I know this is long, but please help me! My husband and I are both 54, and together almost 30 years. We both had 4 year old daughters, and had custody of them. Then when they were 10 we had a son. My husband is in a heavy construction union, and we live in FL, and they don't get much work down here,and even though it was hard, I stayed home with our kids til my son graduated. Then we decided my husband should go out of town to work so he could build up his pension so he could retire at 58. He went to the Boston area with 2 men from here and they found a little place to stay. Well after this job was over, they came home. Then there was more work in Boston, so my husband went back.He met this young guy on his job who said him and his mom had a room to rent out, which sounded wonderful, because he wouldn' be staying in a hotel by himself. They just seemed to be very nice people. Well my husband would come home every few months, anstay for a month to 2 months, when there was no work. About a year ago the woman's son moved out, and my husband said it was ok for him to stay, that she was going to try to find another boarder,too, because rent was so high. Another man stayed for a few months, until there job was over again,and they both came home this past summer. During the summer the woman moved to a smaller apt., but said my husband was still welcone. So in october a very big job started up there that would last a year or more. And my husband returned. Then he came home for 8 days at Christmas, and everything was great. One day while he was here I was on the computer, and I swear I wasn't snooping, but found an email account of his. There were a couple of emails to this woman, but nothing suggestive, just that he was coming back up there soon. I didn't show them to him, but told him about them, and he seemed shocked. I think he thought I saw something worse than I did, but he calmed me down, and said it was nothing. On New years day he had to fly back to boston, and after I got home from the airport, I decided to check these emails out again, just to prove to myself there was nothing there. Well, when I tried to access the account, he had changed the password. So when I talked to him after he got back to Boston I asked him why he did this,and he tried to cover up by saying he was just trying to close the acct. But I told him I knew he didn't want me in there,and if he couldn't tell me why, I assumed the worst. In a couple of hours he called me backand said we needed to talk. He said he started an affair with this woman about a year ago, and he loved her. He says he loves me,but not in the right way. I told him that he's up there with none of the reality of daily life, just working and going home to this woman. She has a big Italian family, and they go there on the weekends to eat and socialize. I really am so naive, that I was happy my husband had people to be with,since he couldn't be with his family. I have had a feeling for about a year that things were a little off, but he would always assure me everything was ok and he was doing this for us. I really am at such aloss, aaaaaaaaand feel like dying. I just want my husband to realize that he needs to get away from this woman. He has torn his whole family apart, and he thinks he is in love with her, but when he was home ae Christmas, we were very happy and very intimate. I really believe if I hadn't found those emails, he would have never told me. Please help me! how do i get my husband to want to save our marriage? He's so far away, and I can't go there to confront them. I know his children are the most important things in his life. Do you think since this is revealed, he will start feeling very bad and want to reconsider this affair could he just think he's in love with her because she's there to meet his needs? how do i get him to realise all of this? Please someone help me.

Welcome to marriagebuilders. Wow, what a mess. The problem is that it is going to be very difficult for you to do a good Plan A as he is so far away, and also living with the OW.

Plan A includes exposing the affair to people, so that would include your kids, and her family if possible.

It was a mistake to let him room with a female, but I guess you realize that now.

Is the job going to last for another year?

thanks so much for answering, I feel so alone and don't really have anyone to talk with other than my kids. For him to retire in 4 years, he really has to stay in that area. I would move up there and rent my house out in a minute, but that hasn't been very popular with him, but I guess I know why now. just talked to him on the phone and begged him to think about what he's doing, and told him he's putting his needs above his whole family's. He said he's thinking about it all the time. when he hung up he called me baby. I hope I'm not getting my hopes up for nothing, but it does seem like he really is thinking alot about this since it has come out.

I think I would move up there. This is going to be EXTREMELY hard long distance. Can you jump over to General Questions? Put something about long distance cheating spouse in the title. There are a lot of smart folks there.

DEFINATELY move up there!!!!!!!!!!!! Don't let her have him so easily! I am sorry you are going through this, but if you want to keep him - fight for him. You are absolutely right, he's lacking reality up there with her. Life is fine and easy. It is comical how men have second thoughts the minute they let the cat out of the bag. Before we know anything, everything is hunky-dorey to them.
If you love him - go there, don't give him a choice. Tell him your marriage is at stake, and if it needs fixing, that's exactly what YOU'RE going to do!!
God bless!

You can't do much from far away. Saving a marriage is the only time I would advocate for "darn the expense". You can always buy another house. Any $ loss should be considered an investment in your marriage.

Do not tell your H your plans. Just make them.

Read up on Plan A and on exposure. Exposure is your biggest weapon.

Good luck!

Agree....Move and Expose or your M will be history.

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Well, I know it,s been a long time since I have posted, but a lot has happened since my last reply. I want to sincerely thank everyone for their advice! I am moving to be with my husband in a few weeks. He moved out a few weeks ago, and is about sixty miles away from this woman. I'm not being naive, but I truly believe there is great hope for us. The other woman has actually called me to ask for forgiveness. I talked with her, in a reasonable manner, and hopefully she is permanently out of the picture. I know we have a lot of work to do, but I truly believe my husband is committed to making our marriage a success. We are planning on following Dr. Harley's plan for making our marriage better than ever. Please wish us luck and patience!

How did this all happen? I'm just interested, since you were such a long way away.

Cheers!!!

Please do tell us what happened. Sometimes these things burn themselves out withour a BS's interference. The OW LB'd my FWH with her constant demands and he couldn't wait to be done with her.

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