Hi everyone,

I'm still very new here, although alas, not new to this whole MLC/extramarital affair deal.

On the 24th of December, WH was unspeakably nasty because I refused to allow him to play happy families with S10, he and the OW on Christmas day. He was so nasty - despite exemplary, loving and friendly behaviour for the seven months he's been gone - that I knew I had to retreat away from him as fast as possible. On the 25th of December, I saw him at church; gave him a kiss on the cheek, wished him Merry Christmas, and left. In the couple of days after that, I contacted him through email about the children and finances; rather than email me back, he would ring. Shortly after THAT, I found this site, found out about Plans A and B, discovered that I've unwittingly been following Plan A all this time, and decided to implement Plan B straight away. I sent him the letter through email on 30 December, and then took our children (one of whom - S16 - lives with him) to the city for our customary NY celebrations with my family for a few days.

Now... I don't know what he did for NY. S10 wanted to ring him on the night of 31 Dec and I told him to wait until after dinner (late dinner! it's traditional with us <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />), and S16 said, "Mum, it's 11.00! Let S10 ring now, Dad will be in bed soon." Don't know whether he was right or not, but one thing's for certain: he didn't spend NY with my family - whom he dearly loves and misses - as has been the case for the past 21 years. So I thought he might miss it.

ANYWAY. D18 came home early on the train. WH rang her on the 2nd to wish her a happy new year, and started crying. He cried and cried... then told her he will never love OW's little girl as much as he loves her. (((barf))) D18 was like, "Umm... yeah. Whatever. Thanks, Dad."

Yesterday on the way home, S16 gave WH a ring to let him know that we were leaving for home and gave him an ETA. Two hours later, WH rings, asking for an ETA! When S16 hangs up, he says, "Dads sends his love." I mean... WTF? What IS this? He's sending love now? Because he's lonely? Because I've removed myself from him? Or is it his way of maintaining some kind of control? You know, since this whole thing started, WS has made loving and/or friendly "come hither" moves, which somehow, according to him, I'm not meant to "interpret the wrong way" because he ISN'T coming back. And yet he does them. Frankly? It occurs to me now that they're all about him, and about control. This stupid man loves me, and it is NECESSARY for him to express his love for me, in some way; it just has to happen in a vaccuum, with it not affecting me at all, and me not raising my hopes at all, or me not pressuring him at all. Well. That's just not going to happen any more. Not because of me - after all I am free to interpret things as I will - but because of him. He will not have any more opportunities to make "come hither" moves. Unless, of course, he gets rid of the OW for good, and then I might consider paying them a gram of attention.

So my question is: is it possible, given his behaviour - tears, sending his "love", etc. - that going dark on him has begun to have an effect? He's been so unpleasant (although granted, he does "cycle" and isn't ALWAYS unpleasant, and sometimes is his old lovely self) that I thought he'd be relieved to see the back of me. I'd appreciate some thoughts. (Please forgive the cut-and-paste. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />)

OH, it sounds very positive that going dark is having an impact. Keep it going!! Remember, if you react too soon, all will be lost. I do think WS have a way of using your love to control you. NOW, you have taken the control away & he feels like you are really slipping away. That changes the game (if we can call it that sadly). You are doing the right thing. Stay VERY VERY dark! His withdrawl from you may be just the kick in the pants he needs to realize what he is really losing.

Even if & when he gets rid of OW, you must take this SLOOOOOOOOOOOOW! Too soon and he'll be gone again. Great progress so far it sounds like. Plan B is working.

Thanks, Want2BStrong. This is all new to me and I need people who know whereof they speak to coach me through this.

I am VERY determined to stay dark. Matter of fact, there's another board he knows I frequent, and he was aware of my online handle (and once obsessively read everything I posted) so I removed my old membership and started a new one so he won't be able to go on there and see what's going on in my heart and mind.

When he was so awful on 24th December, calling me the worst names I've ever been called by ANYONE, let alone the love of my life, I was left looking heavenwards and asking, "What purpose did THAT serve? I already know I'm strong!" It occurs to me now that if nothing else, that event was enough to steel me for an uncompromising Plan B. Whether or not he returns, it's patently clear that his guilt makes him into a horrible person, and having a relationship - ANY relationship - while he's with OW is impossible. I must do this for my own self-love and self-respect as much as for anything else.

1st-- Firefly should have been renewed. Serenity was an AWESOME movie and I look forward to more!

2nd-- Stay Dark. Glad you are pretty much deciding to do that. Look at it this way-- you wont be fulfilling an EN by talking to him, which means his OW has to fill that void. Odds are she CAN'T and he wont be satisfied. He has to hit bottom and have some of that fog cleared.

Let OW handle his crying.

1st. Heck, yeah! Got the complete series box set? We do and it's got an absolute thrashing! And as D18 is fond of saying, "You give your heart to Wash, but you save your body for Jayne." <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

2nd. That's a good way of putting it, mojodiva. So... do you think I was serving an EN by allowing him to speak to me when the demons got a hold of him? Because almost every time it happened, he was angry and upset over something quite independent of me, although not independent of the sitch he's created for himself. What think you?

River-
I have the movie, but have to save for the set. I may ask for it as a birthday gift. Im kinda hoping that the Sci Fi channel will actually try to pick up the show again, but now that you know what with those two wonderful characters happened, not sure it could play out.

Im not sure you were exactly fulfilling an EN as more allowing him an outlet, like mentioned before. Also, he may have gotten a strange thrill off of feeling you were still waiting for him int he wings, as it were. Cut that off from him and he may begin to panic. And OW is going to wonder what the heck is up.

I've got a good feeling that Plan B is going to shake things up. I'd say two months tops before you find him at your doorstep trying to pick a fight.

Ah so the movie's been released on DVD in your part of the world? Not here yet. I picked up the set half price... so bought two! One for me and one for D18. I wouldn't be surprised if those two characters were to make an appearance in future. After all, in Joss Whedon's 'verses, anything is possible!


Yeah... I see what you mean. But at the moment I kinda wonder what EN she WON'T be meeting, you know? He says she "makes him happy". S16, who lives with him, says he's unhappy (I call it depressed) most of the time, unless he's with OW. This is pretty bloody depressing to ME, let me tell you. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />


Ha! Will let you know if it does. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />