Well, my time has come that I had thought I was waiting for, for the past 7 months.

Dec. 26th I got a text message from xbf. He had said he hope my girls and I had a good Christmas and that we were doing well.
There were a couple texts exchanged, but nothing substantial said.
I traveled to see family the following day. After I got there, he again text'd me, and I told him I was out of town for a few days.
I got back into town NewYearsEve.

I had received an email from him that was very kind and letting me know of the respect he has for me, and he now knows the position I was in during the time we dated and the need to have time to figure "things" out and to grow on my own.

Quick update for someone who may not know, during the time I dated this guy {great guy by the way] he wanted a commitment bad, very bad. He wanted to be married, and I was not ready. I had come out of an 18 yr marriage, had no business being in a relationship again but none the less, I was. I was a yo-yo during the time we dated. He treated me better than I had ever been treated in my life, but it wasn't enough for me to re-marry or even talk about it.

After a few break ups on my end, me needing to learn who I was, grow, and maybe date to see what the world is about, and coming back together always, he broke up with me the last final time after spotting him with someone else. I had no idea he was dating someone else, days before he let me know how much he loved me. Anyway....

Last night, my d's and I went to the store, and we bumped into him.
He looked very sad, not his clean cut self, and lonely.

We exchanged small talk and went on our way.
Some hours later I got a text from him saying it was a mistake he had contacted me, and he could see how I felt about him.
It blew me away. What the heck was he talking about???

I got a couple more texts from him, which scared me because he sounded severely depressed. I ended up calling him because I was concerned.
He kept saying what a mess he has made of his life, and he didn't know what he was doing.......
He wanted to see me and talk to me in person about whatever this "thing" was.
Because of the hour and I had my d's, I asked him to just tell me.
He said, you know I was dating someone, I said yes,
He said, WEll, I married her!
He says as soon as he married her he realized what a mistake it was and is now getting a divorce, [I think they were married 3 wks at that point].

He of course would like to get back together with me, and he asked me if I could see that happening. I had to be honest and say no, I couldn't see it happening. [There has been too much drama and pain to go back, and I feel I need to move forward]

For the first time, FINALLY I think I can put my finger on what it was that held me back from going there in a long term with him, and it's that he seems to have depression symtpoms.

The even stranger thing is that a member here had told me her story about a Mr. Wonderful she had dated and our stories were so similar and now I find out, right down to the marriage part, so SLH, if your reading, you will see my story ended the same as yours.

Him contacting me has given me [yet again]closure that I have needed.
I have had walls up guarding my heart for 7 mos. It's not to say I'm going to run out and get involved, but I feel like my heart is free, again.

It's very sad, as this guy is really an amazing person, but if he truly has D-issues, I think it would be very hard to cope with. [I feel strongly that there are issues as his mother had told me about her own mental issues]

I have gained some knowledge that I should believe in myself more. I now know, that he truly wanted to be married above all else.

Karona

I'm so glad you shared this with us!!!!

I feel like I can relate, somewhat, because of my xBF (long-term) J. He treated me SO wonderfully. It's hard to let go of that. But I know there's reasons why i have to... and sometimes it's hard (like you've had to do) to identify or validate what those reasons are. I even allowed him to come over NYeve for a movie, drinks, and a few smooches. (that's all!!!!)

(((((Karona))))))

Thanks Faith!

It is hard. To know him as the wonderful guy that he is, but also know there is a dark side.

I feel I owe him respect for the hard time he is going through, and would like to meet with him and talk. However, I want this on friend level only.
How does that work for you and your xbf?

Thanks again Faith!
K!

the jury is still out!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> Tough waters to navigate. We tried the "friend" thing for a while after breaking up. I thought it was working, but it wasn't because he was ultimately still in love with me. We distanced ourselves more, I started dating others, which hurt him, and he started dating others. He also had that mental breakdown episode in September... and in Nov told me he didn't want to talk anymore because it hurt him too bad... because he was still in love with me. But then he came right back around to talk to me again. Ever since then, he has really seemed better about just being "friends". So... I took a risk on NYeve to enjoy a little bit of his companionship. We had a good talk about the last several months, and that he thinks he is OK with our friendship, and, overall I felt ok with everything. Sometimes he looks at me... or says something... that sortof creeps me out... like he's just desparate for me or something. Something about the look on his face says "I just can't be happy without you". Soooo.... I just dunno.

Oh my goodness....
I think we are talking about the same man.

This is exactly what I can imagine would happen with me. It's obvious that my guy is still in love with me. I have talked to a good friend of mine, and he says everyone deserves a second chance and I should consider this. To meet him and evaluate him under different circumstances, on a platonic level. He feels if I do this, my heart will be settled and have no regrets of something that could have been. His point is that I'm in a different place now, and I may see him differently, good or bad.

Maybe he is right. I feel very done with the relationship, but possibly I should do this for clarity reasons.
My biggest concern would be, that this guy understand it's as friends only.

K!

Run like heck!!

Hmm, you leave little ?? to what you could mean there Alluring.
Would you be speaking from experience? kidding with ya.

Has all contact stopped with your [x]bf?

K!

This describes my ex-WH to a tee!

K, in my limited experience, I don't think the friends thing here would work. He clearly still loves you and would always be hoping for more, not to mention that in a mere 7 mo's since you've broken up, he's already re-married, which speaks volumes re: his emotional state. You are done w/ the relationship, have closure, see some red flags here, so I say, set him free and move on....(((hugs)))

DW

I haven't heard from J in two or three weeks..I've lost count <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Thanks DW~~
I do feel he would want more, and honestly, I don't know that I could give it anymore today, than I couldn't then.

Yes, it does speak volumes that he remarried the way he did. How 'bout, the person he married, just got divorced herself 7 mos prior to marrying him. What a mess.

His emotional state is fragile. I fear for his mental state and hope he will recover.

Thank you for the advice!
Karona

There's your answer...

OY! Mess indeed.

I know you know this, but you are not responsible for his mental or emotional well being...don't let your past hx w/ him or pity or your kind heart lead you astray, ok? More (((hugs)))
[/quote]

DW

Alluring~~

Does this give you any answers? It's so hard to see when your in something, but when we step back, sometimes it was right in front of us all along. [as I'm learning]

Karona

AH, perhaps that is my answer.
My fear though is, will I recognize "the one" if/when I find them?? I think my judgement seems clouded at times, but then, after this news I have found out, I have felt like the smartest woman for a day!

"I know you know this, but you are not responsible for his mental or emotional well being...don't let your past hx w/ him or pity or your kind heart lead you astray, ok? More (((hugs)))"

Thank you for saying this to me. I do carry a load concerning his state. I worry about how fragile he is. I realize I can't control his actions, but it does bother me.

Thanks for your encouragement!
Karona

I too have learned to trust my intuition more through all the mess that I've been through. Hopefully I can put it into practice someday. From what you write I think you have a good gauge on the situation.

I think you may have to be really clear with him that your not interested in pursuing anything further. Its ok to express your concern but you don't want that to be taken as an invitiation to fire things up again, which is maybe what he is looking for?

Remember many men don't catch on to subtle (or not so subtle) hints, you need to club them over the head with it. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Miker

Karona, my first thought is how wonderfully you managed to get out from that R you were not ready for, or just had some instincts preventing you to marry him...

Then I read this:
and that confirmed even more that you are 'down to earth' and know yourself and what you really want, and you know reasons you felt they were wrong....

Then, somehow, this:
made me confused...

What did I miss to see he's still in love with you?
I see he made mistake, married too soon (how old is he???), he's sad, down, divorcing, alone, failed...
I really don't get this part...

Maybe. And it is just a maybe.

But, don't you have enough 'for clarity reasons'?
I mean, you broke up and he married someone else, and after three wks he was aware of his mistake and now is divorcing?

Don't allow memories of even the best times ever with him (and also that he is 'free' again) to cloud your guts and real picture of him you have already had...

Your big concern should be how you would feel if you get close to him and get hurt, really hurt this time.
And he should care for his own... for each of us is responsible just for ourselves' doings and what each of us allow other people to do to us...

B2M~~

"Karona, my first thought is how wonderfully you managed to get out from that R you were not ready for, or just had some instincts preventing you to marry him..."

Way too generous. I did anything but handle it wonderfully.
I drug it out way past it's lifespan [as someone gently said to me once]. I kept going back because of his kindness,probably safety, and I did love him too. Each time this "something" crept back in. It was hurtful for both of us the yo-yoing.

"and that confirmed even more that you are 'down to earth' and know yourself and what you really want, and you know reasons you felt they were wrong...."

I apprectiate this statement. It is very kind. My life has been put into perspective over the last 4 years. I have been taken down to my bare soul. To be viewed as genuine/down to earth, would make me feel very good.

"made me confused...

What did I miss to see he's still in love with you?
I see he made mistake, married too soon (how old is he???), he's sad, down, divorcing, alone, failed...
I really don't get this part..."

I didn't mean to come across that I am all that.
When I said this, it was things that were written in email, or text, or said without him actually telling me again that caused me to write this. From the things that were said, I feel he could step back into relationship and continue as he had felt before as no time had lapsed with feelings intact.
He is young, mid 30's, and yes he is all of the things you mentioned.

Thanks~
K!

OK
But, you are out now and you sound (wonderfully <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />) recovered and - strong!

Regards

B2M~

Thanks again for your reply. I hope I think I'm stronger now than I have been in the last 3 years. It's a work in progress.

To answer your other reponse, yes, there should be enough clarity.
I think I'm struggling right now with feeling that I owe him at the very least, kindness to get thru a hard time.
However, I realize this could be dangerous. I feel stronger, and that my feelings could stay in check, but I don't know that he could as he is at a low point.

You make some valid points and they very much make sense.
Thank you for your comments. They have been well taken and appreciated!

K!

Hi Karona:

To coin an old phrase; "You've come a long way, Baby..." <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

I'd say that continuing to trust your instincts - is your best choice.

Good luck.

FR