Exposed today for what I suspect is at least EA

Post deleted by sickofthis1961

I've had a strong suspicion that something was going on with the daughter of his boss where they all work together. She is married also and I know her family doesn't like him one bit, also has a 1 year old child.

He's put a password lock on his phone and I finally got the bill in the mail today. I opened it and voila. The proof of constant contact. So, I made 4 copies, took it up to the store today and gave one to my H, his boss and the daughter stating to her that her husband would also get a copy.

I didn't feel like I was being confrontational, stayed calm, until my H freaked out, started yelling at me to get the F out or he would call the cops, started manhandling me to get me outside, never had that happen before, and basically he turned it into a scene. My intent was not to make one, stay calm and reveal the truth.

Well, they all know about them being friends and don't think there is anything wrong with that. Basically came out of his office and told me I didn't have anything to discuss here. This date is exactly 2 year to the date that I got cell phone confirmation of and PA.

I know my husband. He is hooked on her emotionally and it is not appropriate. Especially since this is exactly 2 years to the date that I got cell phone confirmation of a PA with another OW. And why was the friendship a secret to just me? I'm not buying it!

Anyway, he is livid, said that I would ruin her life if I gave her H the phone records. Big red flag there as well.

The first thing he said to me when we finally did get outside is he wanted a divorce and was done. Came to get some of his things tonight and will get the rest at a later date.

Wanted to know if I wanted to do this the hard way or figure the split ourselves. I can't even think about that, dork! He said he didn't want anything but that's what he said last time to and that changed. We'll see.

Trying, I would suggest that you do follow through and notify the OW's H. But my main concern is that this is your H's 2nd affair since you have been coming here. Have there been other affairs?

How long married and how many kids?

Trying,

I'm sorry that you had to experience that. I'm amazed that you pulled of the exposure so well though. Nice work!

Of course, his response was straight from the WS script. Almost word for word.

Yeah Melody, me too. No other affairs to my knowledge.

We've been married 5 years, together 10 and have a DD-8.

But when it's a EA, is exposure as broad? Should I have just exposed to H only? Obviously not since you suggest to expose to OWH.

Flukeboy, I never would've been able to handle this in any way if it hadn't been for my years of lurking on this site. I was certain of what I needed to do but must be honest and say right now I'm vacillating between I did it the right way and maybe I didn't.

Definetly script!

Yes sick61, all of his behavior starting with freaking out and then other things he said while outside was all confirmation of guilt.

I feel a finality in his attitude and mine. Just hurting so bad for the loss of family for my daughter and rejection of me, again.

Oh yeah, I did go over to his dad's to tell him what happened. I had told him last time but a very passive man. No help. What happened the 1st time is his Dad never even contacted me or grandaughter. I felt abandoned. I don't have any living parents. Told my sister and brother-in-law. H came into Dad's house while I was there and very aggressively asked me what was I doing there and I needed to leave. Get out of here now! Did I mention he shut off my cell phone within an hour of exposure?

I don't think an EA is greatly different from a PA. I know...men are supposed to think that it's the sex that is the big thing. But I (just me...myself..I don't speak for anyone else) am bothered AT LEAST by the fact that an affair takes "quality time," simple conversation, respect, light affection, and just their presence, etc. away from the spouse who is entitled to receive it and gives it to another person.

Therefore, I don't think the exposure is, in any sense, different between the two types. If one desires to do so, one could say "so and so is having an affair with (someone). They haven't had sex yet but it's headed that way. Will you please help me stop them from..."

Expose to "God and everybody," as the saying goes. The more help you have to stop this thing dead in the water, the better.

You did the right thing! There is no difference between an EA and a PA. And you can't "expose" to a WS, he already knows he is having an affair!

You did great! But please don't stop before you have done the most important exposure, the OWH. I would do this ASAP, before she gets to him and spins the story too much.

I contacted OWH and informed him of the phone bill records. 1026 text messages in a 14 day period plus all of the constant phone contact at all hours of the night and day.

He said his W had told him a little about what happened at the store yesterday but refused to discuss his relationship with his wife. Respect that. Offered him a copy of the phone bill but said he would investigate his own bill. End of conversation.

Now that he has moved out I'm wondering what plan I should be in. Is now the time to Plan B? He's wanting to negotiate the split of things and I just can't even think about that.

Thank you all for your time in advising me!!!

Make sure that you read up on Plan A and Plan B here on this site. It sounds to me like you've done an excellent job of exposure so far...that's great!

At this point, the trick for you is to maintain a plan A to end the affair. This can be pretty hard to manage, but the concept is simple. Basically, what you start with is telling your H that you are NOT interested in talking divorce/seperation. You love him, and you still want to fix the marriage. Towards that end, you're not going to discuss ANYTHING to do with seperation/divorce.

Let him know exactly why you exposed...it was by no means intended to hurt him...but there was no way that you were going to sit there and allow him to continue on in this affair. And by making sure that everyone knew what was going on, you were working to end the affair.

He's going to be a jerk for a while...he's VERY angry with you right now for ruining his little fantasy world. This is NORMAL...and so don't let it get to you.

Your next steps are outlined in plan A...start working on yourself. Make yourself the more attractive choice between OW and you. Start doing the things that you know are things that are 'deposits in his love bank'. DO NOT MOVE OUT OF THE HOUSE. DO NOT LET HIM TAKE ANY OF THE KIDS.

Take a look at the information on this site about 'emotional needs'. Try to evaluate what you believe his EN's are...and start working to meet those as best as you can. Avoid love busters...things that are major withdrawls from his love bank. At the same time, realize that actions towards ending the affair are NOT LB's...exposure, etc...these are things you SHOULD do.

Keep posting here to vent. Don't vent on your H.

Finally, there IS hope for your situation. My wife was involved in an EA almost two years ago...she was all set to leave me and our four kids to go live with someone she'd never met in person...but we're doing great now.

Owl gave you perfect advice. Especially the part about not discussing divorce or seperation or splitting up things. Tell him you won't discuss splitting up, but will only discuss ways to repair your marriage. If he wants to split stuff up, make him do all the work legally.

Your H will be angry that you interfered with his affair, but don't despair, his anger will blow over.

I'm not thinking too clearly right now. Let me make sure I understand what you're suggesting.

Even though WH states he wants a divorce and has moved his things out of the house.
States he's not happy with me and never will be and further thinks he knows he can never make me happy.
Wants to discuss split of assets.
This is the second A in two years.


I should be in Plan A. HOW?
Do I call him and communicate with pleasant chit chat?
Take him lunch or dinner where he works and now lives with OW family!?

Do I wait for contact initiated by him and then be pleasant?

I don't know how to accomplish this. I NEED help

T, you wait until he contacts you and just be as pleasant as possible when he does. If you think it would help to invite him out for a meal [let him calm down first] then I would do it.

Your H is saying all the CLASSIC stuff that a WS in the throes of an addictive affair says. Pay it no mind. You should equate his confused rantings with the statements of a falling down drunk. He is very confused, so don't let his comments effect you. This is FAR FROM OVER.

And once the affair ends, his comments will change.

He LIVES with the OW's family?

Do you have Surviving an Affair by Willard Harley? I would get that book asap. You can order it here or get it at the bookstore.

OK...first off, don't come across as needy or pushy. That's a big no-no for any BS, and it's really hard to balance out. I KNOW I was way too needy when I was in this situation.

You don't have to initiate contact with him for this to work. Whenever he contacts you for any reason, be as pleasant as you can be. Make sure that you're dressed nicely, hair done, etc...whenever he comes by for anything. Read on what lovebusters are, and avoid those anytime you're dealing with him. This does not mean you should lie to him about how you're feeling...just that you avoid being confrontational/argumentative/etc...with him. Be the kind of person you WANT to be. Try to think about what it is he finds attractive in women...what he found attractive about YOU when you first met. And emphasize THAT when you're with him.

No, you don't need to (nor should you) go to OW's house.

Simply do not talk with him about seperation/divorce stuff AT ALL. When he brings up the division of assets...tell him that you're not interested in talking divorce...you're only going to talk about reconciliation. As I said...be a broken record.

Honestly, I WOULD consider getting a lawyer at this point to help you assess your legal situation. And if your H files, then stick to your mantra...I don't want a divorce...I want to reconcile. Anything divorce related will be handled by the lawyers, not between you and I.

As we said...read up on all of the information on this site...not just the forum. Consider calling Steve Harley for counseling too...it's the Harley's method for recovering a marriage from infidelity that we're talking about here...they ARE the masters at this stuff.

My opinion?

Talk to an attorney today .... Learn what your rights are.

there is a serious life-style issue going on ...

Plan A a second affair?

I don't think so !!!

like I said, MY OPINION!!!!

(((( sorry ))))

Pep-

Actually, I've got reservations based on knowing this is a second affair myself. But, I still think we need to give the best advice we can.

I would be FAR more cautious about proceeding in reconcilitation with someone who's been in an affair BEFORE...but that's my opinion too.

actually, reconcilitation doesn't bother me so much ....

what I am mostly objecting to .... is any sort of Plan A for the SECOND affair in 2 years ... seems very rewarding for a serial adulteror

Pepper's comments echo what I was thinking. One adultery is a catastrophic problem. Two, a few years apart, is evidence of a trend in the husband’s behavior.

Plan A works, and can be justified, the first time but if the WS doesn’t commit a thousand percent and re-offends, he gets to be “pampered” by a repeat of Plan A? I don’t know. It just doesn’t seem right.

In a sense, I think the initial Plan A has been breached after a lengthy application of its principles and now it’s time for a healthy Plan B…with a trip to the local attorney for some information.