Absolutely Karona!! I've tried leaving him offline messages on Yahoo and he doesn't answer. I guess by me making a conscience effort to distance myself from him made all the difference in the world.

Miker

Thanks for the male view and the point made about being very clear.

I guess I would approach it as stating my intent, being very clear, minding boundaries, and from that point it would be up to him. I have no intention of "firing" things up again, but I do see that this could be what he may be looking for. Which makes it all very sensitive.
While I know he is vulnerable, I also don't believe in kicking someone when they're down. I know I need to tread very lightly. I hope I am able to do so without causing more grief.

Thank you!
Karona

I think this was a positive move for you Alluring.
Take it slow with the new guy okay! [just my .02]

How's your job going? Update please!

K!

Thanks FR!

My current situation reminds me of something I have been told by a friend.
My plan is to approach it much the same....
To state my intent, not be misleading, and not assume responsibility for how another feels concerning my friendship.
Knowing who I am, this will be a task, because I do tend to assume other's feelings.

Trusting my instincts?? Challenging, but necessary!
Sure would be nice to have a road map, to know the course.
I need to rely on guidance from above. I will remain close in prayer thru this situation.

K!

Oh my Karona. I go away for a week and a half and this is what I come back to? I honestly don't know what to say. I can't believe it. I guess your gut instincts were very right, even though you stuck with him for quite a while, something was never quite right, and I guess it is coming to light now.

If you feel the need to meet with him then do, he has meant a lot to you and this may put final closure on everything. Just remember to stick to your game plan.

I will write more later, but right now I am still in shock by what you have written and really don't know what to say.

I hope the rest of your holidays went well and can't wait to catch up.

Take care and God bless!

K

Wow. Your instincts were right.

OKAY, so I busted a gut with your opening line Still!

Yes, come back and write, I know you understand this from way back to the beginning.

It is very important for me to stay focused in this matter, and I will need support to keep me focused.
I have suggested to him that he might consider meds at this time because I'm not the best person for him during this time.
He says he is thinking this may be beneficial for him and is considering it along with counseling.

I really do feel this is closure that I need and a release of sorts for my heart.

Come back when you can!
K!

Amazing eh?
K!

Going slow with new guy....anxious to see/feel the outcome of this coming weekend should the weather cooperate with us and he can make the 6 hour drive.

Work is great! Thanks for asking! Have my first official big corporate meeting/luncheon tomorrow.

Woo-Hoo!! Good Luck at the mtg!

K

B2M~~~

I just got smacked in the head with the reality stick!

Back to your original question "What did I miss to see he's still in love with you"
I need to be completely honest here, and realize, I don't know what his term in love means. Love is not disposable to me.

This is not the kind of Love I desire. Love should be patient and does not up and marry this first available/willing that comes along.

K

Hi K,
Wow, as others have said, you can now see that your instincts were right all along. The good part of all this is that you can finally let go and move on.

Want my opinion? Be friendly but keep your distance... allow him to move on with his life, too. You can be most respectful by being honest with him, which is both taking care of yourself and respecting his ability to care for himself without your help.

I'm afraid if he's still carrying a torch for you, or, given his impulsive marriage, grabbing on to you like a drowning man grabbing a life preserver, your offer of friendship will be misread by him. Don't try to protect him from feeling his pain because it's his best motivation for continuing therapy and working to address his insecurity and possessiveness.

I'm sorry for his pain, but I'm glad you're now able to let go and move on. I definitely relate since I still feel hurt that XBF broke up with me, even though I was trying to figure out how to break up with him at the time! Although nowhere near as painful as when my STBXH left me for MOW, it reopened that old wound of feeling rejected and unlovable. For me, that feeling of being unlovable makes it harder to let go emotionally, even though I know intellectually my worth isn't determined by anyone else.

Your XBF's latest behavior makes it clear his "rejection" wasn't about you and your ambivalence was based on healthy instincts.

Yes LT~ being able to move on is the feeling that I have.

Yes, I want your opinion!
I have agreed to meet him at some point to talk. I hope I'm well focused at that time. My plan is to stay on mutual turf [neither his or my home] and drive myself.
I think after that time, it will be in his and my best interest to remain distant.
I really appreciate what you are saying.
I also feel he needs to heal, and my being in the picture will not help the process.

I don't like the visual you gave me on the drowning man, because that is how I see him today. Kind of scary to be honest.

I know the rejection you are speaking of. I felt that way also. And carried it onto myself, into thinking, am I capable of having a relationship. I want to let my guard down at some point and have a healthy relationship.

Thanks for your thoughts!

Any new news for you concerning divorce? I remain hopeful for you that you can put this all behind you soon.

K!

Karona,

Same here...
I cannot imagine that you can love someone, yet marry the other one, at any circumstances...

I know that different people speaking of Love are thinking of very different things...

So far you think as the one, so good...

But, in this case, you don't...

You also said:

Did he think is beneficial for him (for him!) to get meds or to be with you?
The answer might give you an additional 'clarity reason' without involving yourself with uncertain (and risky!) for your own peace (and heart <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />) outcome...

A bit, just in its essence, (maybe!) a similar story...

I met a guy a few weeks ago ('friend of a friend'), and he liked me a lot, kept calling me...
I'm really not interested in men, not yet, am not ready, (and how slow my own 'recovery and growth' go, maybe I'll never be... but I'm just fine with that... Still... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />), and I told him so... He said he accepted just to be my friend, he'd be happy with that too, "at least for the beginning" he added.
Sooo, we went for a drink, and I learnt he's getting divorced...
Even if I liked him, even a lot, I'd stop immidiately any R. Any, IF I see he liked me not only as a friend, but as a woman...
I kept asking him about that, and little by little I found the way he tells me more...

I concluded: He's not happy, and a new R would be beneficial for him, to go through D 'not alone', maybe as a revenge for his W got a new BF, who knows...
No, not with me...
I allow to be the bridge to help the one to cross over to reach happiness, together, but not to be anyone's, as a woman... 'self-consolation'...
Well, it's me... and I understand other kind of people as well... but you just seem to me stronger and much better than to be used for that... if so, for I "judge" him just according to your words here, and not knowing him at all...

PS: If someone wants to know what's happening with us... We phone and talk a lot. No, we are not even friends...
I became his counselor <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> and he's now in a nice Plan A. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
They have 12 yrs old son, and I so much hope they get back together.
Not only pray, advice him in that direction too, 'draw pictures' of what he has to change, how to behave with her... Hope I'm experienced enough. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I'm just not sure you're the right shoulder for him to be crying on... Maybe you could gently suggest he talk to a counsellor or get involved in a support group?

Cheers,

Miker

I agree with you Miker, I am not the shoulder he needs.

I have suggested to him thru email that he consider meds temporarily. He replied that he has considered that along with counseling.

I'm really struggling with the 'right' thing to do in this case.
If someone is reaching out for help, is it right to turn your back on them? That is what I'm having a hard time with.
I'm by no means trained to help him, but as someone he would listen to, I felt I could encourage him to get help before he hits bottom if he hasn't already.

Thanks,
K!

It would be awesome if he/they could turn this thing around and save what they have.

Your a good person to encourage him as you are doing. Have you told him about this board?

Best wishes to him and his family.
K.

Hi Karona-

It sounds like you have been given a lot of good advice. I still can't believe this. For him to have jumped in to something so quickly is really scarey, however, I am so glad it wasn't with you. It never ceases to amaze me what lonliness,etc. can drive a person to do.

When do you plan on meeting with him? Although you can't predict what he will say or where the conversation will totally go, be prepared on your end. Know what you want and how to say it, that way if you start feeling badly for him you are less likely to get sucked in. He obviously has deep feelings for you and also knows you to be a very caring and nurturing person, but what he needs goes so far beyond that and I think you may need to be firm to convince him. I may be wrong, but just be prepared.

You have come so far and are such an incredible person, I just don't want you to be drawn into his mess out of sympathy, old feelings etc.

So how are things otherwise? How were the holidays? Did you and the girls have a fun time? Mine went very well, but flew by way too quickly.

I am sorry I don't have a lot of advice, this simply has left me pretty much speechless. Talk about your soap operas!

I am thinking of you! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Take care and God bless!
K