I really am not sure what to do at this point. I know that H has been having an EA with a very close friend of ours. She's a divorced damsel in distress. I am pretty sure there is more now than an EA but only have circumstantial evidence.

This started because her oldest boy has serious mental disorders and becomes violent with her. She'll call for him to come over and help her when he's out of control. We've been her main support through all of it.

One of her neighbors told me my H was there one evening in Dec. on a Wed. night (12/7),it just so happens that her ex has the kids on Weds. nights. Anyway he told me that all the lights in the house were off-all he could see was the light from the television in the downstairs family room. I am just sick inside about it as that night he was to be out of town for work and I had gone Xmas shopping at the time he left for work..

Also I know he saw in the history folder that I'd been reading here. So he starts this conversation with me about of friend of his whose booted his wife because she's never where she is supposed to be and accusing her H of cheating blah blah blah-and then proceeds to tell me usually the accuser is the cheater! So we can see where that point and conversation was going. I let it go.

When we were at this friends who he's having the A with on New Years Eve he wouldn't come near me or touch me. He avoids almost all contact with me unless she's out of the room. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> It's been my gut instinct for awhile now.

Anyways ever since he saw what I have been reading he's become this increasingly nice lovable man with me all of the sudden.

I am considering a PI as how can I blow the lid off with only circumstantial evidence? I feel so betrayed by my 2 best friends in the whole world. I cannot get cell billing info as it's paid by his employer.

I am utterly sick inside,cannot eat or sleep and had to call in sick to work today.

Can someone also help me with ideas for a Plan A? I am so confused and disorientated.

TIA <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />

Plan A includes showing him what a great wife you can be, with no angry outbursts or disrespectful judgements. It also includes exposure.

You can go ahead and start Plan A while you watch for more evidence. It sounds to me like it is a PA. So I would just assume that it is.

Let him know that contact with this person is causing problems in your marriage and you would like it to end. See what he says.

Hi,

thanks for the support. before I realized what's been going on-this was a few months ago I was already beginning to resent her and the time that he spent with her and her children, helping her out all of the time. I told him so, and put my foot down and said it had to stop. Duh Jeanne- a light bulb has gone off in my head as to what's really been happening!

My H is a very defensive man and I am not sure how on earth to confront when I have no tangible proof. You'd have to know H to understand where I am coming from. He's already boning up with the accuser being the cheater line! I wanted to puke right then and there.

We've been married for 23 years and I pray to God that it's not too late.

Jeanne

Jinxie, do you have children?

The fact your H brought up that conversation about cheating is very worrisome, big red flag there. He is projecting his own behavior on you.

There are much better MBer's out there who can give you help, but here are some things to think about until they show up.

Consider sitting down with him. Practice what you are going to say, think about it before you sit down. Don't accuse him of cheating or question him about the OW. Tell him you are having anxious feelings about your relationship. Tell that you are feeling distance between you and that you are not feeling secure with him like you used to. Tell him you've been looking for ways to improve your M. (don't mention MB site yet) Ask him if he has those same feelings.

If he does, or has some other issues, ask him what you can do that would improve it. Then after that, hopefully he will ask you what he can do. If he doesn't, volunteer that information yourself and tell him how he can make you feel more comfortable.

You have some good neighbors, hopefully they will keep an eye on things near home for you. Start calling him more when he is away on trips, just to hear his voice. Call him in the middle of the night, because you woke up thinking about him. Don't pester him, but try to keep his mind on you.

Maybe this is early enough to turn around. If he is in the FOG don't be surprised if he rewrites your marital history, he will remember the good times as bad times and the funny times as sad times. It will very hurtful to hear those things if it comes to that.

Keep looking for evidence, when you have proof, then expose and Plan A.

Good Luck Jinxie

You can do Plan A, and show him what a great wife you can be. There is no need to accuse him of anything. Just calmly let him know that the relationship with this woman has gone beyond your comfort level. Say it calmly and don't argue.

Then continue on Plan A. If it is an affair, they will get careless.

Hi
Yes we have 3 boys who are 15, 20 and 21. The older 2 are in college. One went back and the other is home until the 18th of this month.

I know it was a huge red flag for me when he brought up Collin and his wife to me and the whole cheating deal. It literally blew my mind away!

I have loved this man my entire life. And after all of these years my spine still tingles when he kisses me. Until a several months ago even after all of these years we had a rocking sex life,then *POOF* SOMETHING CHANGED. And when we had sex at times his touch was different, I can't quite put it into words it's so hard to describe. And he was so different with me. One biggie was he stopped holding me and snuggling after or during. (sorry to be so explicit)

He's been very critical with me and it almost seems to me like he wants to pick fights with me. And before this we've never ever been fighters.

I actually thought about writing a long letter to him and then either reading it to him and verbally discussing the contents.

My friend has been very distant with me for a bit now and I now know why. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> I am so sick inside about it. Awhile ago I asked her to stop needing my H so much and step back and let her know I was feeling resentful and she told my H, said they couldn't be friends anymore. Well you know where that went!

Yes the neighbors will be keeping a close eye out for me. We live in a very small town in the midwest and have a very tight neighborhood. We all have lots of get togethers etc.

With H he knows how smart I am and is covering every little track very well and has many advantages when it comes to his employer. He's a local truck driver, union days only and therefor has so much opportunity. But, lately he's been doing alot more "out of town" trips.

They pay his cell bills, it's a company phone. I know it has text messagin on it but he deletes everything off of his recent call list and all. I am dealing with one very smart cookie here and a tough nut to catch and crack.

I have been working very hard at being the very best wife I can be. I try to be the woman that he met and fell in love with. I am calling hi moften during the day etc. and waiting with the biggestfattest hugs and kisses when he gets home from work at night.

You've all given me some great advice which I will take to my heart and use well. TIA so very much!




Jeanne

I have one more question. Seeing that the OW was supposedly my best friend wouldn't be the best for me to contact her and rell her that she needs to back off. Tell her that I know and expose her and H to everyone?

Not until you have real proof.

Your H has already denied it in advance of you even asking or confronting.

Plan A him. You know what he likes. If he is going over to the OW's home, then accompany him. Not to watch over him, but to take the opportunity visit your "good" friend. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Certainly that shouldn't be objectional.

I am still not clear on when he has the opportunity to meet her. Do you know her schedule?

For a long time now I foolishly believed that he had "No Time" for any type of affair. The night that I talk about above was an evening that he came home from work and told me that he had to take a load going out of town.That upcoming weekend was a Xmas party we were to attend but if he didn't leave he wouldn't made it home on time he said. He left at 7:00 pm.It was a Wed. which is the night her XH has the children.

From what the neighbor says he was there until late that particular evening when he was supposed to be on the road. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> We left at the same time, I went Xmas shopping and he headed for where he was supposedly going. He did go but didn't leave until oblviously much later that night. I am such a fool. My other neighbor friend has said that most people in the area remark how often my H is there at her home.

Many times he'll say you don't need to be around that psycho child. (her kid whose got a serious mental disability which causes extreme rages with physical violence.She has no support from her X and did cheat on him before they were actually divorced)

I notice if I say, I am going to see her want to come with he'll always say no. But make excuses to stop by. He even buys salt for her water softener and puts it in for her.

Most of the time her kids are there. But he does leave for work very early in the morning. I am talking between 2 and 4 a.m. There is absolutely no way for me to keep track. Except I have decided to see what I can gather mileage and time wise from his log books.

Yes I know her schedule like the back of my hand, including when she does and doesn't have her children. She is dating another man right now but doesn't think much of him. She's always telling me what luck I have and what a great guy that I have etc.

The neighbor told me to get my H far away from her and keep it that way as it's a dangerous situation. I agree. He and his wife could see that no lights were on and all they could see was light from a television coming from the family room downstairs. It makes me want to puke.

I am right this minute Plan "A" ing my fanny off.

TIA again so very much. Jeanne

If her neighbors can see the tv on when your husband is there, would it be possible for someone to see what they are doing inside? Could you sneak up to the window and peek on them?

Since the neighbors already know, would they be willing to call you next time they see him over there so you could swing by?

I know it seems silly and ridiculous to have to do this sort of thing, but sometimes it's the only way to get the proof we need.

Jeanne, I think Sundog has a good idea. Do you have a video camera or a digitalo camera that will work in low light without flash?

What is it it about men who have been married 23 years? I never knew that was milestone. Of course my FWS's ended on our 23rd anniversary. close enough.

Do you clear your computer history so he can't see what you post here?

Keep plan "A"ing.

Hi,

Yes I clear the history everytime I come here. He's not pc savvy enough to remember what I have been doing and I have a logger on here that tells me everywhere and anything a person does on the computer.

Yes, the neighbor has agreed to keep an eye out and the next time he's over there I will be making a visit to see what exactly is going on.

I would love to be a fly on the inside of his work vehicle during the day and here him talking on his cell all day. Arrrgghhh!

Funny thing last night. He says to me are you mad at me for something? Is there something that you want to tell me? Did you find something or what is wrong with you? It was way strange. As long as you still love me he says.

Lately it is very weird he gets mad at me so easily, for the littlest things.


Jeanne

The anger is coming at you because he is mad at himself. Remove yourself from the area when he gets angery. I did that. I went to bed and read or to sleep. Kept busy around the house. ect. You will hear things you never dreamed he would say to you. Mine also started taking T-shirts to work to go for lunches with OW so watch for strange things. Now company cell phones -I was able to get into my H's Co. phone log on line. They have web sites so just type his cell number and usually they have one pin # and use it on everything and bingo. Mine got wise and started using company phones. Or she called him as incoming do noit show on his bill -it only says incoming.

I would love to be a fly on the inside of his work vehicle during the day and here him talking on his cell all day. Arrrgghhh!

People have been using recorders in the cars. I think you should try to get the info from Mortarman.

My WW told me that she wish I was dead! so do expect the worst!

Sorry you are here.

Van

Wow what and awful thing for them to say! I am so sorry for you. I am just terrified that he might find the device ya know? But I know that's where everything else is happening-he uses his cell phone alot and then clears everything, recent calls and any voicemail or text messages gone!