Going through a tough time right now.
Many of you know my story. Divorce was final December 2003.
I have 2 boys who are now 15 and 18. I have full custody. Their Dad has the standard every other weekend, one night a week visitation, but he rarely takes them for a weekend. If he has a plan like camping, or going somewhere, he will take them, but never takes them for a weekend just to hang out. I have never pushed the issue because the boys have always been clearly happier with me. I am newly married to a wonderful man who is very good to the boys. We play games, watch movies, and hang out as a family.
My ex lives about a mile from us. He has recently married OW#2. She has 2 boys as well, ages 16 and 18. My boys don't really enjoy going over there because they have to sleep on the couch, her boys have taken both of the bedrooms.
This past Friday my new husband stayed home from work to hang out with the kids. I was at work, and got a call from my H at about 4:00. He said that younger son had gone to spend the night at his dads. That was sort of a surprise, but not a problem. However, as he left the house to go with his Dad he said "I left a note on my bed for Mom, please make sure she gets it". Basically it says that he can't live with me anymore, he is going to live with his dad now, and I can call him on his Dads cell phone to talk to him, but he is never coming back.
Needless to say, I was horribly shocked. There have not been any fights around the house, no big event that would have lead to this.
Older son said that he figured Dad must have promised to get YS a cell phone, if he would come and live with him. I couldn't believe that YS could actually be "bought" with a cell phone, but it was possible. We had actually given him a cell phone last year, as a reward for good grades. He had been asking for one, and his grades had been bad, so we said, "Get your grades up, nothing below a C and you can have one". He got the grades up, we gave him the phone. But the understanding was if he got anything below a C on a report card, he would lose the phone until the grades came back up.
This last report card - about a month ago, had 2 D's. He apologized to me, even before the report card came, and handed me the phone. I offered to call his teachers, set up a meeting to find out what was happening, but he assured me that he was working harder, making better use of his time, and would get the phone back with his next report. He never complained about it. I called his Dad and told him "Just so you know, I had to take his cell phone away because of his grades"
We still allowed him to use the house phone, so he could call his Dad whenever he wanted to. His Dad was also welcome to call him, although he never did when any of us were home.

Saturday morning, around 10:00, older son gets a text message from his brother that says, "here is my new cell phone number". OS said, "I knew it. Dad must have promised that to him if he would go live with him." I am devastated.

I do not question my decision to take the phone away, based on his grades. I will stand by that. But I am still hurt by this whole turn of events. That my son, who saw the trauma I went through when his Dad left, has now done the same. That he didn't even talk to me just left a note. That his Dad was clearly helping him to plan his escape, and never once talked to me about it.

I still have not talked to my boy. I have tried to call several times, but as soon as I pick up the phone I break down, and cannot even speak. I am praying the Lord will give me the strength to call him today, around 4:00, when he should be out of school, and home alone, before his Dad gets home. I just want to tell him that he has to sit down and talk to me. That he cannot run from his problems.

He is able to go to the same school, but he will have to take the bus now. He is able to walk to school from my house, and always liked that. In fact, when I went out of town for a couple of days recently and he had to stay with Dad he complained about staying there on a school day and riding the bus. I am certain that today has not been too fun for him.

There is a possibility that his Dade is trying to drop his child support. I still cannot believe that he would do something like this to save $175 per month, but he has been fighting the child support lately. When OD turned 18 in November, his Dad told him hat he was going to start paying his half of the support directly to him. Even though he is still in High school. I think he was trying to look like a hero with that. Let the boy spend it any way he wanted. I had a nice conversation with OS and explained that if he were getting the check directly, he would be responsible for certain expenses. He agreed. My H and I both felt bad that OS had been put into this position by his Dad, faced with adult issues.

I am lost today. I know that my YS needs to "go through this". I know that he will not be happy over there. I guess I am feeling a little like this is a plan B. But at some point, if this continues, then I will need to insist on him coming home for visits. Any thoughts????

Also, I am so sad because YS was really doing well spiritually. He has been very involved at church. He helps my H run the soundboard. He jumps out of bed on Sunday mornings to get ready for church. He has been very active on Wednesday’s nights at youth group. Now I am worried that he will not want to go to church anymore. His dad is not involved at all.

Someone tell me this will all work out. Please.

Woman of faith:

I will talk to you when I have more time...I'm so sorry to hear about this....

I wouldn't worry too much. I'm sure he will be right back home soon.

My boy's father left when they were 2 and 5. He never visited, called once a year, and never paid child support. Imagine my horror when my 18 year old announced that he was moving from home to Oregon to live with his dad.

It felt like such a huge betrayal! I called my dad in a panic, and he told me to let him go, and tell him that I would miss him. Dad told me he would give it 6 months. Sure enough, my son called after 3 months and asked me to buy him a plane ticket back home.

It's obvious that your YS hasn't heard the saying, "The grass is always greener on the other side." Sounds like he'll understand it soon. There are times when you can't shelter your children from everything and they must learn things for themselves.

You have my support.

I think that he is being lured away with the promises of a greener pasture over there.

You have to trust the Lord on this one. I will pray that he will come home. I truly believe he will, when he gets over there and sees it's not so great over there at all full time.

Thank you all! your words are soothing to my soul.

Mimi - I had hoped you would be able to post. I await your respone.

I agree that the grass is not greener over there. in fact, I suspect that he all ready has regrets. But it still doesn't make a Mom feel any better.

After a couple of days of non-stop tears I decided to remember my coping skills from my last trauma- d day and divorce. I am eating healthy foods, drinking more water, reading more scripture. All of that has helped.

I guess my biggest concern is this - I know he will want to come back. How do I keep this from happening again? I do not want to get into a power struggle with a teenager where he leaves to go be wtih his Dad every time he is upset. Likewise, at this point I am waiting for him to get tired of living with his Dad, and want to come home. So he gets upset with his Dad, and runs back home. how do I make him understand that this is not acceptable behavior? My new H has suggested that we need to attach consequences to his actions, but I hate to punish him if he comes home feeling truely remorseful.

believer - any thoughts??

OH WOF!!!

I will be back....I am so sorry for this!

You and I have shared a lot in common, I want to digest this a bit and post back with more thought.

Georgia

womanoffaith5,

Although your son has a new father figure in his life, and a good, decent one at that, he does miss the "real" father. That the new wife's boys are now sleeping in your boys' rooms and they are now displaced has got to hurt him. On one level, his move to Dad's is a painful attempt to get his Dad back.

That your ex is such a shpit as to play games with the child support and such a lowlife as to cheat on you, it should come as no surprise that he would try to "buy" your son's loyalty so as to cut down on CS payments.

14 is still pretty immature. Unformed enough to try for the easy way out, to try to run away from problems. He will come home, sooner rather than later. The reality of being the boy to sleep on the couch while the "new" boys get their own bedrooms will soon outweigh the novelty of having a cell phone.

He will likely drop out of church for awhile, there's not much you can do while he lives with his Dad to force him to attend. When he returns, he will go again. Them's the house rules, right?

Honest, I don't think this will be permanent. Oh, and about parent-teacher conferences? Our son has no say in the matter when he is having problems. We go. Together. Your son should have no say in what you do as his parent to act in his best interests.

Keep in touch with him, drop a note once a week, a card with a light cheerful message and news about the neighborhood people he knows or about the other kids he knows who walk to school. Signed "Love you always, Mom, brother and H." I predict you won't send more than 2 of those notes before he figures out the grass over there is pretty dry.

When my son came back, he had changed COMPLETELY. And the changes lasted. He was sooooo happy to be back. Life with his father was not what he had hoped it would be.

Of course you will have to take into consideration what your husband thinks is the right thing to do.

((((WOF)))))
You have given so much wise compassionate responses here...I wonder what you would offer as advice. From what I see you have provided your son with stablitiy, boundaries and consequences. It is the job of the adolescent to test and push those boundaries. I think you were fair and reasonable with YS. The boundary was clear cut (he handed the phone over himself). Sure the grass looks greener. He'll find out for himself.
Don't beg him to come home. Let him know he is loved and welcome to come home but the rules are still the rules. He needs your love, strength and boundaries. I don't think I would punish him for going to live with his Dad...but he shouldn't get his phone back until he earns it.

I know you will find your answer...its in your heart.

don't be devastated ... this is not about you .... the boy is trying to have his Dad accept him ... YOU are a reliable source of parental support , while "dad" has not been reliable ... so son is trying to get Dad to love him and it is only about that ... take deep breaths .... this may re-cycle a few more times.

Do NOT allow this to be about you, it is totally 100% about your boy's need to please his Dad.

Try and roll with it.

I understand that you must feel betrayed that your son has done this.

However, I agree with Pep that it is not about you.

I read somewhere that adolescent boys of divorce typically end up living at some point with their absent fathers. I think it's an identity issue.

Plus, your X is probably using him for his own purposes..competition with his wife's son's..reduction of child support..whatever...

Hope and pray, though, that it will be a positive learning experience for all of you...

I would say, be yourself with him. Be Mom. Be his rock. Be the stable one. Allow him the opportunity to learn about his father. Hopefully, his father will step up to the plate and do his job for a change.

Leave the door open for his return home and for open visitation with you.

Don't fight evil with evil. BOLD LOVE, remember?

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Mimi, this is an interesting point. A light bulb went on for me with this one.
I could see my Ex trying to "show off" his boys. they are actually very nice young men.

Does anyone have any suggestions of books about blended families??? I have been searching but can not find anything.

WOF, go to familylife.com and look up the books they suggest. They always have good family resources. I do agree with the others that your son is just needing to "compete and win back" his dad. Very, very sad that your ex put him in this sit to begin with. Hang tight and keep loving him.

FF - thanks for the advice. I will go right there.

update -
My ex sent the following email:

Just wanted to let you know that what YS did came to a suprise to me the other night when I picked him up. He had talked to me a couple of weeks ago about living with me and I told him that I would love to have him but he needed to let you know that is what he wanted. It was not a big
dicussion and thought that was the end of it. He then tells me when I picked him up that he left you a note. I told him this weekend that it his decission. I'm certainly not going to turn my back on him. I love him and miss him. So not sure where to go from here. If he is going to stay with me, we need some more cloths. If we want to try a trial for a while to see if that is what he wants, that is fine too. I just want YS to be happy.
I told him that if he thinks he is not going to have to do his school work and he can get away with slacking off at home that he will be dissapointed at our house as well.

My first thought, after reading this, was that things were all ready a little crowded over there and Ex is looking for an out. A way to bring son back to my house without looking like the bad guy.

Good Morning, WOMANOFFAITH –

I’ve pondered your situation a bit and here are my thoughts.

First, remember that he is 15 years old. He doesn’t think like an adult, and his decisions are bound to be immature because he is (by definition) immature. As such…he is blinded to all the good in his life by the seemingly uncomfortable constraints of proper parental boundaries (like the loss of his cell phone).

I suspect that as soon as he feels the loss of all the good stuff, the cell phone issue will not be enough to lure him away from you and your REAL husband.

I suggest that you stand firm and fast in your rules and boundaries. If he won’t talk to you, or if you can’t talk to him, TM him and just tell him that you are available to talk whenever he wants to do so.

I would continue to treat xH like a WxH and not try to “buddy” with him over this whole ordeal. If he got YS a cell phone that quickly, KNOWING that you had removed that privilege from him, he is NOT on your side. Don’t let him get between YS and you.

I, too, suspect that YS will be back, the only question is how soon.

I am so sorry for your pain. Please stand firm and realize that you can’t control every situation. That is the reason that you must continue to be a woman of faith.

Georgia

I need help i have recently tried to take my life, and i just feel so lost.

nelly, why did you try to take your life? Why don't you start another thread, giving us the complete story, so you aren't buried down here at the bottom of womanoffaith's thread. That way folks can see your post and respond.

You will have to give us more information, though.

Womanoffaith, my heart goes out to you. S16 did a very similar thing after WH had been gone a few months. It was heartbreaking, but there was nothing I could do other than support his decision as a young man (they HATE having such decisions questioned) and continue to be warm, loving, friendly, and fun.

While boys will be boys, and will take just about any opportunity for living in Fantasyland, I agree with what Pepperband has said. I found out as much from S16: before he moved in with his dad, his dad wasn't making much of an effort to see him. The move ENSURED that he'd see his dad. Very, very sadly, S16 said to me, "Before all this happened and I moved in with Dad, I didn't really know him". It makes me want to howl and scream, but you can't argue with the fact that a boy loves and needs his father. He's done what he needs to do. I am more of a constant in his life, and he knows that I'll always be there, no matter what. I suspect your son knows the same.

Nelly? Are you there? Please, post so we can help you.