I have been reading about EN's and I am trying to be very loving and doing Plan A. It's difficult, but I am trying.

We do not live together and my husband and I are no longer very affectionate with eachother even when we do see each other. How can I be affectionate if he seems not to want it. I don't want to seem clingy or needy.

I kiss his cheek when he comes to see DD and we hug and kiss ob cheek when he leaves. But is he is here hanging out with us, how can I be affectionate without seeming like I am desperate??

If he will not accept affection, it is better not to press the issue. You can be upbeat and fun to be around though.

use your EYES to show affection

be playful when possible

wink and a smile

Allison,

I copied /pasted this post by Too Much Coffee Man b/c I think it may help you deal with your H's insistence that e be "allowed" to continue the "friendship" with the ow:

"""What you did, at most, was create an affair friendly marital environment but it was she who made the choice to have the affair. She had other choices like counseling and if that didn't resolve the marital issues then she could have opted to divorced you. She is not a child, she is an adult who should know right from wrong and be able to choose wisely.

As far as her continuing her 'friendship' with the OM is concerned, you might want to respectfully convey to her that those racy e-mails and words of love towards the OM are far from being platonic in nature.

You might also want to consider doing the following:

1. Ask her if the roles were reversed, would she approve of you continuing the 'friendship' with the OW? [empathy towards you].

2. Would she approve of any married man, like yourself, leading another woman on emotionally/sexually even if he had no intention of ever getting involved with her? [empathy towards the OM].

The point is that you should respectfully convey to her the wrongness of her actions so that it weighs heavily on her mind the next time she feels like e-mailing the OM."""

[color:"blue"] [/color]

Is affection his need or your need?

Good question, I think i am definitely needing it right now for sure. He is sort of reciprical so maybe that can answer it. I will take what I can get for the moment.

You are supposed to be meeting his needs. Do you know what they are?

I think the plan A is to make yourself desireable to him by stopping all the LBs, etc. You also try to meet his needs.

You need to find out what his needs are and figure out which ones she is meeting, then do a better job of meeting them. That may not be the exact wording, but the concept.

Well,, I suppose I might not know what those needs are. What he tells me is that he simply needs to feel like he can be himself around me. That honestly is what comes out of his mouth when I ask him what he needs out of the marriage.

Maybe I will ask him to take the EN quiz. Maybe then I will be able to figure out where I may be lacking in that area. Because I don't think he actually grasps the EMOTIONAL part of the needs thing...

As far as the LB's are going. LORD, I am trying so hard not to. The only thing I KEEP doing is talking about our situation (but saying how much I love him and that I am willing to make it work, etc - so not an LB I don't think...) and CRYING. I swear, he is immune to it, but I am a cryer darn it. My whole family cries like babies at anything...