Well, unfortunately we are Legally Separated so for all purposes he is free... And so I am for that matter, it is just that I choose to feel married and act like it... I even put my rings back on for him last night... He will notice the little things I think...

I am trying very hard to let him know what an amzing wife, mother, lover, I am and have always been. I am going to really keep up with Plan A...

He is hiding so much and I get it. I do feel like I need to give him a tiny bit of space (with some boundaries - which I am trying to come up with in a mature and not nagging way). I am doing this to see if maybe I can get more proof.

Is there a way that I can get him/ask him to SHOW me he wants to work on our marriage, because he says he wants to but is showing me nothing - except for the IC on his part (but again, I am not even sure he is going)... Is there another "boundary" that I can set that will get this result of "showing me" he wants to work??

Alison-

I just wanted to Thank you. When your post started the other night I was consumed by your situation. I had been lurking here for months. I guess afraid to hear what people would say, but your post gave me the courage to finally sign up and tell my story. I too love my H and will do all it takes to make my marriage work and in the end if it doesn't work out noone can say we didn't try everything.

You are doing very well for as new as this is for you. I have been a basket case. This consumes your life. I have lost over 20lbs and only weighed 132 to start so my Dr. is a little worried. She has put me on Zanex and that helps tremendously when the triggers come and boy do they come. I did tell my H thanks I haven't looked this good since our wedding day. He actually pulled my pants up the other night. I said what am I supposed to do all my clothes are too big. So I went the next day and bought a bunch of new pants.

You are very strong. Thank you for your story. I will be praying for you and your family. Just know that we are better than the OW's and we can hold our heads high knowing that we are fight for our marital lives and we will survive.

Hi Sweet, I have been reading your post all day and have been keeping up with it and will continue to do so...

I am still a basket case and freak out all the time, but that is when I call my friends on the phone and just vent...

One thing I will tell you, follow your heart. My head tells me so many things right now and my heart tells me to fight my as* off...

He will get it. I may have to give him some time, but I am slowly trying to get him to come back home, when he does that - woohh booy - watch the he11 out for Plan A. I am trying hard right now in Plan A even though we are separated, but I want him home so much...

I know why he doesn't want to come home. I actaully understnad. I can (i don't know how) put myself in his shoes and this A must make him feel amazing, but not as amazing as a wife and daughter can...

I hope you will stay strong, keep posting, these people around here will help you so much. I have gotten so much love and support here - it makes me stronger every day!!! You will get there too - hang in - if it works, it will be THE BEST EVER!!!

Well, unfortunately we are Legally Separated so for all purposes he is free... And so I am for that matter, it is just that I choose to feel married and act like it... I even put my rings back on for him last night... He will notice the little things I think...

I am trying very hard to let him know what an amzing wife, mother, lover, I am and have always been. I am going to really keep up with Plan A...

He is hiding so much and I get it. I do feel like I need to give him a tiny bit of space (with some boundaries - which I am trying to come up with in a mature and not nagging way). I am doing this to see if maybe I can get more proof.

Is there a way that I can get him/ask him to SHOW me he wants to work on our marriage, because he says he wants to but is showing me nothing - except for the IC on his part (but again, I am not even sure he is going)... Is there another "boundary" that I can set that will get this result of "showing me" he wants to work??

Therapist believes more of a Plan B... She thinks I should let him go and make his own decisions and live his life and for me to work on myself and see what happens...

Does your IC know anything about MB? Is she pro-marriage?

She is pro healthy person. I am not sure she knows about MB and I am not sure she is pro-marriage. She is trying to help me become strong and better in myself in order to either be strong enough to move on or strong enough to save the marriage...

Not sure what I am going to do.. I can see her point and I can see the point of Plan A...

H is coming over again this evening for some wine, but all I can think of right now is how hard he was trying to push me away when I kissed him - very disturbing... Can't get it out of my head.

She said that if we go to MC, the counselor would tell H to get rid of Traci - because it is affecting the marriage... I told IC that he would not agree to that... She said, then that is his decision. Move on... Let him go...

I am going to go to MC with H in a few weeks and lets see how that goes, but I know he is quaking in his boots right now about it...

And it is unfortunately unlikely MC will do any good until he gives up contact with the OW. I have heard that is can be a waste of money. When we went to a counselor before my FWH ended his A it seemed like he went just so he could make it clearer to me that he didn't want to be with me any more. I believe his heart was with the OW the whole session.

MC is helpful when you when he is ready to work on the marriage after ending the A. I am sure others will give their opinions. I'd consider having him speak with Steve Harley or Jennifer Harley in a phone session before NC. They may be of some help.

Alison,

I think it's time for you to call the Harleys. There's enough going on here that I think you'll find that their specialty is your type of situation.

Like they say - time to bring in the big guns.

Yes, if not your WH, then you would benefit from the Harley's counsel yourself.

I am trying to see if the MC will shed any light on the situation for him... I am pretty much trying to do my interpretation of an intervention. All his friends know, they say they will be contacting him regarding his choices...

I don't know what hand to play. such a part of me say lose this dude, but the other says fight. For now, until I make the decision to limit contact, I will continue to do Plan A.

Although my other "free" therapist says make him realize what he is losing. It may take a while, but he will figure it out... He says do your best to move on and move up in yourself...

I swear, if I can get him to just kiss me - he will remember... He did kiss me on the lips this morning when he came in so maybe I am getting somewhere...

Just gonna do plan a for as long as I can until I have to make the decision... But - I now have to fib to the people who want me limit contact with him - and I donnot condone lying, but for the sake of this marriage I can tell tiny white ones???

May I ask what is the cost of a consultation with them?? Do you think it would be better for just me or for H and I both???

2x4

Alison - this is what happens in Disney movies. Not necessarily real life. Seriously, call and schedule something with the Harleys. Do it tonight. You need someone to help you develop a real plan that is right for your situation. Thinking that a kiss is going to bring him back is self deluding. Thinking that 4 of his buddies calling him saying "Dude, you're messing up big time" is going to change his mind is probably pure fantasy. This is big people serious stuff going on. High School was over a long time ago.

For your own sake and well being - call the Harleys. They're absolute pro's with this stuff. You won't be sorry and you'll be better informed and have a better plan than anyone has been able to help you come up with in pages and pages of posts.

Be well. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

yes, Alison, I am certain a kiss will bring him out of the fog. Maybe we should post a poll to see how many FWS were brought out of the fog with a kiss. Honey, this ain't no fairy tale. After all, even the fairy tale said FROG not FOG.

Most of us were doing a lot more than kissing but that didn't work either.

Ok - thanks for everything. Gosh - you can't even let a girl dream.. Like my damn dreams haven't been shattered enough... About the pages and pages of posts - sorry - I thought this was a place to recieve support and get answers to questions. Sorry to have bothered everyone..

I have a lot of questions. I am young and VERY inexpirienced in life and needed help, support, answers. I realize I did not take some of the advice given, and that really IS MY CHOICE...

Thanks

Last I heard it was around $185/session. But that may not be the current rate. I am sure someone here else knows.

I am alarmed reading that your therapist recommemds a "Plan B", "move on" attitude so early in the process. I do not believe her to be Pro-Marriage.

It is time to drop her and change. I am not saying she didn't help you with the self-esteen issues, and all. It's just that advising you to "move on" this point is absurd.

you are getting great advice to call the Harleys. Cost? I think it's about $175 a session.

Pricey?

Yes, it is. Let me tell you, we went to a psychologist who cost $125, and he did not help us very much. You get what you pay for. The great thing about the Harleys - besides the fact that they are pro-M, give you the straight advice, no equivocating - is they do not drag it out. You counself with one of them for a finite, limited period of time. So, if you counsel 4 times, well, that's al little less than $800. How much do you think a D costs?

Call them.

Alison,

what do you want from this forum? This is not a snotty question...it is sincere.

Do not get peevish about the 2X4s. You have been given more advice, support, etc. from very knowledgable folks, thamn you'd get anywhere else.

Re the idea of the "magic" kiss. I know, I know. Actually a lot of us thought that, or the magic SF, or whatever happens, he'll be yours, again.

I am so sorry. But, that is total fantasy.

I wish it was true. It's not. It's a dream. And, you know what? Dreaming is not getting your M back. Period.

Does that mean your doomed to something less than your dreams? NO-NO-NO-NO-NO-NO!!!

My situation: In my opinion, one of the WORST WDs ever. Continued C. Depressed WH/FWH. AO. You name it. It was h-o-r-r-i-b-l-e.

But, I stuck with it. I prayed. I read the Harley books. I worked the MB principles. And, one year (are you listening?), one YEAR later, I saw my FWH bend down on one knee, 3-stone ring in hand, and ask me to marry him all over again.

My point: This is NOT a quick fix. It takes hard, hard work. It takes time. It takes determination, perseverance, courage.

But, I think you've got all of that <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Alison, as a FWW, I can tell you that it took MONTHS until I realized what kind of man I had in my H. I was soooo far into the fog that it took a serious intervention to pull me out. We're talking about a room full of people I love and respect laying the law down. I will NEVER forget my FIL looking at me saying, "I will not tolerate you hurting my son again." I never would have become the woman I am today if my H had been wishy-washy.

We all want the best for you. If it is reconciliation - God bless. That is what He desires for us. If it is D, may God give you the strength and peace for that as well.

I wish you Godspeed. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />