Alison, how would it help if you don't identify the people? That makes no sense.

Alison, you've come a long way in the past few days working toward breaking up your husband's affair. You've got some very compelling evidence (not just the video tape), you've caught him clearly lying a couple of times (restaurant #2, et al, and Verizon account access, plus ***), he's failing in his responsibilities to his daughter (I hope you're keeping a journal. You ARE, right?), and he's jumping around like a kernel of popcorn in a hot pan.

But...all of this, whether you realize it or not, has all been a prelude to slitting a hole in the side of their little hot-air balloon of a fantasy and letting all the air out. Everything you've done so far is "information gathering," for lack of a better term.

Listen to the men and women out here who have already gone through this phase and gotten their lives and marriages back together. Exposure is the single, most important thing you can do to bust this thing wide open. You have proof of that. Your husband was worried stiff last night that you've already done it and, while he's relieved this morning because you haven't, he's still scared you will. He knows the effect it will have. Affairs, and I hate that term, are in the same category as roaches and slimy things that crawl from under rocks. When the rock is turned over, the slimy things crawl away as fast as they can--their seamy little world cannot handle exposure.

Let me piggyback on things Melody and jph have said. I don't believe God is telling you not to expose. God wouldn't do that, after showing you this website where exposure is KNOWN to be the most effective tool you have. It's not His way to show you the path out of your difficulty, and then tell you not to.

What it is, is a little (very human) trepidation at the enormity of what you're about to do...but you've subconsciously been practicing to do it. You exposed to your mother first, and now you took another step forward and talked to WH's mother this morning. I've come to know you a little bit through your words. I'll bet you were nervous and dreaded it, didn't you? But you did it, you got past it, and now you have another ally in the war to stop the affair. Though fearful beforehand, it was a very positive step, wasn't it? It wasn't as intimidating as talking to your husband's HR manager is in your mind right now, but the thought of talking to your mother-in-law (no matter how supportive she's been in the past) made you pause for a while, didn't it?

It's the same with exposing at work. It looks right now like it's a mountain. It'll be a low hill in retrospect. Alison, the folks out here can help you through this too. It's just one more step on the road to a marriage you can be proud of.

You're getting great advice Alison.

Do you realize that if you expose to the workplace today, that the business trip - the trip on which your H and ow are schheduled to go away TOGETHER - will probably be CANCELLED ???

Think about that. Do you think God wants your H to go away and committ further adultery with this homewrecker, unimpeded, while you and your DD stay at home, you worried sick over it?

You have been handed a golden opportunity to short circuit this. I know you feel you can't stand the pressure. But, this is hardball. This is tough. Gather your courage. It's in there.

Praying for you.

Okay you guys. I am "thinking" about it. My stomach is truning and turning and I am on the verge of a panic attack. Can't I use to work thing as any sort of leverage for him to end the affair??? I AM TERRIFIED...

Also - if I didn't mention the names - they would still KNow who it is because there are only 3 managers in MD...

Can't I just call OWH and scare him into thinking that yes, I want to save my marriage so badly that I am willing to call there HR Dept in order to stop the affair

No, that's blackmail and that won't get you the response you want or need. It's not enough to threaten. He'll learn to live with threats. What he doesn't know you as is a woman of ACTION. He's slowly learning that you CAN take care of business.

This is about turning the light on in a room full of sin. Things shape up a lot quicker when the light is turned on.

Alison if you don't mention names, they'll think you are a spiteful employee or a nut. Be honest. Don't stoop to their level by playing games.

What about some of his friends who will be at the meeting?? Some already know I believe there is something going on between them. Should I call them and tell them that I now have proof???

Calling him and threatening him will not end the affair. It will only cause him to go further underground so he can continue his affair. He will be sneakier and just lie better.

And he will also know you are TOO SCARED to bust him and were only bluffing him. He can then contact the HR department himself and tell them he is seperated and his wife is a crazy jealous paranoid nut who is suspicious of all his female coworkers. Then when you do call, they will ignore you becasue they will have been forewarned you are a nut.

Alison, don't throw away the most potent weapon you have against this affair.

You can't do this anonymously, because that is what pranksters do. It will not be taken seriously.

You can't do this via OWH because it won't work.

You can't bluff because you will be viewed as "crying wolf".

You can't do anything but...do it.

You have to do it, do it the right way, and do it today.

I will tell you, very seriously, in hindsight, that if there was anything - ANYTHING - that I could have done to stop what went on between my H and the ow - I would have done it.

If you don't, you will kick yourself for the rest of your life.

Alison -
NOT exposing at my FWW's work is one of the SINGLE MOST PAINFUL MISTAKES I HAVE EVER MADE IN MY LIFE. I could have avoided so much heartache. I can't even describe how I feel today for not having done that back then.

Gut wrenching.

Alison,

All of us who've gone through this nightmare look back in hindsight. And we see the "clues" that we overlooked; the missed chances to expose; the very real mistakes that delayed the ending of the A.

You are making a mistake by letting this business trip go forward when there is something you can do.

Think about it from H/ow's perspective: This trip may represent their last "chance" at togetherness (OK, gag, vomit. yuck, double yuck).

You can stop it. Think about how much harder it will be when they come back from their tryst; do not delude yourself, it will be a tryst.

Be strong. We are rooting for you.

Alison, calm down. YOU are in charge, remember? Keep that in the forefront of your mind at all times. You're working to get your marriage back. You are doing what is necessary.

You guys. I can't do it!! I can't... I said before I wasn't even sure that I wanted to be with this man after all of this. I am very doubtful in myself that I can ever trust him again. I do not think I will ever be able to get over any of this. I know you guys say that it can be done, but I am very doubtful... I know myself very well, and I know that DD and I will be okay without him - I am not sure I can forgive him for what he has done to so many people. I am not sure I care if they are together anymore - he is ruined to me... I don't see him as my amazing, pure of heart, husband anymore. I have got to feel like I can get over all of this... I have found out a lot on info lately and I am still crazed by it...

I hope that you all understand this, Please do!!!!! I don't know what I want, I just don't know what I want...

I am sure you are all frusterated with me and I am sorry. I am hurting, I am scared, I am pissed. I have to sort out my feelings and make myself a better, stronger person - I don't think my H can help me with any of that, so why would I want him???

VERY VERY CONFUSED!!!

You are right. Your H cannot help you with any of this.

Right now.

Right now, your H is in the throes of an addiction worse than alcohol, worse than heroin.

And you, by not calling his job and exposing, are enabling him. You are being an enabler. And, you are abandoning him when he needs you the most. He just doesn't know it yet.

I am sorry. I know how much this hurts. It's terrible. It is the worst.

I've said this before, but you wouldn't abandon him if he had cancer, would you?

You can always get a D after all is said and done. Right now you need to throw yourself 1000% into doing the best for your M.

And the roller coaster starts going down....................

You are new in this. Don't obsess about things right now. In a couple of hours you will feel differently. Tomorrow, who knows?

Try to do something nice for yourself. You deserve it.

This is the one ride in the park that makes me sick.

Every time.

Just got back from therapy. I love therapy!! I am getting a bit more info on his companies policies, etc... Again, still have not made up my mind, but I will let you know if I do...

Consider this a fantasy letter from the OW to you:


Dear Alison,

I just wanted to thank you for not saying anything to our work. Without you, your H and I would not be able to be with each other. We are both so grateful you did not reveal anything to our company. I just wanted you to know that the next trip we take together we will be thinking of you as we hold each other closely and agree on how generous you were to helping us keep our A going.