in detail for years, she knew exactly which buttons to push to entice him into an affair.

I made the mistake of not paying any attention to red flags, or frankly not even noticing them. I thought that there was no danger of him becoming involved with an OW, especially that OW....she was fat and unattractive with really ugly frizzy hair and was a really sloppy dresser as well. She also had substantial financial problems. I remember one time about 10 years ago, when she was in town long before they became involved (fortunately she lives 3000 miles away), she was sitting at my kitchen table and I felt so sorry for her because she was so unattractive and had such an obvious crush on my husband. How dumb could I have been.

It turned out that what she did offer him was loads of ego building compliments and making him the center of her existance. Now, mind you, after a brief period her obsession with him was no longer a benefit as far as he was concerned.

The short of this is that even tho your H doesn't see anything wrong with his friendship with this woman, he is playing with explosives. Someone here used a Dr. Phil quote in their signature. It goes something like...."if you're doing something that you wouldn't do with your spouse sitting right next to you, then it's cheating."

I would have never thought that the non-sexual parts of the affair would end up bothering me more, but I find now that they do.

Who

Hi again Kat- I agree with the advice from WhoMe who posted to you after I did. It doesn't matter what the OW looks like- just the fact that they work together and confide in each other is dynamite believe me! My DH first met OW when he was promoted and we moved across the country so that he could start his new position. OW had been hired right then too and she was 'oh so friendly!' when we were moving into our new home and when DH needed to learn a new software program at work she offered to be his personal tutor.Right before our big move DH's mom had passed away after a long battle with cancer and so we had spent alot of time apart while he went back and forth to see her since we didn't live in the same state as his mom. When the papers came to be signed to settle her financial stuff OW signed them all! ( there is some rule that someone outside the family has to witness the signing of estate paperwork and of course SHE volunteered!) I didn't know all this at the time of course- I found out LATER. OW was slick- one time she offered to let me have the afternoon off on a Sunday in Dec. ( I had been a SAHM of 3 kids for 15 yrs at this point) and she had my DH bring all our kids to her condo to bake Christmas cookies- she even sent home the extra ingredients for me! I"m telling you all this because even though my 'gut' said something was wrong between DH and I, I didn't realize the scope of his involvement with her- it was nearly too late by the time I found out the truth and at that point it had only been 2 mo that their affair was physical. ALl thru their affair my DH was attending our new church with me and our kids- our pastor was excellent. We went to the early church service every Sunday and then DH would drop me and the kids off at home and say he was going to the gym- but really he was going to OW's condo. And suddenly he started 'working' Sat mornings and I'd call to say hi to him at work and just get his voice mail.By the time I found out the truth on Valentines Day ( I pressured DH till he finally confessed) it was just a few wks before OW was transferred again to a nearby state. You would have thought THAT would have split them up but NO! she drove back on the weekends while her condo was up for sale and that re-ignited everything~ Be careful! lifeismessy