Hi numberonemom,

I'm back...I went out to Walgreens...Hey, listen, I got some little gifts for my H for V-Day...Lovers Lotto cards (you scratch off for what to do), Lovers Dice (roll the dice for what to do and where..rub my back, caress my ...), and Conversation Cards (these are questions to get to know your spouse)...these were all like $2- 3...cheap...and I found them right next to the kids' valentines boxes...I'm really happy... I was trying to think of some little gifts for him and I think these will be good.. YOu have the SF and the conversation ENS met here...I was surprised to find these at Walgreens...

Anyway that is wonderful about your H and his drawing...really awesome!! And I'm glad that he is so understanding about your feelings last night and it turned out to be a great time...on that post we both read, I am going to try to take the advice to show him how sex can be the best ONLY if it is with someone you love. I thought that was a great point that she made, and I liked the comment about marriage being two trees. I have to go back and print it.

I don't think cheating has to do w/ loving your spouse either...the thing that sucks is that the WS forgets, or puts us out of their mind...my H said that he never stopped loving me, never stopped being attracted to me, says that I'm still the sexiest woman in the world to him....I know that he is trying to make me feel better, and I believe him, BUT it makes me want to say, than why on earth did you do this?? The thing that saddens me is that if he had only talked to me before he jumped into bed with her, and told me how he felt, this could all have been avoided...I hope that the work we are doing on our marriage will make it so that he would not hesitate to talk to me about any problems...we are not there yet but I hope to be....I have to remember that it's only been a few months...it takes time...I feel like, why could he not come talk to me, but at that point, I can understand why he couldn't....This is something that I have to take responsibility for and that hurts alot....

Yeah, the MB stuff is pretty good and I think it will help us if we ever get to it...I know that I do alot of love busters that I don't mean to do, because I don't realize it...he gets annoyed at the little things...I don't, he does annoying things too but I don't get mad or upset over most of them....I don't think that you need to follow MB to recover...you are a perfect example of a recovery without following the MB principles to a T...but I think that it is a good start and I believe the whole thing about meeting EN s and the Love Bank and all that...the POJA I will not use...I like the 15 hr time alone, but don't see that happening very soon...And the radical honesty policy, well that of course is a given...I think the biggest problem in our M was LACK OF COMMUNICATION...This led to no conversation between us, which led to no SF between us...As long as you are communicating, you will be fine...

The Love Languages book has been referred to alot when you read some of the posts, mostly about expressing feelings and sex...It sounds from what I've heard about it, like some people express their love in one way, and some in others, and you need to learn what love language your spouse speaks...It sounds interesting...

Hi numberonemom,

I meant to also write that I also come to this site to understand that I am not alone, and how other WS were, it helps me to see how he felt at the time, especially since he is not sharing alot of that with me now.

Back later

|Hi Moms......

Sorry I am always MIA... I spend so much time lurking and reading and trying to soak up so much info that I run out of time to post myself. I have so much happening in the last 2 weeks to post about , too and I just can never find the words to start , so I don't post anything at all.
I have mostly been writting in my journal when I am on my break at school. But of course I get no feedback from that...LOL.

Of course I am almost out of time here this am as I have to get ready for work soon. But, |In a nut shell, here is some of what has been going on......

I have written to my H in our notebook about EN's that I have for communication and domestic support. We have (I should say I have) talked about it with him. I have asked for responses from him and have not gotten anything from him. He just sits there, starring at me, says very little if anything. I have also said I can understand if he needs time to think about what I have said and if he wants to talk later with me about things he is thinking about that would be great. He never does bring anything up or initiate communication.
The biggest thing though is that he informed me last Sunday night that he is going to start working on the 3rd shift at work again, starting this Sunday night. 10 - 6 am. |THI|S is the shift the FOW, |IT, works!!!!! He first told me he had NO CHOICE in the matter as they just hireda new guy and he is being placed on 2nd shift. I complained that how could they do that to him when he has been there longer and should have firsst choice of what shift he wants. He said that if he complained they would say |"take 3rd shift or here's the door" .....
Last night I brought up the whole thing about my insecurities of him working all night with IT and asked "what is your plan to avoid contact with I||T while you are at work?" He says he is going to find out when people are scheduled for their breaks and make sure he takes his at a different time than IT. I said "what about when IT comes over to your area and hangs around you like she does?" He could not answer that one. |He knows I am right about that, too, cause I saw her do this when I went in to work with him one day. |IT made a point of showing me how "closley" she can work around him and insert her scummy self into the situation.
|Well, THEN, I brought up how I thought it was so un fair of the company to not let him have a choice in the shift he works and how they could let a new guy come and get 2nd shift. I said I didn't believe that was how it went down cause I recalled him saying that he hated 2nd shift and that cause his boss had 1st shift I suppose that is why he is on 3rd. He said that was the truth of it. I was furious!!!!
He friggin LIED to me then in the beginning of this whole thing by saying he DIDN'T have a choice!
He made this decision knowing full well I would freak out about him working this shift with IT. He tried to cover it up by saying he had no choice! Then I got the truth out of him cause he forgot about the lie he told me.

He says he is not going to this shift because of IT, and that by going to this shift he will be getting a sizable raise and shift differential. Again I had to reiterate that it is NOT always about the $$$$!!!!!! What is more important? Your Job or your family? Giving your WIFE some peace of mind, saving your marriage or the almighty dollar?

He just sits there with a blank look on his face. Doesn't respond, doesn't try to reassure me, doesn't say a flipfloppin' word.

I told him how this is the kind of crap I am talking about when I say we NEED open & honest communication! NO MORE LIES!!!! And here again he has lied! Acted with out regard to MY FEELINGS!

My TAKER has been getting real antsy lately as it is and has been hard to keep her in check. Go figure?

I still feel as if he wants everything to just be brushed under the rug and refuses to work with me to bring closure to all the problems of the past, to try to learn NEW ways to do things and comunicate and change old behaiviors to new, positive ones that will improve and benefit us.

|
As Lemmon man says "some people just don't get it. some just don't get that they don't get it" or something along those lines.

I am late for getting ready for work so I have to hit it in high gear now. Hopefully I will be back later!
By the way, Who is the Piceces here? I am one, March 5th.

Be Well,

Hi Harmonie,

Well,Welcome back, we missed you...I understand what you mean about lurking and not having time to post...there have been alot of good threads lately that I have been following...

Okay, last question first, Numberonemom is the Pisces, I am the Taurus... that was an easy one...

I completely know what you mean about your H and these statements you made:
"I told him how this is the kind of crap I am talking about when I say we NEED open & honest communication! NO MORE LIES!!!! And here again he has lied! Acted with out regard to MY FEELINGS!

My TAKER has been getting real antsy lately as it is and has been hard to keep her in check. Go figure?

I still feel as if he wants everything to just be brushed under the rug and refuses to work with me to bring closure to all the problems of the past, to try to learn NEW ways to do things and comunicate and change old behaiviors to new, positive ones that will improve and benefit us. "

I have been dealing with similar feelings. This week has been very hard for me...My H has lied to me also...but the thing about him changing shifts when he had told you a while ago that he would stay on the current shift, concerns me. The fact that he lied is one thing...The fact that IT works that shift is another. I would tell him that you need him to come up w/ a firm plan of avoidance...there is a thread on "Affairs in the workplace"...find it, print out the list of things that need to be done to avoid As...Give this to him. And NC means NC...He will have to come up with something to tell her when she comes hanging around him, to make it clear that he wants NOTHING to do with her...Maybe he should write a NC letter...? I realize that they will still have contact at work, but he must make it clear to her that they are over and that he is committed to your M....this HAS to happen...do not give in on this.

I really feel for you, Harmonie...My H asked me if I would want him to go back to the casino and I told him No...The money is not worth it...As you said above...The casino almost cost me my marriage, and the job is not worth the price that we both paid for it. I'm sorry that you are going through this...I have been riding a rollercoaster of going back into the past this week also.

I hope it gets better for you and your H...just hang in there...I'm hanging on by a thread, but at least I'm hanging on...

Glad that you are back!

Mamafish,

Hey how are you?I am just fine.Gee i have'nt been here in a bit.I been busy doing some shopping.Also with babysitting.

So what has been going on?How was you weekend?Mine was really nice.We took the kids to built a bear over the weekend for V-day.Had a really nice time at the mall.I had to come home and go to work.That sucked.It was only for a few hours.
Before i left there was a number on my phone with the first few numbers starting with the prefix the same as its.I was upset at work.I knew it was'nt her number.I just was'nt sure whos it was.I can home told my H.We came on line looking it up.We had no luck.He knew i was upset.It almost ruined our perfect day.He even left to go try it at a payphone.No answer.When he came back you knew he was really bothered by it too.He said i have my life back now.He was upset.After a while he was thinking and we realized it was the new bank that opened up in her area a while back.Not one that he has to go to.Just one he deals with over the phone.He took someones car on friday.The were really behind on payments.The loan was taking out from that bank.The manager was trying to contact my H for info on the car.See all this upset for nothing.

Last night was nice.We went to bingo.Did'nt win but it was fun.We have been doing well.I think out of 14 days i have ten stickers.

Hey yesterday while in Wal-mart i found that book.The five languages.It was by all these books for V-day.Of course i had to get it.I can't wait to read it.

You should go over to recovery.A lady is there posting after six yrs.She is taking questions.It's called six years out and thriving.She has already gottin alot of questions.I just it.It is helpful.

Are you ready for tomorrow/I am excited.I got my hair done on Sat.I had the hairdresser,actully it was her idea.Anyway she put red,blonde and brown highlights in my hair.It looks awsome.I love it.I hope our night goes tomorrow as planned.WE are going out to dinner as a family.I want the kids to go to bes early.If possible.Then the rest of the night i hope is spent in the bedroom.I have my nice sexy yellow nightgown.Well if you want to call it that.I'm hoping it don't stay on long.

What are your plans?
Well i will ck back later
#1mom

Hey numberonemom,

That is good that you were busy last week, and got all those stickers...that is probaby the key...it's too bad that you both got upset over that phone number, but glad that you figured out what it was, and it was nothing....

We had an up and down weekend. We had a really awesome night of SF on Thursday night...he did some new things and I tried my best not to think he did them with her...It was tough but I managed to get through and enjoy it...he said he was going to wait until Val Day to do this, but knew I was stressed out...We even talked about it on Sun and that was interesting, because we haven't really talked about SF much before...need to do that more often too.

Then on Sat I freaked out on him and was ranting and raving, due to drinking too much wine. He just listened to what I said...didn't say very much...We made up yesterday and had a really great day. We got about 1 ft of snow, so didn't go anywhere.

I'm glad you found that book on the love languages...I will check Walmart for it...Let me know how you like it...I may just order it from my library if I can't find it.

He told me that he is stopping at victorias secret and told me to stop and get some massage oil...I didn't buy a sexy outfit, he is going to do that...I bought those other little things I posted last week...He also told me that I should go out and buy some nice bras and underwear for myself later this week. He will keep the kids and I can go and take my time to try everything on...that will be nice! I will just go to Walmart...they have nice basic stuff there.

Your hair sounds really great!!! That is awesome...My hair is dark brown and I've been nervous to get highlights in case I don't like it...

Yes, get the kids to bed as early as possible...that is my plan too...we had a nice dinner last night because I said it will be too tough to do it after work tomorrow night...

Your yellow nightie will not stay on long, I'm sure...that's the point, right?? My plan is the same as yours--in the bedroom....we will be tired in the morning, but it will be a good tired feeling.

I will check Recovery for that thread from that lady at 6 yrs...will be back later on.

Hi Moms.....
Well, I survived H's first night back to the 3rd shift. I had a real hard time sleeping as I could not get myself to relax when I went to bed. I just laid there in the middle of our K size bed with pillows stuffed all around me.
After 2 months of having H in bed with me at bed time every night and getting used to him cuddling me, it was really hard not having him there. It is so wierd cause in 13 years we never cuddled this much before D-day!

H was wonderful to me this weekend. He helped me to set up my own art studio in the small bedroom. This is something I have been wanting and needing for so long and it has finally come together! All my art supplies were always in a common area of our family room and the kids would never stay out of my things, not to mention there was no storage space and the area was quite small due to traffic flow through the area.
Anyway, we both woke up early on Saturday and got to work on the cleaning, moving and organizing of the "studio". Midway through the dayI was overcome by how well we were working together, and how "NICE" he was being to me! It just felt so "different"! I was so happy and the amount of time we spent together talking and working was unlike anything we have ever really done together.

Sunday, He helped quite a bit with cleaning up the house and went out to get a new vacume cleaner as the one we had pooped out 3 months ago! We had been using a "frankenstein" vacume all this time that barely worked. But the special thing about the vacume he bought was that he used HIS gift card for Home Depot that he got from his folks at Christmas, rather than buy the welder he wanted!!!!! How sweet is that?

He wrote to me in our notebook this weekend too, FINALLY!
He wrote about how much he enjoyed helping me get the studio put together and how happy he was spending the time together. Then he wrote about his having to work the 3rd shift. He wrote about all the positive things like being able to spend more time with me and the kids during the day hours rather than missing out on so much that goes on around here. He said he was really angery that he didn't even know that DD#1 was dating a new boy or what the boy's name was! He says he looks forward to helping out with the children after school and the time he and I will have together before kids get home.

Then he wrote asking me not to worry and think the worst about his being at work with "IT", even though he says it is understandable and I probably will anyway.... he knows me SO WELL!!!! He said he loves me and some "other stuff"...

This morning when he came home he was overly tired and quite stuffed up and achey from a cold he is trying to fight. But he took time to talk. I asked if "IT" had tried to talk to him or "anything" and he said no, that "IT" just smiled at him from across the way. I asked him what he would do if "it" came up to him and asked him to go on break or go for a smoke and he says he'd tell "it" NO, he's too busy. I said he should say something a bit more to the point like NO, and please do NOT ask me again or even talk to me anymore. He says that if "it" were to be persistant and try to approach after saying no once he probably would say something to that effect. I asked him again if he would be totally honest and let me know if or whenever "it" approaches him for any reason, work or anything and he says he will..... I hope so... we'll see what happens.

I fell a little guilty for being so on guard and mistrusting when he has been trying so hard to be good to me and loving. But then again, I remind myself he lied to me just as recently as 2 weeks ago about the whole shift change crap, so I have to be ever watchful still. He is a terminal liar and apparently a better one than I had ever gave him credit for.
But as long as I can see he is trying and making efforts to improve then I can keep trying to learn trust again, little by little. I am feeling loved again, and I want that feeling to last.

well, back to the work load.... I am skipping work at my other job cause I had too many things to take care of today at home at the last minute.

Hope you are both well, and that you will have nice Valentines days. I have no clue how we will be able to have any type of V-day celebration as I have to work while he is at home and when I get home hewill haveto leave shortly there after. This stinks big time! Oh well, V-day has always been a disapointment anyways!!!!!.....LOL!

Be Well!!!!

Harmonie,

Glad that you were able to take some time to catch us up on what has been happening with you...I think that is super how your H got you your studio all set up and cleaned up the house...I think that he is making big strides in that area...I understand what you mean about missing him in bed at night. My H worked graveshift for 3 yrs, the last year being the toughest, for obvious reasons (IT). We are now actually sleeping in the same bed at the same time, and I have almost forgotten how it was when he was getting ready for work at 9 pm...and then leaving...we wouldn't see him until 9 the next night when we woke him up...

Anyway, not to get off track...You have to trust him that he is telling you the truth about seeing IT at work...I KNOW that it is TOUGH and hard to do, but you have to try your best...He knows where he wants to be and it is with YOU and the kids...he has told you the benefits of working graveshift are to be with you and the kids during the day. My H liked graveshift for the reason of being able to take care of my son when he came home from school, and if the kids were sick, etc...I work days so was never home then, unless I took a day off for a birthday and we would go do something. Your H understands how you feel and that is the important thing...I think that you can trust your intuition to see if things are more than what he is telling you...I Know in my case, I wish I listened to that inner voice telling me something was wrong...Instead I accepted his lies...I will not do that again...What you need to do is assure him that it is safe for him to tell you if she comes up to him and talks to him...do not explode...you need to let him know that he can tell you without fear that you will get upset with him....Otherwise, he may not tell you because he doesn't want to upset you...be calm...but stick to your guns about NC...Does she work closely with him, that there has to be interaction? Or is IT just someone he would run into at breaktime? He should avoid her whenever possible.

I'm glad you are feeling loved... that has been a big thing for me too...to know that I am loved by H in the things that he does and says...to really FEEL it...it has been a long time since I felt that, but we are getting there...

We had a little Val Day celebration of our own lastnight, unexpectedly...he did buy something at Victorias Secret that I will get tonight....but he treated me to a massage and we were up too late (midnight) as a result..Poor guy had to get up at 5, but at least he had a smile on his face!!

Numberonemom, have a great Valentines Day dinner and loving tonight....

Calling numberonemom and Harmonie...

hope you gals are doing well...just thought I'd check in and see how your weeks are going...hope Valentine's Day went Okay.

I'll be out of the office next week feb 20 - 24) due to the school break, but I will try to get to the library to visit this board and post...I don't know if I can go a whole week without it...

Take care...

Hello there girls,

How have you been.I have been fine.I am really trying to stay away from here.Sometimes it still upsets me.
So how was your V-day.My H ended up sick and called in.We spent time together.Are night did'nt go as planned.I think i expected to much.I ended up in tears.It ended well.He did manage to turn things around.

So anyway any new progess with you Mamafish.I see Harmonie is starting to do well. I am happy for you.

Only a week before i go away.I can't wait.Only me and him from Friday morning to Sunday evening.I am so looking forward to this.Maybe i will come back and be totally off this fence that i been lurking on.

I don't understand why i won't let myself be totally happy.This bugs me.Here my H is a totally different person.Better in every way possible.The person you think only exsists in your dreams.Here i am still living in the past.How the heck do you move forward?

So you have all next week off.Anything planned.I am doing alot of babysitting.I will be busy.At least the kids will have someone to play with.

Well i will cl back later.I might do some lurking on other posts.Only positive ones.
#1mom

Numberonemom,

I've been thinking about you..I'm glad you checked in, but I understand why you have been away...I find that reading some of the post sets off alot of thoughts in my mind...I went into the Emotional Needs section yesterday for the first time just to get away from all the Bs/WS stuff. As bad as my situation is, there are others that are worse and it is easy to get caught up in it...It is probably better for your recovery to step back from this a bit...

I think that Val Day had way too many expectations to ever fulfill them...It was okay. I gave my H a really sentimental card about us being soulmates, and he gave me a funny one about him always being my guy...I wish he got me a sentimental one but...whatever...the night was okay, but no SF...we had that the night before and it was great..

About your not being happy...here is a suggestion...send a post out about it...ask for Ark's opinion maybe...i find Ark posts alot of good stuff..She posted BS...be still...if you haven't read it, do...I asked her a question on how to get my H more involved in recovery and she basically said I am asking for too much too soon, and to slow it down...make the time.. I would be interested in hearing responses on that...I haven't seen a post on that topic and there are alot of recovered BS out there...

So your weekend away is next week..awesome...have a super time...make that post so you can get some responses so that you can truly be happy on your weekend and when you come back.

I saw the Love Languages book at Walmart but didn't buy it...will get from the library.. no big plans next week..my H has monday off but I am keeping the kids home from daycare so we could have a family day...

It's been a tough week...I haven't talked to him much in a day or so...I feel like my expectations are too high and it just makes me feel down...

I will be on here next week when I go to the library...If you would still like to stay in touch by email, and not come on MB, here is my email address [email]akers1013@yahoo.com...[/email]

I will check that also when I go to the library,...besides, our post is getting buried and it takes so long to get to it!!

I'll check back before I leave..but if I miss you, have a super vacation/weekend getaway...and I'll be watching for the post on how to be happy...