October -

Here are two words that will help you "gauge" where your wife is at.

ABOVE REPROACH

This is the type of life she should be willing to live if she isn't hiding anything. It is attainable though. It will require a level of brokenness in your wife that will be painful to achieve but it truly can happen. Flukette and I are living, loving proof!

I'm sorry you're feeling the pain of another "reset of the clock". Many of us know that disappointment. All I can tell you about it is that we're here for you in those moments. Keep posting bro.

Now she sent me another nasty email. She wants to know how I am spying on her. The tone of her emails is sooo mean and nasty. I know I hit a nerve. She has been wonderful for three weeks now. Yesterday she was so loving and we were connecting and everything seemed perfect. Today she is in a rage because I sent her a one line e-mail "Did you talk to OM, yesterday?"

Here is my dilema, My honesty has always been an issue with her. I never cheated on her or anything else, but I would keep a lot of things to myself... Since she has found me snooping into matters of her affair, she has really been focusing on this. She has anxiety problems and she says my actions are feeding into that. I am trying to be completly honest and upfront with her about everything, except that I am monitoring her. I don't feel bad about this. It is for her good as well as mine. My plan is that when she proves to me that I can trust her, then I won't have to monitor her. Now she wants to know how I am monitoring her. Ofcorse I can't tell her... What should I say. I would tell her someday when this is all behind us and only a distant memory. Right now, It is my only means of making sure the rebuilding of our marriage is going in the right direction. Please help. How do I handle this?

Simply say, "I am doing, and will continue to do whatever it takes to save our marriage, you, we, mean that much to me, honey..."

She is trying to feel you out to see how much you know...keep at it!!! You're doing great!!!

Mrs. W

Simple...tell her you're not going to tell her how you know.

Tell her that she's totally destroyed trust between the two of you with her affair. And right now, HOW you know what's going on isn't the issue...tell her to quit trying to focus this on you. Tell her that the issue is her continued contact with OM.

Tell her that it's on HER to rebuild this trust in your marriage. She has to do that a couple of ways. She has to START by ending ANY contact with OM completely. Then, she needs to give you all of her email addresses, passwords, logins,etc... Same thing for ALL of her IM/chat logins. AND...she needs to set it up so that you can get online access to her cell invoice so that you can verify THAT as well.

And she needs to do this WILLINGLY. The ONLY way to rebuild trust is to DEMONSTRATE TRUSTWORTHINESS. She hasn't done that. By doing what she's doing right now, she is clearly showing you that she's NOT willing to become an open book in this kind of stuff. Give her the old Dr Phil quote..."Those with nothing to hide, hide nothing."

Again, take a stand here. Make it clear she's NOT going to push this back on you. Make it clear you're NOT going to back down and tell her how you know...on the contrary, she needs to come to YOU and help you know what you need to check on in order to rebuild your trust in her!

She'll try that ole "YOU DON"T TRUST ME!!!" line...when she does, be honest! Tell her the flat truth..."Ya darn skippy I don't trust you, Booboo!" Remind her she just had AN AFFAIR...and she's been back in contact with OM when she promised she wouldn't be...SHE BROKE YOUR TRUST AGAIN.

Then...steer this back onto what you need to do to fix the problem now. A new NC letter needs to be sent...one written and copied to you. She needs to change her email/chat/IM logins so OM can't contact her. She needs to change her cell phone...and she needs to give you access to ALL of these.

And...you need to go ahead and install a keylogger on your computer if you don't already have one. Make sure you're able to track if she opens a new email account.

Sorry that you're going through this friend...I know what it's like.

This whole day has been a major LB. She is really upset. I have the keylogger...greatest invention ever...
She is deffinately trying to turn this thing around on me. I'm not going to let her. My spying on her is not the issue.

October,

Owl, is dead on here...I hope my last post to you didn't suggest that you give up your sources...just be evasive, and let her wonder how you know what you know...

Look up one of MelodyLane's posts and get her email addy from her signature line...email her and tell her that Mrs. Wondering told you to ask her what she knows about a good keylogger...

Mrs. Wondering

Cool...glad you have that already!!!

Mrs. W

This is what I wrote to her:

The big issue here is not what I am doing, but what you are not doing. You have not maintained no contact like you said you would. You have not written a no contact letter like I asked you to. You have not gone into marriage counseling with me, like I asked you to. You have not gotten rid of the e-mails, texts, Ims, pictures, or even his phone number out of your address book. You have not changed your yahoo account. You have not changed your cell phone number like I asked you to.

No contact means you never contact him again, you make it clear to him that you don't ever want him to contact you again, and you do whatever you can to insure he can't contact you again.

You have to be completly honest with me and regain my trust. I have to be the best husband I can be and fix the things that I did wrong in this marriage and most importantly, forgive you and put this behind us. I can't put it behind us if anything is happening in the present.

I want to make this marriage work. I am doing everything in my power to try and rebuild it. But, these are the things that you need to do to make it work. I know some of them are not easy for you.

Continue to remind her how much you love her, and how hard you're willing to fight for this marriage.

Let her know that this trust CAN be rebuilt..it takes time, and it takes WORK to do...she can't just coast through this and hope it all just goes away.

And it's going to take work on your part too...but you know that she's worth all the effort it takes to do this.

My wife received virtually the exact same message you just gave your wife...only I told her this very point blank to her face. This was a few weeks after she had made her choice to reconcile and rebuild her marriage too. It's a tough time for a WS I think. Keep showing her the love, and keep up plan A. But, at the same time keep doing what you have to do to end the affair. And that means end the lies and secrecy around it too.

Good job friend!

I have been trying so hard to get my balance up in her love bank. I feel like everything I've put in it just came out. She is going to see this as a huge LB. I've done so much good, it just so hard to watch it all come undone. Thanks for all of your help.

October -

Don't lose heart bro. This is what the battle is like and so far you're doing great. We wouldn't tell you so if you weren't.

How have you handled exposure? What's been done?

OK...you're using the wrong analogy here friend.

What you're doing is NOT a LB'er, even though she's choosing to take it that way. Go back and look again at the list of what LB'ers are...this doesn't meet that. It's an active measure to end the affair.

Have you considered asking her WHY she's so angry about this now? And truthfully, calmly ask her to STOP for a moment and think about WHY she's angry. Being angry about your snooping isn't reasonable. What she's ANGRY about is that she's been busted for having resumed contact. She's responding just like a kid who's been caught doing something they weren't supposed to...and so she's lashing back at you.

Again, simply ask her WHY she's so mad. And try to get her to stop and THINK about it. She's not going to want to. My wife didn't want to either. It means she's got to admit she's been wrong in what she's doing.

Again...this ISN'T the time to focus on how you know or the fact that you're confronting her about this. Right now, make it clear to her that she's agreed to do these things and she's NOT done them...and that in order to rebuild the marriage she HAS to do them. Remember that YOU aren't doing anything wrong here...she is.

She is fumeing!! I would not tell her how I was spying and I asked her "Why does it matter?" She sent me a three paragraph e-mail on how I don't care about her and how I haven't changed at all. If I didn't care about her I wouldn't be here trying to do the right thing, even if it is difficult and my gut tells me otherwise.

We were so happy last night. For the past three weeks it was like we were on our honeymoon. No LBs, great conversation, real closeness, lots of affection... Now she is steaming mad and is probably ready to quit the marriage. I hope I'm doing the right thing....

October...

You are doing the right thing!!! Let me give you my most favorite Marriage Builders advice...

Your marriage can survive anger, but it can NOT and will NOT survive an ongoing affair!!!

Your wife's reaction is standard textbook WS...same type baloney that I said during my A...She wants to create a smoke screen by shifting blame...Do not let yourself get sold the idea that this is in anyway of your making...YOU ARE NOT BUYING IT!!! OKAY???

Stay the course, you're doing great!!!

Mrs. W

Well, she has said that it is over and that she is moving out tonight.

She says that I ruined any chance we had at making it work and that it shows what kind of person I am, ETC.

I just went from being super happy to the worst it could be in 8 hours.

We just had three great weeks and now she wants to walk out??? I'm not sure I did the right thing..... She really has a hang up about my honesty.

Guys, help me out here,

she is saying the cruelest and most hurtful things ever. I've seen her mad, but this is the worst. She just keeps reiterating how much she hates me and what a low life I am. She wanted to have children with me yesterday....

Help

I thought we were way past this stage.... We were making some great progress....Now we are back to square one. I think I'm going to be sick....HELP

Have you asked her how YOU ruined things here?

What, specifically, did you do worse than continuing an affair?

Standard response here friend. The truth is that the affair never ended...she's obviously remained in contact and is now using this as an excuse to be angry with you and attempt to continue the affair. Again, think about this...what have you REALLY done that justifies this anger of hers??? Nothing...and she knows that but chooses to ignore it to maintain the affair.

I don't recall...did you expose her affair before to people in order to get an end to the affair?

AT this point, don't argue with her anymore. Don't agree either. Simply talk more and more quietly as she starts screaming and yelling. Drop it down to a whisper. Not that I want you to be meek...but it will force her to stop and LISTEN for your response. Pause for extended lengths of time before responding to anything she says. Speak slowly, quietly, calmly. Repeat what she says at times to show that you are listening to her. But, do NOT respond to her anger.

As I said...it's apparent that the affair didn't end when she said. This is simply a continuation of the same thing. She's trying to make you feel guilty for having discovered her secret contact with OM...I'd be surprised in truth if she DOES move out. Where would she go?