Also - I think I may have time to make a few changes to our agreement, although I did feel like he was protecting the A... He said, no calls unless about DD. and he didn;t have to check in like he used to when we were married. He said - he didn't have to do anything right now since we are separated...

CRAP = did I totally blow this???

Any suggestion as how to remedy my mistake in a valid way that WH would understand and agree to???

No, you didn't totally blow it. You didn't LB, you met ENs. Both good.

But.....

You made some mistakes. You gave him permission to cake-eat.

Full exposure is the only thing that's going to kill the A, and he exacted a promise from you not to do it. Bad promise.

What's in this for you?

And, MC in a month? What's that about? That is saying to me he has bought himself another month of fun and games. At least spend the time finding a MC who is pro-M, and ideally, familiar with MB principles.

None of this dooms your M; it just prolongs the inevitable.

The only way to save your M is NC FOREVER, following the MB principles.

Well, he's in no positive to dictate any rules right now. Sounds like he wants to continue the A.

However, you did well at Plan A, so pat yourself on the back. You have been moving very fast, so give yourself credit. You will need to stay in Plan a for a month or two.

Okay, I do understand that I made some serious mistakes, but I have read in other posts that Plan A does unfortunately allow for cake eating for a minute...

I felt his guilt this evening. I felt it... He absolutley knows that we want him back home and he absolutely knows that we love him and he absolutely knows that we want to make this marriage work...

I have to do this - I understnad. And I will do Plan A to a friggin tee, and I understand that the A may continue, but I know I will win him back, I know I will. I feel it in my soul. I know he does too...

I may not follow all the MB rules/regulations, but I am trying soooo hard. I want to succeed. I will succeed and I will have eveyone here to thank for it...

I am becoming stronger every day, but I hope that you will be here for me when I am VERY doubtful... I am doing this damn it - I am doing it full on, balls out, and it will work... I will have a happy and beautiful and honest marriage, I know I will!!!

I know it will take time, but I am on overdrive and H will feel it - I know he is feeling it right now...

My WH acts like this too... he took off his ring and left the house, so in his eyes he's not married anymore. Wrong!

Hey, you never know, those Plan A dates can really allow some progress to be made; we had some great talks where he STARTED to be honest with me in the early stages during some "date" type scenarios.

Of course, it made OW fume whenever we spent any time together. We had concert tix that we had bought in advance, she would not even "let" him go (w/o guilt) as 'friends'... realize that part of the reason your WH doesn't want to kiss you (strange as this sounds!) is because he feels he is CHEATING ON OW. Ugh. It's true though. She will hate him spending time with you, and will discourage it completely. Do it while you can, before she makes his life so miserable that he puts a stop to it.

I know and I hate this too, but I think I may have a tiny bit of time to "persuade" him to come around.

He is all about trust right now, so I will go with that. And if he wants to trust me, I will not contact another person. but if he wwants me to trust him, then he need to fulfill a commitment to honesty - dear Lord - that sounds dumb, but does anyone get the drift???

He did say when I didn;t answer the phone on Friday that he was worried, that is why he called back... I never did tell him then who I was out with (I was home, just not answering phone). He aked me tonight who I was out with, I said Brad (psychologist friend of the family who is also couseling me for free). I know it was dishonest, but he questioned me about who I was out with, so I know he cares. He not only questioned me once, but twice...

I can so do this - okay too cocky right now. But I know I can do it..

Might wake up early and make him some brownies - won't that be a kick in the EN butt!!!

Have no fear, Mrs, this OW BI*CH is going to be so friggin jealous of his and my relationship - it will kill it. He will hate her jealousy and love me!!! HAHAHAHAH!!!

I am going to kick her WHOREY [censored]!!!!!

Oh and I know about the cheating on OW crap - that pisses me of royally, but she is the one that got sloppy seconds...

I was first - haha BIATCH!!! She is SOOOO going down!!!

Well.........that is one way to "look at it".

Lem <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

That's kind of how I have to look at it for now - I hate the ******, but thinking about it that way makes me feel okay for a second...

Whatever you gotta do I guess...

Lem

Completely understandable. Most of us hate the op with a passion.

Just understand it's not about the ow; she doesn't matter. You need to focus on you, your H, your M, and your DD.

First of all, WSs are very defensive about the A partners. I am not really sure why - something about refusing to admit the horrible choice. So, you really can't bash the ow - even tho' she totally deserves it.

And you have to hold yourself high, never lowering yourself to her level. You don't need to call her sloppy seconds. You are a faithful W, a good mother. There is nothing better than that.

Put her out of your mind. Do the great Plan A. Stand your ground on the boundary issue. Start setting boundaries.

You are in this for the long haul. I believe you will make it. Just remember the rollercoaster.

Thanks Healing, any advice on how I may be able to "revise" my boundry for this week?? We are separeted so I shouldn't even expect much from him... Anyway I can get more of a communication (phone calls) commitment from him on "happy Hour/date night???

Of course you are going to set boundaries. NC, POJA, Radical Honesty, 15 hours of togetherness per week, no LB etc.

But, you've got to start with Plan A.There are threads on Seperated Plan A. It definitely is harder when you are seperated.

Most experts here will advise you against SF with H until the A is over and STD testing has been done, due to the risk of STDs. But, many of us did do this, and I think it does weaken the op's grasp on your WH. I only mention this as your "date" is coming.

Having the dates is important so the WS can see "the W he married". It also provokes the op to show her "true colors", in that she wil become jealous and ugly.

So, plan something really nice, get a sitter, go out to dinner, a movie, ....

Good luck

H just came by to see DD and it went very well. Big hug when he came in, smiles, flirty eyes... Let him know how much DD and I love him and miss him.. Told him I was very proud of him. Plan A'ing going pretty well.

Told him again that DD and I want him to come back home. He said he would talk to his therapist about it. How do I comabt this one??? His therapist doesn't know about the A and has told him that he and I really "need" time apart...

He gave me a big hug when he left and told me he would call me later...

I think you should work on getting undeniable proof of the A. Then finish exposure. Even though he still denies he has given you big hints that you are on to him.

I don't know how you would agree to trust and untrustworthy person. I don't think that was a good agreement. He just wants to continue his A unimpeded for at least another month. Why another month? Who knows. He sounds like an addicted cake eater. He probably feels some power because he thinks he is successfully playing you. He is now God's gift to women...at least two of them. Anyway, I've been there, done that.

There is great hope that this will all work out okay. It certainly won't happen overnight. The longer the A goes on the more addicted he will become. It could then take a year or two. Do you have the patience to play it his way? Well, you may not have a choice if you hope to save your marriage.

I may be playing this wrong, but I feel like if I give him a bit of freedom and allow him to believe that I truly am trying to trust him, that they may slip up and I may be able to get more proof.

I may hire a PI for this Friday nights "happy hour/date night"... Whatever the heck it is... I felt it was funny when I asked him for his complete honesty that he immediately told me about the happy hour - was he going to lie to me about it?? OOOHH - or maybe he is setting me up??? Anyway - I found that a bit strange, so we will see...

I was just writing in my journal and I want him to be more accountable for his whereabouts, How can I do that? That is a part of trust and if he is not where is says he is then how in the world am I supposed to trust him.. He doesn't get this and I want to figure out a way to get him to tell me more things...

I am still Plan A'ing, so we will see how that goes...

Trix,



Could you help me out with some of those hints. I would like to get them down in my journal and obviously my brain is not functioning all that well right now...

From his actions and the way he has denied including getting angry. People who have nothing to hide, hide nothing. The longer you are around MB and hear people's stories and reflect you your own experience maybe it is easier to see so many similarities is WS's as well as us BS's. Humanity, I guess.

It seemed from the conversation you had before he went away last weekend that I thought it was clearly underlying, but, I'd have to go back to your post to pick it a part.

It does seem like he feels like because he is separated he can act like he isn't married, he feels justified to be 'free'.