WOF –

Don’t you just hate it when you want to express your empathy, but don’t know the words to do it?

I am so sorry to hear of the pain you’re having to experience. I suspect YS is going through that normal “pulling away” process that all teens go through, but he’s been able to take it to the extreme by having an avenue to funnel his actions / anger to, and that is an opportunity to move out of that “restrictive” home. I continue to think that in the long run, he will be back. But…he will have to let the novelty wear off of his new freedom first.

Changing subjects, it never ceases to amaze me how WS’s seem to undergo some sort of brain transformation whereas they become complete morons (a term just shy of “idiots”). The one thing I totally understand about my xW is that I can count on her words and actions to make absolutely no (ZERO, ZILCH, NADA) sense. And…if there are 2 things I can count on….is that whatever actions she takes it will be designed to shift any and all blame from her to me.

Fit this pattern to your xH and, as you and I have discussed in the past, it fits pretty well.

I will remember to pray for you, I promise.

Georgia

I think this is a SIGNIFICANT STATEMENT from Eav...

You guys are great.
I took Friday off from work, so this is the first chance I have had to read your responses.

Eav - your post has really touched my heart. This comment in particular:

"it's funny though because my dream of teaching special ed grew from the emotional trauma that i experienced from my fathers affair, my parents separation"

My YS does try to reach out to other kids who are struggling. If you remember my post about a friend whose H left for OW and after a year he was back - this friend spent a lot of time at my house during that year, and she has 4 kids all in the same age range as mine. When she would come to the house to cry, YS would always put the kettle on the stove so we could make tea. And many times he would tell me that he was talking to the daughter who was his age, and trying to help her out when she was feeling sad about her parents seperation. He has a kind heart, and wants to help people. I do think that through all that he has experienced he would make a good counselor some day. I also see a little of his Dads desire for Drama too though. If YS is having a bad day he calls it his "worst day ever". If someone doesn't say Hi to him right away then "they are mad at him". I also think that he may get a little too involved with other teenagers lives - problems. Almost as if his life has calmed down now, there is not a lot of stress or drama, so he spends a lot of time on the phone talking to other teens who are struggling. he has asked me to give him the names of the books I read during my D that were helpful to me, so that he can recommend these same books to his friends, for their moms.

GG - you hit the nail on the head. I am still amazed at my WxH's ability to try to deflect his own issues onto me. After all this time I am still the bad guy. I wasn't a good enough wife, that is why he simply had to leave, and now he has lost many friends, has little money, and he is now married to a woman who controls him by threatening suicide whenever she doesn't get her way, and he no longer has much of a R with his sons...All of this is my fault, because I was not a good enough wife. You and I have talked about all this before. Unfortunately I still have not seen any improvment in this area. I continue to wonder if he believes his own crap?

Mimi - I think you are onto something as well. he could likely feel his Father slipping away.

Update-
YS called me yesterday, started out chatting, and then said "Mom, I need you to do me favor - Dad has some papers here that I need you to sign. the papers just say that I am going to live here now, so would you please sign them? Could you do that for me?"
I said "YS, I still haven't even had a chance to sit with you and hear why you left, or what is going on now. I need to have a chance to talk to you, and discuss a plan for what days you are going to stay with us, at this house" his answer was "well, Dad suggested that you could just have the plan that he had - that I had the option to be with you every other weekend if I wanted to" I replied with "No, that is not going to work for me. I want an actual plan, and it needs to be more than just every other weekend, and only if you want to."

then I asked "what is the hurry for me to sign these papers right away, when we have not even disscussed this?' and his response was "dad said that we need to hurry up and get the papers filed, so he can quit paying child support. Otherwise he is paying you child support, when I don't even live there" and I just said "YS if this rush for me to give up my son is about money, then please tell Dad he needs to call me directly. you, and your future, are way more important to me than any amount of money, and I am not going to rush into signing any custody papers just to save Daddy $175 per month". he said "ok, I will tell Dad he needs to talk to you"
Needless to say, I could hear WxH's voice in the background, so I know that YS was told to make the call.
WxH continues to sink even lower than I though possilbe.

Ok Mimi, you are right! I have been negligent

Friday night, Feb 10, YS called my new H's cell phone at about 9:00 at night and said "I want to come over for the weekend". H and I were in the car at the time, so he said "that sounds good to me, let me give the phone to your mom to talk to her about it". Interesting thing - he called new H's cell phone, not mine. I think that is a good thing - he clearly has a comfort level with his step dad.

Anyway, he came over for the weekend. No big discussions over the weekend, just fun around the house. YS did move some furniture around in his bedroom, and we played some games.

On Monday morning he said he would be going to Dads after school, which was fine. However, when I got home from work, he was at my house. I said "Huh? I thought you were going to Daddys?" apparantly Dad and his new wife were gone for the night, and YS did not want to be there with just the step brothers, so he came back to my house. Next day, Tuesday night, he did go back to his Dads, but the following day, after school, he was back. He has been with me ever since. Still no huge discussion. he has made small excuses like "I am still working on arranging the furniture in my room, so I need to be here." and "Monday is a school holiday, I may as well be here".

At one point, after he had been back a couple of days, he was alone in the car with my new H, and he made the comment that he has "done some things recently that he is starting to regret." and my H just replied that "we all make mistakes sometimes, and it is good to recognize the things we are sorry for, and make amends. It is important to remember that at our house, what works for us is talking about our problems, not running from them."
YS also told my new H: "I want you to know that I did not leave because of you, I was not mad at you. I was kind of mad at mom, and I just felt like I needed to get away, but I was never mad at you".
That really made my H feel good. I don't know if YS was really mad at me even, I think it was more a teen age thing -starting to assert himself. But my H really felt awful during this whole time, fearfull that he had some how caused YS to run away. Hearing YS tell him that "I was never mad at you" was a huge relief for him.

So...YS has not had a serious discussion with me yet, but that is ok for now. he will be with his dad this weekend, for sure, because his dad rented a beach house for the weekend. both boys are going to the beach with dad, step mom, and two step brothers.

there has been very little interaction with WxH these past couple of weeks. Just before YS "came back" I had a brief discussion with YS, where he suggested that he would spend Wed-Fri nights, and every other weekend, at my house. I told him that I would talk to all of the adults involved, and the adults would make the final decision. Just two days later he showed up and then spent the next 10 days with me, so I didn't approach the subject with WxH. A couple of days ago WxH sent me an email saying "I have written up the paper work to change custody according to your discussion with YS, I will drop off the paper work at your house, please sign and return to me".
the paper work has been dropped off, and I haven't even looked at it. If I agree to 5o% custody - which the paper work will show - then my child support goes down. at this point, YS is back with me more than 50% of the time, so I am not going to rush into anything. I still suspect that WxH had told YS that he is "15 years old now, old enough to choose where he lives" and that if he wants to live with Dad, then Dad will give him a new cell phone. and that if Mom would just sign the paper work, Dad will have more money to spend on him.
By the way - YS also hs a new Ipod that he got while at Dads house. Hmmmmmm

I will NOT get into a war with WxH, offering to spend money on YS. I offer a stable home, a place where everyone is repsected. WxH offers a home filled with yelling, arguing, and foul language.

the "new paperwork" has been with me for several days now, and I have not heard from WxH any further. I suspect at this point he knows it is not likely that I will sign it. Unfortunately, I suspect he may push YS a little further this weekend. and if OS hears him do it, there will likely be a fight. OS does not like all this crap, and is not afraid to say so.

Through all of this, I am reminded that God is faithful to carry me through the rough times. I am reminded that when I stand for what is right, it eventually works in my favor. it doesn't happen instantly. when YS first left I wanted to call him up, to cry, to tell him I was going to pick him up right away. But I stood back, and let God work. I prayed every monring. I fasted every Monday. while I fasted I continued to pray "Lord, teach me what you want me to learn, and love my YS through me. Help me to see YS as you see him". when WxH sent his nasty emails, I did not respond (although I was always tempted) I just let time go by.
I am not saying that this is compeltey resolved. I am sure there will be rough spots again. But it is good to remeber that God truly does work through us, when we allow it. That we will go through trouble, but it will not last forever.

One other positive - my relationship with New H is stronger. We went through a trauma together. we prayed together for YS. He held me when I cried. When he suggested that I ignore WxH's nasty emails, I did so, and later I said "thank you for your advice, it was exactly the right thing to do"

I want to admit to everyone who reads this that I had plenty of doubts about myself, and even about God while I was going through this. I am not perfect. At one point when I had not heard from YS for a while, I felt a panic that I was not DOING ANYTHING. I was praying, and fasting. But I wasn't taking action. and I realized that I had to fully trust God. I remember even thinking to myself "what if I am wrong, and there is no God? what if I am fully trusting in something that doesn't exist? But I looked back at all of the times that God has carried me. I looked at christians I know who fully trust in God, and decided that so many poeple could not be wrong. so I countinued to trust in God. and I am so glad I did. I fully believe that YS is back as a result of prayer, and because he sees that I offer a stable loving home, that his dad can not offer.

That is my update for now!

Love ya Mimi!!!

Sounds Great! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Thanks for posting!

GOD IS GOOD....

I will get back to you later.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />