|
Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 27,069
Member
|
Member
Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 27,069 |
I think this is all a smoke screen to keep the lovers from being exposed at their work. WH wants to turn the blame on you, and give you something else to worry about.
Last night it was that you wanted him killed. Now it is that he will take your daughter away.
He is stressed because he knows that he is having an affair and is about to depart on a little love fest financed by his employer. He doesn't want any "problems".
I was hoping that the OW would try to save her marriage by not going. Afterall she has 2 children to think about, and her husband is seeing an attorney.
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 469
Member
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 469 |
ow is a skank. Period. She thinks she can get away with it. She may also know that unless there are pictures of her beating her kids bloody, no judge will terminate her maternal rights. The xow in my situation had 2 kids, also. She emotionally neglected them through her (at least) 2 affairs, to the point where the boy was a crystal meth addict, and in jail, and the girl was sleeping with anyone who'd look her way.
me-FBS M-6/84 3 great kids
A-2/03-5/04 DDay-5/8/04 WD - severe-5/04-9/04 with continuing C; NC ltr-9/3/04
In Recovery with God's help
Praying for all WS/BS. Blessings!
|
|
|
|
Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 551
Member
|
Member
Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 551 |
Hi - good morning and thank you all for your kind words and support. He did come over and I was sleeping when he got here. He came in and immediately gave me a hug and appologised. i told him I am not going to be treated that way ever again.
I told him I used to think he was a strong and powerful man, and that lately it seems he is being ruled/governed by someone else... I said I am your wife and I will come first always.
I told him that no other woman will ever come before me and his DD. I told him that he has chosen to move out of this house away from his wife and his daughter. I said I am not going to sit here and watch you or let you intentionally hurt me and our DD.
Separated: 12/18/2005
|
|
|
|
Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 551
Member
|
Member
Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 551 |
Sorry - I wasn't finished, but it sent anyway.
I told him that if he really wanted to save this marriage that he really had to WORK on it and that means be with me, trust me, stop the Traci "friendship" crap.
I told him he is of course allowed to have female friends but the minute I feel that relationship has crossed the line, that is when it will stop... I said I am supposed to be #1 and you chose not to treat me that way and I will not stand for it.
I think when he gets back I may try a Plan B... He really needs to understand what he has done... And what he is losing. Cuz - he is losing me real fast with all this bullsh*t and abusive language...
Separated: 12/18/2005
|
|
|
|
Joined: Mar 2003
Posts: 2,023
Member
|
Member
Joined: Mar 2003
Posts: 2,023 |
Alison, you need to understand that this affair they are in is not at all unique. Many of us have experienced similar situations as you have this week. It is all part of the drama and rollercoaster of A's. It is obvious even by his reactions that this is an affair.
Try and see this as a war you are engaged in. Please don't give up and let the 'enemy' win. This is far from unique...it may feel like this A is different and worse than others but it really isn't at all. If you heard what I went through you wouldn't believe it.
Please take the advice to expose at his company. Take the advice of those of us that have the benefit of hindsight.
Try really hard to detach your emotional responses and not react to what his barbs. Do all you can to remain the sane one...be calm, firm, and continue with Plan A. You aren't in this long enough to go to plan B, IMO.
Expose this morning.
Married 1976 Me:BS Him:FWS MB Weekend March 2003 2 S's: '77 & '80, 1 D: '82
|
|
|
|
Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 551
Member
|
Member
Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 551 |
Believer - she is a cold heared B who doesn't give 2 sh*ts about her marriage. All she cares about is screwing up my marriage. She told me she can't stnad her H and that she doesn't love him and never has, so that marriage is a dfinite lost cause...
Separated: 12/18/2005
|
|
|
|
Joined: Dec 2004
Posts: 401
Member
|
Member
Joined: Dec 2004
Posts: 401 |
Sure he was nice. He has to smooth things out for the trip so he can have fun with the OW.
Have you made arrangements with your local affair buster to "drop in" on them?
Are you going to get the exposure finished up TODAY so that you can stop enabling them?
Praying for you today Alison. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
Me (BS) 36
FWW 35
Married 5/25/91
DS-7
DD - Born 11/8/05 !!!
PA #1 12/1996
PA #2 4/01 to 1/04
NC 1/04
There are people in the world so hungry, that God cannot appear to them except in the form of bread.
- Mahatma Gandhi
Don't think exposure is a good idea? Go here...
From Harley Himself
|
|
|
|
Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 551
Member
|
Member
Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 551 |
I am going to call the company later today. they are in CA so the time difference. I am first going to see what the policies are... Then I will make my decision...
Separated: 12/18/2005
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2004
Posts: 1,719
Member
|
Member
Joined: Nov 2004
Posts: 1,719 |
Ok Allison time for the big guns. I would let company know that your M was great until OW showed up and chased your H and offered him her services ect. Make her out to be the predator and that you also except the fact that WH is also wrong. I would also let company know taht you want to save your M but with this predator around it is just not working because of her sabotaging with her words ect and things she says you said. All of which are lies.
married 21 Together 26 - OW 2yrs, he worked with her and found secret e-mail account.The first cut is the deepest. just found out H is a serial cheater - total cut to pieces now- saw a D lawyer today.
|
|
|
|
Joined: Mar 2003
Posts: 2,903
Member
|
Member
Joined: Mar 2003
Posts: 2,903 |
Whoa, Whoa, Whooooooaaaaaaa here.
You have been riding your horse at break neck speed, no wonder you are running out of energy. This is a Loooooong process, reconciling, recovering, and your intense passion will WEAR YOU OUT. No wonder you are ready to give up so soon, I would too if I had been living on as much adrenaline as you had.
Please, please, please, go back and read everything you can the Harley's have written on this website. Get the book Surviving an Affair.
Take out from your brain any notion that Plan A, Plan B, 180, or any other plan will MAKE your WH DO anything. This is not a manipulation, not a game, not a scheme to GET the WS to act a certain way.
The Harley's plan is to begin to love and respect each other in a M so you can both fall back in love with each other. Because your WH is so far removed from the M, much of this burden to repair your part of the M is up to YOU.
As in most M, there is a great deal of disrespect that occurs...on both sides. Over years this tears down the love you have for each until an OP swoops in, pays the WS respect and kindness, and slowly (or all of a sudden) the grass looks greener.
In my situation, I was not happy with the person I had become, and how I had let myself talk to my H...the disrespect and unkindnesses. I knew I had to fix that about myself, if not for him, then for the next guy... This is what Plan A is about, showing him how a M could be. Showing him you are learning how to love in a more respectful way. It ALSO includes not allowing him to treat you disrespectfully, out of a committment to preserve the love you have for him. Sometimes you have to remove yourself from the situation...not to make him miss you, or to manipulate him, but to not allow him to hurt you, and lower the love you have for him.
That's where Plan B comes in...when you begin to feel you have made those changes, shown him you have chaged over a length of time (2-6 months?), then to preserve the love you have for him, and keep from getting hurt again and again by having the A shoved in your face, you move to Plan B.
You do not use Plan B as a retaliation, or a manipulation. Yes, there are side effects to Plan B...he will miss you, and it will give the OP a chance to show their true colors. But without a successful Plan A, Plan B generally falls flat and accomplishes nothing...other than allowing the BS time to get used to a D.
Soooooo, slow down...read...not just the forum but the website too...and learn to love...
Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we are here we might as well dance!
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 469
Member
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 469 |
ow will suddenly "wake up" and start to care "big time" when your H dumps her. She was b***sh*****g about her marriage. She is classic "cake-eater" having it, and eating it, too.
My H's xow was full of this, too, always telling anyone who would listen how her H was a jerk, she never loved him, was leaving him. Oh my, guess what? After H dumped her she suddenly "discovered" how much it meant to have someone "totally committed to her". As far as anyone konws, the happy couple are still together.
My bet: When Traci finds out her fantasy is crumbling, she will go running back to her H, full of committment talk, lie her a** off to him about how your H "pressured" her into the A. Wait & see.
I am so glad you are calling the calling the company.
Good for you. Stay strong. You did well this morning.
me-FBS M-6/84 3 great kids
A-2/03-5/04 DDay-5/8/04 WD - severe-5/04-9/04 with continuing C; NC ltr-9/3/04
In Recovery with God's help
Praying for all WS/BS. Blessings!
|
|
|
|
Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 551
Member
|
Member
Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 551 |
I am just so tired of this and of him. He told me that the night they were followed that they knew it and Traci said she didn't care and that they just sat in the car. H said for me to get the tape, there is nothing on it. He also told me exactly what OWH said to me and I never told him what OWH said to me about anything... This is why I want more proof...
I want badly to bbe in the parking lot where their cars are when they get back from the trip.
I really feel like when H gets home that I don't really want to speak to him about any of this anymore... I am tired of talking - nothing ever gets through - He never says anything but hurtful stuff anyway - so what is the point in even trying. why am I subjecting myself to this kind of treatment???
Separated: 12/18/2005
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 469
Member
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 469 |
The roller coaster - it's going down again.
Stick to your resolve. Call the company.
me-FBS M-6/84 3 great kids
A-2/03-5/04 DDay-5/8/04 WD - severe-5/04-9/04 with continuing C; NC ltr-9/3/04
In Recovery with God's help
Praying for all WS/BS. Blessings!
|
|
|
|
Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 551
Member
|
Member
Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 551 |
Oh I did give him a bit of an ultimatum about MC - I said I will be making and MC appointment in the next 2 weeks and if you choose not to go then I will know if you truly want to save this marriage or not.
I know, No MC while the affair is still going on. And I know, that at this point since he is eating cake, he will do whatever just to appease me and keep his nasty wh*re on the side...
Separated: 12/18/2005
|
|
|
|
Joined: Dec 2004
Posts: 401
Member
|
Member
Joined: Dec 2004
Posts: 401 |
(((Alison)))
This is probably the least fun thing to do...EVER. But you're doing it. Keep your seatbelt snugged up.
And call that company in another 20 minutes when they open up!
Me (BS) 36
FWW 35
Married 5/25/91
DS-7
DD - Born 11/8/05 !!!
PA #1 12/1996
PA #2 4/01 to 1/04
NC 1/04
There are people in the world so hungry, that God cannot appear to them except in the form of bread.
- Mahatma Gandhi
Don't think exposure is a good idea? Go here...
From Harley Himself
|
|
|
|
Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 551
Member
|
Member
Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 551 |
What is it that I ask them?? How do they handle infidelity in the workplace or fraternizing between managers???
I want it to sound good. Wait - I think there is a thread anout this. i will look back..
Separated: 12/18/2005
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 469
Member
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 469 |
Many here say MC is worthless while the A is still going on. While I agree it will do very little, I am not convinced of it's complete "worthlessness".
C was going on when H & I went to MC. And, although I ultimately refused to go back, after 5, or so sessions, and NC did not become a reality until 4 months after Dday, I later found e-mails from H to the ow, in which he quoted things the MC had said to him, such as "Your continuing to talk to the ow is a continuiation of the A". So, looking back, I think that while he was fighting to keep his addiction going, little bits of the MC wisdom were filtering through.
Of course, all C has to be broken for your M to heal. But, I also believe that when ow sees your H going with you to MC, she is going to see the handwriting on the wall, and go running back to her H.
me-FBS M-6/84 3 great kids
A-2/03-5/04 DDay-5/8/04 WD - severe-5/04-9/04 with continuing C; NC ltr-9/3/04
In Recovery with God's help
Praying for all WS/BS. Blessings!
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 469
Member
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 469 |
Just say it. Say, "Hello. I would like to know your policy on infidelity between married co-workers."
Nothing is better than the uncomplicated truth.
me-FBS M-6/84 3 great kids
A-2/03-5/04 DDay-5/8/04 WD - severe-5/04-9/04 with continuing C; NC ltr-9/3/04
In Recovery with God's help
Praying for all WS/BS. Blessings!
|
|
|
|
Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 551
Member
|
Member
Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 551 |
I don't think OW would care if H and I were in MC because she has all the power over him.. It is very scary to me how wrapped around her little finger he is.
Thinking of them together makes me never want to "be" with my H again. He is disgusting and dirty to me right now...
I know I now have to follow through with the MC thing, so I will do it, but H is in such denial - he will deny it to the counselor, will they see right through his BullSh*t??
Separated: 12/18/2005
|
|
|
|
Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 551
Member
|
Member
Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 551 |
OMG - can someone do this for me please. My stomach is in knots and I am just sick... I know I am not actually doing anything, I just can't get up the nerve..
Separated: 12/18/2005
|
|
|
0 members (),
466
guests, and
130
robots. |
Key:
Admin,
Global Mod,
Mod
|
|
Forums67
Topics133,625
Posts2,323,524
Members72,038
|
Most Online6,102 Jul 3rd, 2025
|
|
|
|