Hi SC,

I have noticed you slip this sort of thing in at other times too:


need help with this? i really do not want to add to your thinking of him, i just know that it can be hard. it is also very self-destructive and self-sabatoging.

I am the BS and I always think of the Ow. It is the reverse -sowever, I find I need to just keep busy when I start thinking along these lines. Occupy my mind with other things.

hi realtor, i agree, keeping busy is a great way to fight those thoughts.

i have seen SC mention her struggle with thoughts a few times very subtly and this morning thought i would ask her how she was doing.

let me make it VERY clear. I am not in any way shape or form wanting to open up a discussion about the OM. that is a complete waste of time. but how to help her cope with the thoughts can be a useful thing to talk about.

Hi FL,
Thanks. You're very perceptive. I am indeed struggling with this. A friend of mine who had an affair told me that she wrote the OM's name on piece of paper and burned it. That sort of thing doesn't work very well for me. Keeping busy is all very well and good, but I AM busy. There are still those times alone in the car, trying to fall asleep at night etc. There are also plenty of "triggers" since he plays in a local rock band (formerly my H's and my favorite band <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />). And then there's the fact that part of me LIKES to remember. Sick, I know, but true. Sooo... give it your best shot. What do you suggest?
--SC

may I butt in here? SC, try focusing on the negatives about OM. Really...everytime you find yourself thinking fondly of him remember that he was willing to help destroy a marriage. What does that say about his character? What else can remember about him that you did not like? Make those traits HUGE in your mind. Then switch to the positives about your H. Anything he has done lately to make you feel good. Things he does because he loves you. The positives in his character. It takes practice but it does work. Pretty soon you will find yourself feeling nauseated when you think of OM.

Excellent advice, FF.

I call it The Gimble Mind Trick.

He says to focus on one thing you don't like about OM, and there has to be something (his feet, his nose, etc...), and every time OM crosses your mind, think about that one thing.

He says it's all about brain chemistry, and it CAN be altered.

well, FF gives good suggestions but I have to admit. i have not gotten to a point where thoughts of the OM nauseate me. i just cannot have thoughts of OM. period, end of sentence.

ok, so for me there is more than one OM (that so S*CKS to say), and there are differences. i'm thinking the main person i met from the internet, who is the person i was with the most and for the longest time, fits your situation the best. he is the hardest for me because he was the true addiction. was OM an addiction for you?

for me, music was a huge trigger. i have literally had to change to 100% christian music, i just CANNOT listen to a pop music station. i don't know if i ever will be able to again. there are CDs in our house, like Eric Clapton, CDs enjoyed by just my DH and I, that I can listen to, but that is about it. i literally am fearful of some radio stations. i would not be able to handle hearing certain songs. the hardest thing i had to do was to break and throw away all the cds OM had burned for me.

do you have ANYTHING that you should be getting rid of SC?? i know that might be a hard question for you. At least i knew it was for me. it took me WAY to long to break those CDs.

unfortunately i can also relate to having a part of me that could still enjoy some memories. SC all i can say is you HAVE TO FIGHT IT!!!! SC, i still have to fight it. i hate to admit that but not admitting it would be worse.

You have to force yourself to just STOP when those urges come. it's easy to say... what the harm? right? it just thoughts... but there is plenty of harm occuring when you let yourself drift into memories.

do you agree? and when you answer that, tell me do you really agree???

froz, that trick has not worked for me. i think because, for me, it was such an addiction, not a relationship with a person.

Hi smartcookie -

“And then there's the fact that part of me LIKES to remember.”

I’m a FWS almost 3 ½ years past d-day. I just wanted to comment that the above is a very insightful and honest statement! It took me months after d-day before I would admit this to myself. The good news is that I realized that if I could think about OM on purpose, then I could stop thinking about him on purpose.

I don’t know if this will help or not, but it does get easier with time. My experience is that there are still things that remind me of OM this many years later, but I wouldn’t call them “triggers” anymore. These reminders can still make me feel ashamed and sad about what I’ve done, but it’s no longer “traumatic.”

Also, I had to remind myself that no matter what need the thoughts of OM filled, it was wrong to use him to fill those needs. If those needs couldn't be filled right then in a legitimate way, then I would have to go without until they could be filled, or find other "legal" ways to comfort myself. For instance, if I was lonely and my H was avoiding me, then I would have to find friends or family to be with, or hug my cat. If something is wrong, it's wrong no matter what my needs are.

If you continue being as honest with yourself as you were above, you will do well. Also, like FL wrote - remove as many triggers as you can that you have control over, like not listening to a certain radio station, or not listening to the radio at all if that’s what it takes.

God bless,

Rose55

FL! Short threadjack! Just wanted to say "HI."I haven't posted in so long that I had forgotten my password and had to get a new one! I have been very busy the past few months, working, going to school, and becoming a grandmother!

My H and I are still together. He still has the blues a lot, which transfers to me and I get depressed and sometimes feel like we won't be able to stay married after all. We both agree that we are helpless without God getting us through this.

We both want to stay M, just get weary of the sadness. Our new grandson is such a blessing, though, and I'm so grateful to be a part of his life, and thank God that I didn't end up with OM and away from my family! What a horror it is to think how my life would be if I'd stayed with OM.

God bless,

Rose55

Hi Rose!!! just to not totally highjack, i'm starting a new post for you. look for it in a few minutes.

i also wanted to re-emphasize what you said about how even using the thoughts of OM to satisfy some need is wrong.

and i agree, it is great that SC can be so honest with herself about how there is a part of her that likes the memories. that is definitely the very FIRST thing one must be able to do, to really face yourself front on, in order to heal and grow. i think she is extremely strong and capable of doing just that. simple but not easy <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

ok, now i'm going to go start a new thread...

Thanks everyone. Nice to meet you Rose.

Yes FL, definately an addiction. In fact, I referred to it that way from the very beginning, even though I had never heard the drug addiction/affair analogy before.

However, I can think of plenty of negative things about him. In fact, I had gotten to a place where I actually cringed a little thinking about him, but hated the way that made me feel (ie. having to admit to myself that I was charmed by a snake) so I let myself slip back into the memories of how exciting it was and how special he made me feel, at least for a short period of time.

I think that's also part of my problem -- that the A was so short, over before I was ready, and that he rejected me. I don't deal well with rejection. Never have. In fact, back in my dating days, 2 of the 3 "significant" guys who dumped me came crawling back later, and the whole time I was politely and kindly rebuffing them, I was gloating like crazy on the inside. Vindictive little sh--, aren't I?

Anyway, bottom line, I think the technique you recommended FF will help alot. Not only focusing on OM's negatives, but DH's positives (which you all know by now, he has many!) As I said, I had already started doing that to some extent, then got off track. (And for the record FF, you are hearby invited to "butt in" any time you want to! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />)

FL, I don't have anything from him that I need to get rid of. But you're absolutely right about the music/radio thing. Also about telling myself that they're "only thoughts", yet knowing the truth of how destructive they are.

And Rose, you're right about using those memories to fill a need. In my case, my H is doing a great job of filling my EN's. But there may be something else at work here. Awhile back, FL, you asked me if I'm afraid of intimacy. And in my most recent thread, TogetherAlone suggested I might consider whether I'm afraid of intimacy AND abondonment. I haven't really figured out whether that's true, but I'm considering the possiblity that I'm conjuring up all these "fond" memories of OM because my DH is beginning to get a little to close for comfort.

Finally, FL, thank you so much for drawing me out about this. I had mentioned awhile back that I was still having cravings for OM and got mosty curt replies, more-or-less telling me to just stop, but not a lot of advice on HOW to stop. It has been helpful for me to hash this out a little more in writing, and I will take all of the above suggestions to heart.

--SC

SC, thanks for the official "invite". <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

One more thing I found helpful..anything that used to remind me of OM like songs etc... I would force myself to listen to and think of my H until the song was no longer associated with OM. The only thing I have not accomplished is the rare times I see someone that physically reminds me of him, I still get a shock through my system. I do not harbor ANY good thoughts about OM anymore. We had a long, long friendship and I don't miss that anymore either. I was able to step back and see his faults, how manipulative he was and how ugly my relationship with him was.

SC -

My A 4 years ago was an EA with an old "love" from my high school days. I fantasized for years about him, when he dumped me got involved with my best friend (they married a coupl years after I did). My EA turned into a ONS when he showed up unexpectedly at a conference I was attending. I lost my head. What finally got me over him were 2 things - knowing that in real life he is not the kind of man I want around my children, and seeing the hurt I caused my WH through it all. I literally destroyed myself for this OM, and lost everything dear. I have spoken to him recently aout what I am going through with my WH - and he hasn't changed a bit - and I am glad that my A ended when it did. I would be in far worse shape now if I hadn't.

SO think about those qualities/habits that you found annoying, and then spend some time reflecting on those qualities day in an dday out - like aversion therapy!

I don't know if that helps - Jan

yes, i remember and I saw TA's post to you about the same.

i am sure have felt threatened by too much closeness, even though that is what i long for. and therefore I have tried various ways to self-sabatoge efforts. i've worked my way thru most of it. but my most recent one is my weight. but that is another story.
you are welome <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />