Sounds like you are getting to the bottom of some of this. It made me feel better to confront the OW, but didn't help the situation or my marriage. So I advise against it. All it does is give her more power. It's better to just me able to look back at this as a blip on the radar screen.

The admiration thing is HUGE for many men. I got in an argument once here with Takola. I told her there wasn't much to admire about my husband during the affair. She remarked that OW was pouring it on. It made me angry, but she was right.

By the way, you might want to check out the Recovery board. I think they will be able to help you as you go through it. They say that recovery is even harder than going through the affair part.

During the couple of times that my husband tried to go no contact with the OW, I really did a poor job. I was so worn out from the affair and all of the deception, I didn't feel like it should be my job to lead in the recovery too. That was a big mistake.

Even harder? I already feel like I've been carved open, gutted, and pushed in the river to drown. It's good to know that I haven't hit rock bottom yet. : )

I have been checking out the recovery boards, too. And it's all pretty overwhelming. I hardly know where to begin to start mending things. And then it makes me angry, thinking about what a mess this is, and I didn't make it so why should I have to clean it up, and round and round I go in my head all over again.

But thanks, Allnewtome, for the idea about burning a letter. That sounds like a nice project for the weekend.

Just don't think about how unfair it is. That was my major hold-up. I even told WH I'd be darned if I would comfort him while he was getting over the skank.

But that was before I found this place. In the end, you will have a much better marriage, and everyone says it is worth it.

CSJ

First off going to welcome you and say I am sorry you have to be here too. K, but this is a great place to heal and to find the help and advice you need.

I was so where you were at and with precious little info to understand the why of it a few mths ago. DD for me was in Sept, 05 and a few days afterwards fwh had for lack of a better way of putting it a breakdown and lost all his memory of A and OW–so it appears. I say so it appears because even his doctors are dubious on this point--- at best consider it more of a means/knack for fwh to protect himself from his raw guilt. K so I discovered the truth and confronted him before his breakdown, and at that point he admitted the truth and when I ask why? His answer was the same as your fwh, “I was stupid”. I was naive enough not to really know the right questions to ask at the time–this was pre MB for me--and when I did recover enough from the shock of there was no help from him for answers owing to his “memory loss”. Anyrate my point to be made is that I was susceptible to all those going nuts feelings for want of the why of it and what did I do wrong and my need to grasp at answers failing his inability to supply them. I see that your husband has agreed to rank the EN worksheets–this is a good start I think. Took some time to get my Fwh involved too.

Completely understand about your feelings with relation to everyone knowing. I learned after the fact that our 18 yr son, 2 of my brothers, all of our employees knew, and numerous others–it’s like being striped naked and thrown out in the cold. From my own experience though I can say it gets better–as other BSs have mentioned already time is a healer, and really it does come down to what is important to you and like Believer said with such style, you’ll soon enough rise above it with grace and loyalty.

I am also saying a prayer that the church/ school will be merciful. My hope being that as long as your husband is open and honest and you are standing by him that they-- the board will practice what they preach.


I get a sense from your posts that you are emotionally swaying between anger and hurt and all the emotions associated with the need to save your marriage and the innocence lost– I guess I can say this with a voice of experience too, that’s normal. Fact is I am still there myself. Least now I can say there are more better days than bad days so time is indeed a healer.

One other bit of advice, don’t believe all the he said, she said and second hand info. If he’s not really talking believe me you, if you allow her / ow will be more than willing to fill in all the blanks that will paint herself in the best light with her distorted version of the “truth”. K on the plus side if she is indeed dishing your fwh, then the upside of this is that she is more than likely giving up. 5 mths after the fact and I am still dealing with OW, who has as yet attacked my fwh–which means she’s still hanging on to her delusions and lurking in the background for him to return to her.


Hang in there and hugs,

Sleepless

It is true that I really sway back and forth between the anger and the hurt, and a million other emotions. I feel like I'm going crazy sometimes, because one minute I feel like I just want to HELP him because I know he is carrying a big load emotionally, not to mention the other "fallout" from all of this. In all the years I have known him I have seen him cry once--until now. And now I've seen it a lot, and it breaks my heart.

But then even minutes later, the anger will boil up again. A thousand little comments he made during the A come back to me, and what initially seemed like a thoughtless remark now seems so cruel. I did not deserve to be treated like this! My kids did not deserve this! While he was out knocking boots with this slut, complaining about his dull wife,I was home taking care of his children, wondering why he wasn't home to kiss them goodnight. I guess I just can't imagine how either of them could possibly justify what they did. What excuse made it seem okay?

And neither can anyone else who knows my WH. All of our friends are simply in shock at what he has done. It is really like he became another person--someone that I do not know at all. And now the slightest thing makes me eye him with suspicion, wondering which husband is this? The man I married and loved, or the man who cheated on me and treated me and my children like garbage?

And I struggle so much because I don't know what to do. My WH I think would really like to just wipe the whole thing away and go on as if nothing at all had happened. We had planned a nice little evening out--to go to a movie. But then over the weekend, he said it was too much of a hassle to get a babysitter. HONESTLY! During the A--he complains about how "boring" it is to sit around at home, and about how I am not fun. But this is how I became boring! I got married and had kids! Actually, even before the kids came along, we didn't do a lot of elaborate "dates." He always preferred to stay home and and rent a movie or something simple. And when we had children, it was so much easier that I went along with it. So now we're back to that. Put the kids to bed. Watch a move. Go to bed. This, plus a little time, is going to heal my marriage?

And, now that I have the cause of the A somewhat narrowed, I am puzzled. It seems that I failed to give my WH the "admiration" that he craved. And I admit, I could do much better in this area. I don't throw around a whole lot of compliments: "you are so handsome . . ." "you are so strong . . ." or whatever. BUT NEITHER DOES HE! I was trying to think--when was the last time he told me, "you look nice" or "thanks for everything you do for me." Seriously, I cannot even remember. So if this is such an important need for him, why doesn't he provide me with any of that admiration? And how is it that one trashy * (fill in your own explitive here) comes along and throws him a few compliments, and he's hooked?

So that is the new thing I'm stumped on. What is the deal with men and the need to be admired?

But the good news is that WH met with the church leaders yesterday and they didn't throw the book at him. They are working with him, and he will be continuing to meet with them throughout the next year (boy is he looking forward to all of those meetings) to try and help him get things straightened out. So that is a huge relief. We haven't heard anything from the school yet. Maybe our church didn't notify the school after all??? It seems too good to believe, but we are holding our breath, hoping that this axe doesn't come down.

Thanks again, everyone who has been willing to chime in. It's nice to have this sounding board.

CSJ

Hi CSJ,

O gosh, I could so comment on the feelings you are having with the been there and done that and as others say, now own the t-shirt. K glad to hear that things went well for your fwh with the church leaders. K forgive me if this has been asked, but have the two of you read His needs and Her needs and Surviving an Affair? K when I say the two of you might just be just you, if your fwh is of the mind set right now to sweep it under the rug and move forward without looking back. Mind ya the plus side here is that he does want to move forward with you, what he is failing to recognize as yet is that you have feelings about this and issues to work on because of. Are you two in MC? Or can the two of you talk to your pastor? I ask ‘cause it took someone else to explain to my husband that just because he could move on without looking back did not mean that I was ready to do so. Things have improved between us since ( about a week before Christmas) owing to his hearing this bit of advice from someone else.


The reason I ask about His needs and Her needs is because it sounds as if the two of you could benefit from knowing what each others most important emotional needs are. I do think I recall you have read them and were trying to figure out his needs without his help, right? But you make a valid point hon in that you have needs to and how is he to know unless the two of you talk about it and this is where a MC or your pastor could help. Sounds as if you need someone in your corner who can explain to your husband that this is not just going to go away unless the two of you deal with it openly. Also that the feelings that you are having ( highs and lows) are normal and that it is his job to understand this and to help you work through them. Now why they-fwhs-can not hear this coming from us is beyond me, but often times an outsider can get them to hear this.

K it is normal to be haunted by all the lies and things that he did to you while active in the A. I am told it gets better with time hon. I am still waiting for the time to elapse so I can say this is so. Like I said, my fwh has been in denial and sweeping it all under the carpet mode for months now and has only recently figure out it not going to work that way if we want our marriage to work.

Hugs to you,

Sleepless

No, I haven't read the books yet. I guess I just hate to have a tangible reminder of this whole mess, so I have resisted buying a book yet. But I know that I need to. I have been skeptical about going into a counselor after reading about the dismal rate of success people have in counseling. Especially with the personality of my fwh--he is a very private person and I really doubt that he would open up to someone that he doesn't even know. I feel like if I could get him to engage a bit more in discussions with me, and maybe even read a bit with me, we could pull each other through this. But I haven't rule out doing the phone conference with Dr. Harley--that seems less scary and maybe fwh could handle that.

I appreciate your idea of meeting with the pastor together though. This was actually something he offered to do for us, and I had not really considered it, not wanting to drag him into the whole thing. But if that is something that helped your fwh, maybe that would be a good thing to try.

I have good days and bad days. And with every bad day, I just hope and trust that the good days will soon out number the bad ones.

Thanks for the words of encouragement. God bless.

-CSJ

"I have good days and bad days. And with every bad day, I just hope and trust that the good days will soon out number the bad ones."

They will hon. Just takes time. There will be triggers too, so sometimes it seems like one step forward and two steps back, but you will get there.

Hugs,

There is hope in knowing that some distance from this whole ordeal will help heals things. Right now it seems so much like a nightmare. It really feels like I will surely wake up and find out that none of it was true, and I can breath a big sigh of relief.

But I know other couple who have worked through this, and seem to be closer than ever, so I hope that I can be a success story, too, and that I really can forgive him. It is ironic when I think about it, because my FWH and I took the girls camping during the summer with a group of other families, including a co-worker of my FWH who had an affair of his own a few years ago. I remember commenting to my FWH at the time how happy they looked and that I couldn't believe she had forgiven him. My FWH was still involved with his A at the time, and I can't help but wonder what he thought of that. Did it make him nervous, or did he even care at all what I thought?

LOL,

CSJ