This is my first post, although I have been lurking for a few weeks. I found MB after my WH of 10 yrs informed me on 12/12/05 that "it's time to move on". When i asked had he found someone else, the answer was "yes and no". I received the usual fog response . . . our marriage was bad for a long time . . . it's not about her. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/teary.gif" alt="" />

Well, long story short, I tried following plan A but couldn't deal with the EA (possible PA). So i LB'ed and made him leave, packing his stuff in his car for him <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />. I followed through with plan B and it wasn't long before he contacted me asking if we could work things out. Because OW is a co-worker, i told WH, one of them would have to leave the job and NC needs to be established, as i know he is addicted. He said there's no way he could quit his job. So i continued with plan B.

Ironically, a week ago, i ran into an old high school sweetheart. We've spent a lot of time together this week and i have really enjoyed his company. I realize i'm on the rebound, so i've taken things very slow.

Today, i receive an email from WH telling me how sorry and wrong he is <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />. He wants to reconcile and even quit his job. Here's my problem . . . I can't find a reason (other than the children) to work on the M. I was so terribly broken hearted when he told me he no longer loved me, but now all i can think about is a new life and starting over. Does this sound like i'm in a fog? I'm so afraid of making a choice i'll regret later. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

This marriage probably is very salvagable. Do you want to save it? How old are your children?

You are in a fog. Please do not do this to yourself, your marriage or your children.

Is your old sweetheart married? If so,that is another marriage/family that will be wounded if not ruined.

What reason do you have?

How about a marriage and a relationship that you have invested a great deal into?

How about your pride?

How about your morals and values?

How about your self esteem?

Please don't do this. Read the posts by miserable8888 in the recovery section. Of course hers was a revenge affair, but isn't that what this would be?

Please call the Harleys tomorrow. Get into counseling.

I think right now you are too vulnerable to be making any serious decisions. I think you should probably spend some time alone for a while, and give your marriage some hard thought. Pain can cause a person to do things we normally wouldn't do, and the long term effect could be of even greater pain. Just something to consider.

Jennifer68

p.s. as far as seeing someone else, let me caution you with a huge red flag. You could fall in love with a ham sandwich right now if it looked at you the right way. You are at an extremely vulnerable place right now and your judgement is impaired. Thats why its a good idea to get over one relationship before jumping into the next. The diversion might feel good, but it sure won't help you heal.

Rebound affairs are usually huge mistakes that end fairly quickly, leaving you more brokenhearted than the first split.

I would also point out the obvious; that you are married and are not available for dating. If you date, then you are just as guilty as your H of committing adultery.

Thanks for the replies. I love the ham sandwich analogy.

You are right. It is very painful and confusing. It seems it would be so much easier just to move on.

I have 4 children (16, 14, 12, 2). Only the 2 yo is WH's. He has been a wonderful step-dad and father. But in the last year he has changed so much. The family man i used to know has turned into a body building, tanning, teeth whitening, dieting, corvette searcing stranger. I believe him when he says the OW didn't come into his life till recently, but he must have been searching for something else for a while. I asked many times, why the sudden importance of physical appearance and he replied with "it makes me feel good about myself". I understood and was ok with that.

He's not one to open up. We tried discussing working on the M but he had nothing to say. We completed the EN questionarre and discussed the answers but after, we just didn't know what to say to each other. It was so awkward, we just sat in silence.

No, my old sweetheart is not married and i have morals and values. I don't consider my pride or self esteem to be reasons to work on the M. It's pride and self esteem telling me to move on. And is invested time a reason to invest additional time in a M?

Jennifer, i have to agree. I should probably take some alone time and really dig deep. It's very foggy where i am.

Believe me, it's not. There is nothing easy about divorce. There is nothing easy about raising 4 kids alone. There is nothing easy about being alone. There is nothing easy about being lonely or about trying to start all over with someone else who is a stranger to your kids.

It is entirely possible to salvage your marriage and end up with a fabulous marriage, better than what you had before. An affair does not have to mean the end of a marriage.

Have you exposed this affair? Who is this OW?

Was he married before? How did his marriage end? How did your previous marriage end?

Wow. Please listen to what everyone here is saying. The children are a HUGE reason to try again with your WH on their own, but that doesn't mean that you're gonna have to choke down a couple of decades of unhappiness just for them. With willingness and hard work, you can have the kind of marriage that you've always dreamed of, far better than before. And as you create this new life and happiness, and grow through the trials, you will make the suffering of your WH's betrayal STAND FOR SOMETHING.

You need to make this decision with your head, not your heart. I once read this in an article about marriage counselling: "[Marriage counsellor] Halford points out that when couples are really unhappy, they are often in no position to judge whether to go or stay. He compares it to asking a severely depressed woman to set ambitious life goals. A good therapist will help the couple assess their relationship, looking at strengths as well as weaknesses, and use proven strategies to work on the relationship to see whether their sense of commitment increases."

The following guide to making the decision is from "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass.


PICK UP THE PIECES OR THROW IN THE TOWEL?


1. Physical and emotional abuse

Throw in the Towel:

• If you are only staying because you are afraid to leave.
• If you feel like a prisoner in your own home.
• If partner blames you for provoking their anger.
• If you feel like you are losing your sense of identity.

Pick Up the Pieces

• If the abuse has been linked to drug or alcohol, and your partner is in recovery.
• If the fights are interactive ones where you participate equally in the escalation, and you are involved in couples therapy to learn conflict resolution.
• If partner admits responsibility for the abuse and is committed to long term therapy and/or medication.


2. Financial irresponsibility

Throw in the Towel:

• If you have lost vital assets due to partner's reckless spending or gambling.
• If partner acts entitled to buy extravagant personal items but doesn't have money for the basics like groceries.

Pick Up the Pieces

• If you have enabled your partner by encouraging their spending or by continuously bailing them out.
• If their over-spending is a symptom of power struggles in the relationship.


3. Infidelity

Throw in the Towel:

• If partner has no compassion for your pain.
• If partner justifies the betrayal or minimizes the significance of the infidelity.
• If partner continues to lie and deceive you.


Pick Up the Pieces

• If partner shows remorse and empathy for your devastation.
• If partner takes responsibility for understanding their vulnerabilities.
• If partner is willing to discuss the betrayals openly and honestly.
• If the unfaithful behavior has stopped.


Sometimes people leave relationships because the passion is gone, or because the loving feelings have diminished. This could be a big mistake. Most relationships shift from romantic idealization to a period of disillusionment. Those who keep working at it then move into a reality based mature love in which differences and minor flaws are accepted. Lack of loving feelings can be caused by unresolved resentments or insufficient of time and attention on the relationship. Remember if you leave to start another relationship, you will eventually have to struggle with many of the same issues. Why not try to maximize the one you are already committed to.

No, this is his first marriage. The older 3 children are from my previous marriage. That marriage ended when H left for someone else (does anyone else see a pattern) while I was pregnant with DS #3.

OW is a co-worker of his. The affair has been exposed to his family, who were very supportive of me and would really like to see us work things out. I don't know if anyone else at his work knows, other than one lady who's child goes to the same daycare as my 2 yo.

Bravo to all those BS's that have morphed a broken M into a happy one.

dw, then I would consider exposing the affair at work if you decide to save the marriage. Another good exposure target would be OW's husband, if any, and her family. Exposure is ruinous to affairs and can cause them to quickly crumble. Affairs can only survive for long when they are kept secret. Do you know who this OW is?

RiverTam, thank you! You have really given me something to think about.

No woz, d_w. A little while ago I read an article about research that shows that within five years, the great majority of people who decide to end a marriage regret it and say it's the worst decision they've made. Sobering, to say the least.