While following many of the postings/profiles on this forum, have you noticed how many of us had been in a relationship of 20+ years before the affairs started, or were we just too busy raising our children, to notice the same pattern years ago?<P>After reading all of the nonsense the adulterers are putting their spouses through, many who seem to be experiencing some kind of middle age crisis, I guess we can be grateful that when we were trying to instill values and be role models for our family, our spouses were not playing these BS games. Otherwise, not only would we be posting here, but also our children or their wives/husbands. What in the hell is happening lately?<P>------------------<BR><BR>SUCCESS STORY<P>

I'm on my second marriage, been married over 9 years. <P>First marriage was peppered with infidelity all over. This one is different. <P>There are quite a few posters with 20year marriages that are experienceing their first affair. <P>But we aren't all in that situation.

I fall into the 20+ year category. Unfortunately, this wasn't H's first affair. I was just too busy raising kids to confront him about the suspicions (sp) I had early in the marriage. So now, we are dealing with all of his affairs at once. I'm not sure if it is better this way or not. It would have been easier to deal with them one at a time, but I don't think I would have had the strength or the commitment to my marriage back then.

I fall into the 20+ year category also, and as far as I know this is my H's first affair. I think that good values have been instilled in our older children, but we still have four at home who now have an alien for a role model. Our oldest appear to be strong enough to resist his attempts to convince them that leaving his family was the right thing to do, and provided them with a "good lesson". I guess he was correct when he told the counselor that he and I have different goals and attitudes (now, anyway).

triple post<p>[This message has been edited by Nellie1 (edited September 29, 1999).]

triple post<p>[This message has been edited by Nellie1 (edited September 29, 1999).]

I definitely fall in this catagory. Been married 27 years, this is his first affair, he is living with her now. I think some of it has to do with the fact that our children are raised and now for the first time in 20+ years we are alone and don't know how to deal with each other. We both went through the empty nest problems, but he had extra problems of dealing with turning 50 and not seeing that he had accomplished anything in his life. I think he is trying to do his life over orsomething I'm not sure what.<P>------------------<BR>di<BR>

I fall in the 25 year category. Dated four years before that. H has said he doesn't know what he wants to do with the rest of his life, etc, etc, etc. Kids are gone ... had some financial pressure because of new house. Blah blah blah. Why didn't he start taking Prempro like I did?<P>He also is sooo afraid of looking old. He runs so much he looks like a little old man all withered up...

<P>why are there so many affairs and married couples seeking divorce?<P>Here are 10 reasons I beleive it is becoming a National crisis.<P>1. There are approximately 76 million baby boomers. Most of the people married 20-25 years are probably baby boomers.<P>2. Society has excepted divorce as the solution to unhappy marriages.<P>3. Baby boomers have grown up with unrealistic expectations of their marriage and there spouse. They beleive that they should be happy, and if there not, they simply need to have an affair with someone who makes them feel good, or get divorced and find some one new.<P>4. There has not been enough articles published about how marriages can be saved, and that the vast majority should be saved. There are solutions to overcoming barriers in marriage. The greatest hope for healing is by staying together and working through it.<P>5. Our Nation has approximately 5% of the worlds population, and has approximately 60% of the Lawyers in the World. If you are involved in the divorce process, Lawyers are not inclined to help a couple stay together. Its bad for business.<P>6. We do not require continual education for couples who marry, nor are we given a marriage manual when we do first marry. For people like me, I didn't have a clue about all the changes that would take place during my marriage. Dealing with the first child, dealing with balancing work and family, being prepared for the empty nest syndrome.<P>7. The movies portray sex & affairs as very romantic. It creates such excitement that everyone wants to experience what they have been missing. Unfortunately they end up learning the difference between the pain of discipline versus the pain of regret. The pain of discipline weighs ounces. The pain of regret weighs tons.<P>8. People are affraid to talk openly about their marriage relationships, with friends and relatives. Affairs are kept secret, to not embarrass or hurt others. Instead of learning from other peoples mistakes, we have to go out and experience it first hand. There is so much that could be shared with each other, if we <BR>would stop judging or condemning<BR>those that have had affairs and learned from there painfull experience.<P>9. We have forgotten how to love one another. We have come to believe if you do not feel love for your spouse, you no longer can be in love with your spouse. Couples need to learn how to rekindle their love for one another. The love is there, its just buried below all the pain and resentment.<P>10. We need to get closer to God and become spiritually connected. For myself and many others we have spent the last 20+ years chasing careers and success. and lost sight of the importanance of family.<BR>I finally realized something was missing, and it was that I had grown apart from my spouse. We no longer knew each other.<BR>God wants us to be married, and I beleive what were experiencing is an opportunity to reach out to Him for help. To become closer and more whole.<P>Just some of my thoughts. Would love to hear what others think.<P>At times I feel my purpose for being here is to bring about change. Through my experience, and my ability to be open and honest about my past and the damage it has done to my family. I believe my role, along with others on this site, is to help with a National crusade. A crusade that would lower the divorce rate, educate society that divorce is not the answer. Bring back the specialness of marriage. Teach about love and forgiveness. <P>I believe we need to do two things.<BR>Develop our spirituality, and learn to love one another.<BR>