I need some advice. I am considering exposing my H's PA. Here are the background details:

M-28
H- 37
S,3
OW-21
H and OW are coworkers; H is OW's superior

Suspected A begining 7/05. I moved out 9/05 with S3 when confrontation w/H over suspicions turned physical. Moved back end of 10/05 after H professed much sadness, changes, etc.

Mid-11/05 found suspecious text message from OW to H. 3 days later I discovered H's cell phone password and found several messages from OW confirming A. Confronted both H and OW. OW swore to leave H alone; said H lied to her about the status of our R. H was defensive, then remoreseful...

12/17 H's back is thrown out. H continues to go into work, coming home very late after supposively falling asleep in our car after work parties. I later find several phone calls back and forth between H and OW, one in which OW calls H to tell him she is "thinking of him".

Confronted H again on 12/24; claims nothing is going on. Tells me to forget OW's name, phone number, etc and to leave her alone. I promise to this so that H will not ruin S3's Xmas by leaving the house.

Since then I see that H and OW are talking for hours every night, even though OW is several states away at her home during Xmas break. She appears to be attempting to contact him more than he her....

Am considering contact OW's parents (found out their names, home address, telephone number). Sure they will not be happy to hear their daughter is knowingly pursuing a relationship with a much older man in a R that involves a small child. Also considering revealing to H and OW's workplace that OW is conducting an affair with a "manager" that is contributing to the ruin of H's marriage and destroying the home of a child. Do not intend to reveal H name if I don't have too... leave that bomb up to her, as I am sure she will be investigated if I inform workplace. Am very concerned a PA affair between H and OW will start up again when she returns to the area for school, but also very concerned that revealing the A will permenately drive H away.

H is warming toward me and has spent time alone hanging out with me and cooking meals for us to eat. Is showing some regret, speaks of depression, shame, confusion. Appears only to talk to OW after he's had several drinks (H has alcohol dependency issues)

Anyone have advice on what to do? Should I proceed or wait and see what happens?

Thank for any feedback-

PF

Welcome to marriagebuilders - it's a great place to be under the circumstances.

Start in Plan A, which is showing him what a great wife you can be, no angry outbursts, or disrespectful judgements and EXPOSURE.

Work is a great place to start since they should no longer work together if you want to save your marriage.

Hello PF,

My suggestion is that you start blowing their cover right now.The A shows no sign of abating so it's time to expose.Your WH will be mad but they all are so don't worry too much about that.If you fear exposure will drive your WH away well for good,look at what is going on already? The more people that can influence, via exposure, the OW and your WH to stop their bad behavior is appropriate.A's are fueled in secrecy.

Even though your WH may be showing some signs of "regret",it may not be at all related to you but a sign of self pity.In the end you should not put up with dribs and drabs of a marriage.You will have to set a time frame where you will go to Plan B to make this more difficult for your WH and the homewrecking OW.It also is to show your WH that you do have self respect left and that your son should not be involved in this mess HE created.In short you will do what you can to maintain his security and your sanity.

Decide how long you think you can continue in Plan A of sorts, but not too long,and then plan for the rest.Plan A is not designed to be done for long nor should you be overly giving with emotional needs.Plan A is about negotiating for the END of the affair and THEN EN's can be discussed and implememnted but right now your WH is on the fence and YOU have to make some tactical manuevers.Exposure is one.

There is an exposure guideline I can bump up for you over on GQII.It is from a poster named WAT.I will bump it up and if you get a chance read it.

Hang in there.

O

Petite,

Sorry you are going thru this, but MB will help you save your marriage if it can be saved. I agree with the others here that you need to Plan A and expose. I do think that you need to provide his employer with both his and OW's name for them to take the exposure seriously. This will undoubtably royally p*ss off your WH, but his employer can be one of your best allies when it comes to ending contact in the work place.

Definately expose to OW's family. Shameful behavior looks just like what it is when the light of exposure is shown on it.

Good Luck.

Who