I would very much like my marriage to work out, BUT, and I hate to say this, WHY??? It would be best for our DD, yes. Would it be best for me, I don't know. Would it be best for H, I don't know.
ALison - it's a hard thing to see right now, but a marriage can be rebuilt and love restored. The question - do you want that? - is valid and one that you should think about. My approach through this is what so many people have been telling me - work on yourself first!! I had to find some peace and joy in my life again. ANd feel good about who I am and what I want. I needed to really separate myself emotionally form WH in order to do this. And for me - very limited contact has helped. It might not help my marriage in the long run - but it has helped me immensly. I am actually sleeping ant night now, and I was home all day and id not think to call my WH or email me. He told me last night that he might call tonight - I am not waiting up for it. If he does I will be pleasant, listen and not talk about any issues. The time for that is on Firday when we meet with our marriage counselor again (last time was a BUST!). It's a good thing I really like this counselor - I think she at the very least will hlpe us refocus.

Jan

I know, I realize that. I want to, but right now I am just not sure... And OMG - I don't ever think anyone is being mean - constructive criticism is good... I am the first to admit my flaws. I am just not sure what I SHOULD do...

Well, you don't have to DO anything. Read up about Plan A. Relax. Enjoy the feeling that you are making progress in exposing the affair. Sometimes it's good to just sit and watch things unfold.

We know how you feel. It's OK to question. Just consider this: You can always get a D. That's the easy way out. And, if you ultimately choose to go that route, no one can blame you. You have that right.

But, you did love your H before this began. Deep down, you still love him. You are simply shocked and horrified at his betrayal.

You need the time to establish if your H is somewhere still inside that body now possessed by an alien. Most WSs come to their senses within 6 months - but not without a lot of kicking and screaming.

The addiction analogy is referred to over and over here because it is true. Your H has literally become "addicted" to the feelings that result from this illicit EA. He is going to have to go "cold turkey", endure Withdrawal, and it won't be a pretty sight. But, with your love and support, he has the best chance of getting there.

You have done an enormous amount of work in a brief amount of time. The others are right. Go dark for tonight. Let him stew. Take care of yourself. Nothing needs to happen in the next 24 hours. Everything he is saying to you now is FogTalk.

You are doing great.

Alison- Breathe. Calm down.
You can't make any big decisions right now in an emotional state. Even if you decide not to recover your marriage, we are at least giving you the tools to keep from being railroaded, used, or driven crazy by self-doubt.

The only thing I ask you do tonight is call his parents, tell the about the "graphic evidence" you were told about by OWH and that there is NO DOUBT he is involved in an affair.

The rest can wait.

Dont respond to further emails tonight. DONT LET HIM COME OVER.

No he is definitely not supposed to be in NC. In Fact - he told me that he would not give up the friendship for the sake of our marriage - he said NO - If I did that what would I have to change for you nexttime...

Alison,
Yup, prepare for the roller coaster ride and slow down.

Pretty much myself and the friends I have watched go thru this have had the same reaction - one day you want to work things out if he does, the next day you don't, the next day you feel incredibly strong, the next day you feel unbelievably weak and scared, then you do want things to work out again, then you don't care, then you think it's up to you, then you think it's up to him...

One of the universal things about the next few months is surely that you will marvel yourself at how your feelings can change from one moment to the next, from one day to the next.

I promised myself I wouldn't take any action until I could decide it, feel certain about it, be calm about it, and feel the SAME WAY about my decision for a few weeks or months at a time. I set LONG-RANGE timelines; like Christmastime last year I was saying "Maybe by St. Patrick's Day I'll have a better idea of what's going on" etc...

MSA

I agree that you don't always have to be "doing" something. Let me share something that has helped me--this is a battle, a spiritual battle between good and evil. At least that is kind of how I see it. And God promises us that the battle is His--yes, we need to do some of the work--but let Him do some, too. It's for your best interest to sit back and pray. In the bible, it talks of battle, and how the first tribe God sent out was Judah--the tribe of worship (hope I am getting this right)--so, as our first defense in battle, we have worship as a weapon. Why not get off computer for awhile, get baby in bed, take a bubblebath and put on some praise music or read some psalms out loud. Praise God through all of this. That helps keep me sane. Always remembering that He loves me no matter what--and loves WH the SAME way. (That helps me immensely in the bitterness area).
Sometimes I have a hard time even getting prayers out. I am so hurt and so lonely or so sad, but when I have those moments, I try to read a psalm out loud.
I will post the lyrics to a song in a minute that has helped me, too.

Intexas, I see pregnancy hormones haven't clouded your brain!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

MSA

24 Hours - not possible - he is supposed to come to see DD tomorrow. So what do i do when I see him???

Here's the lyrics. You may have heard this before. It's very popualr right now. The beginning is talking about losing a child, but it says "when the SACRED is torn from your life..."
Well, marriage is sacred. I think so. So on many levels, this song has reached my heart. I like especially the part that says "can we not wait.."
Wait on the Lord, Alison. And let Him hold you.
(Hope I'm not sounding too mushy babbly, etc. This has just really helped me.)

Artist: Natalie Grant
Song Title: Held lyrics

Two months is too little.
They let him go.
They had no sudden healing.
To think that providence would
Take a child from his mother while she prays
Is appalling.

Who told us we'd be rescued?
What has changed and why should we be saved from nightmares?
We're asking why this happens
To us who have died to live?
It's unfair.

Chorus:
This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we'd be held.

This hand is bitterness.
We want to taste it, let the hatred know our sorrow.
The wise hands opens slowly to lilies of the valley and tomorrow.

(Chorus)
This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we'd be held.

Bridge:
If hope is born of suffering.
If this is only the beginning.
Can we not wait for one hour watching for our Savior?

(Chorus)
This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we'd be held.

And thanks Mrs. S--I was beginning to wonder what brain cells I'd have left after all this!

Uh-huh...right! Who knows? The very next time you catch him committing adultery, you might want him to stop then too. Whew!

You know, if you think about it, you're the one in the driver's seat now. Brit told you about the "subpeona duces tecum" thingy. That video is powerful evidence. I think in lawyer-speak it's called "compelling," isn't it?

BTW, why do attorneys say everything in Latin? Couldn't "subpeona duces tecum" be called a "third party summons" or something? Geez!

Anyway, I did a Google search on obtaining subpoenas and it looks to me that your attorney can get one with very little effort. I may be reading too much into this, but OWH's reluctance to watch it (and to let you see it) tells me that it is indeed "graphic" evidence. You may not actually want to see it. Do you have a trusted person who could do that for you (or maybe your attorney)? From what I've seen in threads out here, actually seeing WS and OW can inhibit the reconciliation process, assuming you get that far.

Look gorgeous. Act normal. Be in PlanA. No D talk. No argueing over whether or not the A really happened. Focus on DD.

Your H is in trouble; you're not.

Wow - when you said the word graphic, my tumyy dropped about a foot. It is very hard for me to think abou that. I am sure it is graphic and that is fine. do I want to see it. don't think so. If my attorney does get it, she can watch it and tell me if it is incriminating enough. I don't need to replay that in my head for the rest of my life.

OMG _ i feel like i am having a panic attack right now.. just thinking about what i might see on the tape...

okay - i am just gong to try to breath righ now...

Alison..calm down. Don't borrow trouble imaging what's on that tape.

You've got the guy by the gonads and he knows it. He's hysterical so don't take anything he says to heart. Understand that it's the addiction and it's making him into someone your husband would despise.

Now that this mess they created has been exposed, it'll soon become a nightmare if not already. You do need to contact their human resource department and finish exposure.

Make notes of all that happens and make a hard copy of e-mails. Store them with a friend or relative.

Calm down and know you're in control.

Stay calm. We all go through the "graphic" part. It still makes me want to puke after 3 years.

I think you need to just do nothing for awhile. You've been very busy and have a great start.

I unfortunately feel like my family is in trouble. I know the I am in control right now, but none the less we are in trouble.

H just called, sweet as pie telling me all about his work and stuff. I was very sweet to him. He said he had to go pick up something to eat and I said that I had some pasta here if he wanted it... I think I can try very hard to do this and try to so Plan A (with a little 180 thrown in there). Trial and Error, BABY!!!

ThE ONE THING THAT FRIGHTENS ME IS THAT HE IS NICE TO ME ON THE PHONE (shoot I hate caps lock) but I am terrified that he is going to let me have it when he gets here...

ADVICE NEEDED LIKE IN THE NEXT 30 MINUTES!!!

Ok - I'm back.
I had to go back and read some post history - I was afraid I had missed a ton of info somewhere and might be making comments without all the info. Whew!

Ok Alison - I've put a hold on the shipment of the 2000 lb anvil for now. You've had a big workout. Now you're drained. You really need to recharge your batteries. Your ability to keep your emotions in check is directly proportional to the amount of rest you get. I suggest you snuggle up on the couch with DD and watch cartoons. Requires little or no thought process and you can research all of my best conselling techniques.

Repeat after me....DUCK SEASON! RABBIT SEASON! DUCK SEASON! RABBIT SEASON!

Now - go rest and be well.

Oh, goodness, I didn't think. I'm so sorry. I meant to reassure you that you were actually the one in control, not your husband. That's all. Please accept my sincere apologies.

The duck season, rabbit season thing is WAAYYYY over my head - I have no idea what you are talking about. I would like to rest, but H may be stopping by... Besides DD had a little fever so she is up and ready to roll...