I think I am goin to expose my WxW's affair to her employeer but I am unsure what to say or who to contact. I know that workplace affairs are strongly discouraged at the hospital she works at. The Dr. she became involved with used his status and position to manipulate her IMO. Should I put in details, how much detail is required. Should I include a photograph of them together? He is still married and the affair destroyed my marriage. He wont end the relationship with her and I dont think we will ever have a chance to reconsile until he is removed from the picture. Does anyone have a draft of an exposure letter to an employeer that would help? Im just not sure how much deatil to go into or what to say, should I demand that someonthing be done about him, Im afraid she will get into trouble also even tho he was the one that took advantage of her and used his influence to initiate the affair.

hmmm, Mr. Wondering is a pro at writing these letters, so hopefully he will see this.

Were it me, I would simply state the facts without going into too much detail and explain that this affair has broken up your marriage and continues in secret to this day. Be sure and mention your children and their ages and the impact this has had on them.

I don't know that you would be in a position to demand that they do something about it, though.

I would suggest sending this letter to at least 3 officials so that it is not buried by any one of them. And cc each of them at the bottom so they each know it has been sent to the other. Start with the head of Human Resources and also send it the CEO and perhaps the doctor's boss.

The first thing that came to mind when I read your post was that if you decide to expose to his employer, you MUST avoid the appearance of being spiteful. That'll be really, really hard to do, in view of the fact that you are already divorced. The hospital administrator is going to know that and be skeptical of your motivations right from the start.

Your words will have to be on a very high plane, regretful instead of revengeful, “I hesitate (am sorry) to bring this to your attention” instead of “I demand you castrate…” “With this I hope other marriages will be saved” instead of “This sorry SOB wrecked my marriage.”

Frankly, if you’ve got pictures of them together…and I don’t know if you’re saying you’ve got pictures of them “in flagrante delicto” or just talking in the hallway…wouldn’t the pictures be more appropriately shared with the doctor’s wife? She can’t be THAT dumb.

Longhorn, I think his case is even more compelling, because the affair led to his divorce.

An aside: your team better win that game, lest I can't show my face anymore for all my left-coasters-arent-real-men cracks!! Don't let me down, Longhorns! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Dr's wife already knows but she thinks the affair is over, pictures arent explicit but clearly shows them together in a "non-work" setting. Im not sure Im going to bring the extent of the affair to her knowledge unless as a last resort. He has already begun to pull away from my WxW but wont end the relationship. I think a gentle nudge might be enough to motivate him to actually break things off and Im hoping I can motivate his employeer to confront him without exposing my identity to him. That would save me some trouble dealing with my Xw at least. I would state my idenity in the letter but request that it remain anynonomous if possible. There have been rumors at his work about it already, but no one has done anything.

Why would you not want your W to know you have done this? I think it would be to your advantage for her to know that you will do what it takes to salvage your marriage and stand up to the affair. Anonymous just seems so...........cowardly.

I would suggest even ccing the OM and his W so they know about it.

I would address the letter to the managing physician in his practice and the practice manager. And the manager/vp of the department at hospital where WW works. At the least, there is significant issue for the grounds of sexual harassment if this affair is allowed t continue in the workplace.

I used to date a PA I worked with..we were very low key. We did not directly work around each other, just ate lunch together. And occasionally if a patient would crash, he wuold help me out. But we were totally above board b/c we were concerned for the betterment of the practice.

An affair is NOT healthy. It WILL end up ugly. We were two single unattached people who were mentally healthy. Affairs do NOT show a sign of a healthy mind and life imho...and will lead to ugly endings...and could jeopardize both hospital and practice legally if it is allowed to continue.

that's the angle I'd take.

I dont know, I know she would be irate and I think she would take it as me trying to hurt her instead of save our marriage. She doesnt react as a normal person sometimes, shes very sensitive and self protective and if it cost her her job she would never forgive me.

Yes, they are ALWAYS IRATE and they always see it as the BS trying to hurt them. THAT IS AN EXPECTATION. Your W is no different than any other WS we see on this forum every day. You will not get a reward for exposing her.

But it will likely kill this affair, which is the only chance you have of saving your marriage. She will get over being angry, your marriage will never have a chance if you don't end this affair.

If you had exposed this affair along time ago, you probably wouldn't be divorced today. As you can see with your own eyes, appeasement didn't get you anywhere.

Mel, I think you're correct. He can say "see, this guy is bad news...see what he did to my kids and our marriage?" I'm just saying it has to be approached from the angle that he's trying to acquaint the administrator with a problem, a bad apple, in his/her organization. If they see Atomic as being consumed with revenge, the officials he exposes to may view the exposure with (an unconscious?) distaste and the official will be less motivated to take strong action.

I think there's every chance the HR manager and/or the Hospital Administrator will have to address the issue simply because the issue of fraternization has been alleged. It would have to be investigated in the military, and that’s where my experience is. I hope it's the same in the medical career field, but I don’t know. I’m suggesting Atomic take the high road and make absolutely certain that comes through loud and clear in his letter.

Aside note: Yeah, Mel, I watched the RR game. <sigh> My sympathies.

Things are hopeful. The media says UT will have trouble keeping the USC running back under control. Since the media hasn’t been right about anything the past 20 years or so, that has to mean the opposite is true. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> We’ll see Wednesday night.

Atomic, darn it, you're avoiding using one of the strongest tools you have to "nudge" him away from your ex-wife. Show Dr. XYZ's wife the picture(s), make sure the date is shown and let HER do the nudging. She might very well be trying to bury her head in the sand, but if things are explained to her with no way to avoid them, there will be an effect.

Ok heres my view on this, why make her mad at me if I can achieve the same result without that happening? I dont see what good it would do if any. If I could get him to end things with her without having her blame me for it wouldnt that be a good thing?

She's going to be mad no matter who exposes, even that guy "anonymous." Accept it.

But so what? Is she so scary a character that you can't deal with her temper? Guess what--people, even ex-wives, get over their mad.

AS, why would you not want to take credit for the exposure? It would send a very critical message to your W and the OM that you are willing to stand up for your marriage and are to be respected. Isnt that a message you would want to send?

well mainly because she doesnt forgive and forget like a normal person. Things that take normal people hour or days to get over take her weeks or months or years. Im afraid if she gets really upset at me she wont get over it for way longer than Im willing to keep this up for. I did and said things 5 years ago that she still gets upset about... Any sample letters that might help me? Should a letter be wordy and descriptive or short and to the point? How much detail should I go into? Should I include the email that she wrote detailing the start of the affair, thats probably the most incriminating and descriptive log of events I have. Is that too much information? Should I put contact information in there and suggest or ask for followup information?

AS, I would put in just enough information to preclude the doctor from denying the affair. You don't need too much, but just enough to prove your point.

p.s. you might want to edit the title of this thread and put out a call to Mr. Wondering. He is an attorney who is extremely good at writing these letters. Get his input.

I am a little worried about being accused of slander if the letter would ever get back to the good ol Dr. He has more financial resources available than I do and I dont have a ton of proof besides what my WxW has told me and some cell phone bills, etc.

I am pretty sure that truth is a defense for slander so you shouldn't worry about that. Am hoping Mr. Wondering sees your post.

problem might be being unable to prove the truth. He says it isnt, I say it is, whos to judge? I was also thinging about talking to my Xw's mother and see if she would want to go with me to speak with someone like the HR director or CEO of the hospital. That might be as effective without leaving a paper trail that could come back to haunt me. That would pretty much mean my EW would find out about it but it might give the story more credibility also. Her mother is very upset about the whole deal also