I don't think you'll cry. And, even if you do cry, that's fine. Actually, it's better because it will send the message of how bad this really is.

I never did say I was very mature...

Alison, again you don't WANT to do it. It's a choice, remember. It has nothing to do with can't, but won't.

No one will think you are crazy. And whether they do anything about it or not, that is not for you to worry about at this point. You will make them aware & they will NOT like it knowing the potential implications if they A breaks up, lost work productivity, etc. It will not make for a comfortable work place. And I would bet they WILL do something about it.

Expecting someone else to do it for you is NOT going to be the necessary change in your own behavior that YOU need to demand the respect you deserve. You have to do this for you, your DD & your family. Just imagine if you save your M & your WH actually changes & becomes a better H & father. You DD will not only benefit from having a wonderful father, but she will actually have more self-esteem to make a good choice in a man.

DID YOU KNOW THAT A WOMAN'S SELF-ESTEEM IS DIRECTLY TIED TO HOW THEIR FATHER FEELS ABOUT HER? Many young girls having sex with lots of boys are looking for the love they are NOT getting from their fathers. Do you want this for your DD?

ONLY YOU CAN MAKE THIS DIFFERENCE IN YOUR DD'S LIFE & YOURS.

You are right. I won't do it right now. I am not saying I won't ever do it, but I won't do it right this minute... The more I think about it, the more I want to, but I won't do it right now...

I am really having a tough time with this. I cannot believe this is happening to our family. I cannot believe this has happened to my H. I cannot believe this wh*ore has stolen my husband away from his family.

He asked me again if we were to get back together if he could remain friends with Traci. I said yes, but the relationship has to be on the level and it cannot cross any lines. I think the next time he asks me that I will just have to say NO.

If he chooses her, then I am not sure what I can do...

Sadly, he can never be friends with the OW again if you want to save your marriage. Next time he asks, tell him no.

It's perfectly normal to go through the "can't believe this is happening" stage. It took me about 3 months.

Want: Funny - the Father Thing - my therapist told me my problem stemmed from how my dad never appreciated me. Used to tell me I was fat and really brought me down - very low self esteem from an early age.

I have always hoped, I suppose that the man in my life would be able to make me feel good about myself. I realize now that I need to do that for me and that I cannot rely on anyone else to do it...

Darn these men...

I really need to work very hard on myself. Anyone know a good way to raise self esteem. Maybe a book or a mantra - something. Can you have self esteem, lose it, and get it back again??

Okay - well this happened in early October, so I would say I am about 3 months.

Yep, It won't work. NO CONTACT with her ever. Not ever again.

Any contact at all gives the opportunity for the A to resume.

Kim

Alison,
Pull yourself together. The employees you talked to were not top level. Get on the blasted phone and call. ou don't want to think about her laughing at you, right?

What about her laughing about you while your husband is screwing her?

You know, we have all tried to encourage you and build you up to encourage you through this, but you still sit there and whine.

Grow up! You are a mother and a wife, both very honorable titles. You are acting like you are not worthy of holding a title of such high esteem. CA is on the west coast. You still have time to make that call right now.

Otherwise, you will just sit there all weekend and think about how your husband is sleeping (and probably other things) with that skanky OW.

I really tried to keep my mouth shut and stay out of this for the last couple of days. However, it is just like a train wreck you can't quit looking at.

I would tell any of my friends to do the same thing.

What's it going to be?

1. Call the company and ask for someone high up- if you don't get it- keep asking.

2. Sit there all weekend while he and the skank have a grand time.

You have to follow the MB plan if you are going to get your H back & make your M work. This plan includes exposure while the A is continuing & NC for him to come back to the family. NC means FOREVER NC. I noticed you commented in previous posts that he could still have women friends. NO, he canNOT. Apparently, this IS a problem for him.

My H has NC with either of his former OW and he will NEVER have any women friends again. This doesn't mean that as a couple, we won't have other couples as friends, but it means if the friendship doesn't include me 100% and 100% of the time, there will be no friendship. We are also careful with couples that women hang out & men hang out (mostly couples from church).

IF he has to work with women (he changed jobs where he no longer works daily with women), but if he ever does again, he will NEVER discuss personal info so if any women want a shoulder to cry on, they will have to go elsewhere. These are some of the boundaries we have set up to keep him from failure. Apparently, when a woman becomes friends on a personal level & needs a shoulder, he WILL fall for them, so we have eliminated that possibility.

But, those are things you can discuss when he gets his head out of the fog. At this point, you have to tell him you will not tolerate a marriage that includes OW ever. You are fighting for your marriage so NC is not negotiable. You don't have to talk about future boundaries at this point (my H wouldn't have listen at that point either). You just need to focus on the task at hand.

Exposure is your choice, but seeing the success stories here, the MB plan works. Unfortunately, you have the knowledge of this plan, but have decided to let your emotions drive the show which is dangerous. That is how most people end up divorced INSTEAD of reconciliation. MB's is not going to feel natural to many people & those who never find this site will most likely end up divorced. In your case, you know about it & know it works, you just have to implement what's been laid out for you. It's going to be the hardest road you've ever been on, but the most rewarding if you get your H back from this wh*re. He will love you more for it & you will love him more & your DD will have parents that truly show her how to have everlasting love.

It is funny because, this brings up a conversation I had with H and he said something along the lines of, "Even if you said NO, how would you know if I did or didn't have conatct with her" I think he wants out bad... I think he is just waiting for me to make the first move...

Who knows what he is thinking. Fog talk means he's in that tornado, you know. It means he's all over the map so you cannot gauge what he wants because he is so lost in this tornado, he doesn't have a clue. Even drug addicts know they'd like to get off the drugs from time to time but without intervention, they rarely do. And people have to fight like he11 for them & with them to help them get off the drug even when they show glimpses of wanting to. It is an ugly scene. And that IS what you will experience when you try to help him.

And I believe this is what you are trying to avoid by letting him continue to use his drug of choice. You just want to avoid his anger, but it is going to cost you everything. Anger isn't so bad - it will end. Divorce is forever.

I, too, have to fight with low self-esteem. Even when I looked & felt pretty confident, it wasn't true self-esteem. I have a girlfriend with a great father. She wouldn't tolerate 10% of what I put up with while dating. In fact, she'd say "see ya" after one incident of disrepect. Me, oh no, I gave lots & lots of chances proving to them & myself that I truly didn't think I deserved respect. I thought I had some self-esteem, but truly, I had none. It's only NOW that I realize that I could have decided what kind of man I wanted & waited for him no matter how long it took - and never accepted less.

My H now wants to be that man, and I thank God for it. Your H can be that man too, if you help him get off this drug. If you love him enough (like God loves us despite how many times we defy him & turn out backs on him), you do this in spite of his behavior at this point. HELP HIM FIND HIS WAY BACK HOME!!!

What would you do if you were not afraid?

Do that.

I would go skydiving... Duhhh... Just kidding.

Okay - so we know I whimped out today. I swear to you all that yes I am afraid, but in my gut I also feel this is the wrong thing to do right now. I feel that I have exposed to the right people and I, at this point don't care if he is mad at me for that, Unfortunately I am feeling like, "what do I have to lose at this point"...

I can feel in my heart that he is hurting and that he is very guilty about what is going on. I have told him that I can forgive him. He hasn't said he can forgive me(for my behavior in Mexico - did I tell you about that???... I told him that forgiveness is a choice - a hard one, but it is a choice. I have made my choice to love you and to be commited to our marriage, I need you to make that same choice...

He just left a message saying he is in CA and that he will call on Sunday - really gives a sh*t about his daughter... He is a jerk, you guys... I think he is a narsicitic, sociopath right now. He has told me he does not want to change... Do I want this man??? Struggling..

Can we just please forget about the not telling work thing for now. I may get there, I may not, but the fact of the matter is - I am hurting because of this man and what he is doing to our family.

All I want right now is to cry for days in someones arms...

Alison,

THE COURAGE TO DO SOMETHING COMES AFTER THE DOING. NOT BEFORE.

You keep waiting and waffling and making excuses and justifying your lack of action.

THE COURAGE TO DO SOMETHING COMES AFTER THE DOING. NOT BEFORE.

The next time you are faced with something that you're afraid of it will be a little easier. Why? Because courage is cumulative. So is self respect. So is strength.

THE COURAGE COMES FROM THE DOING. NOT THE WAITING OR PREPARING.

An elephant will stay tethered to a wooden stake by a small rope. When it was small it was restrained this way with a chain that it could't break. As an adult it merely takes a piece of twine to keep it from wandering away. The elephant resigns it's freedom because it doesn't understand that things have changed and it is indeed stronger than that which binds it.

THE ABILITY TO DO SOMETHING NEW CANNOT BE DETERMINED BY THAT WHICH YOU HAVEN'T DONE BEFORE.

What else can I tell you Alison? How many ways to you need to hear from your friends that you are important and we know you can succeed if only you would realize that your bindings are far weaker than you presume.

What was the terrible thing you did in Mexico? I forgot. Did you take a lover, rub your husband's face in it and abandon your daughter?

Alison,

You are getting great advice from these people, I sure wish you would listen.

You have two choices:
1: Expose and break this affair and have a good chance at saving your marriage

2: Don't expose and let this continue and your marriage is over no doubt about it...

Either way there are no guarentees. I exposed to anyone who would listen to me... My WH'S employers knew , all our friends, my family and his family. Oh yeah he was angry but you know what he got over it.....

He has turned his back on all his friends, and his family he has no one but the OW and her friends.... Well thats his choice as well but in the end it will cause problems for him.

I followed the MB approach I did all the right things and I am still going to be divorced because he filed it. But I know I did all I could do to save my marriage. I will have no regrets at all.

But I am here to tell you now if you don't do all you can to save your marriage by not exposing and you end up were I am today, you will not be able to say I did all I could... You will regret not trying everything possible... I promise you this....

I understand you being scared and worried WH may lose his job ,but you will get through it and WH can find another job.. Alison please do all you can this is a fight for your DD and your marriage to become what it can be....

I don't want you to ever wonder "What if" .... Thats not a fun game at all.....

I would have never changed my ways if Flukie hadn't done something. Up to that point, why should I have changed? I would have distroyed MANY people's lives if he hadn't done it. Do you think he wanted to do it? The only thing that saved me was my intervention.

Ha ha. I "embarrassed" my H. By getting quite intoxicated and calling him, in front of OW & OWH a dead beat dad, dead beat husband, that he has other women, and told OWH that the were f**king... SO he says he is very angry about that. This is after I saw the way they looked at each other, the way she touched his hand in front of me and the things she knew about my H...

He says he is going to counseling to get over his anger about that. He says our marriage is 50/50. One day he wants to be married to me and the next day he doesn't... The days he doesn't are the days he decides to bait me into a fight... I am learning - slowly - to be stronger when he baits me, but gosh that is hard...

I don't even believe he is going - it may just be a way for him to meet OW... He does tell me some stuff about the counseling thoug - and it seems legit, but I just don't know what to believe anymore...