I just spent the weekend with this girl I've been dating for about 2 months. It was good and for the first time I was actually intimate with someone since my exwife in terms of our openness in conversation. She brought me to her parents beach house which reminded me of my ex's parents beach house but in the middle of the night, I started to feel sad and think about how it used to be in the beginning with my ex.

My question for you all is this. How do you reinvent memories or feelings for somebody when it just feels like a sequel? and/or how do you make something special when it feels like you you've already been there and done that?

Sometimes this is a warning sign that you need more healing time on your own... without dating someone. Dating cannot heal the past, and can cause you and your new partner more pain, especially if you are having these types of "sequel" memories.

Didn't you also say on your other thread(s) that you don't want someone like your ex-W? Since she was a fix-her upper? You also said your recent dates weren't working out, yet you say, you've been dating this one for 2 months? I'm confused.

To more directly answer your question... you have to heal and separate yourself from your past... in order to build a new relationship... new memories... with your present.

Question to ponder....

In my mind, I'm thinking, with someone new, someone that you have deep feelings for, it wouldn't be a sequel it would all be new.
I think to an extent, there will be times when you realize you have done this "type" of thing before, or experienced something similar with your x, but it will be different because you are with someone different.

I think it will feel "special" if you are with someone that you are deeply involved with. If your not feeling that it's any different, perhaps there are feelings missing with this particular person.

I guess a question would be, are you over your x? To still have those thoughts made me wonder. I don't mean any disrespect, and hope you took it the way I meant it.

I will be interested to see what the others have to say.

Karona

Hey Faith and Karona-thanks for your replies! To answer your question, Faith, I guess I've known this girl for a couple months and this past weekend after only a hand full of times, we spent New Year's together. She isn't a fix-her-upper like the other ones and I understand what your saying by separating yourself with the past but that can be difficult when your brother is married to her sister and you still live in the house that you shared together. It just got so emotional for me because their were those similarities and reminders along with the fact that my ex happened to call her sister that night who I was partying with to wish her a happy new year shortly after midnight.

I'm confused...

I'm a bit dense today....

Is your brother married to x's sister, or this girl??

In either case, I think I understand your sensitivity, but that leads me to believe you are not over xw.

So, to that I would say, take a new relationship slowly and carefully.

Karona

Yes, my brother is married to my ex-wife's sister. I guess I really wanted to be with somebody this New Year's thinking it would show progress in terms of me moving on with my life but I have to be healed completely first and obviously, I'm not. I have to say that lying next to this girl last night and crying while she was asleep really shocked me. I thought I was doing o.k.

One of the things, I learned recently was the power of forgiveness. In 2006, I plan on forgiving others and myself whenever I feel bogged down because that'll help me to move forward.

I don't know you, but I'm sorry for the way you felt. It always touches me to hear of a man being sensitive.

Sounds like a good plan for 2006! One that can't lead you wrong.

Best Wishes!
Karona

You know what? I don't think relationships will feel all new. They'll feel somewhat new, but I think you'll also remember some of the old relationship. Especially if the old relationship was once good. Imagine if you were widowed instead of divorced. I don't think anyone would suggest you couldn't remember some of the old times.

Also, I think it's important to know exactly why you were sad. Was it because you missed your ex? I don't think so from what you wrote. It sounds more like you mourned the past, you missed having that kind of connection and maybe were even a little concerned about the similarities.

Also, I often find myself weepy, nostolgic, sad, meloncholy, or something unnameable on New Year's. It's the end and the beginning. It's completely arbitrary, and yet...

So, I think all that plays into it.

Thanks Karona and I hope you have a very happy 2006 as well! I noticed you've been divorced for 2 years. I was divorced on 12/10/04. I told this girl how I felt and she seemed fine about taking it slow but I'm starting to think that my plan could backfire in that having someone with you just because can make you feel even more alone if it's not the right person. How has the healing process been for you?

Ahh, rocky to say the least.

My story is long or maybe involved, but the healing has been long.

I, unfortunately got involved in a relationship WAY before I should have. I had much guilt about it, still do.
I met someone approx 3mos after h moved out. [I stayed in marriage trying to recover 1 yr after finding out about affair]

While this person that came into my life helped me, it left me feeling "wrecked". Things broke off with this guy 7 mos ago, and I'm just now feeling "healthy". My heart finally is free [I think] I have been guarded for a long time, and I finally feel that I am able to let myself go.

I always wonder how the x's marry so soon. I feel that I have had to go through so much more, to get where I am today, and my x moved in and married ow and life seemingly seems great.

I'm hoping to get to my best self, and knock someones socks off someday!

Good luck to you!
Karona