Hi #1Mom,

Good morning. This will be quick, but we had a great night. He came out to the car and gave me a big hug and said I know you had a rough day. I didn't realize how I sounded. Then he told me to go in and take a bath and he was going to take care of the kids. So it was a really nice night, he cleaned up, I relaxed. This morning he got up with me, made coffee, ironed my clothes and helped get the kids ready so that we were able to get out on time.

Yes, I"m excited about tomorrow. I just emailed everyone at work. I told H that I just want to hang out w/ him and that you suggested this week since next week he will be working. I'm going to get all the articles, etc out that I want him to read. There was a post last week about responsiblities of the BS and WS, that I'm going to give him. He was telling me that he doesn't know what I want him to do sometimes when he tries to do more, it seems like he does the wrong things. So, I will give him this and see if we can get alot of talking out so that we can move forward.

Well, since I"m off tomorrow, I really really have to get to work. I will check in later this afternoon.

I hope you have a great day...

Harmonie, I hope you have a chance to check in with us....

hey girl,
good for you.I'm glad he came out and gave you a hug.hope you enjoyed that bath.i love when my hubbie runs one for me.i think i like the bubble bathes even better.
is'nt it great to have someone to help in the morning?
It's hard telling them what we need them to do.we don't want to seem like we are in control.so its good when they ask.it's even better when they do it on there own.
i'm happy for you.
well its hard typing when you hace a baby in your hand.i'll ck back later
#1mom

Hi,
Just taking a break to have some coffee and check in. Yes, it is soooooooo wonderful to have help in the morning. that is my downfall...getting out the door on time. He tends to sit back and watch me scramble around trying to get everything done. He wouldn't want to interfere. Then he would say you're late again... Or at least he used to. Remember, when he was working, I wouldn't see him in the am so had to do it all on my own. He figured I was used to it, had my routine, so he wouldn't help. Then I'd end up being later on the days he was home, because I would EXPECT his help and he wouldn't do anything. I mean, literally he would bring the baby out to the car to help me, and leave all the bags that go along with it (diaper bag, etc). When I said something to him, he really didn't see it or realize what he was doing (or not doing).

Now he knows that I need help. I try to tell him how much I appreciate it so he feels needed, and that I don't mind him helping. I have to work on my organization skills, all around. A big problem of ours is communication so we are trying to work on that and not misread each other.

yes, it's hard to type w/ a baby in your arms. I have figured out ways to do almost everything w/ a baby in arms...I should do yoga w/ all the weird poses I get myself into!!

Have a good day!

I too make sure i always say please thank you,and yes at times sorry.I know we still keep things in,but not half as much as we use to.The important things come out at least.

I am glad my H helps me.He now realizes how hard it was on me.We both do things together it is so nice.I actully have more engery than ever.My dr says my RA seems to being doing better.Something has to be going right.

So what are you planning for tomorrow?
let me know
#1mom

Hi,

Yes, it really is amazing how much energy you have when your H helps out at home. At least he knows now. I'm not picky either, you know about how something is done. As long as it gets done, I don't care. That's good that you have seen the positive effects on your RA/health too. Even more incentive for him to really feel that he is helping you.

My plans for tomorrow are to bring the girls to daycare as usual, bring son to school..have breakfast w/ H and then he will go to son's school..When he comes back around 11:30, then we can talk. I want him to do some reading of the basic stuff, or I will read it to him. Then I would like us to go over our EN answers. I may also go over my list of questions, not sure yet. I kind of want to get it all out and over and done with. Make this the last really big talk about the A, so that we can just focus on MB stuff after this. I know that he does not want to keep talking about the A so if I tell him that I will feel better once I get it all out, maybe he will be more receptive.

Then we'll go pick the kids up and come home for dinner, etc.

Sounds good.I hope you get the answers you need.This way you can put it behind you and move on.

If i don't talk to you have a great night and a great day tomorrow
#1mom

Hi there,

I'm looking forward to the day off, even though I am really busy today.

You have a good night and day tomorrow. I will check back with you on Friday morning w/ an update. Maybe Harmonie will be back by then....i'm sure our posts will really be buried by then!

See ya later

Hi Mom's,
I have not had time to even get on the computer for the past 3 days! That sux!
And of course , as I look at the clock I am almost out of time now...have to get ready for work.
Things have been going well, I suppose for me. Other than I am having bad triggers and dwelling thoughts at times.
WHY????? Out of the blue things will pop in to my head, questions that I want H to answer that I can not get the nerve to ask him. WHY?
I know that if I ask questions he will answer me, kind of, (dosn't divulge details)... but then I end up getting more questions in my head, and wonder WHY even more.
The other day I bought a cd that I have always wanted by k.d.lange. I have the tape but never play it. Any way, It has the song "Constant Craving" on it. I LOVE this song and sometimes sing it at Kareoke. H loves the way I sing it too. BUT .....
"IT" was listed in H's email address book as
"endless craving"...... WTF??? I of course deleted her from his account back when I found it. But now I feel that my love of that song has been "tainted" because of this similarity of the names.
I told H once that I was taking that name "endless craving" away from "IT" and I "claim it" that it no longer exisists.... But I can not, or should I say HAVE NOT, been able to really erase the pain it causes.
Anyway, I tried to play the cd and I was enjoying it until Constant Craving came on. I knew I would probablly have trouble hearing it, but I was not honestly prepared for the reaction I had. I went into a full blown panic attack as the chorus played... OMG! My H walked in to the room as I was crying and I quickly shut the cd player off and he gave me a hug. I started crying harder and he said to me "That will always be your song" ...he knew why I was so upset with out my saying anything.
We were at my mom's house over the weekend when this happened and it was time to have dinner so I didn't get to talk to him about how I felt. I had to "bite the bullet" as it were and go join the family for dinner. I had to work incredibly hard to push everything out of my mind and pull myself together.
This was on Sunday, and I still have not talked to H about any of my feelings. But as this week has gone on I have felt more and more desperate.
Now tonight, he is going back to my mom & Dad's place for the weekend to go ice fishing with his buddy. This is going to be a very difficult weekend for me I think. And to make things worse, 2 of the girl friends that I would normally hang out with are going away for the weekend as well!
So, I feel like I am going to be really "lost" over the next 3 days! AGH!
I hope you guys will be here this weekend as I will probably be on the computer alot since I am being "abandoned" (lol) by everyone. LOL. But I do look forward to having time on the computter for a change.
I have to go... I am SOOOO late to get ready for work!GRRRR! I plan to come back on here later this evening, I hope I catch one of you on here.
Thanks for letting me vent!

BE WELL!!!!

Harmonie,

Good to hear from you. I''m sorry that you are having a tough week, and I'm sorry that I will not be online at all this weekend. I only have a computer at work...Maybe NOM can check in with you...

I understand what you are going through with the Constant Craving song, and even better, your H also does. The fact that he came and gave you a hug and said it was your song speaks volumes. But I know how you feel about getting more desperate because you have not been able to discuss it. It is eating away at you until you do, and now he and your friends are away for the weekend. If I were you, I would take the time as much as possible, to truly identify your feelings. Write in a journal, write on the computer or these boards. Get it all out. Identify how you are feeling and what you think will make it better...

There is a post called Recovery Responsibilities of the WS/Bs posted by Want2Bstrong. I just posted to it. On this, there is a link to an article posted by Suzet*. I will try to copy and paste this in our thread. I think it will help you to have your H read this. I did this yesterday and he seems to understand more of what is his responsibility and not just asking me to get over it. We went over a lot of questions and even though it hurt to get details, I told him that i felt better afterwards.

Nom,
We had a difficult draining discussion, but it was good. I got alot of my qts answered and he was glad that I felt better afterward. I said I know it's hard for you, and he said, no it's not hard for me. It's hard for you and I don't want to hurt your feelings.

So we made some progress there. I will try to post more later today to give you more of an update. I came in early today and now am going to get coffee and get to work.

Any plans for your weekend, number 1 mom?

Harmonie,
Glad to hear from you.I wish things were going better for you.I know what you mean about triggers.It's a pain in the butt.No matter what your doing,something could always find it's way into your head about the A.

I am glad he hugged you and said the song was yours.It's not like she liked it.She probally don't know what good music is.So take back your song and don't think twice.

I usually don't come on on the weekends.Like spending time with hubbie.I will ck on both days for responces from you.Maybe you can go pamper yourself.Maybe take the little ones bowling or to a movie.

I know i would fall apart if my H went away.I could'nt handle it.

I know i hold things in for way to long.It's like i don't want to bring up stupid things up.Somethings i know are just so tiny,but it will eat at me to i ask.

Will this ever go away?

Well have a great night i will ck in sometime tomorrow to see how you are.
Take care of yourself
#1mom

Mamafish,

How are you?And how was your day off?I did miss checking in with you.Did everything go as planned.I see you did ask alot of questions.I hope later you can fill me in.

Are you busy there at work?I did read the recovery by suzet before.i read it when i first came here.Has good info.

I been alright these past few days.I will not be getting any stickers tho.Had some hard times.I hope to find myself back at day eight sometime soon.

Well i will ck back soon.
#1mom

Hey numberonemom,

It didn't go as planned (what ever does?!) but it went. I said that I have a bunch of questions and he answered them (I said them from memory not from my list, and not all of them) but he was really direct about it. He said that it was just a sex thing, they were kind of flirty with each other. On a day that we had gotten in a huge fight, he flirted with her and she said when are you going to come home w/ me? and he said how about today (end of shift) and so they went to her place and had sex. What is with this woman? I would never dream of talking to anyone like this, let alone a married coworker. But anyway, that's how it started. I was thinking that maybe they had been meeting at breaktimes, etc, but that was not the case.

Anyway, I got alot of questions asked and answered. It was draining, I was crying alot. He was getting defensive. So we stopped after about 2 hrs. Later that night I told him that I knew it was hard for him to answer the qts and he said that it wasn't hard for him, but he knew it hurt my feelings and he did not want to do that. I told him that it all hurts, every last bit of it, but that I need the answers and the knowing is worse than the not knowing. He was glad that I felt better.

I also had an astrological reading last night from a psychic astrologer that My friend uses (the one that I told about the A). She was right on the money with what has been going on in my life. I could not believe it. She said that I am going through mid=life, which is age 37 - 40 and that the planet Uranus has been in my orbit and that it caused the earth to shake and my world to shatter because it needed to. This planet causes chaos but it had to happen in order to become the person I am meant to be. She sees a new beginning in the marriage, and also my H's job also had to have an earthquake destroy it. She said that I need to evaluate if my emotional needs are being met, see where i want to be as a woman, person, in the workplace. It was really interesting and accuate. she said that my H is absolutely in Midlife crisis and that he was terrified of losing his family and me, that he loves us, that he had some feelings for OW but it was not love. That even though it may seem that he doesn't see my suffering, he does, he just doesn't speak on it.

so that all made me have a real sense of peace. She cautioned that he will want to sweep things under the rug, due to his sign (Aries), but that I have to deal with all of my feelings in order to build the marriage on solid ground.

Sorry that you have had a rough couple of days. I hope your weekend is better. I know that I am in for it now because it was a year ago that this started. I said something about the Super Bowl, though, and he said that she was not at that party that he went to.

I think the toughest thing for me is that he was not thinking of my feelings or how I would feel about it, because he thought I would never find out. That bothers me alot. I guess it's a man thing , or maybe a WS thing. HE was definitely in the FOG bigtime.

We talked about sex, and guess what? She told him that she was hornier than most women and he made her have 15 orgasms in one session...I told him that she had to have been faking it/lying to him. I don't think that is even physically possible...I am going to say to him tonight, why don't you show ME how I can have 15 orgasms?! I'm just amazed that he would even believe that? Definitely in the fog bigtime!!

Well, what are your plans for the weekend? We are going to my son's school tomorrow for a fun fair, and on Sun we will go to church and then drive to RI to see his new company and have a nice lunch. We used to go there all the time (Newport especially) when we were dating and before the kids were born. We haven't been there in over 6 yrs. So it will be really nice, even if we have the kids. We used to talk about how we would bring our kids someday years ago, before they were born. It's like your Niagara Falls.

Oh, I also told him about your trip to NF and how you want new rings and to renew vows, just the two of you. He liked that idea that it was just personal. I told him that I wanted him to get a ring too (he never had one), and he said that women mess w/ married men too much, and he didn't really want one. I said, that didn't prevent anything from happening last year and maybe it would REMIND him about me. He shut up and said okay I will wear one. DUH! Sometimes he just doesn't get it!

Anyway, yes I'm busy but I will try to check in by 5. If I miss you, have a great weekend and try to keep your spirits up!!

hey girl,

I really don't have much time.Just wanted to say have a great weekend.I will hopefully have a great weekend.I will keep my sprits up.

I'm glad you got most of those questions answered.As for 15 orgasms(YEAH RIGHT)People will say anything for the attention.

Talk to you later
#1mom

Hey Ladies,

Just a shout out to bump this up and say hello and hope you had a good weekend....

Will check in a bit later.

hello there mama,

Well friday was horrible,sat and sun great.Today hit or miss.

How was your weekend?

I will update you later.I have to make lunch soon and put the little girl i watch down.

#1mom

Hey number one,

Well, I know what you mean. My weekend had a lot of ups and downs also. I think my H was stressing over starting his new job. Too much to get into now. But I told him last night that I was not feeling his commitment to work on the marriage, that he just wanted to sweep it all under the rug and that every time I mentioned going over the ENs, he would put it off. I got very frustrated. He said, well when do you want to go over it, so I said, I wanted to do it for 3 wks, and I stopped asking because you keep putting off going over it with me.

We had a nice day on Sat, beautiful weather, took the kids to the school fair, got them new sneakers, did shopping. I even told him that it was a perfect day in my eyes, as we had not done this in such a long time. Even had some good SF on Sat night. Yesterday he was tired so we did not go to church (I didn't mind, I was tired too).

Anyway this morning at 5 am, he got up and was getting ready for work and told me that he understands that he has to rebuild my trust, that it's not just automatic.

I am feeling like I am going backwards in a way. Like how he did not consider my feelings while he was in the A. I thought I was past this, because I know he was in the fog and all...but I am feeling like, does he really know what our wedding vows meant to me? Maybe this is a normal stage to go through. I just think he doesn't understand how devastating this was (and is) for me....I am questionning what he wants in our marriage. I guess I'm just feeling very insecure, which is probably because he will be working so far away, and because this all started a year ago at this time. I know the reasons why I'm feeling it. I just need more reassurance from him.

When I came home on Friday night, one of his friends had asked him to go out but he said he understood his situation, so knew he probably wouldn't be able to. I told H that it would be a long time before I would say Ok to him going out like that.

Mamafish,

I think we will have ups and downs for the rest of our lives.Down the road they might be years apart but i think they will always be there.We will never forget.

On Thurs i had my H sign my son up for soccer.I had no idea he was agaisnt it.My son gets intrested in something one month and the next month its something else.So he really did'nt want to sigh him up.I had no idea.the paper was on the frig for weeks.I brought it up alot.He never came right out and said this is a bad idea.So this was are first disagreement in a yr.I was in tears.It made me afraid.i did something he did'nt like(Will he leave i thought to myself.)
He was like its okay to disagree.We will do this more and more as the kids get older.Next time we will sit down and talk if one of us is in different with something.So this had me upset even worse friday night.I could'nt even calm down.

Sat was great we did our taxes,got more than we thought back.Did some shopping for food.Then i had to go to work.Sun we bought a new computer.Pretty nice too.

My H has not gone out since this happened.Well one time he watched a friend play cards for like a half hour if that.He use to help his brother who was in a band.Every other week or so he would go help with the lights for the band.Now his brother don't even ask anymore.He was always saying no.He says he loves staying home.He loves being with me.He knows i might not ever let him go out without me.Hes okay with that.

Remember they say for every step you take forward you will go back two.Hey i was up two stickers till this morning.My house was clean all weekend.Thanks to me on Fri doing an awsome job.Sometime yesterday i think a tornado went thru and destoryed everything.Once everyone left this morning and it set in i have to clean this.I sat on the bed and cryed.Not for long.

Now have you heard from your hubbie yet?Will he be able to call you at all?

I will ck back later
#1mom

Hi there,

Yeah, your're right about the ups and downs. As long as there are more ups than downs, we will be okay.

Your H is right about the disagreements. There will be many more to come in the next few years. We have run into a bunch of them since our son started school. It's all new to us with all the activities. I am signing him up for soccer and tee ball for the first time...

Don't be afraid that your H will leave you over this. You are already a year into recovery. You will have arguments, that is a part of marriage. Have you gone to the forum on this site, Resolving Conflicts? I haven't but maybe you could check it out. Although you know the Harleys', will say you need that Agreement of Joint Cooperation, or whatever it's called.

My H just called on his lunchbreak to say everything is going well. He likes it so far and everyone is nice. He got there early, which he likes. I told him I loved him and I was glad that he was having a good day. I don't want to upset him on his first day of work. I didn't want to upset him last night, but had to get this off my chest.

He hasn't gone out since DDay with any of his friends. The one who asked him on friday night knows about everything so he understood. he has asked him a couple times. I did meet another of his friends a week or so ago. This was his "best' friend that i had never met, who knew about everything the whole time. He is married w/ 2 kids and told me that my H was never leaving us, and that he loved me. He is a good influence on my H as he had tried to get him to stop the A at the time. He sees my side of it. He used to work at the casino but left, and said that he would never go back there either.

I told my H that I never was the one to say he "couldn't " go anywhere, but now I am. I have a good reason now, and he will have to rebuild the trust, it doesn't just come easy. My H was never one to go out w/ the guys alot, just once in a while. I never minded it before.

Well, it's good that you had your house really clean on Friday, but now dig in and get it clean again. YOu will feel better, and put all your emotions into it. I know how it is...you get it all done and then are busy on the weekend and let things go.

We also got money back. I'm trying to save it and put it towards bills, but we did do some shopping. He needs to get some clothes for work because he had a uniform at the old job. I could use some clothes, but you know me, I can wait for those...

Did you get anything for yourself for Valentines' Day yet? I didn't. I looked at Walmart when I was there, but didn't see anything. I told him that I had wanted to go to Victoria Secrets but didn't think I would get there. He said he will get me something he would like to see me in since he will go right by the mall on his way to work. I still may buy some sexy underwear or bra or something.

Talk to you later!

No the only think i bought so far that i wanted was a new phone.sometimes i just don't like spending the money.As for V-day i have'nt found anything yet.Wal-mart has crap this yr for sexy clothes.I think i seen something at kohls that i like.A little bit more than i will normally pay.But better than wal mart.

I'm glad your H called you.It makes me feel good when mine calls.Like today he called and said just calling to say i love you.That was bascilly it.Sweet HuH.

O will get new under clothes when we actully have our money.Probally a few sexy things.We too have so many bills to try and pay off.Last year was rough.We spent alot of time eating out and at the mall.Si i really want less bills this year.Si iwill pay them and then spend money on my self.

Talk to you later
#1mom

Hey, I'm the same way --I want to get our bills taken care of. We spent some money on stuff the kids needed, and he needed. I will get my underwear and etc later. I told my H that I needed some new things--that's how we got started talking about Victorias Secret. I will pay off some bills and then take a little money and buy for myself. I definitely need new bras and underwear. Last year, I was wearing maternity stuff, so it's been a while. I had to guess on what my size would be for him. He is afraid that I am losing too much weight and he knows it's his fault. If I hadn't had that extra baby weight, I probably would be a toothpick right now.

Yes, Walmart's stuff just seemed real trashy to me. Maybe it's just me and my attitude these days. I asked him on Thurs when he first noticed her, and it was when she bent over in front of him and had a thong on. Well, yeah, that'll get your attention! So, I just think that she must be really trampy. I thought of her when I was looking at all the stuff so that put me in a bad mood. Haven't looked at Kohls, but thanks for the idea. There is one only 10 min from my job so I could go over there at lunch. That is the only time I get to go shop on my own. My girls' daycare is only 5 min from my job, so I go pick them up right after work...Maybe I will check Kohl's this week...

I love when my H calls me during the day. I didn't want to call his cell phone and bother him, but I was thinking of him when he called. When he worked nights, I would not hear from him during the day, so it is nice to get the call. Your H sounds really sweet and caring. My H is working on saying the ILYs more often. I find myself saying it first (okay by me since he will say it back), so it's nice when he says it first.