Hi all of u out there,

I must say that I'm a chinese, but not a male chauvinist with unacceptable belief. I married my wife for 10 years now, with 2 loving kids. However, over the years, I begin to lose interest in making love to my wife. Not that I'm not ok, but the thoughts of her sexual experiences with her ex-es filled my whole mind.

I know 2 of her ex-es. 1 of whom is a 2-timer, but she willing slept with him. She wasn't in love with me then, even after 10 years, I'm not sure if she truly loves me now. She doesn't show much affection towards me either. I was a willing part-time lover to her then, keeping her company when she can't get the man she likes. I thought that I can be a saint, accepting all these circumstances, even if she doesn't really love me. Perhaps she married me because she wanted someone to love her and take care of her, not that she loves me. I didn't have a long courtship after she broke off with her ex, before I married her. And after marriage, I'd wanted her to shower me with 200% of love, to make up for having none before. But the fact is that we quarrel more than ever over various issues since our marriage. I have never felt her love for me.

I never have sex with anyone else except her. I'm not sure if she thinks of her ex-es when I make love to her. I'm terribly depressed, I still remembered that very next morning after she had sex with that 2-timer, when she described to me about his physical. I felt like I'm a failure in life, without experiencing true love. I don't want just sex with her, whether it is about satisfying her or myself, I want a union of love. She is my one and only one, and how I wish I was her one and only one. Whenever I'm frustrated and depressed, I dug out her past. I know this is wrong, but it doesn't sound to me that she regretted her past, rather it seemed like she still wanted it that way, that she had had that wonderful nite with her true love.

Many times, I masterbated with imagination that I was the one and the first one that she willing slept with. Am I sick?

I know that the problem lays with me, but I really want to know whether she loves me. I love her dearly, and I want to keep this marriage. Pls help me to get out of this lasting pain.

I recommend that you try posting on the Emotional Needs board or the General Questions board. There are many more people there and you may find more help with your question.