HI Moms! I am sorry for not being here for so long! Gosh I have missed alot andhad to do 3 pages of speed reading to get caught up some what!!!!!
Thank you , too, for "missing me"!
Someone out here cares! LOL!!!(seriously!)
I wish I had had the time to come on and be in on all these posts yu guys have written as I see so many things we all have/had in common... I have been keeping really busy with the kids, job and resting my back and having a couple Dr appts. Back is doing a bit better, thanks to meds, too.

I have to report that I have actually had 2 days in a row that I did NOT wake up thinking about "IT" the very first thing!!!!!
H and I have had some awsome conversations lately , too. Not that he says much, but what he did say and thethe questions he answered were very reassuring and comforting.
Plus, his working the day shift has made things much better for us in that we are ableto SEE each other daily, not just weekends and mornings. He'll be going back to 2nd shift by March I think though so I will haveto find a way to prepare for that with him. I don't want to go all goofy on him and get depressed or suspicious or have big triggers start up again. Ya know?
I wanted to comment on one of the things you gals were talking about, Names... "ITS" name is Roxanne.....
THAT is AWFUL as it is my Aunts name also! Though I have always called her Rocky, I cringed at our Family Christmas get together when ever anyone said her full name....ARGH!!!!
AND, one day when we were lying on the bed talking, the radio was on and the song by that name by the POLICE came on...I shut it off on the 3rd note!!!! I will never be able to hear that song again, and I love the Police! Then again, the song IS about a PROSTITUTE....LOL,
how approprite!!

I do have to run now as I have tons to do and kids are starting to get home from school.
I hope you are having a good day and I hope I can keep up with getting on here to chat with you guys more. I am usually on here in the am as I drink my coffee before I get ready for work. But Afternoons and evenings are tuogh cause of everybody being home and not letting me have a minutes peace!!!! The mantra of a Mom.... I need more time!!!!!
LOL!
Talk to you gals soon! Be Well!

Welcome back Harmonie!!

Yes, we did miss you this week, glad that you are back and feeling better. Feel free to chip in on any of our conversations. We were looking for you and I'm glad that your back is feeling better. We did talk alot this week. I am able to go online at work and check in throughout the day to see if there are any new posts/replies.

Yes, the name thing stinks and is definitely a trigger for me. Can't watch ET anymore--Nicole Kidman, Ritchie, etc.

I have to go now as it's almost quitting time for me. I will respond to both of these new posts tomorrow.

My H hasn't found a job yet but is still looking. He does not want to go back to graveshift or a casino. Harmonie, I think you can understand how much I hated when he worked graveshift. We never saw each other and I was left w/ the kids all the time. That was a big reason as to why the A even happened--double lives. He is looking for day shift, close by, and things seem to be picking up for him now that the holidays are over.

Well, gotta go but will be back around 9ish tomorrow.
Have a good night you all!

Harmonie,

Hey girl,glad your back.We did miss you. Glad to hear that It has not popped in your head these past few days.What a sigh.Have you guys talked any about MB.Or have you done it in another way.Gee why do these IT'S have to have real names.

I'm glad your back is doing a little better.I'm just getting over being real sick.What meds could do.

Is there a reason your H can't stay on day shift?If not once he goes back just try and be brave and just spend what time you can together.I know it's hard with kids.You have teenagers,tell them you want alone time.I know your probally saying in your head YEAH RIGHT there teenagers.Are they aware of what happened?

How has your wheather been.Both me and Mama have seen temps in the low 50s and today it could reach near 60.

Well i have to go,hope to hear from you more open.We have alot of catching up to do.

#1mom

Good morning Gals,

Well, it happened to me. I just wrote a whole bunch of stuff and got booted off. Anyway, I'm glad that Harmonie is back and that you both are feeling better. I feel alot better this week since chatting with you guys. I know that what I'm feeling is similar to you two, and that I can post something and you will understand. It makes me feel alot more positive when I see that you both are making real progress since you are both ahead of me in the recovery process.

I wanted to go back to the point Numberonemom made about the men getting deeper than they intended. There are cameras all over the casino, just like a bank, probably worse, only the whole atmosphere is like a party, loud noises, people drinking, having fun. Lots of flirting, etc, that I know about now. I think that my H and IT had flirted and got into discussions about things they shouldn't have, but that's the culture there. A different world in all respects. This casino is a sovereign nation (Indian reservation) so it is really another world. Like a big city in fact.

I have never gone to bingo and don't think that would be something my H and I would do together, given the circumstances. When he worked there, he talked about us going up there but never wanted to go there on his days off since he worked there so much, that was the last place he wanted to go. Then when the A started, that was really the last place he would bring me. We mostly do stuff w/ the kids on family outings--circus, sesame st live shows, museums, and in the summer, fairs and that type of thing. We used to go to concerts and I would love to start that up again. Glad that you saw Journey--it's nice when you see a band w/ sentimental value, especially now.

It's great that you and your H have gotten into painting and drawing. A great hobby for you to do together, and you can even go to museums to look at the art, etc. My H is heavy into watching sports on tv--that is his biggest interest. I try to keep up w/ it when I can, but I don't really understand it. I just try to maintain some interest to show him that I'm interested in it. Money is tight for us now so we try to do things that are low cost or free.

Harmonie, I totally understand about not having a minute's peace at home. As soon as I get on the phone, I try to go in another room to talk, it's like I'm a magnet, and all the kids come looking for me. I go to work to get a break. At least I can talk on the phone in peace.

As for doing the EN's last night,again, we did not go over our answers. One thing led to another and we just didn't do it. This morning I was kind of down because of it, although I didn't say anything to H about it - getting tired of having to be the one to keep pushing on it. I guess he could tell because he gave me a big hug and kiss and said that we'd do it tonight. So in that respect he is coming along. It will be better tonight because it's Friday night and we don't have to get going for work and school in the am. More relaxed. Set the kids up w/ a movie.

Well, I wanted to post this early so I can see what you guys are up to. Any plans this weekend?

Good morning Mama,
How are you.I can say i'm doing good.These past two weeks talking to you and harmonie have been so nice.I was suppose to get rid of AOL today.I get it every so often.I try to stay away from this site here and there.Since i am now talking with someone or two that i can really relate too i am going to keep it for now.

You have given me such great advice even in the time that you could use it.It's amazing how are stories are so alike yet so different.So i am here for at least another month.

I'm glad he said something about the questions.It seems like when he brings it up they usually get done.Good luck.Hey if you think its safe bring out that letter.

Theres a positive thread on recovery.A women who is at her five yr mark today.Dhes doing great.Pop over and read it.

So how old is that baby now?Is she getting big.If i were to get pregnant which i am on the pill so if i did it would be from god.I have a name picked out for a girl.It would be Faith.I picked this because it was faith that kept us together.Because we had Faith in our M,because of faith i believe my H will always be faithful.I have'nt told my H.

Since i'm on so many Meds for my RA i should'nt get pregnant.Thats why i have to keep taking that dumb pill,which for yrs i still forget at times and have to double up.I never take it at the same time.I'm bad with my meds.So if i do get pregnant it ould be Faith.

Well it's only 10:30 but the little girl i'm watching wants lunch.

I will be back later
#1mom

Hey girl,

Faith, what a beautiful name and oh so meaningful. That would be a wonderful gift for you and your H, if it happens.
God may have a plan for you yet. Faith is what keeps you going!

I am like you with the pills, that's why I had bought those condoms just in case. I take it at the same time during the week because I'm up before everyone else getting ready for work. On the weekends, though, it's a different story. And because I'm still nursing, it's a minipill so it's more important to take consistently. Have you talked to your dr about the BC patch? There are other alternatives to the pill now. None for me now, but I think I would look into those next year.

My baby just turned 5 mos old last week. She is so easy, probably the best baby of the three. I guess that's because she has had to adapt to everyone's schedules. She is at the stage now where she is fascinated by her hands, and is "talking" . She said Dada to my H a couple days ago so he was really proud. He does love his kids.

Yes, you're right, when H says we will do it, we do. That is partly because I feel like I"m nagging him when I keep saying we have to do it. I want him to want to do it. And he does. I was very tired last night anyway. I think I will bring that letter out.

I will pop over to Recovery. I find some good stuff on there sometimes. I have to stay away from Just found out.
I'm glad you will keep AOL for now. You have helped me to make it through a long week, and given me good advice too. As I said in a post last week, only 2 of my friends know, and we don't keep in touch very much. The first friend that I told only lives on Long Island, but I haven't seen her since the summer. She was calling me everyday for a while after I told her. I couldn't even tell her for 2 months after it happened. It is much easier to talk to you and other BSs that have been through it. All the stories are different but I'm glad that ours are similar in that the Hs' have shown they are committed to the M. It kills me to read about the WSs that leave their family for the OW. I don't think that I could do a Plan A or B. And I hope to God that I never have to.

Anyway, I wanted to check in and tell you both that my H was submitted for a job that he would really need/love to get, so I am praying hard that he gets the position.

Oh, and I am taking vacation in mid February (my son's off from school). It's the week after Val Day, but maybe we will send our S to Daycare one day. If H gets the job, he would have to work V day anyway.

Gotta go, will check in around noontime.

#1mom,
That 5 yr story is very inspiring. Thanks for directing me to it. Gotta keep the positive thoughts in our lives!

Good agternoon,
And how are you.Me just peachey.I'm glad you liked that post.It inspried me too.

I hope your H gets that job.You seemed very excited.You guys deserve a break.

I have told no-one of my H A .I wanted to back them soo bad.He really did'nt want anyone knowing.He said if i had to tell tro so i had people to talk to that it would be okay. Today i am glad no one knows.He has change for the better.They probally are wondering were all this stuff we now do around them comes from.He hug,kiss,hold hands.Always sayinh ILY.I'm glad because now nobody can judge him or us.

We also have talked about adopting child.I think i ciuld give someone a great home.It just takes so much time and probally money i don't have.

This weekend i will go grocery shopping,need lots of food.Hubbie is going.I like it when he goes.we always seprated in stores for yrs.Now he stays with me.I love it.Other than that i think we need to stay home.I swear since his A came out we have spent tooo much money.It's time to slow down.

Do you really think we need to know everything that has happened during there A.Is it best just to leave it alone.

I will be back soon.
#1mom

Hey there,

Sometimes I say, yes, it's best to leave it alone. Other times, I say I want to know it all. I think that if I was in your situation, you probably know enough. The reason I say that is because you are already past the one year mark, there is NC, new job and all, your recovery seems to be stable in my opinion (he has consistently proven himself to you over the year and hasn't slacked off on helping out at home, spending time w/ you, etc). You seem to know alot about what went on and I would say, what more could you know that would be helpful to you? Sometimes we read more into things than there actually were--we overanalyze things, I know that I do this.

In my case, I know that there is more that I need/want to know. My reason for this is that I feel that if I know these things, my mind will stop imagining things, that may be worse than the truth. I'm afraid that something will come out later that I do not know about. I don't think that there is anything else that could hurt me. The worst was her pregnancy. If I can handle that, I can handle anything. I just want to know so that I can really know what was going on before the A that pushed him to her, and what did she do throughout the A to keep him coming to her. Due to the length of time for his A, all the secrets and lies he told, I really feel that I need to know this before I can move on. He missed alot of things in my and the kids' lives due to his weekends with her. This hurts alot. I thought he was working and sleeping. I need to know from him how he could justify this. There is just way too much that I don't know. I know only bits and pieces. I want there to be no secrets between us.

Sometimes I wish that no one else knew about the A. It's hard that my 2 oldest friends know, although they have been supportive. They have known both of us since we were dating, and knew me for years before that. I told the first friend because I had talked to no one except his friends about it, and needed someone to talk to. This friend told the other one about it right before Xmas, because the other friend said I sounded strange on the phone. She and her family came home to CT from IL and we saw them for a couple hrs over Xmas break. It was very awkward and strange. All of H's friends/coworkers know of the situation now, which is hard for him. I guess it was one thing when only close friends knew of the A. They tried to talk him out of it, to tell him that IT was crazy, to go into MC w/ me. He didn't listen to anyone's advice. Now he sees that they were right.

Anyway, I love when H goes grocery shopping w/ me too. It's the little things that mean alot, I guess.

Adopting a child is an awesome responsibility but the rewards are worth it. It's nice that you are thinking about it. You have time, don't rush into anything. Maybe keep discussions open and see what happens.

Going out at lunch. It's very very foggy here..
back later

Hello,

I do think i know enough.I just sometimes still can't accept it happened.I want him to know why he let it happen.I guess i should be happy that he now knows how to stay away from stuff like that.Well having a great M helps us too.

I hope you get the answers you need.I know they will be tough to hear.Just get it done and over it.You want to move on,you have to let go of the past.The sooner your able to start healing from this you can move on in your M.You think us knowing they had sex was enough.Just don't take in to much at once.

How are you other wise.Are you eating and taking care of yourself.This is important,i know i did'nt eat for a long time.Everyone noticed i lost weight,I had to lie.Tell them i cut back,i was exercising.Just take care of yourself.I thank gos i had kids.They needed me.I probally would of straved to death.If i did'nt eat my H would'nt eat.After a while we realized it was'nt worth it.

Not even family knows of his A.His brother was just going thru ******,his W left him for another man.He knew how this effects people and did'nt care.We even talked about it just before his A came out.Talk about low.He was at a show with his Brother when she showed up.You'd think a bell would of rang in his head.They are really in this cloud of smoke,only thinking of themselves.I sure brought this up.He said i know i know.No-one would ever think this of him.

I kind of am glad they never will.

Sometimes i want to tell him i'm gone if this ever happens again.In the same note i don't want him to think i don't believe in us.I believe in us more than ever.I think i just want this in his head.I think he sure does know.He said he would die first before hurting me.He said he never knew you could hurt someone so much.Someone you love.

Well i have to go to the school.I'll be back later.

#1mom

You are right--I need to move on and some days I feel like I am. Other days, like this morning, I felt like, we're not moving forward at all. But it will take time. I read Ark's post to the BS in this forum and it helped. It said not to rush things. Ark is always a good one to read.

My H's father left him, his sister and his mother for the OW when he was 7. They got married, he has 2 sisters from that marriage. His H got divorced a few yrs ago after being married for like 20 yrs. You think he would have known how devastating it would be. He didn't think. The whole thing comes back to that he was only thinking of himself, and I was never meant to know about it. That's what he was thinking all along. That since I didn't know, it was okay. And your H didn't think of his brother either because he probably knew he wasn't leaving you for her (and your brother's wife left him for the OM). He didn't identify the situation as being similar to his brothers. Same with my H. He knew that he wasn't leaving his family. It did not occur to him that I may leave him if I found out. Or I guess it did, and that's why he was afraid to tell me. I am glad for you that no one knows. It makes it very hard when you stay together. I know people think, Get rid of him. It's better when people don't know, trust me. I am glad that I don't know anyone he works with. When I first found out, I thought, what do these people think of me that he was cheating on me all this time? I thought that they would be wondering what I did. Actually his friend up there that knew, told me that everyone was on my side and felt sorry for me when they all found out. I know the MB site says expose the A to everyone, but I think that if NC works, it is better not to. It was tough when my H and I went to my work Xmas party but no one knew. If anyone knew, I would not be able to face anyone I work with. Count your blessings on that and keep it in your M. No one needs to know a thing. Let them wonder how you can still be in love and affectionate after all these years. They will be envious of you, I'm sure.

I am doing better on eating/taking care of myself. I lost alot of weight as i mentioned before. I had gained about 35-40 lbs for the baby, I lost about 15 in the first 2 mos (right before dday) and have lost another 20 now. Real fast. I think I lost 10 lbs in 2 wks. I did not eat, was not hungry, and I was nursing, so I would drink water. Not fair to me or the baby. I would force myself to eat. Would go through an entire day and only had a granola bar and some water. Not good. People at work commented that I was so quiet, not talking to anyone, they knew something was wrong but I could not tell anyone. I could not smile, joke, chitchat or anything. Kept to myself. It took a couple months to come out of this, slowly. Now I only weigh about 10 lbs more than I was before I got pregnant, and I think I'm pretty good. I was always on the thin side--When I'm upset, I don't eat, so I have only gained weight when I was pregnant. I still can't fit into alot of my old clothes but I feel pretty good--just have a belly now. Everyone at work complimented me on my weight loss because they are all preoccuppied with weight and diets. They all say how great I look. I would not even eat chocolate, which is my favorite snack to eat. When I told my H that I had not eaten any (and it was all over the workplace in candy dishes) he felt really bad. He got scared that I was losing so much weight and now has told me not to lose anymore. I'm doing alot better.

My kids got me through it also. i wouldn't have been able to do it without them. I think that we would not be together now if it weren't for the kids. I just wouldn't have any motivation/incentive to go through it all. I want my kids to have a happy family. They deserve it. They didn't ask for any of this to happen. It's not so easy when you have them depending on you, you have to get up and take care of them.

I think your H knows better than to cheat again. I know my H does. And with your M being so good now, I bet that he would tell you if he had feelings for someone else. That is what I wish my H had told me before it happened. Now, I think he would. But I think they both have seen the other side and realize how it could be without us. But, what Dr. Harley says too, is if you think it can't happen to you, you are even more susceptible to an A. This is true. I thought it would never happen. I denied my suspicions and would not push him when I thought he was lying to me. I will not make that mistake again. I think you will also be more aware of any changes that make you suspicious. Constantly working on the M and meeting ENs will make it so that they will not want to go anywhere else.

well I've written a book here. Will check later. If I miss you, have a great weekend!!

Well, I did have something written,but i hit shut down my mistake and lost it.So i'll write more on Tuesday.My hubbie has Monday off.

Have a great weekend
#1mom

Hey Harmonie and Numberonemom,

Not sure if I'll hear from you both today, but I am at work and it is very very quiet due to the MLK holiday....

We had talked in our posts last week about how maybe the OWs made our Hs feel needed. Well, I read something friday afternoon that made me stop and think. There is a post here from CamoKnight's Wife "looking for knight in shining armor article/thread". Within this, there is a link to Dr. Shirley Glass and a long article/interview w/ her. She has found that " many men who are married to very competent women have affairs with very weak women. They feel "this person needs me". They put on their red cape and do a lot of rescuing. They feel very good about themselves. She says, This makes me (Dr. Glass) very sad because I know that even though their partner may be extremely competent, she wants to be stroked too. She wants a knight in shining armor. Perhaps she hadn't known how to ask for it, or the ways she's asked have pushed him away". You should read the whole article (it's very long, 21 pages when I printed it out).

Can you gals identify with this statement? I know that I can and we discussed this a while ago. Before his A started, and during the A, I would say to him that I was overwhelmed, felt like I had lost myself, etc. and it went on deaf ears. I guess in the beginning, he saw it as me complaining about my life, and nagging, and then later in the A, he just couldn't deal with it. He thought I had it all under control, I guess.

We did not make ANY progress this weekend with our Questionnaires. It was very sad. We had a good night on Friday. He even surprised me with a little box of chocolates that he knew I liked and told me ILY. I thought we were off to a good start. But then we both did a lot of LBs on Saturday. Calmed down by Sat night (I made myself go in the bathroom, take a long hot bath, and cry to get it out of my system). Sunday was okay, although I was very depressed still. We did not go to church because the weather was bad, very icy and snowy, cold. Everyone was tired so we stayed home. We watched movies and the football games all afternoon. I mentioned MB later in the afternoon when all 3 kids were asleep, and even said, this is a miracle that they are all napping at the same time. He made us some coffee and I thought we would get to talk but at the same time, I didn't want to spoil the peaceful feeling of just sitting there together watching tv.

Today, I reread the Shirley Glass article and was going to leave it for him to read, but then I brought it with me and will have him read it tonight. He has both kids today because there is no school. I want to tell him tonight that we need to do this to move forward. One of the points in the article is just that the WS feels that by talking about it and the details, the BS won't let go, but that's not the case. It's a part of healing, like when a tornado survivor keeps talking about the tornado. It says that if you move on and act like it didn't happen, you are not learning and working to fix what went wrong in the marriage that allowed the A to occur.

I have realized that it is up to me to push him on this. If left alone, he will not bring it up. He did mention it one day last week and said "I don't mean to hurt your feelings'. I avoided LBing and saying, Why would my feelings matter to you now, you didn't think of them before?! and I just said I appreciate that. I am learning to think before I say things (sometimes). He has not read about LBs so it's hard when he does them, I tend to respond with LBs, even though I know it's bad.

I am getting frustrated with what I perceive from him to be lack of commitment to working on the M. He knows that we need to put the kids to bed earlier so that we can talk, but yet, they start watching a movie late so that I'm ready to go to sleep before it is even over. Harmonie, has your H come along with doing any of the MB stuff? I know that you had said he was reluctant to do it. What has helped you?

Anyway I think I will be checking out the boards today, but will try not to go into the depressing ones. Sometimes I like to look at the ones that have 0 or only a couple replies and post a quick message so the poster knows that someone is out there.

Will check in later, or at least tomorrow when you guys are back . I miss you!!

Good Morning,

How was the weekend for you guys?
I am grateful to have today off of work, I am always so wiped out on Mondays as it is. Now today, I am recovering from spraining my right ankle!LOL!!!
YES, ladies, I am the perpetual clutz! LOL!
I messed up while trying to sled down a hill yesterday and used my heels to slow down when I was going to fast, thus breaking the heel of my boot......
We were at my SIL's house for our neices' B DAy party and they have a great hill for sledding! Not so great for me though! When will I learn??? LOL!!!
While at my SIL's house, H was absoluetly sweet and loving to me all day. I think what percipitated this wonderful show of affection was that we had a very nice talk on the way there. (long drive)
I told my H that I had an appology and a confession of sorts to make to him. After a lot of thinking about the dynamics of our marriage, our age difference and life experiences, I realized how much I have discounted my H's feelings, and "looked down" on him in some respects.
He has said on occaision, in the past, how he hated that I would speak to him as I would one of our children. I admitted to him that I was aware of doing this andthat I was sorry for treating him that way. That since he was only 21 when we met(I was 30) I was aware that he did not have as much "life experience" and I was so used to being in charge all the time and in some ways, allowed him to not be responsible because of this. Shoot, for years he didn't even know his way driving around all the cities we live by. I had to allways be the driver! He never looked into anything on his own, always asked me to do things for him.
As our marriage went on, I grew resentful and felt as though I did have 5 kids, rather than 4! So I consiously and sub-consiously treated him this way.
He was very touched by my acknowledging this. It was very huge for him to hear me say this and I could see it.
He has also been gaining understanding from my perspective about the in equality of our marriage. That I want/need him to be more involved in the running of our home and family. Not just provide a pay check and play with the kids kind of man. I expressed my need for having him take more of a role of leadership in our relationship so I could feel like someone was taking care of me once in a while.
I think he gets this. As for me, I realise this puts me into a postion of being more vulnerable , emotionally at least. But I also think it is 1 way that I may be able to rebuild trust between us, for both of us. It empowers him in that he feels more in control and has a say in our marriage, family and $ decisions. For me, it will eventually help to ease my stress levels and my "control issues".
He has a lot of work to do to move into this sort of role, and I can hopefully help him ease into this with out too much struggle.

As for the MB stuff.... Like you said, it is going to be up to me to "push" this stuff. He just isn't the kind of person to read stuff like this or take the time to do work sheets. I have to accept this. But he is open to listening to me talk about something I have learned. It is hard sometimes though to know how to share things when we have limited time to do everything we do- do.
I still have not asked him if he would consider going to a new MC with me. But the more I think about it, the more I want to. I just feel we could get so much more out in the open , not just about the "A", but about our emotions from the conflicts we have had from the past and the issues we have NOW in our relationship. This is a NEW marriage post "A". Neither of us wants things to go back to how they were. I certainly don't! I have begged all these years for H & I to find a better way to learn how to communicate, improve the level of trust and intimacy (not sf) and how to be better parents together as a team.
But to open up the dialog and find uninterupted time to discuss issues and to also not loose focus on the topic is going to have to start with a counselor I believe. We simply don't have the communication skills yet to do all this on our own.
Well, I better run *limp* LOL!
Thanks for letting me think out loud as it were! Writting to you guys really does help me get my thoughts in to perspective sometimes. And it is so nice to get feedback. My journal can not do that! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Be Well & have a great day!

Hey Mamafish,
I saw your post to Loy about the nursing and antidepressants. My susband was not having an affair during pregnancy and post partum, but I was extremely depressed. I have bouts of depression as well as severe post partum.

I am a strong advocate of nursing, too. My first child nursed for 13 months. I was determined to nurse the 2nd, to avoid AD's. I did, but now I regret it. This may be controversial, but it was and is my experience and my opinion.

The first year of her life is now a blur to me. Depressioin robbed me of the wonderful memories I should have had of her.

I so wish I would have stopped nursing and taken care of me. It would have made me a better mom for her. However, that is now hindsight.

I understand the importance of nursing, but I also understand the importance of being emotionally healthy. Please weigh the pros and cons.

I so wish I remembered her firsts like I do with my son. It hurts to know that I really was pretty much checked-out of her first year of life.

take care

Hey Girl,

I had a little time.I thought i would ck in.I have to read that article.From what you said,that could be the cause in some M.This other women acted like she was abused needed someone to talk to.I was at home taking care of everything.I was able to handle everything handed to me.All my sisters they had problems they came to me.I would help anyone,solve what i could.I was able to do so much on my own.I think my H not in so many words said something like.Every looks up to you,they come to you for help.That i always thought of other before myself.To him i bet i seemed like i did'nt need him.I had everything under control.All he had to do is work and everything else i would take care of.I have to read this.I hope i can find it.

My weekend was touch and go.Both friday and sat i was crying just before bed.I sometimes don't need to but i do.I just have to much on my mind at once.Yesterday was a great day.WE spent the whole day repairing our bathroon.What we thought would take two hrs took about ten.I did enjoy it tho.

Sorry to hear you did'nt do you MB.It's just so hard when you have kids.It might not be a bad idea to keep pushing him.Maybe bring them in the bedroom.Maybe see if theres a reason hes not doing it.Maybe hes afraid.

Well i am going to look for that article.
If i don't pop back later,i will be back tomorrow
#1mom

Hi MF,
I too tried nursing, 3 out of 4 kids. Each time I had such problems though and so much more stress, or pain that i'd only make it 1-2 months at best. The depression was then double as I felt like a failure cause I couldn't nurse longer! Sort of a double edge sword! But, it taught me that I can only do what I can do and to fight that which I can not handle or force something that isn't working makes the situation all that more difficult.
Don't be too hard on yourself for having a sketchy memory. I too have forgotten many things about the babies early days. Luckily for me I have some things in pictures to tell me what I may have forgotten. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

Be well,

Harmonie,

Hey just wanted to say hello.Glad you were able to talk to her H a little over the weekend.I just love long car rides.Sorry about your angle.Hope it gets well soon.

That was my problem even tho my H and i are the same age i did everything for him,like he was a kid.everything from getting his clothes out to puttinh his food on his plate,to picking up his dirty plate and clothes.Everything i would do for the kids i did for him too.Yet he worked and brought home the money.

It was just something i got so use to ,something i could'nt stop.Now he sometimres stops me before i do things and says honey i can do that, i will do that.He no longer is letting me.So its like i let go and he grew up.Does this make sence?

We learned how to commuicate on are own,after 13 yrs he now know how to talk to eachother.Yes sometimes we still have our problems and keep them locked inside,but i end up burstibg in tears and in one way or another they come out.This was a big step for us.I don't want to go back to a MC,i went twice.I don't want strangers knowing my life.There are bookd i heard that tell you how to communicate.So mabe ck the bookstore.

Well have to run,hope to hear from you soon.
#1mom

Hi gals,

Glad that you are both checking in today. That made my day...Harmonie, you are right, it's nice to have the feedback/. Sorry about your ankle, but glad that you and your H had such a revealing conversation. I also have done alot for my H as you and numberonemom have described, although he is a bit older than me. He depended on me for alot of things, and then would get upset when I did not do them the way he wanted. Now it seems that he does more for himself, and even does things for me. He is not expecting me to do it all, and when I do start to clean up, etc. , he chips in too. Numberonemom, I think you are right to let go and let your H do more for himself, and for you too. It's also good for your kids to see that Mommy isn't doing everything. I'm very guilty of doing everything too, so I know how it is.

Harmonie, I think you are right to try to find a new MC, if you want to go in that direction. We have only been to one a couple times, and while I question how effective it has been for us, he has helped us to not get sidetracked in issues. My problem with him is that I feel that he is too solution oriented, and wanting me to move forward too fast. I"m just not ready right now. I want to discuss more about the conditions leading up to the A, and how he treated me during the A. This is what I'm trying to deal with now.

Communications skills--we definitely need to learn those. We are struggling with these on a day to day basis, trying not to read too much into what the other person says. I think I will continue to push him on the MB stuff, because if we do some of it, then we will be able to communicate better. When I mention it, he is receptive to it, it's just when it comes down to doing it, it is on the bottom of the list. We need to work on the LBs for example. I know about them but he doesn't, so he doesn't think before doing them. Another thing that I am working on is reaching out to him when I am feeling sad/crying like I was this weekend.

Numberonemom, I hope you found that article. I'll bump it up so it will be easier to find. There was alot of posts that I related to in that.

Moveforward,

I appreciate your comments about nursing and ADs. I nursed my other two for 15 + mos each, while working fulltime. I want to do it for my new baby for at least a year. While I am depressed at times, I would consider taking an AD if it would be safe, and if it would help me to weather the low moods better than now, when I am just on my own. But if there is no safe AD while nursing, I will just carry on. It is difficult but rewarding and thankfully, I have not had any problems doing it since starting off with my DS. Thanks for all the comments!

*****Both friday and sat i was crying just before bed.I sometimes don't need to but i do.I just have to much on my mind at once.****

Hi #1 Mom,

I just wanted to say I know what this feels like, too. Sometimes it is like the mildest triger suddenly gets the mind racing to bigger and worse thoughts.
I actually woke up Sunday with tears in my eyes from a bad dream that I had about the "A".
I dreamt that my best friend found a bunch of cell phone bills behind my desk and they showed that my H was still in contact with "IT". The bill statement actually showed parts of the conversation , like an email text????
Well, It was an upsetting dream, But as we do not even HAVE a CELL PHONE I was able to let it go. But it took me a couple hours to get the bad feelings out of my heart. Told H I was just feeling a little grouchy, then latter confessed it was because of a bad dream about him & "IT".
He hugged me tight and said something like "oh Honey" or something.

I don't mind talking to a counselor about things cause I view them as having an outside objective/perspective. It also helps to have a moderator/mediator. To easy for us to wander off topic, make assumptions, have misunderstandings that can lead to LB's.

What I hate though is pouring out your heart, details and pain only to discover the counselor is an idiot, or still in training or they up and move to a new job and you have to start all over getting comfortable or caught up with someone new. AGH! I hate that!

Well, I have to report, I just got some AWSOME, FABULOUS news.....

H just called and said his Boss wants him to continue working the day shift till the end of February for sure. THEN, they have to get this o.k'd first, But they are going to request that H work from 12 to 8, days. This means NC with "IT" at all unless the skeezer changes shifts or there is a company meeting that includes that shift.
HOORAY! HOORAY!!!!!!!!!!
I told H that is the most wonderful news for all of us, not just me but the kids! They only got to see him for like 45 minutes in the am before school and on Saturdays & Sundays, when he worked the 4-12:30 am shift.
Once school is out, we'll all be able to spend more time together in the evenings and mornings!!!!
I would be jumping up and down, cranking the music and dancing around the house right now if it were not for my ankle!!!!! LOL <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

I just wanna shout THANKYOU GOD for guiding my prayers and dreams to come true! I held on to my hopes and put my faith out there on the line..... But sceptic that I am didn't really know in my heart that this was going to come to be! I wanted to believe but I always say I will when I have "proof" .... Well...... Here's my sign!

Be Well,