I've posted before under the EN thread about living with an abusive spouse who also has MS.

Today I found a very strange e-mail he had apparently sent a few months ago to a mutual friend of ours - a woman - also married, who we've known for many years. Here's what he sent to her blackberry:

"Am thinking of you somewhat intensely.

Miss you"

Ok guys what do you think? Is this a possibel affair here?

If so then I am definitely out.

What else could explain it? Nothing that I can think of.

My gut feel us that you're right. It would certainly explain why this woman only calls my husband and never calls me - how dumb -- I thought it was just because they were old friends from work - but now I have to really start to think that something could have gone on between them.

We separated about six months ago but I went back to him because I felt guilty and stressed out about his MS. Now I find this wierd note he sent to this person. Am I just incredibly dumb? Even if it's over between them, I don;t think I can forgive something like this with a supposed friend.

And as strange as this sounds I'm not sure what to do with this information. If I confront him, he'll just deny it.
And yet this could be my out of what has been a very difficult, abusive (on his part) and sexless ( for 20 years now) marriage.

What's my next step? An affair on his part is not what I expected.

You need a response from a more experienced MBer than me. I am only 2 months away from D Day and still finding my way. Post this on General Questions II and you will get more response. Not as many people come here to Just Found Out.

mugs,
sounds pretty suspicious.
If you confront him, he will deny it, or better yet he will say it was a joke (an inside joke, "something you wouldn't understand")

What you need to do is NOT LET ON that you are suspicious. You need to collect evidence for yourself. What are your methods? Tapping the phone. This is not legal everywhere, so don't admit to doing it if you do.

What are your resources, a handy friend or brother who can help with wiring?

Does your H drive? If so, a digital voice-activated audio recorder in the pocket behind his front seat can work. Conversely, you could also hide it somewhere stealthy at home if he is home while you are away and might talk to her on the phone.

Does he use a cell phone? Do you have complete access to the records of the calls?

Do you have access to the home computer? You could secretly install key-logger software.

These are just a few of the tricks of the trade, of course in addition to good old-fashioned staking him out and drive-bys.

When would he see this OW? Where?

If you want to leave the marriage, do you feel you need the proof of adultery? If he's been that impossible, does it matter if he's cheating? By that I mean, can't you/ shouldn't you leave anyway regardless?

KEEP IN MIND THE WORD IS "SECRET" - you lose a lot of power to a lot of your options if he thinks you are suspicious. DO NOT MENTION THE TEXT MESSAGE yet to him!

An affair on his part is never what any of us expected... believe me! It was the ONE thing I thought I never had to worry about.

MSA

Hello mugs,

Even if they never had sex, you are being mutually excluded from their emotional relationship. The outsider. She is filling needs you aren't filling, and with her in the picture your H won't allow you to fill them.

The tone of the text message is just wrong for "just friends."

Time to start gathering evidence, skillfully and discretely and putting it somewhere safe for if and when you decide to use it. From my experience, it is also time to start socking away a "war chest" - cash hidden away for the period you might be separated and divorcing, to pay your expenses. Having that cash cushion will give you feelings of confidence, a sexy and attractive attribute. You will feel less dependent upon your H's admiration/approval.

When you get more proof, confront and expose. But don't reveal your sources.

Ooohh, yes! Stashing cash, very important!!

Thanks for your posts guys -- right now I'm just dumfounded to have uncovered "evidence" like this. Since I've been back with him, H has been been full of "I love yous", stopped the abuse for now, is planning our future together and telling me life would not be any good without me. So it's all very confusing. Maybe they did have something going, but it's over -- I can't tell -- and he is always home on time and always reachable by phone. I guess it doesn't matter really whether it's over or not -- it's the fact that it happened.... don't think I can overcome an affair with one of our "couple friends" -- on top of the history of control and abuse I've had to tolerate. Of course, he wants the marriage to continue -- the plan is for me to be there when his MS gets worse. Maybe a good solution for him but no real happiness in this for me. If the marraige had been good, I would never consider leaving an ill spouse - and have always had a dim view of people who cut and run like that. Never ever thought that I woueld find myself in this predicament.!!

I guess the writings on the wall for this marriage.