H and I separated Christmas night (yeah, Merry Christmas), anyway, things had been building for awhile: background: Me41, WH45,married 15 yrs, together 18; WH had 6 mo A with single, subordinate coworker; dday 6/21/05 and we moved to my hometown area 7/05; NC since 7/05; MC 9/05....H continued to make no efforts to reconcile the R; I was so anxious about the underlying tension and anger I felt resentment building and pushed for H to leave; H said he didn't love me any more, was only with me the past 6 mos bc of our boys (7 & 11)......I have told H I prefer to deal with him via email, texting...he signed a lease for 6 mos--I was thrilled it wasn't for a year--weird, huh? Anyway, I love him, want a NEW M, but H continues to show no remorse, to blame me and to not talk or work on the M...I think we just needed space for now....so, how do I do this now? Am afraid if I give ultimatums, ie, tell H he cannot talk to me unless is willing to re-commit, I will push him farther away--we have BIG "control" issues...if I just try to figure myself out, be nice to him when we see each other at soccer, etc, is that enough? I know from our dating experience, if I don't pursue he may chase....any thoughts??

In Pain

In Pain,

I am so sorry you find yourself here, especially during the holidays, but please know that you will find contructive support, warm sympathy, and hope on this forum. First of all, read everything you can on the MB site. Most of all read up on Plan A. Please read the link in my signature.
You are not ready for Plan B. You need to do a very, very good Plan A first...
Read and learn about it, implement it. It is the first step in personal recovery and hopefully in saving your marriage.
Continue to post here. Keep your story mostly in one thread and add significant historic details to your signature. That will ensure you the best responses.

PLAN A!!!!

Is Plan A appropriate here? The contents of the original post suggest that the A was over and NC had been established since 07/05.

InPain, somehow he became detached enough in the marriage to enter an affair. Have you identified the problems that led to that? What have you been doing in the meantime to attract him back?

Is his marriage an inviting place or is it a hard place for him to be?

Also, are you certain that contact has ended with the OW? Have you been checking up on him all this time to ensure he has been trustworthy?

Hi,
We completed the EN assessment prior to dday; we have been in therapy since (/05--sporadic, due to H's work schedules....H refuses to be intimate with me, will not "work" on this (my #1 need for affection, his for admiration)....H has family hx of Depression but is in denial of this or MLC....says he didn't feel loved and instead of talking with me, chose to have A with someone who fawned over him....there have been many episodes of anger and resentment that have built up over the years--we tried to id them in therapy but H cannot get that I had reasons for my behaviors (just as he did)--he just cannot get past his hurt....I know the A is over--check cell records and have a "spy" where OW currently lives... I don't think I was able to do "plan a" while he was in the house; my H is not a talker and has not opened up as I have since dday so he hasn't been remorseful, no statement of commitment, poor effort to improve our communications and physical R---very withdrawn.....mutual decsion for him to leave--I was finding myself beginning to question if I wanted him anymore if he wasn;t going to meet me halfway--our MC even told me in a pvt session that I seemed to be "farther in recovery" than H and H "may be jealous of that"....ML:we have id'd the problems in our M--i have tried to work on them with him and have had a few small successes that are short-lived; I understand I have hurt H and he is having difficulty trusting ME just as I am coming to grips with trusting him...Can you do "plan A" while apart? Do I just be "lovingly detached" and focus on myself?

Thanks!
In Pain

So did the OW attract him by fawning over him? Is that what attracted him to her?

What have you done to similarly attract him?

If you were him and had to make a choice between you and the OW, which option would be more attractive?

When was the last time you lovebusted him? Did you lovebust him often? Can you describe the episode?

Does he feel respected as a man by you?

I am trying to get a feel for your relationship, so if you can give me the flavor of your relationship, I think folks would be better able to give you feedback.

My H is very career-oriented (USAF); seems to give him his self-worth; I have had issues with anger--both of us felt the other "should know what we want", etc--poor communication--leading to anger and resentment....Tried Plan A after dday; A kept secret from most people; tried MC but H would not do assignments, would tell MC he would work on things and not follow through; in the past I would withhold sex as "punishment" and H would withhold affection for same reason; he would sleep on the couch--spend weekends sleeping to avoid interacting with me and the kids; have tried to discuss our sexual issues (he has some ED probs--both with me and OW)but he said he couldn't "fake his feelings" and be with me, that I was "repulsive to him" (yep, that hurt); I have tried to initiate touching, intimacy,etc--get rejected... but we were in such a dance that I would try so hard but feel anger and resentment building when H would not talk or try and then I would explode--and H would say "see, there's the old In Pain" and justify his choices...so I would say Plan A was a failure, I wasn't strong enough to carry it out....the tension, underlying anger, the withdrawl and the blame had me so low I needed to start anti-ds...I felt H was becoming complacent with our set-up in "limbo land"--just go through the motions, no one knows,he could escape at work, his life at home with the kids went on as usual, dinner on the table, laundry done, kids taken care of, etc...I know longer want that M I had nor do I want the "old Mr In Pain" so we separated....now family and friends know why I have been so stressed, lost so much weight, cry at the drop of a hat, etc....but now am doing a180--keeping busy, being strong but letting family and friends "help" me out...I hope H discovers being alone (he has no family here,very few friends) is no fun but he has always been a loner so I don't know....btw--he has family hx of Depression, and I'm no expert but he is pretty low--refuses to IC or take meds (concerned his ability to do his job will be questioned)....so much of my life has been built around his career that having freedom to think about what *I* want feels very selfish............
In Pain

ML,
I don't think OW is an option, she lives in another state, H has said "if I contacted her now she probably wouldn't even know me"--also, he was "relieved" to be able to end things with her after dday.....I think she saw what a "catch" he was, pumped up his ego--they had work in common and I'm an 'outsider' in that regard...H would not do anything to risk his career(he recently became a Col) and As with military members are big no-nos--I have no doubts he will not re-start their A..............I have love busted him daily, I suppose--even when I try to meet his needs, I haven't done it correctly and H blasts me, ex: I said it has been great he has been able to get away from work to come to the kids' soccer practices, that it has been really nice--I didn't mean anything derogatory by that--I get blasted with "why do you act like I never did that before, I come whenever I can,etc"--guilt bc that is NOT the way it was prior to dday?

I don't know; it's like I was the only one he could talk to since OW was gone and I was too hurt myself and made him feel too guilty that he was angry with me--I can't be his confidant, I can't "fix" him.... He doesn't feel #1 in my life, hasn't for awhile and I have been so hung up on trying to figure out how we got here (I feel I was treated as a "mom" vs "wife") that my priorities changed.....I'm keeping contact at a minimum with him right now--texting, short phone calls as needed, etc. We will be seeing each other at the events for the kids, will be civil...I wear my wedding ring, he does not.....
What else can I tell you?

In Pain

InPain, instead of trying to figure out how you got here, why not change the way you treat him? Stop lovebusting and work on meeting his needs. Two books that would be immensely helpful are His Needs, Her Needs and Lovebusters by Willard Harley. You need to change the way you relate to each other and I think you realize that.

If you change the way you treat him, he is likely to respond in kind. But nothing can happen if you continue to love bust him. That is a sure fire way to erode love. He cannot love you if you are lovebusting him on a regular basis. And you can't love him if he is continually pushing you away. It sounds like a vicious circle that needs to be stopped.

I would also strongly consider couples counseling with Steve Harley. He is immensely effective and won't waste a minute of your time. He would be able to assess your situation and get you out of this catch-22 you are in and on the right track. He won't waste your time with foolishness, he will give you a PLAN designed for you and your H.