Hello Everyone. I have been reading posts here for the past two months and would like to thank you all for helping me through the worst part of my life. My WW(29)of six years had an EA/PA In Sept. & Oct.. D-day was Oct. 24.

I am in Therapy and have read every book I can find on ending affairs, recovering from affairs, and forgiveness. We are in recovery but are still very fragile. The support I have gotten from this forum has been the biggest help of all. I am still struggling everyday but I feel like I am starting to heal.

Welcome, OctoberHeartbrk. I'm new here too.

Good luck with your relationship recovery. It's TOUGH, but doable. Baby steps, now!

I see that NC has just been established. Did she write a NC letter?

NC was supposed to have been started mid November. I found out that she was still talking to him on her cell phone, E-mailing, and Instant Messaging. I confronted her with the fact that I knew she was still communicating with him on 12-11-05. The communications were platonic in nature. That did not matter to me, No Contact is no Contact. She has not talked to him on her cell phone or IM'ed him since. On Christmas Eve she sent him a "Happy Holiday" Email, which was platonic and wished him and his family the best. She signed it "Best wishes, " She does not know that I know she sent this. I don't think she will have any other contact. I made it perfectly clear that I will not tolerate any contact. She seems to be out of the fog and finally getting it.
No, no contact letter was ever written. I had asked for it to be done shortly after D-day, but it was not. Now she feels that it is too late to write it and it is better not to send anything.

Hi OctHbk

Welcome to MB. I know it is not the place you thought you would be in your marriage, but it happens. I am happy to hear about your recovery.

Have you talked to the Harleys yet?

Are you both following MB principles?

Here is some more of my story. I found out about the EA from OM's Wife. She called me to tell me about email, phone records, and the fact that they were together on a recent week long business trip. She called my wife at work too. My wife was prepared to talk about it when she came home. She told me everything about the Affair except she insited that all they had done was kissed. It didn't sit right with me, although I wanted to believe it. My wife was a virgin when we met. I was the only person she ever had sex with. A month into recovery from the EA, I found an email talking about how they used protection when they had sex. I was completely crushed. It was like a 2nd D-day. The sex part has been the hardest for me to deal with.

She's violated your trust, and in my opinion this needs to be addressed. You could ask her something along the lines of "I need to be able to trust you, and for this I need to feel that you're being as honest as possible with me at all times. Have you had any sort of contact with the OM over the Christmas holidays? Did you try to contact him, or vice-versa?".

If she admits the contact, then that's a step forward. If she does not, then you could say something along the lines of "I've been informed that you sent a text message to him... (etc). I'm disappointed that we're still in a position where you feel uncomfortable being honest with me, what can we do to address this, etc...".



Sounds more to me like she doesn't support NC.

OctHbk

That is tough but something all BS's either battle with or wonder about. In my case my WW says it was only kissing, hugging, hand holding, no petting, etc.... She is still sticking to her story. Do I believe her. Not really, I have doubts.

Someone pointed out to me on my thread. It really is not difference though. Kissing is something reserved for someone you are committed to and the deal was really done when the kissing was done. In other words the Kissing if you think about it was SF.

I know that is hard to hear and for me it is a coping mechanisim I use to get past the unknown.

Good luck and keep reading.

MIM,
I am watching my wife closely. If there is any other contact I plan to deal with it swiftly. I think that the Holiday Email was my wife's way of getting a little bit of closure. If contact is resumed I will sqaush it like a bug.

I hope you made it clear to the OM's wife that they did indeed have sex. In addition, I would absolutely insist on a no contact letter and make it clear that you know about her holiday greetings. What have been the consequences to her actions? It seems she continues to break contact and lies to you about it. I think she feels she can continue to break contact because there are no consequences from you. Am I wrong?

Waitingonlove,

I have been wondering quite a bit lately, which is better Knowing for sure that my wife had sex with OM or wondering about it for the rest of my life. I'm not sure.....

OctHbk

Just saw the last 2 posts. You for sure need to insist on a NC letter and address her violation of trust. If not it will be forever holding in your mind. She will perceive it as a LB but it is not. Better to do it now early in recovery than later. ( I have not been successful with NC letter and too have had a 2nd D-day, I am going to keep trying for it and will ask SH to mention it to her next week)

Keep working your Plan and Recovery. Are you both practicing full MB principles?

I am on the other side of the fence from where you are. Too me I look at it this way. The wondering verse the knowing.

They both hurt. Here is my analogy.

If you are in a battlefield and suffer and terrible injury and need to have something cut off your body. The pain is bad either way. Using a dull instrument (wondering) takes much longer than using a very sharp instrument (knowing) to do the procedure.

They both hurt, but the pain is over quicker, (less nerves damaged) from the sharp instrument and the wound (your pain) will heal much quicker and the pain of the event (when you find out) is over as soon as you know about it. It is what you do with it later that matter.

Does that make sense. I think I would rather know if it did happen. Ignorance is not bliss.

Thanks for all of your comments and questions. A lot of you are really pushing for a no contact letter. I would like to know more about why. Shortly after D-day, I wanted A NC written as a way to end the affair in no uncertain terms and get my wife out of the fog and through witdrawl. Now, two months later, The communication has stopped with the exception of the Holiday email, my wife seems to be out of the fog and almost out of withdrawl. She feels it is too late to write a letter, although I have not been pushing for it. I guess I would feel better if the two of us sent a nc letter to OM and OMW. What can I say to get my wife to be pro-NC letter?

WaitingOL,
I know what you mean.... Even though the pain of knowing is so intense, I feel like at least someday I will be able to put it behind me. If I did not know for sure it would haunt me for a long time. When I went looking for more info on the affair, I was not looking for info to prove my wife wrong. I was insearch of info to prove her right. I wanted to believe her and for the most part I did. I was hoping to find some info that would put the little bit of doubt I had to rest. What a can of worms I opened up...

You can recover. Keep working. I would really push for the NC letter and from what I can see, it really needs to be from her. Not the 2 of you.

I am not as experianced as some and certianly do not have a handle on my sitch, but that is the way I see it.

My opinion: you have knowledge of something that she's done that violates your trust. Until you address this, there's no possible way that trust can be restored between the two of you.

MIM, I respect your opinion.
I am starting to trust my wife even though she sent the Holiday E-mail. Let me explain because I know that those things oppose each other. Even after D-day, my wife was talking on the phone to OM a couple of times a day, e-mailing every few days, and Im ing once in a while. The nature of their conversations was, "I can't believe the mess we have created. How is your spouse reacting, etc." In her fogged out brain she was not continuing with the affair, she was just turning to a friend for support....Duh...
When I confronted her about it she had an emotional break down. I think it was the first time the reality of the situation hit her. We were getting divorced because she was stupid enough to keep talking to him. She put it all at risk for something so stupid. She finally woke up. Since then she has almost been her old self again. There has not been one single phone call, which is huge because she was addicted to it. There has not been any Ims. There has been one email which was wrong, but at least it was not romantic in nature. This is a huge improvement. The feeling I got from the jist of the email was "have a good life and I hope you and your family find happiness." I think that in my wife's mind that was the very last communication. Everyday since, My trust in her grows. Like I said, I am keeping a close eye on her. If I confront her about the holiday letter, I will lose my ability to keep such a close eye on her. I am planning on holding my cards close to my vest until she proves herself, one way or the other, to me.

By the way, I really love my wife. I was a neglectful husband and took her for granted. She told me there were problems in our marriage and I couldn't see what she was talking about. I thought everything was fine and that she was just being melodramatic. I didn't put my marriage first in my life. I was selfish. I was cold. It took this affair for me to wake up and take a hard look at the person I was. I am changing for the better. I hope its not too late because I really love my wife.

She has not done too much to really earn your trust .... not yet.

Be very careful .... trust her like you'd trust a heroin addict who has not used in 2 weeks .... she must be watched.