Hey,

I'm just wondering how some WS become attached to this other person so quickly and others do not.

My H had a two month A with a co-worker they talked on the phone here and there and slept together 5-times.

Yet when i found out,he ended it right there and soon got a new job.

For a little bit he was worried about her safety when it came down to her telling her H.See it all started with her telling my H about her M and how she was beat alot.Come to find out she lied.

I think sometimes it could be all about the sex.This co-w also told my H all the time she wanted to sleep with him.My H did like sex he liked movies he liked magazies he like being online looking at porn.I really never got into any of that.At this time he also worked with lots of over time and went to school full time.So he was stressed.With someone always saying she wanting him,and telling him how good he was at his job.He gave in.

So for some could it be about the sex?I still wonder how people can talk on the phone sleep with that person and even the next day have nothing to do with them.While others have a hard time leaving or even getting over the other person.

Any feedback,
#1mom

I think it is easier for men to be this way. Women usually get more emotionally attached. Now watch all the men chime in.

I wish my H were having such an easy time letting go.

I think it is nuts that I think about her more than he sayshe does - which is not at all.

CKW, how ya doing? (sorry for the threadjack)

MF,
If i read that right,then i too think of this dumb girl more than my H ever did,even when they were doing whatever.

Why is this so?
#1mom

moveforward, I'm donig "ok". That's about it. I hope what we're going through is progress, but to me it feels like I'm having my intestines pulled through my nose slooooooooooowly.

But other than that, life is peachy keen!!! **I sincerely hope you can detect the loud note of sarcasm**

#1mom, you read it right. Sick, huh?

((((CKW))))) we're just going to keep praying that this is good progress.

Just hoping to hear more thoughts.

#1mom

numberonemom,

This sounds very similar to my H. The OW (co-w) started out by complaining about her live-in BF (abusive, mean, alcoholic, etc). OW also claimed to be suicidal. My H was rescuing her by cheering her up & trying to make her feel better. The OW was also flirting a long time with him before anything happened. And within the last few weeks before the PA began, she was basically daring my H to kiss her (chatting with her after work). At some point, he gave in & kissed her. Their PA went on for about 6-8 weeks (he can't remember the exact time frame). My H even told OW that he loved her & she was perfect for him (even though he says he knew in his head it wasn't true - that he was lying to her). When the A finally escalated to oral sex (only once), he said his guilt was intense & he started avoiding her at work afterwards (as much as possible). He ended it without even having a conversation about it. He was just done with her. He had no attachment & was done. She continued to pursue him for the next 2 years (even after he was long gone from that job).

My ONLY guess is that reality was playing on him during the A. He wasn't in the fog long - he realized the reality he had created, saw her for who she was & got out early. Obviously, he knew he didn't have the feelings he told her he did - so some reality was there. Maybe the attachment comes from being deep in the fog while no attachment means that the fog didn't take over them. I don't know, but it's all I can figure out because my H told me that during the A, he remembered thinking he would be embarrassed of her if out together in public (she's not too bright - H.S. dropout with 2 kids out of wedlock & druggie parents living with her & her live-in BF). Also, OW told H that she had another sexual A with another co-w which made H think she was just looking for another A to replace last one. And one time when kissing, she told him something was different & it wasn't good. He thought "huh, I wasn't trying". He told me to kiss good with her he had to try, but with me it was natural without having to try so that made an impression on him during the A as well.

Another point my H made is that he felt his A was due to already wanting to leave me & it had nothing to do with her. He thought having the A would seal the deal on leaving me. But, he told me, if he left, he would have never been with her (would have moved back to his hometown where his family is).

So, again, I would guess it is having reality in the A without being completely covered in the fog! I think the fog allows emotions to completely rule decisions & logic, while without it, reality has some say fortunately.

Numberonemom,

I have been searching for an answer to this question also. My H had an 8 month long A with a coworker that he said was just for sex only, something they agreed to at the beginning, that he was not leaving his family. The OW had been flirting with him for months before the PA started. He said that she fell in love with him, but he never loved her, he was only in it for the sex. My situation is somewhat similar to yours--my H used to complain that we didn't have sex enough, that I rejected him, he got tired of asking, and here she was, this younger woman who kept flirting with him, and he finally gave in to her out of being angry with me, and stressed out.

While I can understand how this A happened (no EN's being met on either side, living separate lives, etc), I cannot for the life of me understand how it went on for so long, and how he can say that it was just sex. He says that he never was leaving me and the kids for her and she knew it. Similar to what Want2BStrong said, the OW had a child out of wedlock that she did not even take care of, and my H said that she was out to get a father for her son, and tried to get him to fill that role. So, perhaps in my H's case also, reality was also there and he did not get too deep in the fog that he could not see his way out of it. He tried to break it off with her a few times and she somehow got him to start up with him again.

I am thankful that he did not love her, but I also think that his feelings for her were deeper than he is letting on. Maybe not true love, but perhaps infatuation??

Moveforward and Numberonemom, I think about this girl almost constantly and it drives me crazy. He has told me that there is no comparison between the two of us, she is not very attractive, not someone that you would look twice at, and that the sex was just sex, not making love like when he was with me. I do not even know what she looks like, so she is like this faceless body in my mind. He has told me that she is renting space in my head and that I am giving her way too much power in my mind, and I agree. But it is a constant power struggle that I go through to keep her out of my mind. And I have not been doing a very good job of it at all. Some people online here have suggested that once I get all my questions answered, that I will be able to move past it, and I hope that is true. My H is committed to the marriage and family, and truly regrets ever getting involved with her.

Just wanted to let you know that you are not alone in having these thoughts!

Men are better at having "just sex" affairs than women are. You are having a problem understanding it because you are programmed differently than he is and would probably be incapable of it. Women need emotions to have sex, men need sex to have emotions. Women can have emotions without sex, men can have sex without emotions. Why is the sky blue? Doesnt matter, it just is.

I wish I could say my WH is having a n affair for just sex.

He has been living with her since July and now filed divorce papers. He is attached to her, still can't figure out why. She is unattractive and obnoxious. He lets her tell him what to do and treat him like crap things he woould have never taken from me.

So 24 yrs of marriage is null and void as far as he is concerned. So men do become attached and give up everything they ever had to be with someone else.

I have tried everything in my power plana now planb and nothing seems to be working.....

How do you break the attachement, I wish I knew....

Maybe sometimes you cant, odds are reality will pretty soon though.

Im not saying that men cant become emotionally attached to the women they have afairs with, I think that most women become sexual in affairs because they are emotionally attached and sometimes they never become sexual, it just stays emotional. I think for more men the emotions come after the sexual part starts and it isnt necessary and often never happens.

hey everyone thanks for you thoughts.I do want to responed to these but my DD was girl scouts.I will be back on in the moring.Please ck back.

From want i have read your stories have helped me and giving me more under standing.

What is it with co-w Women preying on Married men who look hopeless at the time.

Well i do have more to say so please come back tomorrow i have questions for some of you.How are stories are so alike

#1mom

AtomicSpin,

Yes, you're right, men are programmed differently and it can just be a physical need, not an emotional one. I should just give up trying to understand and make sense out of it. Dr. Harley's books help me to understand why it happened and reading some of the case histories, it's like they could substitute my and my H's names and it would be our story. I'm holding myself accountable for the pre A problems and trying to rebuild.

Hurtinginokla,

From what I've read here, your H sounds like he is still in the fog and it should be burning off. I hope Plan B works for you. Be patient and hang in there.

Hey Number 1 Mom,

I will be back in the a.m. also. Can't wait to hear more on this topic. I guess we need to watch out for female coworkers...my husband was always somewhat of a flirt, but I always trusted that he would never stray. Seems like she set her sights on him and got him in a moment of weakness.
If I only knew then what I know now... I was never the clingy jealous type and never thought much of his flirting.

I only have a few minutes before I have to leave work for the night, but want to revisit this topic in the morning too.

I also wish my H was in it just for sex. He has been involved with a 21 yr old girl for a year. We separated and she moved in with him about a month after he left. He moved back home for all of 2 1/2 weeks when I caught him at her house again. That was Nov 15. He moved out again and has been living with her since a week after he moved out. I don't understand and neither does anyone else. His standing in the community has suffered and he has also lost the respect of alot of people, but he doesn't seem to notice. Talk about the fog.

Mamafish,

I hear you about OW "is renting space in my head and that I am giving her way too much power in my mind". I have a very hard time with it. I don't have a very clear picture of this OW, but enough for sure. I saw her a few times and even got to go to her wedding in March '05 since my H was trying to cover his tracks & afraid if he didn't go, she'd let me know about the A. So, he drug me to this wedding where she hugged me,& then, she hugged my H. Let's not forget her boobs were hanging out of the slut dress she was wearing (OH, and she's not thin & didn't look good in that dress). Was she wearing it for her new H or for MY H? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> Maybe a faceless person is better then having that image in your head.

Okay, back on track. I do think in my H case, it was about not have EN's met at home (sex). I was also pretty distant as affection was going to lead to pressure for sex so I avoided kissing & hugging a LOT!!! I also had LB's as well. He told me mostly it was "lust" with the OW & curiousity about what it would be like & nothing more. He liked the attention, too & how she looked at him (without reality).

But, what was MOST positive in their relationship is that I believe OW offered having a child with my H. Positive? Strange? Well, she knew that we (or me) were have fertility problems & we were looking to adopt (already taken classes & been approved). So, I think she thought "Hey, he'll love someone else's kid so he would be a good dad for my children" (if he was already willing to adopt other children). And she told him "I get pregnant easy" and "I don't take my pill regularly". NOW, she thought she was reeling him in, but she actually kept my H from having intercourse with her. He thought "NO WAY I want a child with her" and "I would have to have some type of relationship with her if I got her pregnant AND I would guarantee losing my wife". So, I thank her for her offer. Those things too helped play into the reality that she wasn't someone he wanted. He told me he thought if I don't want to HAVE to have a relationship with her, what am I doing here?

As for the timeframe, the PA only lasted a few months, but the contact lasted 2 years. Why? FEAR! Plain & Simple. My H thought that OW might try to break us up by telling me what happened. He said he felt she would go to extremes to get what she wanted. So, he didn't "rock the boat" but tried to be nice to her when she would call, however, talk about nothing important & get off the phone as quick as possible. Maybe some reality HIT her when we went to her wedding & watched her marry the SO-called abusive, mean, alcoholic man AND my H told OW he was very happy for her & also avoided her "like the plague" through the reception. Maybe she realized he didn't love her, want her, want to leave his wife. I don't know, but she quit calling after that.

If I could just quit renting space in my head to her, I would be so much better off. As for asking all your questions, I agree, Mamafish, that you should get answers, however, be careful with it. Many of the answers I got, I didn't like & have repeated over & over in my mind. At one point, I said to myself "I cannot handle going over the details so I have to stop myself from thinking or talking about it again". And I have mostly done that. When I allow myself to go down that road again, I find myself wishing I had never married my H, wanting to leave, wanting a divorce, etc. It's NOT healthy for me.

I will say the best medicine for me has been working on me. Losing weight, getting new clothes, looking good are all great factors to my self-esteem & having my H hanging on to me MORE then ever because he knows I could walk out & get someone else easily. Even family say I look like I did in high school. I've had many men looking my way & making my H feel insecure (good, I say he deserves at least that for now). So, the best bet is to work on you instead of wasting energy on the OW. I figure OW is going to live a sad, troubled life while my H & I move forward & get healthier & happier in our marriage. She will not have that, because she is a serial cheater who cannot love others. So, I get comfort knowing she will never have what I have (life, family, intelligence <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />, true love, happiness etc.)

Mamafish,
WATCH OUT FOR FEMALE COWORKERS - [color:"red"] YES!![/color] But, more seriously, proximity & friendships are posing a problem for your H as well - not just the woman pursuing your H.

My H & I have decided for my own comfort he canNOT work with females in close proximity anymore. His job was managing a restaurant where OW was a supervisor under him. They spent lots of free time during the day chatting.

Our deal now that he knows that he is vulnerable (EA started the same way). He canNOT chat with any female about personal stuff or give a shoulder to lean on. He canNOT have female friends! NEVER! If there is any situation where even a female co-worker wants to tell him something of a personal nature, he would have to say "You'll have to talk to someone else about that". At this point, he has taken a job in which he no longer has that type of contact with other women. It makes me able to sleep at night for sure knowing he will not be in daily contact with any women where they could become friends.

Unfortunately, if the WS finds themselves in the same scenario (even in a different job with different women), he can fall victim again. You have to analyze everything that makes your H vulnerable to an A & delete it from his life.

Number 1 Mom,

My thoughts exactly! How could this CW OW go after my H? What is HER problem? I'd love a "profile" on this B!tch!
They startted as an EA and took things too far... H had his choices..... he made the wrong one, he now admits.
But IT (I refer to OW as "IT" like the clown in the Steph. King book/movie now) haunts my mind every day! I can be having a great day, moment whatever, then BAM! "IT" jumps on my back! I still do not have all facts or details and prolly never will. Plus I do notwantto set off those memories in H's head any more than possible.
I still think if "IT" didn't work with H , then I could get overthings better. But, que'sera , sera.....