Hi everyone, this is my first post. I'm not sure if I have all the forum "lingo" down, so please bear with me. Sorry, this is long!

I found out on Dec. 13th that my husband was having an affair. The way I found out was my yearly pap smear came back positive for chlamydia. I was completely blind-sided. I never saw this coming. The past few weeks I've been in a numb daze.

H is military, just got back from a year overseas and the OW is someone he worked with closely. He admitted that he's inlove with her. His feelings for her "grew over time" but the PA started last April. To make matters worse, they were living in the same barracks, so I can only imagine how easy it was for them to sneak around. (Thankfully, they no longer work together.)

H wants to stay married, he says he loves me although he is confused and can't stop thinking about OW. He promised no contact and I already caught them emailing each other, professing their love for one another. H is a mess, he is despondent, but remorseful. But he says that his feelings about me changed over time. He doesn't know why or when. He says he is not physically attracted to me anymore and he doesn't have the desire to have sex with me. H says he doesn't know what's wrong with him and he wishes he could turn back the clock.

We have been married just a few years. We have one child. We were young and probably naieve when we got married (both of us were in our early 20's). We were both virgins until then because of religious convictions, so this is another reason I am in utter shock over what happened. I look back and think of all the lies he told me and I get so, so sad I can barely stand it.

OW just bought a house a block and a half away from us - all a "coincidence," my H tells me. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> whatever. I know her, but not well. She bought my son birthday presents, which I have returned, but I'm not sure they made it back to her. H seems very protective of her and doesn't want to hurt her. I did email her from H's email account to tell her to stay away from him (H knows about this, he gave me permission to do this from his account.) Of course I have no reason to trust he won't open another email account that I don't know about, but there's not much I can do about that.

H has agreed to counseling, we have already been to one session together. We were talking about possibly separating for a time to sort things out (he's already been in and out of the house several times staying with a friend, always coming back and wanting to work things out), but will that do us any good or just make him pine away for OW? I am so lost and sad right now and I could use any help you guys could offer. IRL, only my best friend knows the situation and I feel I don't have anyone to talk to.

Oh, and one more thing. H & I were going over Dr. Harley's 5 emotional needs for men and 5 for women and it seems like we have struck out on almost all of them. We got so discouraged because Dr. Harley says you should meet at least a few. What's wrong with us?! We both want to hope. But is there any chance for us? Please help! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/teary.gif" alt="" />

It is not too late to start meeting those needs.

Can you afford counseling with one of the Harleys?

Some of the pros will be along. Right now, know you are in a good place for support and encouragement.

It is good that he will go to counseling with you.

Were you tested for other STDs as well?

Is the OW married? If so, you must expose to her husband. Hopefully, he will be an asset to heling break up the affair.

Read Plan A. Do a search her in the forums and you will some really great posts on it.

Have you read Surviving an affair? It is a necessity.

It is not hopeless.

Welcome to marriagebuilders. It is a good place to be under the circumstances.

Start in Plan A. You can read all about it here. It is basically to show him what a great wife you can be. Also it includes no angry outbursts or disrespectful judgements.

See if your husband will write her a no contact letter. It should say that he loves you and wants to work on the marriage and wants no contact with her ever again for any reason.

Plan A also includes exposure of the affair. If the affair does not completely end - no contact at all - you need to start exposing it. You can do it at their work, to family, friends, etc.

Also I think I would move to a different neighborhood.

His attraction to you will come back once the affair is over and he has no more contact with her.

Thank you for such a quick response! The OW is not married. H was in a total bachelor-mode while he was away, living it up with all his single friends.

Yes, I was tested for the other STDs. Thankfully, they were negative. Of course I can't help but worry. They say HIV can take up to a year to show up. H and OW both get tested for this every year (protocol in the military), so H says I have nothing to worry about. But OW should also get a yearly pap and she didn't know she had Chlamydia, either.

I just ordered "Surviving An Affair" and am anxiously awaiting it's arrival.

Thank you SO much.

Hope,

Just hoping if i bump this up somemore people could help.
That book you ordered is a good one.Alot of the books they mention you can get a libaray.I know that made be hard but it will save money.This way you bring them back.The ones i bought i shoot out.Did;nt want reminders you know.

Like people have said no contact is a must.For me i was lucky it ended rigt away for others it takes time.

Remember you could never have to many questions.I am a yr past d-day and i still come here often.

#1mom

Thanks #1Mom. That means a lot.

Can someone say anything about this "fog" everyone talks about? I know my husband must be experiencing this very acutely based on the way he is acting. I know he is very much in withdrawl. I just want to believe that all his confusion about ME is because of the fog. Not because this OW is his soul mate or something. I don't know if I have the amount of endurance I'm going to need for the long road ahead. This is so hard.

Hope,

This may be very difficult for you, but NC is going to be very unlikely seeing that the OW is single and lives close by. Unless you are 100% sure that there is NC, you will need to expose the affair to your husbands chain-of-command. Sounds harsh, I know, and it will really p*ss him off, but drastic measures are often necessary when attempting to save your marriage. You can't trust him at this point.

This will be the most difficult and painful thing you will probably ever go thru, but hang in there, this forum will help you get through it. I am more than 2 years past d-day and still come here.

WhoMe

The fog is their way of thinking about things after they have been exposed to the drug - ie the affair with another person. They do all kinds of crazy things. They leave their families, children, babies.

They rewrite the history of the marriage, say they were never in love, it's always been awful, they will never be attracted to their spouse again, blah, blah, blah.

As you read here, you will see they all say the same things. Sometimes we can even predict how they will behave or what they will say ahead of time. We often joke that there is a wandering spouse handbook.

Believer, that makes sense. H says the reason he is so concerned for our marriage ever recovering is because he remembers having these feelings before he ever met OW. I think he has regret about marrying his first girlfriend (me), plus we were pretty young. I think he feels jipped that he missed out on the bachelor years and that he may have made a mistake. I asked him, if we had talked about this way back then, don't you think we could have worked on our marriage to make it better? And he doesn't know. He says he doesn't know anything anymore. He's made a mess and feels terribly about what he did to me. Does this sound like what's in the "wandering spouse handbook?" Do you think recovery is still possible? What if our marriage was a mistake? We have a child. We don't want it to end. I feel so confused!

Hi, hope16.

Quote:
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What if our marriage was a mistake?
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Your marriage is what both of you make it. Your marriage is about choices.

All the best,
Gimble

WhoMe - that is tough to hear about NC, but I know you are probably right. The thing about revealing the affair to my husband's chain of command is that adultery is a offense punishable by court martial in the military. If I rat him out to his superiors, he could go to prison. And is that really what I want?

Of course, this is exactly what I threatened OW with in my email. I told her I would go through with a court martial against her if she ever tried to contact H ever again. The counselor that I just started seeing recommended I tell her this (perhaps as a bluff), but also said that if I really went through with it, I would lose my husband, as well.

I know where you come from my D-day was Dec 17th. My H is in the military. He is or was having and EA with a MW who's husband is overseas right now. H told me and OW told her H and OH told chaplin next day an chain of command order came down for a NC order. Think if that is what you feel should be done. I did not even know they could do that.

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Maybe one of the vets would be better able to explain, but I don't believe that you have to currently be meeting a few of the emotional needs. I thought that you need to be WILLING to meet the ENs and that you are consciously trying to meet the top 5 ENs. Also, don't forget that typically the top 5 needs are not the same for men and women. If you are both willing to work at meeting the other's ENs, there is definitely hope.

Wow, so what is the outcome for all that? Is your H in trouble legally? Is it going to affect his job, etc? I'd love to know more. Thanks for your response.

Yes. You could have. You still can.

It sounds like you have read through some of the Basic Concepts, so you may have heard the terms Love Bank, Emotional Needs (EN's), and Lovebusters (LB's).

If your H had been open with you about the issues in your marriage that he was dissatisfied with, you could have responded accordingly.

The lack of openness and honesty on his part left him vulnerable to allow someone else to meet his EN's.



You both have choices here. It is possible to have a marriage that is better and more rewarding than it ever was before. Sometimes, through crisis comes growth. Unfortunately, the past cannot be changed, but you both have an opportunity to build a marriage that is rewarding and fulfilling to you both.

The key is to learn. Read here, read books, and really listen to each other. Be willing to set down old habits and methods of thinking so you can adopt new ones.


Here is a good place to start:

Coping With Infidelity

For your H:

Tools for the Wayward Spouse

Pay particular attention to the link to Suzet's Quick Start Guide on Withdrawal for Former Wayward Spouses and Betrayed Spouses.

PAT's Quickstart Guidelines for Wayward Spouses

For you:

WAT's Quickstart Guidelines for Betrayed Spouses



That doesn't mean at all that your M is doomed. The EN Questionnaire is simply a gauge for where your Love Banks are. You are at the very beginning of Recovery. As you both learn how better to meet each other's EN's, you'll find your scores much higher.

Is your H reading here, too? If he is interested in becoming a member, there are many FWS's here who can identify with his situation.

Frozen and everyone, thank you so much for your kind words and help. I lurked around these forums for a couple weeks before getting the nerve up to post. I am so glad I did. I need to hear all the positive encouragement you have offered me. It gives me hope. At least for today.

As far as I know when it come through the chaplin it does not have the impact as if you went to social work services because the chaplin does not have to tell certain thongs to the chain of command. I am not a highly reglious person but I did think this time would be best to go to them. It was alao a matter that this particular chaplin help with families in crisis.